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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me again!

29 replies

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 20:34

Answer me one thing. I've been on my own since my son was 3 months old. i work full time, pay the mortgage bills etc, i was married, but he left me for my best friend.
I moved back home, and its just me and my Son, we're happy we get on (he's almost 17) and hes happy and secure.
Now, i get a phone call, not from him, but from his grandparents on the paternal side, who have taken no interest in him for 17 years. They are old and they want to see him.
Now.
I don't know what to do, i seriously don't. I want my Son to be happy and he has every right to know these eejets, but he has to come first, his happiness and emotional welfare are paramount to me.
I don't know what to do thats right.

OP posts:

Emsmaman · 25/01/2013 20:36

My first thought is "has one of them had some news about their health". I think at nearly 17 I would leave it to my son to decide, and probably encourage him to meet them once so he doesn't regret it. Maybe they want to put things right and even if they don't, they won't live forever and I think everyone should meet a family member once and make up their own mind.

NewYearNewBoo · 25/01/2013 20:37

I think at almost 17 he is old enough to make his own mind up, he has lived without gp's for this long and knows the dis interest they have had for him. I would tell him you have been approached by them for contact and ask him how he would like to deal with it.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2013 20:38

He's definitely old enough to decide.

DoItToJulia · 25/01/2013 20:41

Be honest and let him decide.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 20:42

But why should their conscinse (sp) sorry, kick in now, and why rock his world?
You are right, i know you are, its up to him, xx
Thank you ladies.
I hate this.

OP posts:

Cailinsalach · 25/01/2013 20:43

Thats tough Quality.
I think your son is old enough to discuss it with you. Ask him how he feels and tell him how confused you are and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Between you, you can work out the best way for him.

ImAlpharius · 25/01/2013 20:45

It's hard, but you have to let him decide and you have to support him whichever way it is.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 20:54

I'm being selfish, i know i am, but he's so happy and well rounded, and secure, it kills me to bring this up with him.
But i've no right to deny him either.
They are (were) very toxic people, maybe they've changed i dunno, it was just that out of the blue, they ring and demand.
When we went to Court, the judge told his father to be a father and step up, in one ear and out the other.
I'm his Mum, i have to protect him.

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DoItToJulia · 25/01/2013 20:54

It must feel really shitty. But your son will appreciate being treated like a grown up over this, I bet.

for you.

DeltaUniformDeltaEcho · 25/01/2013 21:01

I'm in a similar situation - DD is 12 and her father has never seen her. His mother got in touch a couple of weeks ago.

I asked her what her intentions were and we talked about what I would expect but I said from the start it was DD's choice and if at any time she decided not to carry on with contact we would all have to respect that.

Ask him what he wants and make it clear it is completely his choice.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 21:12

Thank you Delta xx
Its just that they live in England, so if he makes the decision he'll have to fly over, (with me) and go through a huge thing for him.
Is it worth it? Honestly?
Meeting people he's never met, just because they want it?

I'll talk to him xx

OP posts:

Casmama · 25/01/2013 21:25

If they want to see him then they should come to you- or somewhere nearby for you to travel to as I imagine you don't want them in your house.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 21:34

Delta, i'm so sorry, heres me thinking about me, and not realising that you are going through the same thing pet xxxxx

See, Cas, their "demands" are they want to see him. I never asked , they never said.

Nope, i'm not telling him. They were awful to me because i was irish and not good enough.

But my son has a right to know

Rambling here! Sorry xx

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2013 21:39

You do need to tell him. He's an adult. It's his decision to make (although with support from you of course). I too suspect somethings happened with their health. Or your ex has had some sort of split with other gcs involved. Or they may have found God or something completely random! But you need to ask the young man who you've brought up to be smart and sensible what would work for him.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 21:42

I know xx Its the fucking right thing to do.
I know.

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PomBearWithAnOFRS · 25/01/2013 21:43

What Wilson said!
If he ever found out that they'd got in touch and you hadn't given him the chance to decide what to do, he would never forgive you. All you can do is tell him the truth, tell him you personally never got on with them if he asks, answer all his questions as honestly as you can. It will be hard, but he will appreciate you telling him the truth and can then make his own decision. It will strengthen the relationship between you and him, no matter which way he goes regarding his grandparents. And they are his grandparents, no matter how "useless" they've been all these years...

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2013 21:50

I also think this is a good opportunity for you to deal with all this stuff before he leaves home, while you still have a degree of influence. Say he leaves home to go to college this summer, they track him down on Facebook, he doesn't want to upset you, he ends up dealing with it on his own.

Sorry, don't want to scare you ((hugs)) but actually it is good this has happened now.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 21:52

No, they're not Pom.
Grandparents, (like my mum and dad) cherish their grandchildren, they look after them, pick them up after school, and mind them when i can't.
My son is loved by all of my family here, they ring out of the blue and want him now?? After 17 years of nothing?

I'll talk to him, of course i will. and i'll be changing my phone number x

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 25/01/2013 21:52

He is happy, well rounded and secure. You have given him the tools he needs to cope with his world being rocked.

He has probably spent a considerable amount of time quietly wondering about his relatives on that side of the family but been to switched on to your emotions to tell you. This may not rock his world quite as much as you might expect.

If you have brought him up with decent values he will see through them the same way you have and move on.

You've done all the right things. Now stand at his shoulder and show him that you trust him to use all the gifts you've given him to cope with whatever he encounters.

Don't risk your relationship with him by trying to protect him.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 25/01/2013 21:56

Goldmandra that was beautifully said.

OP you know what you have to do. Good luck (hug)

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 22:08

Gold, see, thats the thing, i've always been open about his parentage and his dad, we've talked and i explained to him that it wasn't his fault.
Now, i've tried to explain why his dad has never wanted to know about him, and i protected him. I've kept the ol wedding album as well, just if he ever wants to know about us.

I've never badmouthed his dad to him, never.
Right, i'll be back.

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Goldmandra · 25/01/2013 22:18

quality please don't think I'm saying you've made it a taboo subject. Children can be amazingly sensitive about what they raise with their parents.

I think you've done a fantasic job.

I also think this family hurt you very badly and you want to protect him from a similar experience. That is perfectly understandable.

Set all the groundrules you can, including that they come to visit and stay in a hotel not too nearby. Explain that you fear for him but will support him every step of the way. Then accept that the time has come when you can no longer protect him completely.

Trust him. FWIW I think you've equipped him to cope with this well and make you proud.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 25/01/2013 23:08

Right.
He doesn't want to know, he looked at me like i was mad, and deranged. (he has a point there)
His words were and i quote, "Mum, give over, i'm playing. no chance"
So thats it really. But i'm well aware that this will or may affect him, so i'm on red alert for him.
I have no obligation towards them, and i won't be ringing them,.

Thank you so much for listening and for your advice, it was really appreciated, xxxxx

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 25/01/2013 23:46

He sounds like he has his head screwed on right and has already thought this through. You've done a good job with him.

You have fulfilled your obligations to him in every way possible.

I hope you can relax now.

Original poster

qualitytoffee · 26/01/2013 00:09

I'll ring them in the morning (shit) and tell them.
Theres a part of me that feels sorry for them, and also an obligation towards them.
But i'm not getting involved in their needs or wants.
And thats it really.

Again, thank you Gold, and others xx I'm not usually this uptight when writing, sorry xxxx

OP posts:

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