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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think Dsis is royally taking the piss out of my parents...

37 replies

abbathehorse · 24/01/2013 14:08

Younger Dsis, 29, lives with my parents. Her boyfriend, 27, lives with them too. Not that he was invited, she just gradually moved him in and now he virtually never leaves the house.

My parents are not keen on their relationship - he has not got a job and sits around playing computer games all day. Dsis works two jobs and is often out from 10am til 11pm leaving him in the house with parents. He does not go up to Dsis' room but hangs around downstairs sitting in my mum's place on the sofa all day (the best place for embroidery cos of the light!) or in the kitchen with my parents watching my mum cook and asking her about every ingredient that she puts in. ALL DAY. He never leaves the house except to go to the pub with mates. Even to the point of asking my dad to pick stuff up for him when he goes to the shops. Every meal is hoovered up by him, dad says it makes a huge difference to the food bill. If my dad asks what they're doing that evening, boyfriend will ask what's for dinner, and if he likes it, will stay in for it, he's quite open about it. They were there for the whole of Christmas and didn't even bring my dad a bottle of wine.

Parents are both retired so no escape at work for them. Dsis boyfriend is a know all and loves to lecture - butts in on every conversation with an "I know better" type comment.

This has been going on for a year. Despite having an MA, Dsis doesn't want to get a proper job (does bar jobs) because she wants to be free to travel. They both spent last year saving for a three month trip around Asia last autumn. This was at the expense of my parents. Dsis and him pay no rent and give no help around the house. Only time Dsis hoovered was when one of her other friends was coming to stay and that was only before she came, and only the room she was going to stay in - my mum cleaned up after, including stripping the bed etc. My parents were originally going to confront them about moving out when they got back from Asia, but then my mum didn't want to spoil Christmas for them. Now my dad is saying rents in London are too high, and not fair to kick them out.

Dsis is rude about how clean the house is - my parents are laid back housekeepers, but not filthy - but does not lift a finger to help. If asked she says she is too busy with work. She does find time for 30 mins on her exercise bike every morning, though.

If my parents say anything negative about the boyfriend Dsis goes APESHIT. Normally sweet, lovely girl but, if crossed, turns into a sweary maniac. It seems a bit bullying the way she holds this over them, so they are too scared to raise anything.

Parents v unhappy with situation. Continually complaining to me about how awful they are, yet unwilling to say anything. Literally every conversation I have with my mum is how awful it is living with the boyfriend, how rude he is, how she has no space for herself. She has started leaving the house just to get away from him.

FYI I live away from them with husband and DD, so this is not affecting me directly, just concerned for parents, I think, but feel free to correct me ;)

WIBU to have a word with Dsis or should I butt out?

OP posts:
BabsAndTheRu · 24/01/2013 14:18

Sorry but your parents are adults and its their home, why have they not said anything. God my mum and dad would have gone ballistic at this. They need to get a back bone and your sister needs to start showing them some respect. I bet you feel like piggy in the middle. Have to say anybody sitting in my mothers seat would have been forcibly removed by her, but I come from a family of stubborn wee gits.

BabsAndTheRu · 24/01/2013 14:20

God I feel angry for you due to them taking the piss out your mum and dad, they don't need this hassle they should be enjoying their retirement. Selfish bastards they really are!

PureQuintessence · 24/01/2013 14:20

Your parents are adults, and need to behave like adults.

Your sister is also an adult, as is her boyfriend.

You need to keep your beak out, there is nothing you can do.

wineandroses · 24/01/2013 14:21

Well, you could have a word with DSIS, though I would be prepared for her to turn on you too! Why wouldn't she? And she will tell you to mind your own business. Your parents have got to deal with this themselves - encourage them to 'man-up' and tell DSIS and her BF to get their own place, perhaps giving them a month or two. Or maybe go to live with BF's parents?

Lazy gits are on to a good thing so they won't go without a fight. But only your parents can do it I'm afraid.

Corygal · 24/01/2013 14:22

Deadline for moving out time. The younger couple won't ever leave at this rate, they'll have to be given a very gentle boot.

Six months is more than fair.

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2013 14:23

More fool your parents to put it bluntly.

Numberlock · 24/01/2013 14:23

Another reason for me to move into a one room flat when my youngest turns 18, between this thread and the other one with 2 adult sons still living at home...

Unfortunately I can't see there's a lot you can do, sadly.

Do you know if your sister makes a financial contribution?

throckenholt · 24/01/2013 14:25

I might be tempted to say something to DSis - along the lines of how long are you two going to stay with mum and dad ? You can't let it drift on forever without making it more formal - eg what you will contribute, what they will provide, which rooms are yours and theirs etc.

But - bottom line is your parents are adults and have enabled your sister and her boyfriend to be like this by allowing it to get to this. They need to decide what is more important - their own space and possibly grumpy daughter who needs to grow up, or keep quiet for the sake of keeping said grumpy daughter happy (which has been the default setting up til now it seems).

Original poster
abbathehorse · 24/01/2013 14:28

Thanks for responses! Yes, it's as I feared, not really anything I can do.
Numberlock - no financial contribution at all!

OP posts:
Sugarice · 24/01/2013 14:29

You say your Parents are too scared to say anything, well unless you're going to take your dh round to there's for a confrontation to back them up , they'll have to get over that and be tough and give them notice to move out.

If it was my sister I would say something to her , I wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

Do either of them offer money for Board and Keep?

Easier said than done I know but they can't go on like this.

GailTheGoldfish · 24/01/2013 14:31

Your parents need to speak up and give them a deadline to get out. They are having the piss taken but they are allowing it. It's up to them. But if I were you I wouldn't be able to resist telling my sister she was a freeloading cow and her BF a tosser of the worst kind.

Hegsy · 24/01/2013 14:33

Are they afraid your sister will cut them out if they force her to move out? Just with you saying you live away? They might be worried about being on their own.

If it was me I'd be having a word with your sis but you'd need to ensure your parents would back it up ie you saying to sis it's unfair, they need to contribute/move etc then she goes to your parents and they say no not at all no idea why she thinks that etc cause then you just look like your butting in.

catus · 24/01/2013 14:39

Strictly speaking, this is not your problem. But, it would be reasonnable to raise it with your sister, although from what you say about her it could be a very difficult conversation.
They clearly are taking advantage of your parents. How they can be so shameless, I don't know. But at the end of the day your parents are the only ones who can make it stop. So maybe help them with that, encourage them to take that step that would benefit not only them but your sister too. She has to learn to live independently some day!
Do you have any other siblings, could they give a hand in helping your parents make the decision to ask them to leave?

LaVitaBellissima · 24/01/2013 14:43

They are royally taking the piss Shock

Your parents need to sort this out, and need to put their cards on the table. Is your mum doing all of their washing as well?

They need to stop enabling them both, otherwise they will never leave.

Maybe they should get lodgers in next time your sis and boyf are away Grin no room at the inn!

fuzzypicklehead · 24/01/2013 14:44

Do your parents actually want you to do anything?

You say they complain about the situation--are they just venting and letting off steam, or are they actually hoping you'll act?

I think you should ask your parents if they would like you to intervene, and if so, how. Then you can decide whether to do it or not.

Gigondas · 24/01/2013 14:49

Or change the locks. It's a tricky one as I can see how it is their issue but affects you If they complain about it.

But being brutal they have allowed this to happen and only they can put a stop to it. They have to decide whether being doormat housemates reluctantly or having a row and some space is more worthwhile.

BabsAndTheRu · 24/01/2013 14:50

Show your sister this thread. Her BF is taking the piss out of her as well, no job but she's working two.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 24/01/2013 14:55

I think you need to tell your parents to do something about it or STFU whinging to you about it.

ENormaSnob · 24/01/2013 14:55

The pair of freeloading scrounging twats Shock

ivykaty44 · 24/01/2013 14:56

Your parents can ask him to leave if they wish
your parents can cook three meals if they wish or they can cook two meals and tell b/f to get his own when he asks what is for tea - nothing for you could be the reply
your parents could tell him to move seats as it is their home and he is not a guest but an annoyance

have your parents asked you to have a word with your dsis?

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 24/01/2013 14:59

I hope your parents realise that by letting this situation continue, they are enabling your Dsis and her BF's behaviour? That they will never learn to stand on their own two feet, the value of money, the cost of running a home, etc??

It's not being kind or helpful to them in the long term, and it seems to me that she's already been plenty spoilt (from her attitude) so the sooner it ends, the better all round!!

DontmindifIdo · 24/01/2013 15:01

You need to talk to your dad, point out that rents being high might be a concern for his child but for someone elses (ie .the boyfriend) it's not really his problem. They are perfectly entitled to say that while your DSis can continue to live there, they don't want her boyfriend living there too, so either he moves out on his own, or they both move out together if they think they can afford that.

Or the alternative is they tell the boyfriend he has to pay £500 permonth in rent (perfectly cheap if that includes food as well as all bills, far less than he'd pay renting a place in London) and if he doesn't like that, then he's no longer allowed to stay over or eat with the family unless DSis/he buys and cooks his meals.

Tell your parents if they don't do this, then they are basically saying they are happy with the situation. That it's their home and their choice if they have this lodger to stay.

Basically, point out to them it's their choice. Then every time they complain again say "well, it's entirely your own choice, do something about it if you don't want them there".

HecateWhoopass · 24/01/2013 15:21

I agree with the others. This is your parents' choice.

They can't on the one hand allow this and on the other hand moan to you.

You need to get tough with your parents.

YOU are letting them do this - stop moaning to me about it. Either deal with it or accept it. But either way - I don't want to hear any more about it.

DixieD · 24/01/2013 15:21

Look Dsis and her bf are taking the absolute piss, but tbh your parents have no one to blame but themselves. BILS did similar to my ILS. MIL used to piss and moan to me about it. In the end I got fucking sick of listening to her. I told her that I didn't want to hear it anymore. She and FIL were grown ups. Ask for the rent, stop washing, cooking and ironing for them. If they are taking advantage it's only cause they were letting them.
My parents were the opposite. My cousin came over from Oz and ensconced himself on our couch. If Dad wanted to watch something he walked into the sitting room, asked for the remote control and told him to get out of his chair. They have him a couple of months to get sorted and then said they wanted rent. He moved out.
Your parents need to sort this. It's completely within their control.

girlywhirly · 24/01/2013 16:13

While it isn't unreasonable for your parents to feel put upon, it really is their job to do something about it. They could draw up an agreement for DSIS and boyfriend, all inclusive of rent, bills and food, shared cleaning, and cooking, and they do their own laundry and ironing.

If they don't agree, or they agree and don't pay, they should be aware that they will be given a short time in which to find alternative places to live. I'm sure they could find a double room in a shared house which would be within their means. With any luck, this will make DSIS realise that she is the only one in the relationship forking out and they will split up.

Or this might be a bit radical, but my cousin's MIL sold her house and moved to sheltered housing where she wasn't allowed to have anyone living with her, to stop her youngest son moving in after he thought he would do so!