Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To hate the saying '....parents did the best they could...."

38 replies

NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 00:37

My hv said this to me the other day. I hate hearing it as I think it is too presumptuous.
It really irritated me and was all I could think about for the rest of the time while speaking to her, I didnt say anything about it to her though as I was too annoyed.

Some parents may fall into this category but not all. I have heard others say it as well.

What do you think about it?

OP posts:

seeker · 26/01/2013 07:55

But it is often true,isn't it?

I remember my mother said to me once "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time"

That made a lot of sense to me. That's what I try to do, and really, that's all anyone can expect, isn't it?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/01/2013 07:58

My mum says this A LOT and I think she actually does believe it to be the case. I'm not totally convinced. It's usually coupled with excuses and laying blame elsewhere. I'd probably have more respect for her if she said admitted she'd messed up a lot bit and it wasn't all someone els's fault.

Emilythornesbff · 26/01/2013 08:08

Tbf the wording of your op sounds as though your HV was making reference to a specific family and their circumstances. Maybe they did do their best and she was trying to field unneccessary judgements about the situation.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 26/01/2013 08:11

Yes Desparately. Thats the key thing. If my mum admitted to the things she got wromg instead of making me out to be a horrible daughter for "attacking" her then the sentiment would perhaps be valid.

I get things wrong as a parent and I intend to own up to them. Atleast then my kids will know I truely did do my best instead of just using it as an excuse to cover my failings.

VoldemortsNipple · 26/01/2013 08:14

I've used this phrase to my dcs. Usually when the shit is hitting the fan, and my parenting skills are flying out of control. And in all honestly not doing the best I can.

Sometimes though, situations occur that I don't know how to deal with or the strategy that had worked in the past has stopped working and I have to trial other strategies until something works. Sometimes, I do things completely wrong and hive up or get into a screaming match.

So if you ask if I'm doing my best. The answer is, probably not, because sometimes I don't actually know what to do.

If you ask if I'm trying my best. The answer is, probably yes (most of the time)

bakingaddict · 26/01/2013 08:30

If you got 30 mums in a room every one will have slightly different ideas of how to raise kids. Some mums let their kids sleep in the bed with them, others would be horrified at the thought.

Not withstanding providing the basic necessities of parenting, and obviously the HV wouldn't be putting parents who fail at that into this category, the majority of us parents just muddle along hence the term 'parents did/do the best they can'. Not sure why you cant see this is what was meant? Obviously if you've had some traumatic childhood it may skew your perception but the HV wasn't referring to that type of parent

Kalisi · 26/01/2013 08:41

It depends really, I think in theory the statement is true most loving caring parents just do the best they can.
However IME, the times I have actually heard that phrase used it is often as an excuse for bad parenting.

countrykitten · 26/01/2013 08:43

I can't make head nor tail of the OP. So am going to give up.

PackItInNow · 26/01/2013 08:51

I take it to mean that some parent have done their best in terrible circumstances, and the HV/SS can see that and work with the parents to help improve the situation for the sake of the DC.

Saying that, it shouldn't be used as a statement to cover a range of situations where the parents clearly aren't doing the best for their kids. Especially if the parent(s) have caused thedetrimental situation in the first place IYSWIM.

Lottapianos · 26/01/2013 08:59

I agree OP, it is a frustrating phrase. And I agree that some people are far too quick to excuse inadequate parenting. It's just a platitude, like y'all parents want the best for their kids' - some really actively do not and some can't be bothered to put any effort in.

Theicingontop · 26/01/2013 09:03

I've had relatives say it to me with regards to how my parents raised us. "Oh well they did the best they could with what they had... "

No, actually, they didn't. They half-starved us and sent us to school with holes in our ill-fitting clothes, nits in our hair and dirt under our fingernails. They didn't give a shit, and spent all their benefit money which was meant to feed and clothe us, on bingo, cigarettes and alcohol. So no, they didn't 'do their best'.

I think for some, it's a way of dodging the guilt associated with watching children live in squalor and doing nothing about it. 'Oh I'm sure they did their best, what could I have done?!'

It applies to good parents, who didn't have much, but raised their children to be healthy and happy.

Emilythornesbff · 26/01/2013 09:06

Even some people's best is not necessarily good enough.

Original poster

NewYearNewHat · 26/01/2013 10:18

We were discussing practicalities and challenges of changing cycles of dysfunctional parenting/families, so she did use it imo as an excuse for poor parenting as some of that poor parenting may be attributed to laziness, selfishness or just plain nastiness.

An offhand platitude maybe, but I still found it very irritating.

Thank you though, this has given me the determination and clarity to challenge the next person who says it, as emphasis really need to be put on '...many parents did the best they could..."

OP posts:

Flip

1 2