To apologise to my ex-husband's partner

[EverybodyLies]

Namechanged for this as I feel like a right tit.

Short version. Split up with my ex seven years ago when he hit me in front of our son, who was a toddler at the time. No feelings for him, never tempted to go back.

He met someone else about five years ago and they live together. She has never spoken to me and has maybe said hello twice in the time they have been together, which is not a problem and her choice entirely.

Anyway about two months ago I was at my friend's house and apparently (can't remember this as I had had quite a lot of wine) I sent my ex a text and rang him up. I don't know what I said and my friend doesn't know what I said because she wasn't in the room when I did it. God only knows why I did it in the first place because I have no feelings for this man whatsoever. He is my son's dad. End of. I spent long enough being mentally and verbally abused by him and no way would I ever have him back. I have no logical explanation for what I did or why I did it.

The following day I apologised to my ex (when my friend told me what I had done) and he said not to worry about it. I said that I would apologise to his gf when I saw her, but I haven't seen her since then, other than her being in the car when they drop my little boy off.

It's been playing on my mind since then. I know that she has never liked me (this predates the text and the phone call) and this text/phone call fiasco hasn't exactly made me look great in her eyes. I really don't want to have upset this woman.

So I have written a letter to her to apologise. I am planning to give this to my ex later when he drops our son off, so that he can give it to her when he gets home. I don't want her to think that I am trying to get him back or cause problems in their relationship because I don't want to do that. All I have ever wanted is an amicable relationship for the sake of our son.

AIBU to write to her in this way?

ok. she's jealous.

You have to tell him that sorry, you share a child so you will not stop communicating regarding that child and his girlfriend will have to lump it. She can't rewrite history and pretend her boyfriend doesn't have a past!

That you are sorry about the drunken crap you pulled and that won't happen again, but you will not stop communicating about your son. And how does he suggest you liaise about your child if you're not allowed to contact him?

He is using this to lord it over you.

I think his plan is to call me from his work phone if he needs to change arrangements. I never normally need to contact him as there are fixed days that he sees our son and I don't ever need to change them. If I need a quick word about something I usually do it when our son gets dropped off.

ok. Is he trying to make her insecure?

Setting up some sort of secret communication between the two of you

Is he fucking with your head or with hers?

Is he going to pretend that the two of you never ever talk about anything to do with your child and he just guesses about arrangements?

In five years she has never spoken to you except to say hello twice.

You and your ex never normally need to contact each other anyway about your child's arrangements.

You are contactable in an emergency, as is he. You have each others mobile numbers.

It's not as if your drunken text and phone call has sullied an otherwise wonderfully friendly, amicable set-up with your ex and his partner.

So really... don't waste any more time wondering about what's going on with them, what she might think and why. Just let it go.

No I never put kisses on texts. Especially to him. The texts have always been factual and to the point. If I need to tell him about something important (like when our son was being bullied at school), then I do it when he drops him off. I don't know if he is playing games or not to be honest.

He is the master of the universe at playing mind games so it wouldn't surprise me. I had a bit of a breakdown when we split up because of all of the abuse, so I know what he is capable of. It's funny how you can forget what someone is like, given enough time to get over it. Since we split he has been perfectly nice and reasonable, always paid maintenance on time and sees our son a couple of times a week. So to be honest I thought he might have changed, but maybe not?

Probably not.

Just switched his focus...

Yep, agree with everyone else. Just drop it and avoid further contact, otherwise you're going to turn it into a bigger issue.

DrGoogle - my ex and I are friendly. The lack of texts/phone calls doesn't mean that there is a frosty atmosphere. There isn't. I just feel bad about what I did. It's completely out of character. I'm not one for drunken phone calls/texts and never have been. I feel really, really stupid and that I have compromised my ability to communicate with my son's dad. It's my fault and I just wanted to try and put it right.

I wasn't suggesting things are frosty - just that they're not exactly coming in for coffee and a chat at pick up and drop off time, I don't see how anything has changed.

If you don't let it drop you risk giving your ex an even bigger ego boost than you already have.

Even by thinking about his motives and wondering what his GF thinks you're giving him your headspace that he doesn't deserve.

I'm having a really really hard time understanding why you drunk texted/called him of all people. Are you sure you aren't starting to like him again lately in that way? Are you absolutely 100% sure? I'm a big believer in in vino veritas and if you didn't care a jot about him, you wouldn't have made those calls/texts.

As for her, forget it and whatever you do, don't write anything. Written stuff has a habit of either coming back to bite you in the ass or causing you cringeworthy embarassment later. Avoid at all costs.

Move on I'd say, including mentally from Ex and his DP.

Glad I haven't actually written anything down now, having asked all of you! I think I might have made a stupid mistake even worse if I had done it.

Hellto- I honestly don't know. It must be in the top one of stupid things I have done. It took me nearly two years after we split up to get rid of him properly (when he met his gf he stopped being a twat). I was just pleased that his attention was no longer on me. I don't think about him in that way anymore. Ever. I can't understand for the life of me why I did it.

When I said he stopped being a twat I meant the things he was doing to me, not in general!

We don't text between the exes for anything, but especially when arranging child care/drop off or pick up - we made the decision to stick to email only as it's less intrusive for all parties. And texting isn't really the appropriate format to discuss/relay important information about the children, anyway (ie. health care, school issues, etc.)

OP - Perhaps in light of the recent situation it might be best for you and your DCs father to do the same? If nothing else it might help to alleviate some of the guilt you're feeling!

I would be more than happy to email but my ex said he hasn't got a computer so that's out. I don't really need to talk to him much. He is the one who changes the contact arrangements and this has, in the past, been done by text.

I appreciate that it's entirely my fault that this situation has arisen, which is why I was hoping that a written apology might diffuse things a bit. On second thoughts it might make things worse, so I'm not going to do it.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. Sometimes you need some perspective from people who aren't involved in the situation.

There seems quite limited ways to contact him if you can't email and texting and ringing is out of the window.

I think you should put the drunken/texting thing behind you. We've all done silly things when drunk. It'll fade into the past.

With texting him, I'd just tell him you will try and stick to his preferred method of contact but if it's really really important you will text or ring him. To not text or ring under ANY circumstances is absurd. If the issue is of greater importance than the "no texting/ringing rule" e.g. proper emergency, then you will just have to text or ring.