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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell DH that I definitely won't have the DC3 he wants if he takes this job

45 replies

evertonmint · 25/01/2013 18:52

DH just been offered a job. Potential to earn equity in 5 years that could pay off large mortgage and leave more besides. If we carry on as we are we could pay mortgage within 10 years.

Job will require longer commute, longer hours, work intruding on holidays. Already out of house 8-7. When here he is a very committed dad and DH. He works hard in current job to keep hours to that, others in his business do crazier hours.

Job is a dream for him. I don't want to stand in way of his dreams but it will place huge burden on us all. DCs are 5 and 2. They love their dad. They won't see him every evening any more.

I work from home freelance. I earn reasonable money and I get to do school run. Life is generally good. Burden of DCs and home naturally falls on me which I sometimes resent when its tough but mainly it's ok.

DH wants a 3rd child. I am 50:50 at best but if he takes this job and is out more I am absolutely certain I will not have DC3 as I can just about envisage managing 2 alone more but will not do it with 3.

This weekend we need to decide if he takes the job. As part of discussion do I tell him I won't have DC3 if he takes this job? Will it seem like an ultimatum/blackmail or do I need to be honest? If he doesn't take job there is still no guarantee that I will want DC3.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 25/01/2013 18:55

You need to be honest and tell him, but also tell him there is no guarantee that you will have DC3 at all.

thing1andthing2 · 25/01/2013 18:55

Yanbu. If you don't want dc3 don't have one. It would be absolutely not unreasonable to tell him how this job would impact on family life from your perspective, you don't have to make it an ultimatum, just explain how you feel. There is no way that I could cope with a third child at all and I would have no hesitation in making my feelings explicit in a situation like yours.

Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 19:07

Thanks. Think it's going to be tough discussion. He knows I'm not keen on him working more hours, so worried he'll see it as blackmailing him, but It would be worse all round to have this conversation in a years time, wouldn't it?
Him : shall we have DC3?
Me: Oh did i not tell you that we're not having one because you took that job

That wouldn't be good, would it?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/01/2013 19:33

If you aren't sure you want a third child, don't have one. Regardless of his new job. Then it is not an ultimatum, it is just on the table.

janey68 · 25/01/2013 19:41

I agree with mrsterrypratchett - you are only 50% sure you might want another child anyway- regardless of this job offer. Both parties need to be 100% sure they want a child. And even when both parties are certain, there are no guarantees you'll get what you want

HopAndSkip · 25/01/2013 19:41

How "long" have you got left? If you have time, could you let him go for the job for the 5 years say, and then at that point discuss the child, and say if you can reduce hours slightly we could have one but i'd find it hard to cope with such long hours.
That way he's had a chance at his dream job before having to "choose between child and job" in a sense, so won't feel he's completely missed out in the future.

HopAndSkip · 25/01/2013 19:42

And hopefully by then other DC would be slightly older, and you'd know for sure if you wanted a DC3 or not

drizzlecake · 25/01/2013 19:44

Why do you want another DC?
And why on earth does he when he will hardly see the first two, why want another?

NorthernLurker · 25/01/2013 19:44

Is there any mileage in him taking the job for 4 or 5 years and you maybe having a third child at that point? I have 9 and 6 years between my older two and youngest. Works fine.
Come to that I manage three with dh away a lot for work. This week (unusually) he's been home every night. Next week there will be at least three nights he doesn't see dd3 at least. We manage. I have a friend who managed four whilst he dh was away though I think it was pretty hard. It is possible.
I think it would seem like blackmail if you bring the third child up. It IS blackmail isn't it? If you don't want him to take the job you have to back that up - not try and trick him in to thinking he doesn't want it. Sounds like he does tbh.

Fairylea · 25/01/2013 19:47

You can't have another child at all if you only half want one. That's just a recipe for disaster and pnd without even considering the job.

NutellaNutter · 25/01/2013 20:04

Well if he's going to be earning more money, why don't you get a mother's help? - someone to help around the house and with the kids/school runs. Then you could contemplate a third.

Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 20:06

I will be over 40 in 5 years so it will need to be in time frame of this job.

He has always wanted 3, I had a strong feeling that I might, but the realities of 2 small ones means i worry about coping with 3. When I say 50:50 it is literally that - some days I want one, some I don't. I envisage myself with 3 in 5 or 10 years time, and we both love babies but I find 2-4yo hard work and I'm in the midst of that phase now so I see the hard bits a lot at the moment. I think it's more a case of the time isn't right for DC3 now but in a year or so it might be as DC2 will be older. But that is based on DH being around as he is now. Him not being around means I am likely to stick with what I know. It's not unreasonable to change your mind on having a DC or not based on circumstances, is it?

I think I'll ask him how he sees 3 DCs working if he does this job rather than it bring me saying no and it potentially being blackmail. It will probably make him realise a whole lot of things about how our life will change and whether he wants that. DC3 is only one bit of that really. He is potentially sacrificing a lot, we all are, for more money and a dream opportunity for him.

Hmmm. It's not going to be easy this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 20:12

Fairylea - it's not about half wanting one so much as we have been exploring the idea and I'm working through what i think about it at the moment and genuinely don't know which side I'll end up on. I want 3 but knowing how tough 2 is at the moment I'm hesitant because I don't want to let my existing DCs down. I'm just in the process of working out how I feel and this job opp is a curve ball that has upset my thinking about it I guess. I absolutely won't have a 3rd if I am uncertain after this period of reflection. A half wanted baby is indeed a recipe for disaster.

OP posts:
Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 20:13

Nutella - possible, but I'd rather my child has a present dad than a home help.

God, I really don't want him to do thus, do I? I think the 3rd DC is a red herring in a way.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 25/01/2013 20:14

would the extra earnings enable you to have a nanny if you had a 3rd DC? Would that make a difference?

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 25/01/2013 20:20

everton, it isn't blackmail. It is perfectly reasonable for you to sat 'look, I know I haven't yet made up my mind about trying for DC3 but I want to tell you that if you take this job, that would swing the decision to no as I wouldn't have you around for support'.

It's just being grown up and sensible. If I was in your shoes, it would definitely be a swing factor for me, just as it might be if someone lost their job, or changed to a lower paying role, or had a family member fall ill. It's right to consider the practical aspects.

Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 20:21

Extra earnings are in the equity released at 2 and 5 years, not in monthly take home really.

Anyway, I couldn't choose to bring a DC into the world based on whether I had a nanny or not. I'm sure some people do but that doesn't sit well with me.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 25/01/2013 20:22

If you actually don't want him to take the job because he won't get to see the current 2 DCs and you won't be supported, do tell him that also - there may be ways around that e.g. he could request flexible working at the new job, could you move so his commute is less etc. But there may not be and then it's just a hard decision that needs to be made.

Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 20:22

Thank you for the well thought out messages all. You're really helping me with this.

DH cooking dinner and we'll start the discussions. Suspect preliminary tonight and then one the nitty gritty stuff like DC3 tomorrow Smile Wish me luck...

OP posts:
EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 25/01/2013 20:23

YANBU. He should realise he can't expect you to pick up the slack of both the job he wants and the third child he (more than you) wants.

I'm pretty much where you are in terms of not being able to make a decision re dc3, with the added complication of having got pg accidentally last year and had a mc, my 4th in total. My heart and hormones say yes and my head says no. In my case dh is happy both to stop at two and to go ahead, so the decision is really very much mine in a way I'm actually finding quite difficult.

I have two fantastic but very lively boys of 5 and 7 and I suppose I worry I wouldn't be able to do justice to them with a third. Am mid-thirties too so feel we need to make this decision within a reasonable timeframe.

Leaving the baby issue aside: What else, apart from the money, will be in it for you if he does take this job? Is there something you want out of your life that he would be prepared to facilitate you to do if it's 'his turn' now?

Good luck.
Don't mean to hijack, sorry.

Original poster
evertonmint · 25/01/2013 20:24

Thanks Poppy. I know how you're feeling - it's worrying about my existing 2 that most puts me off a 3rd. Make their dad a bit less available and it's even harder to justify mummy's attention being diverted by a newborn.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 25/01/2013 20:29

By the way, I would not take this job if the only benefit was paying off the mortgage in five years rather than ten, especially as that pay off is in equity (which may go up and down in value).

If it is a more interesting job, well, that's one thing to consider. But he's then weighing up more interesting against less time at home, and you are weighing up having him around less against..err...

If of course you've always wanted to jack it all in ASAP and travel the world with your kids, paying the mortgage off early might be good.

Essentially, what would you do with the 'extra' five years that would make the current sacrifices worthwhile?

Finally, don't forget the most tax efficient thing is for you both to stay earning - will you be able to carry on earning at your current level if he's not around to relieve you in the evening so you get some rest?

thegreylady · 25/01/2013 20:37

You describe it as his dream job.Will he resent it if he cant follow his dream?
I think dc3 has to be a separate decision.I would discuss only the job and if he takes it ,and the question of another baby comes up later, then that is the time to say you dont feel you could manage with him away so much.
Good Luck whatever you decide.

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2013 20:39

I think it's OK to say 'I'm unsure about having DC3, you being away as much will make me less sure'. It's not an ultimatum, it's simply stating the truth.

discrete · 25/01/2013 20:49

I think it's fine, but then again I was always very clear about the level of involvement I would want from dh if we were to have dc, and always happy to not have them too, so maybe I'm biased.

IMO not being completely open up front is a recipe for resentment from one side or the other a few years down the line. If you both tell each other exactly how you feel about it all you can have a sensible discussion and then make a decision without lying to yourselves about exactly what the choices you are making involve.