To tell DH that I definitely won't have the DC3 he wants if he takes this job

[evertonmint]

DH just been offered a job. Potential to earn equity in 5 years that could pay off large mortgage and leave more besides. If we carry on as we are we could pay mortgage within 10 years.

Job will require longer commute, longer hours, work intruding on holidays. Already out of house 8-7. When here he is a very committed dad and DH. He works hard in current job to keep hours to that, others in his business do crazier hours.

Job is a dream for him. I don't want to stand in way of his dreams but it will place huge burden on us all. DCs are 5 and 2. They love their dad. They won't see him every evening any more.

I work from home freelance. I earn reasonable money and I get to do school run. Life is generally good. Burden of DCs and home naturally falls on me which I sometimes resent when its tough but mainly it's ok.

DH wants a 3rd child. I am 50:50 at best but if he takes this job and is out more I am absolutely certain I will not have DC3 as I can just about envisage managing 2 alone more but will not do it with 3.

This weekend we need to decide if he takes the job. As part of discussion do I tell him I won't have DC3 if he takes this job? Will it seem like an ultimatum/blackmail or do I need to be honest? If he doesn't take job there is still no guarantee that I will want DC3.

"DH, Im not sure how I feel about a third Dc. Sometimes im keen, other days Im less so. What I know for certain is that this new job will make it impossible for me to manage three under fives. Please could you take that into consideration when we make a decision about this new job?"

Done.

You don't want to end up agreeing to DC3 on the condition that he doesn't take the job. That could end up making you both unhappy.

discrete just being totally nosy, but I wondered what you meant by your post:

I think it's fine, but then again I was always very clear about the level of involvement I would want from dh if we were to have dc, and always happy to not have them too, so maybe I'm biased.

You could agree to have job and DC3 if he is prepared to get cleaners in and other help weekly.

I mean I told dh back when we were teenagers that if he was going to be away working all hours I would not have dc, and that I was perfectly OK with that.

So if he wanted to do the career thing he could, but we would not have dc. And I was OK with that.

If he wanted dc he could not do the career thing.

(seeing as you are being nosy, I'll tell you what we did too: we did do the career thing for 10 years, were told we couldn't have dc but junked in the careers anyway because we were fed up and hey presto, had 2dc that dh is now home schooling)

He cant have his cake an eat it.
He cant BOTH have a dream job that means he is rarely home, and want you to raise three children pretty much on your own. Not a good deal for neither you nor the children. All three of them.

I think this is pretty obvious. But the only way you can put it to him is that you are not sure that you want a third child, and the likelyhood of you ever wanting another is even less if you will be raising 3 children pretty much on your own, while he is realizing his career potentials chasing his dream job.

The financial advantages of the new job are by-the-by, if you are likely to be mortgage free in ten years anyway that's great. Sounds like he wants to do the job, while you pick up the extra work at home and he sees less of the DC. The question is, what do you want? What do you think is best for the family as a whole?

I live in commuterville. Lots of SAHM and very PT mums whose husbands and partners work all the hours. The mens' careers and "dreams" are serviced by women covering everything at home, having very little time for themselves or paid work. It is (almost) never the men doing the at-home role. And WOHM who want to also see their DC in the week cannot compete with women who don't have children or men who do but have a wife at home.

I have a DH who leaves at 7.30 and when the DC were tiny often was not home until 9ish. That was his life blood and that was what made him tick. We would have loved four or five children but after five pgs were grateful to have two - and I wouldn't have expected him to compromise his ambition for more children (but then of course it was what we both wanted).

Your DH, if he is ambitious may need this for his happiness. Personally I think you should count your blessings and think carefully about what is going to make you both happy. If neither can compromise then probably neither of you will ever be happy and it might be best to call it a day now. Your eldest is five, your youngest is a year off at least half a day at nursery. If you don't have another then your life at home will get easier by degrees. Why would you hold your DH back because you don't want to put in the effort at home?

Ours are 18 and 14 now. Lots of mums criticised me 10 years or more ago about letting DH do his own thing professionally and totally supporting him to do it - now they occasionally bleat "you don't understand how much we struggle". Be careful what you wish for OP - some of those families are no longer together.

marriedinwhites position is of course perfectly fine when the woman have no other ambition that staying at home and enabling her husbands career and his ambition. That is also a worth while life choice. But, you have to ask yourself, op, is that also you ambition?

What if you were to be offered a dream job, same caliber as his, would he stay home?

Marriedinwhite, so it's all about the man's dreams, ambitions and happiness? the woman should count her blessings, fully support him, or risk him leaving and being left "bleating" to smug stepford wife friends?!

Plenty of couples split up, whether or not the woman stays at home.

Sorry married is your point that the op should let her DH do whatever he wants in his career because otherwise he might leave her?

No, it's about working together as a partnership and appreciating each other's strengths and weaknesses and knowing what makes the other tick. I don't think the stepford wife comparisons are fair - I had a good career before children and have forged another one after an eight year break. Together we have also forged a successful relationship and a loving home. I know he needs the fulfilment of work, ambition and success - he has supported me to go back to work.

I was also saying that the OP is exceptionally lucky if she can chose whether she has three children - we couldn't. I'm sorry but her post to me came across a bit as wanting cake and eating it.

I did support DH and that didn't mean I turned into a Stepford Wife. It meant that I could do what I wanted, for my local community and in the long term has given me far more freedom than I might otherwise have had. I work because I chose to work.

It's totally reasonable to not want DC3. I'm sure he would understand. How could he not understand? You have to both want the child, whatever number it is. It sounds like life is about to get harder anyway so having DC3 would not be ideal timing for anyone. Just talk to him.

Many, many people don't go for 'dream' jobs or megabucks jobs because actually spending time with their family is important. Or just the grown up thing to do.

You are a person too Evertonmint. Don't feel guilty because you don't want your dh to spend even less time at home.

Married - In what way do I seem to want my cake and eat it? Is 3 kids and a reasonably present husband too much to ask? I'm not sure which bit of my post says that but genuinely would like to know in case I am being unreasonable in my discussions with DH. FWIW I've had 3 pgs, one ended in mc. It's a big part of the reason I'm now wary about 3 and I wonder if we should just count our blessings, with DCS and life as it is now.

We've had a very good chat over dinner. It's a dream job in many ways but it doesn't have dream conditions. We talked about the 3rd DC. He gets it. I'm glad I raised it, so thank you for convincing me I should Lots to mull over. He's less certain than he was. I'm more comfortable with his feelings on work-home balance and how he would manage that. Like I said at the start, he's a good DH, a good dad. We'll make a good decision about this job and the number of DCs we have.

Thank you everyone for your input. I was wary about posting in AIBU but you've been brilliant

If he takes this new job with even more hours involved he will get to see his children even less than he does now. It sounds as though he will be more or less a weekend dad. (You said he's away from the house from 8am until 7pm as it is).

Do you think he would want to bring another child into the world under these circumstances anyway? Maybe he has changed his mind already about a third if he's seriously considering taking this job.

Also, would it be fair on the two children he has already? I'm sure the children would rather have their dad when they're little. You don't want them looking back and saying oh my dad was never there.

Having the mortgage paid off in five years as opposed to ten years would of course be nice, but if it's to the detriment of family life is it worth it?

Just some thoughts.

He said he thinks this job has come maybe 5 years too early. You can get home at 8pm and still have some time with a 10 year old. You can't with a 5yo.

It's feeling at the moment like he'll say no, but it feels like his no, which is good.

I may have been wrong but I got the impression that you didn't want your DH to take this job very much even if you were to stop at two children and that you also didn't really want a third, even though he did. I just recall the mums at the dc's primary who used to tut when dh was never around (he had my full support) who happen to be the same mums who tutted when we had enough to send DS to the indy sector and who now, I know via the grapevine, have made bitter little comments about me going back to work when we don't need the money.

I think you just have to make sure that neither of you will end up blaming the other for unfulfilled dreams.

Well done OP! I'm so glad you had a good honest conversation.

Ah I see. No, not overly keen on him taking this job as we see only just enough of him during the week IMO, but I'm happy with the trade offs that would entail, although have said I would reconsider if this is really, truly the dream job for him. 3rd DC is something I'm thinking through at the moment - with a tantrumming 2yo I'm liable to see the difficult bits at the moment so trying to see beyond that and work out if I do really want one, if we're capable of giving 3 DCs what they need