To think Dsis is royally taking the piss out of my parents...

[abbathehorse]

Younger Dsis, 29, lives with my parents. Her boyfriend, 27, lives with them too. Not that he was invited, she just gradually moved him in and now he virtually never leaves the house.

My parents are not keen on their relationship - he has not got a job and sits around playing computer games all day. Dsis works two jobs and is often out from 10am til 11pm leaving him in the house with parents. He does not go up to Dsis' room but hangs around downstairs sitting in my mum's place on the sofa all day (the best place for embroidery cos of the light!) or in the kitchen with my parents watching my mum cook and asking her about every ingredient that she puts in. ALL DAY. He never leaves the house except to go to the pub with mates. Even to the point of asking my dad to pick stuff up for him when he goes to the shops. Every meal is hoovered up by him, dad says it makes a huge difference to the food bill. If my dad asks what they're doing that evening, boyfriend will ask what's for dinner, and if he likes it, will stay in for it, he's quite open about it. They were there for the whole of Christmas and didn't even bring my dad a bottle of wine.

Parents are both retired so no escape at work for them. Dsis boyfriend is a know all and loves to lecture - butts in on every conversation with an "I know better" type comment.

This has been going on for a year. Despite having an MA, Dsis doesn't want to get a proper job (does bar jobs) because she wants to be free to travel. They both spent last year saving for a three month trip around Asia last autumn. This was at the expense of my parents. Dsis and him pay no rent and give no help around the house. Only time Dsis hoovered was when one of her other friends was coming to stay and that was only before she came, and only the room she was going to stay in - my mum cleaned up after, including stripping the bed etc. My parents were originally going to confront them about moving out when they got back from Asia, but then my mum didn't want to spoil Christmas for them. Now my dad is saying rents in London are too high, and not fair to kick them out.

Dsis is rude about how clean the house is - my parents are laid back housekeepers, but not filthy - but does not lift a finger to help. If asked she says she is too busy with work. She does find time for 30 mins on her exercise bike every morning, though.

If my parents say anything negative about the boyfriend Dsis goes APESHIT. Normally sweet, lovely girl but, if crossed, turns into a sweary maniac. It seems a bit bullying the way she holds this over them, so they are too scared to raise anything.

Parents v unhappy with situation. Continually complaining to me about how awful they are, yet unwilling to say anything. Literally every conversation I have with my mum is how awful it is living with the boyfriend, how rude he is, how she has no space for herself. She has started leaving the house just to get away from him.

FYI I live away from them with husband and DD, so this is not affecting me directly, just concerned for parents, I think, but feel free to correct me ;)

WIBU to have a word with Dsis or should I butt out?

BTW - have you tried talking to your sister without your parents or her boyfriend being around? Perhaps suggest you think your parents are getting annoyed with funding her bf as well and if she doesn't want them to go down the 'nuclear option' of throwing them both out, he should either offer to pay some rent or move back where he was living before - phrase it as giving her a heads up to let her 'manage' the situation...

Tell you parents to grow a set of balls.

"Hello boyfriend, you can't live here any more."
Hello daughter, we really don't want to have to kick you out but your behaviour has been unacceptable. I understand if you want to. Move out with BF. If not, new rules are x, y, z. Oh, and you will be paying. £x pcm for your share of the bills."

Thanks for the advice everyone :)

Hegsy - yes, they are worried about being left alone. Boyfriend is American so worst case scenario, Dsis storms of to California never to be seen again. And MARRIES him, which is my mum's nightmare.

I only live 30 mins away, when I say away, and mum and I v close.

LaVitaBellissimma - yes, she does all their washing. My parents went away for the weekend and when they got back found my sister had done a wash, and carefully separated everything in the basket so as only to wash her and BF's things. Heaven forbid she do something for someone else!

GirlyWhirly - I think a setup where they're renting would be great as Dsis would see what a waster he is, yes!

My mum is not keen for me to talk to Dsis - I had a plan of saying something like "parents are so worried about saying anything to you because they don't want to alienate you, but they can't stand living with boyfriend any more." Ma thinks I need to not have a major falling out with her because as sisters she wants us to stay friends "after she's gone", which is sweet, but part of being friends is being able to be frank with someone.

DontMindifIdo - The heads up idea is a good way of phrasing it, hmmm...

Friends don't treat people like that though.

If your parents don't feel able to cope with this, then I'd say something, or at least help them to formulate a plan.

Could they have a look for flats, give the sister the deposit and then wave them off? They'd more than recoup the deposit money with what they'd save when they go.

If nothing else, they need to stop washing and cooking for them.

Can the BF legally work in the Uk? He he claiming any benefits?
Does he want to work? It can't be that hard to find a bar job or something?

LaVitaBelissima - he can work, but he's decided he doesn't want to do bar work anymore. He has applied to undergrad degree courses (he already has one degree) starting in September and doesn't want to commit to anything permanent in the interim.

He has a part time bar job starting in February covering staff sickness (odd shifts). Will pay enough money for him to go to the pub! So basically he's not that fussed about finding work.

He's not fussed because he has no outgoings.

Exactly manic, I think if your parents don't want to charge your Sis rent etc, but why should he freeload off your parents.

I would be like a bull in a china shop, and would just tell them all what I thought.

Your parents are to blame here though for not setting boundaries, FFS playing video games whilst your mum wants to embroider.

At the very least if he doesn't work, he should be not allowed in the house Mon- Fri 9-5pm, he can go to the library or volunteer somewhere!

If your parents are too nervous about bringing it up, then they should just start withdrawing their 'services'.

Firstly, they stop cooking for them. For the next few months they need to hit up every friend and family member for invites to dinner (including yourself) and go out to cafes, restaurants etc and have dinner out. They can completely stop cooking dinner for your scrounger SIS and her BF, in a non confrontational way. After awhile they then need to make sure there's actually no food in the fridge for your SIS and BF to cook up themselves.

Secondly, stop washing their clothes. No need to even do a sort, they just buy a clothing basket for their own bedroom rather than having a communal one (whether in bathroom or utility) and ignore the other one. If your SIS starts having to wash her BF's clothes she's going to start getting stroppy with boyfriend.

If your DM loves embroidery tell her to start leaving a few needles in her favouite armchair [evil grin emoticon]. THAT wil teach the selfish sod to leave that chair for your DM (just make sure she remembers where she put it though!!!).

Start turning the heating down, the router off at night (and during the day), basically anything they use, make it awkward for them to use it.

If they complain - sorry dear, we can't afford to do X, Y or Z.

Definitely turn the router off, or just hide one of the leads.

It may be an inconvenience but could your parents shop day to day, so there's only enough in for their meals. Hide the teabags.

Ma thinks I need to not have a major falling out with her because as sisters she wants us to stay friends "after she's gone", which is sweet, but part of being friends is being able to be frank with someone.

Explain to her that her inaction is having the opposite effect. My brother and I do not get on and when my mum lets my brother walk all over her it just makes me more and more angry with him. When she makes excuses for him it is even worse. You would like your sister much more if you didn't have to see this going on, unresolved.

Agree you should encourage your parents to set some ground rules. Start with asking them to clear up after the meal, or asking them to cook (including buying the food!).

Nothing to do with you.

TBH, my parents would love me to move back home and wouldn't care about putting up with any level of slovenliness to have me there.

Keep your nose out, your parents are adults.