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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about having a 2nd DC?

36 replies

DiegaMartinez · 25/01/2013 20:44

I think I might BU, so if I am, please slap me out of it

We already have one DD, 15mo, so we're starting to think about trying for a second DC. I would like two children, I really would. But I've got a few worries that are starting to seriously wind me up. I'll put them in order of seriousness, because I think one of them might be really silly...

DD was born by emcs and taken straight to NICU, so I didn't see her, let alone hold her. I first saw her 12 hours later. I never had that overwhelming rush or high on seeing her, and I get quite upset when I see mums on telly holding their baby seconds after giving birth. I didn't have any problems bonding in the long-term, but that first week or two were a bit 'distracted'. I'm absolutely terrified that if I have a good birth next time around, vbac or cs, and get to hold my baby straight away, I might feel different about my second baby - as in I will feel more for them, bond with them immediately, something that might have a longer term effect.

Secondly, we have been extremely lucky that DD has been a very happy, easy baby - slept well, eaten well, independent right from the start, liked a routine, that sort of thing. So I'm scared about having a higher needs baby, one that doesn't sleep well, or wants to be held all the time. Scared because I know that I've had my moments, like every mum, of being exhausted looking after a little baby, but this was with a baby who, with hindsight, was quite low needs. I swear sometimes it must be easier to be in ignorance, rather than thinking - blimey, I was knackered enough with a baby who did sleep well, let alone with one who doesn't!

And lastly - and this is probably really silly - I always pictured having boys, never girls. Now I absolutely adore my DD and I wouldn't change her for the world, I am so happy to have a daughter, but this irrational part of me in scared that if DC2 was a boy, something within me might get really excited about having a son. And that I might love him more. God, that sounds ridiculous as I write it. But I can't help worry about it.

So please, someone tell me they have thought like this too, and someone tell me I am just being very, very silly?

OP posts:

Crawling · 25/01/2013 20:49

I had similar fears slightly different but all revolving around me loving dc1 less than dc2 or vice versa. I think its natural but when dd was born I loved her the same as ds and my love for him hadnt changed a bit.

ImagineJL · 25/01/2013 21:01

If you're having doubts why not leave it a bit longer. I remember wondering how on earth anyone could contemplate having a second child, because having one was so exhausting. Then when DS1 was about 2 I suddenly felt totally ready.

DS1 was 5 weeks premature, I had a 4 hour labour so I was still in a state of shock when he was born. I had a retained placenta so was whisked into theatre soon after and didn't hold him at all, as by the time I was sorted he had become ill and been taken to SBCU. He was there for 10 days, I could rarely hold him, it was all awful. I felt quite detached and shell-shocked for a few days, none of that immediate tearful overwhelming love you see on TV.

DS2 was born by planned Caesarean due to being breech. I knew the day and time he'd be born, I was comfortable, in control, and he was healthy and with me from the moment he was born.

Despite the huge difference in their arrivals into the world, I feel absolutely the same about them both. There is no question that I am bonded equally with them. So I really wouldn't worry about that aspect of it.

NumericalMum · 25/01/2013 21:05

I could write your post. Some days I 100% want another. Other days I can't contemplate it. I have a much bigger gap though and I had a total nightmare the first time with sleep.

Nordicmom · 25/01/2013 21:16

If you are having doubts maybe it's a good idea to leave it for now unless you worry about your age. I only felt ready to start trying for another when DS was 2 1/2 y after having a nightmare pregnancy, emcs , failed bf and being generally exhausted. Unfortunately the second time didn't work out for us like the first which was a quick conception . We only now finally have our daughter 9m after more 4 1/2 y trying , 10 miscarriages , illness and in the end gestational surrogacy . I couldn't have ever imagined this when I had my first with no problems. Sometimes life doesn't go at all like you thought so can't take things for granted.
Many struggle with a small gap but like me and my brother the kids are then best of friends growing up once a bit older...
Only you as a couple can decide in the end

41notTrendy · 25/01/2013 21:17

We are sticking with one. ds was total rubbish at sleeping/routine etc. And I love him fit to burst and couldn't imagine having to compromise that.
There were other reasons too, but I'm trying to say I think how you feel is very normal, not irrational.
You will know if its right to have another.

Nordicmom · 25/01/2013 21:24

Also even though DD was born in such unusual circumstances I felt I bonded with her just the same as with DS . Now I don't even really remember I didn't carry her , she's like a mini me :)...

Original poster

DiegaMartinez · 25/01/2013 21:28

I am a little worried about age - I'm 33, and DD was conceived by accident (though just a few months before we would have started ttc anyway) so I don't actually know how easy it will be to fall pregnant, so I don't want to leave it too late really. And I think a 2.5-3 year gap is a pretty reasonable one.

It's reassuring to hear other people think like this and I'm not being completely stupid.

I don't have any issues about DD's birth and I don't feel remotely traumatised (she was poorly, they got her out quickly, she was well taken care of, everyone was lovely) but I get so scared at the thought that I might bond better with another DC. Which I guess is wrapped up with the issue of how to give birth next time. I desperately want an elcs, and it seems my area will do this second time around, but then that would be a calmer birth and I would get to see my baby straight away. I can't help but miss not having seen DD all gunky and wrinkly and confused. It's hard when your first sight of a baby is them clean, dressed and covered in wires

OP posts:

bollywoodfan · 25/01/2013 21:36

You know when people say that they love all their children equally - it is actually true! You really don't love one more or less. But it is hard work, there is 3 and half years gap between my two and I'm glad I didn't have a smaller gap. I would have gone insane if both were at home wit me al the time. Its nice now because ds is at school so I have alone time with dd during the day

NumericalMum · 25/01/2013 21:38

33 is not very old...

Original poster

DiegaMartinez · 25/01/2013 21:43

No, I know it's not exactly old, but because we don't know if we'll have any problems conceiving them I'd rather not start trying at 36, not conceive for a year or so, then start seeing doctors and that.

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 25/01/2013 21:50

I think lots of people worry about loving DCs 1 and 2 "as much" - I used to have nightmares about it when I was pregnant with no2 son.
I was just like you, my pfb was the easiest baby in the world, ever. He really was, he slept for hours at night from being tiny, fed like clockwork, was placid, happy, never seemed to cry, was never ill when he was small, was just a doddle.
No2 son otoh, was two before he slept longer than 2 hours at a time - the first night he slept from Midnight to 6am I RAN to his cot and grabbed him and clutched him, convinced he'd died in his sleep because he'd been asleep so long and he was into everything, climbed up, tripped over, fell off, you name it and he would do it
BUT I wouldn't have changed either of them for the world. If you'd told me how it would be beforehand, I'd have run a mile, but when I was doing it, it never seemed hard, I just did it, it was my life and our days and nights and how it was. Looking back I sometimes wonder how we got by on so little sleep, but we made it, and I even went on to have 3 more children after that

Crawling · 25/01/2013 21:55

I have a 3 /12 year gap and a 2year I found the two year gap easier personally.

Xmasbaby11 · 25/01/2013 21:57

Oh I am with you OP. I'm nearly 37 and DD is 12 months. We should start trying soon, but she has been easy and I'm so scared the next one wouldn't be and I'd be crap. The first month or two was difficult but after that she slept so well and has always been so happy and healthy. I guess I don't dare hope we could be so lucky twice.

I think it is a totally rational worry, but at the same time there is no way around it - if you want a second child, it is better to just go for it!

Hopefully since conception was an accident you won't have a problem. It took us 9 months.

Summerblaze · 25/01/2013 22:06

I can't help with your first point as I had no problems during birth and got to hold my babies straight away.

Your 3rd "silly" point isn't silly at all. I have a sister so I only pictured myself with 2 girls. When I had my DD I was ecstatic. I loved her so much and it was exactly how I thought it was going to be. I was convinced when I was pg again that it would be another girl. Imagine my surprise when it had other bits. I can remember looking down and thinking "oh my god, what am I going to do with you". I worried that I would love my DD more because she was what I had imagined all these years and that I wouldn't love DS because he didn't fit into my dream picture. I needn't have worried. My dream picture has changed. I love him to bits. He is totally different to my DD but I don't love one more than the other, I just love them differently (and some days I like one more than the other and the next day it swaps depending on their moods).

I also had a very easy first baby. She slept through at 8 weeks and also slept at least 4 hours a day during the day til she was 3.5. I could take her anywhere and she was sociable to everyone but could also amuse herself. My DS however although was a good baby, had severe glue ear from a few months old til they finally sorted it 6 months ago when he was 4.5. He is developmentally behind now and is hard work at times. I wouldn't change him though. He is the happiest little guy.

I obviously didn't think having a boy who was harder work was that bad as 9 months ago I gave birth to another little boy. There definitely wasn't 3 on my original dream picture but there is now. The heart expands......

OhIWishThereWasABook · 25/01/2013 22:06

Really don't worry about it, I had 'natural' birth but still think it takes a couple of weeks till a baby feels like yours. You will love it the same. Your heart is big enough for tons of children ( not that I'm encouraging you!)
The newborn bit is hard, full stop. It's also amazing. 17 months between mine by fluke. All the same worries, work doubles but pleasure doubles too.

ceebeegeebies · 25/01/2013 22:12

Just wanted to say that DS1 was an 'easy' baby - slept through most nights from 4 weeks old, extremely happy and smily, rarely cried. I know I was concerned about having another child as I was convinced they would be much harder as I couldn't be that lucky.

DS2 came along and he was even easier Although he didn't sleep through until 10 weeks, once he started sleeping through he never woke up in the night (and still doesn't 4 years later). He eats anything, amuses himself happily etc. And I love him just as much as DS1

So it can happen and you can be lucky twice!

Dromedary · 25/01/2013 22:14

There are really big, good reasons for not having children. First and foremost how tough their lives will be - the world will be a very different and far far more difficult place in 50 years time (and well before that).

The reasons you've mentioned are the kinds of little doubts that people often have (eg how could I love no 2 as much as I love no 1 - must be impossible), which melt away once the 2nd one is born.

I'd think about the big reasons though.

SevenReasonsToSmile · 25/01/2013 22:23

DS was such an easy baby, slept through from 5 months, he even fed and napped liked clockwork, you could have set your watch by him. DD on the other hand has been a nightmare baby, colicky, extremely sicky and even now at 14 months no sign of sleeping all night in her own bed. Despite this I love her just as much as I love DS.

When I was pregnant with DD I was worried that I loved DS so much and I just wouldn't have enough love to give a second DC. A wise person told me when you have DC2 you don't halve the amount of love, you double it.

Summerblaze · 25/01/2013 22:48

Dromedary.... Do you have a crystal ball. How do you know how difficult the world will be in years to come.

Original poster

DiegaMartinez · 26/01/2013 18:01

Thanks everyone for sharing, it's good to hear that I'm not alone in thinking some of these things. And congrats on your DD, nordic

OP posts:

Dromedary · 26/01/2013 20:19

Summerblaze - don't tell me you're one of those "all the scientists are in a big conspiracy of course global warming isn't happening" or "won't this country be a nice Mediterranean place where we can all grow grapes" people. Get real.
Why people worry about the little aspects of having children when the apocalyspse is pretty much staring them in the face is beyond me. Denial I suppose.

Nordicmom · 26/01/2013 20:36

Thanks Diega! We got there in the end and I appreciate her so much but it is exhausting never the less even though DS is a big help. She's an active baby , crawled before 6m , now walking around holding on to things and is getting into everything and driving me crazy at times. She has learned the word no though so that helps. She's is such a happy little funny person we all couldn't be in more love with her. My son is really enjoying finally being a big brother :). Good luck with whatever you decide !

coraltoes · 26/01/2013 20:39

Dromedary. Hahaha wtf?! Has life not always changed?! 50yrs ago the world looked v.diff to now, neither better nor worse, just different. That's life. Admittedly more fruit loops have a voice thanks to the Internet.

Natmu · 26/01/2013 21:14

I think your worries are all natural ones and I certainly felt the same before my DS2. DS1 was a dream baby as your DD and true to our fears DS2 has turned out to be extremely HN. Having said that I wouldn't change things for the world. Once they are here your whole life adapts.

I think my friend described the way you feel about your second DC really well. She said you worry loads about not being able to love them equally before they arrive but when you have your second one it's like your heart grows a whole extra bit just for them.

NaturalBaby · 26/01/2013 21:20

I think they're all very valid fears and concerns, but they will all melt away when (hopefully when, not if) you have 2 dc's. All my preconceptions about having children have disappeared now that mine are a bit older and have such different personalities. Gender issues and birth order are totally irrelevant because they are all so unique.

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