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AIBU?

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Original poster

To apologise to my ex-husband's partner

42 replies

EverybodyLies · 23/01/2013 14:50

Namechanged for this as I feel like a right tit.

Short version. Split up with my ex seven years ago when he hit me in front of our son, who was a toddler at the time. No feelings for him, never tempted to go back.

He met someone else about five years ago and they live together. She has never spoken to me and has maybe said hello twice in the time they have been together, which is not a problem and her choice entirely.

Anyway about two months ago I was at my friend's house and apparently (can't remember this as I had had quite a lot of wine) I sent my ex a text and rang him up. I don't know what I said and my friend doesn't know what I said because she wasn't in the room when I did it. God only knows why I did it in the first place because I have no feelings for this man whatsoever. He is my son's dad. End of. I spent long enough being mentally and verbally abused by him and no way would I ever have him back. I have no logical explanation for what I did or why I did it.

The following day I apologised to my ex (when my friend told me what I had done) and he said not to worry about it. I said that I would apologise to his gf when I saw her, but I haven't seen her since then, other than her being in the car when they drop my little boy off.

It's been playing on my mind since then. I know that she has never liked me (this predates the text and the phone call) and this text/phone call fiasco hasn't exactly made me look great in her eyes. I really don't want to have upset this woman.

So I have written a letter to her to apologise. I am planning to give this to my ex later when he drops our son off, so that he can give it to her when he gets home. I don't want her to think that I am trying to get him back or cause problems in their relationship because I don't want to do that. All I have ever wanted is an amicable relationship for the sake of our son.

AIBU to write to her in this way?

OP posts:
pictish · 23/01/2013 14:51

Dunno - what did you text/call him about?

EuroShagmore · 23/01/2013 14:52

I would just let it lie frankly.

diddl · 23/01/2013 14:52

You´ve apologised to the person that you phoned.

Why don´t you think that that is enough?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 23/01/2013 14:53

YABU and tbh, despite your protestations, you come across as more than a little fixated on your ex and his partner.

Just leave it.

scarletforya · 23/01/2013 14:54

I wouldn't put anything in writing. Could be used against you in future.

You apologised already, the woman doesn't like you. doesn't matter, at all.

let sleeping dogs lie I say.

mrgarybarlow · 23/01/2013 14:55

I agree with Euro. Just leave it. By letter writing you are making it into more of an issue.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/01/2013 14:57

gosh yes, leave it

you don't know what you said, or what you texted

your friend who was with you at the time, wasn't with you at the time

you've apologised to the recipient

end of, surely?

unless you propositioned him? eek

LittleWhiteWolf · 23/01/2013 14:57

I think you are making too much of this. Best leave it as it is.
Surely your ex can fill you in on what you said when you rang him; don;t you have a sent text folder on your phone? I find it really strange that you desperately what to apologise/make amends even though you don't remember what was said Hmm

Original poster
EverybodyLies · 23/01/2013 14:59

No, not fixated. I just don't like upsetting people. When I say playing on my mind, I don't mean 24 hours a day or anything. I just feel bad about it and want to put it right if I can.

Pictish, god knows. But this phone call took place after a night out, so it was quite late when I rang. No excuse for it really.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 23/01/2013 14:59

leave it

never explain,. never apologise

sounds like you WANT to be in dialgue with her!

HecateWhoopass · 23/01/2013 15:01

Just let it go. The more you go on and on about it, the more she's likely to wonder what the hell is going on. don't make a big thing about it.

Original poster
EverybodyLies · 23/01/2013 15:01

When I woke up in the morning after this had happened all of my calls/texts had been deleted. Everything. My friend was upstairs chatting to her bf, as I was at her house after our night out. So she knew what I had done, as I had obviously told her after I had done it. But she wasn't actually in the room when it happened so that's no help. I text my ex to say sorry and that I didn't know what I had said and he said, no worries but his gf is pissed off about it.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/01/2013 15:02

I would leave it. The letter is not only carrying the whole thing on for longer, but is also dragging her into it as well.
Let it go. Forever.

BluelightsAndSirens · 23/01/2013 15:02

Ha ha I've also done this although didn't realise until they returned my drunken voicemail message call.

I personally would leave it in the hope it gets quickly forgoten she doesn't like you and is going to think you are a loon for wrighting to her.

Habble · 23/01/2013 15:04

I think it'd make it a bigger deal to be honest.

Forget it happened and delete troublesome numbers on your phone when drinking Grin

OldBagWantsNewBag · 23/01/2013 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2013 15:05

If it's not causing any issues in their relationship (and why should it) then you've no need to apologise to her.
Let it go, don't give it another though and move on.

RedPencils · 23/01/2013 15:06

Leave it

She might be Pissed off that you woke her up at 3am.

Original poster
EverybodyLies · 23/01/2013 15:07

A unanimous don't send from all of you. You're all probably right. What made me think that I should apologise to her was that my ex rang me today at work to say he was dropping our son back a bit earlier tonight as he was going to the hospital to see a relative. I said fine, no problem. He then asked me not to text him about our son (which is how we usually communicate), as his gf doesn't like it. He then went on to say that the phone call/text saga "hasn't helped the situation".

To be clear. My ex and I normally communicate by text only. No phone calls, no emails. When he drops our son off, he never comes in. If we didn't have a child together I doubt we would have ever spoken again. Which makes what I did even more ridiculous.

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 23/01/2013 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 23/01/2013 15:11

Plus...this is a man that treated you appallingly in your relationship together, and even though he said no worries, he made a point of telling you his gf was pissed off. Well so fucking what? Given his previous treatment of you, he has no place to be making you feel bad, in even a small way.

Now you feel the need to smooth things over with them, why?

Stop being such a pleaser....shrug it off and think of them not.

StinkyWicket · 23/01/2013 15:11

She is being a little ridiculous if she thinks there is something fishy going on when you text about your son. How on earth are you supposed to contact each other about him? Confused

Don't write the letter, but equally text him back saying you have already apologised for your drunken text/call, but that you can't not contact him about his own son.

wewereherefirst · 23/01/2013 15:13

Does he expect to use carrier pigeon instead? Texts are an easy way to discuss timings as you have it in writing.

I wouldn't send the letter or mention it again, but your ex's partner does sound a little insecure.

pictish · 23/01/2013 15:14

He could be making it up of course....maybe she doesn't give two hoots about your texting him.
Maybe he has told her a whole heap of shite about you to make himself look better, and she thinks you're the crazy ex...which would suit him fine no doubt.

Ignore it and them.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/01/2013 15:15

I'd wonder if your ex is milking this. You told him you can't remember what was said, be could be making things up to suit him.

I'd leave the new partner out of it.

Resume texting about your child after a few weeks.

And give your mobile to a friend next time you want to get shitfaced.

Chalk it up to experience & stop apologising about it, it's done and dusted.