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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be the unofficial childminder?

48 replies

DocBrown · 25/01/2013 18:39

but can't think of a good enough reason not to be?

Background: I have two DS - one in infant school one in junior school. Both schools start at the same time in the morning but the junior school opens its gate ten minutes earlier and the children can either play in the playground or go into school and get themselves ready for the day. I do not walk my DS the whole way to school (not cool apparently!) but cross the main road with him and off he goes. At the end of the school day there is quarter of an hour time difference - the schools are approx half a mile apart.

My youngest starts junior school (September) together with friend's DD. Her DS will start infant school so will have the same problems as me with the above school drop off problems. It is doable if you get your finger out and don't hang about. I have been doing it for over three years.

Anyway, she has now asked that as I no longer need to go to infants, could I take her DD to school (and wait with her until the bell has gone and is safely in the school grounds) and at the end of the day wait with her DD until she gets there from infants.

Now I don't mind helping anyone out in an emergency but I don't really want to be tied to taking the girl to school everyday but can't think of a good enough reason not to do it as I am going that way anyway. If it helps, my friend does not have to rush off to go to work and does not have any smaller children in a buggy etc

I know "no" is a complete sentence but feel a "need" a reason why.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 25/01/2013 18:41

Because you can't be tied to the responsibility. That's a good enough reason.

Bogeyface · 25/01/2013 18:42

Do you work?

Are you planning to?

Could you tell her that you are planning to go to work or college so cant commit to that as you will be rushing around yourself?

WowOoo · 25/01/2013 18:43

Something like:
I'll help out in an emergency or if you return the favour now and again. No problems with that.
But,I don't really want to be responsible for her as well. You know my children are enough of a handful. I need to ask them about their days/homework immediately or they'll forget.
?? Tricky one. I think my face says it all when I've been asked similar.

Shesparkles · 25/01/2013 18:44

So what exactly is stopping her (apart from she can't be arsed)?

She's very rude to have put you in this situation!

expatinscotland · 25/01/2013 18:46

I'd tell her I was starting a college course and need to go.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2013 18:48

And don't: apologise, qualify it all (I'll help out but only in emergencies) or put any conditions on your NO. Because people like this are piss-takers nd will find any chink in your armour to take advantage of you.

LillianGish · 25/01/2013 18:51

I don't understand why she needs you to do it? You've had three years of dcs at different schools now it's her turn. Just say no - you are looking forward to not having to do that anymore!

suburbophobe · 25/01/2013 18:57

You don't owe her anything.

Just say, no, sorry, can't.

I think she's got a bit of a cheek actually expecting you to take on the responsibility for her child getting to and from school.

Original poster

DocBrown · 25/01/2013 18:59

Thank you for the quick replies - it helps me to sort this out in my head!

I think she wants me to do it so she is not rushed in the morning and the afternoon. Like I said, I've had years of this school run, it is not fun but doable if you get your arse in gear and get from one school to another. We are nothing alike, I am a doer she gets things done for her. But I still like her a lot and she is my friend. Although I think I will be having the piss taken out of me if I go along with this. Her child can be a bit clingy and is very quiet compared to my two very lively boys. What if she decides she is ill at the school gate and doesn't want to go? Junior school is very different to their very nurturing infant school.

I do work, very locally a couple of times a week and do not need to rush off from the school run to get there. I was actually looking forward to only walking half way to school and then my DSs can walk to school together and I could go off and do things for me and my family - am hoping to start up a selling business from home.

OP posts:

drizzlecake · 25/01/2013 19:01

What about just doing one. Either pick up or drop off. That's more than enough.

Squeakygate · 25/01/2013 19:04

Why can't she take her dd to school?
Sounds like the answer is because she can't be arsed.

HSMM · 25/01/2013 19:05

Just say you don't go all the way to school with your children, so you can't do what she's asking.

DontmindifIdo · 25/01/2013 19:06

I'd just say "I'm going to have to say no, I do'nt feel comfortable being responsible for your DD every day, it's a bit much - and really, it sounds hard to do both school runs but I managed it every day for 3 years, you'll be fine, don't underestimate yourself! Plus the schools understand, you'll find there's lots of parents doing exactly the same thing daily. Oh, got to take this"

Original poster

DocBrown · 25/01/2013 19:06

Expat - I fear my armour is already been chinked away - I have helped out with quite a few child related emergencies lately and need to learn to say no and leave it at that. You are right I do not need to qualify my answer but it is just so hard!

OP posts:

Original poster

DocBrown · 25/01/2013 19:09

Dontmind - That is a fantastic reply!

OP posts:

TheSecretCervixDNCOP · 25/01/2013 19:10

About time she became a doer then by the sounds of it. If you do it once you'll be there everytime and she will expect more favours I bet. Just say "no, it will not work for me," if you feel you need to add reason to the no.

Doingthedo · 25/01/2013 19:11

you have your answer there, you are starting a business from home AND you are not going all the way there!

cassgate · 25/01/2013 19:12

Can't you say that you are intending to give tour ds's more responsibility and was only intenting to walk them half way to school and let them do the rest on their own. Think thats what you said in one of your previous posts. You can always say its with a view to letting them walk on their own in say six months time.

Molehillmountain · 25/01/2013 19:16

I started an arrangement a bit like this but more reciprocal. I really didn't like it-as soon as I'm responsible for other people's children I relax less and am less there for them. Added to the fact that in the morning, we need to go when we're ready to go and we'd have to hang around waiting (minutes but crot

Inertia · 25/01/2013 19:17

Just tell her you won't be walking all the way there, they'll be walking the last part of way themselves.
And then give her the details of an actual childminder who does pick ups and drop off ...

Fizzylemonade · 25/01/2013 19:18

Does it not make you wonder if you are friends because you do her favours?

I have been a SAHM for 9 years so I can do a school run every day and both of my children are in school, my youngest is nearly 7.

I have never felt like I have been taken advantage of ever. A lot of my friends work and know that in an emergency I can either take or collect their children, but in return (although certainly not required) they will pick my two up on another day and take them back to their house for tea!

I would just rehearse what you are going to say, and if she pushes it you just repeat the phrase, I am sorry but I am not prepared to do it daily. If you feel this is an issue then why don't you look into dropping her off at a childminders?

One of my friends is a SAHM and covered an emergency childcare situation, she now picks this child up every single week and also has her in the holidays. She hates herself for it, can't stop it as she feels she can't give a reason why.

I personally think any "friend" would only ever ask for something as an emergency.

TheSkiingGardener · 25/01/2013 19:18

So you're not going to be walking all the way there anyway? You have a perfectly good and legitimate reason. Time to learn to say "No" to her on a number of fronts by the sound of it.

greenpostit · 25/01/2013 19:18

Could tell her that she won't have a problem as you have been doing this double drop off and pick up ok for 3 years. Also say you aren't waiting until your dses go in because they don't need it so it isn't convenient to wait for her dd. can't believe the cheek of some people!

Molehillmountain · 25/01/2013 19:19

Sorry-minutes only but critical when one if mine was a baby who'd got used to sleeping on the way and got tetchy if held up. Anyway-it didn't work and I'd always help in an emergency but have to put my family first. A long winded way of saying I feel your pain and just say no.

DearPrudence · 25/01/2013 19:20

I can see that it's hard to just say 'no', even though you have every right to. I think the fact that you don't plan to take your children all the way there is a good enough reason.

I had a similar situation with neighbours, when we used to regularly do a car-share into school. When it got to the stage that my child was in year 2 and I was being asked to take another child to reception, I said no. I had a 30 mile drive to work and needed to drop and run. The neighbour saw her arse a bit and stopped the whole lift-share arrangement (fair enough), but it didn't last long and we stayed friendly.

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