to worry about having a 2nd DC?

[DiegaMartinez]

I think I might BU, so if I am, please slap me out of it

We already have one DD, 15mo, so we're starting to think about trying for a second DC. I would like two children, I really would. But I've got a few worries that are starting to seriously wind me up. I'll put them in order of seriousness, because I think one of them might be really silly...

DD was born by emcs and taken straight to NICU, so I didn't see her, let alone hold her. I first saw her 12 hours later. I never had that overwhelming rush or high on seeing her, and I get quite upset when I see mums on telly holding their baby seconds after giving birth. I didn't have any problems bonding in the long-term, but that first week or two were a bit 'distracted'. I'm absolutely terrified that if I have a good birth next time around, vbac or cs, and get to hold my baby straight away, I might feel different about my second baby - as in I will feel more for them, bond with them immediately, something that might have a longer term effect.

Secondly, we have been extremely lucky that DD has been a very happy, easy baby - slept well, eaten well, independent right from the start, liked a routine, that sort of thing. So I'm scared about having a higher needs baby, one that doesn't sleep well, or wants to be held all the time. Scared because I know that I've had my moments, like every mum, of being exhausted looking after a little baby, but this was with a baby who, with hindsight, was quite low needs. I swear sometimes it must be easier to be in ignorance, rather than thinking - blimey, I was knackered enough with a baby who did sleep well, let alone with one who doesn't!

And lastly - and this is probably really silly - I always pictured having boys, never girls. Now I absolutely adore my DD and I wouldn't change her for the world, I am so happy to have a daughter, but this irrational part of me in scared that if DC2 was a boy, something within me might get really excited about having a son. And that I might love him more. God, that sounds ridiculous as I write it. But I can't help worry about it.

So please, someone tell me they have thought like this too, and someone tell me I am just being very, very silly?

Hi - DD (DC2) is 7 months and I kind of had your feelings in reverse. She spent 4 days in NICU (we knew in advance this would be required) and I think it made my bond a bit slower. Plus I thought DC1 (DS) was the best ever and she had to prove she could live up to him :-) I remember crying when she was about 3 weeks old because although I loved her and wanted to protect her and care for her etc, I did not love her as I loved DS.

Soooo different now. She has completely won me over. My heart has just doubled, tripled in size. I love her so much, I love DS more than ever when I see how he is with her (good and bad). Friends have had such similar but different experiences. One in particular had a traumatic birth with DS1 and took a while to bond, had PND etc but DC2 (a DD - when she was desperate for a girl) was the opposite and she has bonded instantly with DD, feels a little guilty about the fact that she did not make the most (due to PND) of her time with DS BUT it still has not affected the love she feels for DS even though that took a while to come.

I've honestly never been so happy. DD was a stroppy little thing today - she has a cold and the only thing that cracked a smile on her was DS (2 year old). My heart is swelling just to remember it

These are all perfectly normal fears so you're not being silly.

I'm not sure how many people get that immediate bond thing tbh I do think that it's something that develops over time.

I've been very lucky in that I have two pretty 'easy' kids but I did have that same fear & it turned out to be more or less unfounded (ds took longer than DD to sleep through but bf him was a dream compared to 1st time around-though this may also have been experience)

As for your last point, I always used to say I wanted boys though strangely when I was pregnant both times I can honestly say I had no preference & am so glad I got one of each flavour-I did however have a massive fear that I just didn't have enough love left for a 2nd child, how daft was I?-I adore them both equally as will you.

I will say however that if these issues are really bothering you I'd just leave it a little while longer.

Coraltoes - do you EVER read a newspaper (that isn't the Daily Mail), watch the news, watch a TV documentary? It is inexcusable for an adult to display such stupidity and ignorance. As one tiny example why not look at what David Attenborough has been saying - but I suppose like all people who don't bury their heads deep in the sand (eg Barack Obama and almost every scientists studying climate change) he is a fruit loop? You should be deeply ashamed, as should everyone else who pretends there is no problem simply because they would prefer there not to be one.
For instance, this article, which I found after 10 seconds on the internet:

"May 5, 2010 ? Reasonable worst-case scenarios for global warming could lead to deadly temperatures for humans in coming centuries, according to research findings from Purdue University and the University of New South Wales, Australia."
The link is: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100504155413.htm

I think that "apocalypse" is a very reasonable term in the circumstances.

But of course, you know better than all the scientists put together, don't you? Without needing to any do investigation on the subject at all.
Go on worrying about your children's progress at ballet lessons or whatever - they certainly won't have that luxury for their children.

Drom, ever thought that your DC might be the one to invent or discover something that might do the whole human race a power of good?!

I found myself pregnant, by mistake when my dd was 4 months old. I was convinced that I wouldn't bond with the child as I was too tired, felt 'robbed' of time with dd (irrational, I know). Ds was born and I loved him, completely, just as much as dd. I'm not a 'baby' person and much prefer them now they are 6 and 7 but whatever the circumstances, love conquers all!
If I'd had time to think about it, I'd've had the same worries as you.

NellyBluth - the chances of any one DC being the next Nobel prizewinnner for saving the world, or the Second Coming, are somewhat low. The chances of them contributing to global warming and themselves having a very tough life are surely 100%.

We have a gorgeous, easy DD. I struggled to bond with her when she was born due to health problems. At the time we really wondered if we had done the right thing having her and the irreversibility of having her was quite a powerful revelation. We are now exceedingly happy as the three of us and I am completely torn about whether we should have another one. I am not sure if it is just that I am quite lazy and DD fits well into our lives, but I am certainly concerned that we might ruin what we have with another one. On the other hand, if we could duplicate DD, preferably age 12 months, then I would do it without question.

Oh do get that stick out of your arse, Dromedary. What fun you must be at a dinner party.

If you have doubts about having a second child, even for silly seeming reasons, then why not give some serious thought to stopping at one? Do you yearn for a second child or did you just always assume you'd have two because that's the norm? One child is a perfectly viable option.

fancy drawers

Let's talk again in a few years, Fancydrawers, since you're trying very hard not to catch on to what's happening. If you're planning a child you should think about their future in THE REAL WORLD, not in your fantasy world. If you don't, you are being hugely unfair to them.