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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with DP constantly working really late / being home alone?

53 replies

Daffy55 · 23/01/2013 14:39

DP works in finance in the City. Constant late nights.

He has just called (again) to say he is not sure he will be home tonight as a big deal is completing so he might be in the office all night (again).

I am just so fed up of this. It happens a lot, and always happens without any notice (ie. I have just found out now he won't be home tonight) so it is normally too late for me to arrange to see friends / make alternative plans and we can't plan around it.

DP is really low and fed up with it too. He is keeping his eyes open for other jobs but there aren't many around and he can't 'just quit' as we have a mortgage to pay etc.

I used to work in corporate law myself so I know how it is and these jobs do involve long hours. But I am just so fed up of being home alone without DP all the time (and not knowing in advance so I can prepare myself so to speak). It does not help that I don't really like being in the house on my own at night (because I am a super-wimp).

Does anyone else experience this?

OP posts:
legalalien · 23/01/2013 14:41

You are not unreasonable, but you are certainly not alone!

gabbymum · 23/01/2013 14:44

Hmmm - no notice? in office all night? Sounds fishy to me.

The information you've stated screams OW to me. Sorry.

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/01/2013 14:46

What, not home as in not home at all, until morning?!
I trust my df but have to be honest, I'd be getting his work land line and making some calls to him in the early hours to check if that was me.

Chaoscarriesonagain · 23/01/2013 14:49

I understand you OP, and I don't think it's necessarily suspicious.

Ex DP used to do the exact same, I felt exactly like you :(

I often called him a workaholic and said there are more things to life, which I believe they are! You always feel like you're in the shadows, and that your work can't possibly be as important As you're not working so late, either in the office or at home. At least that's my experience anyway.

What do you want to change ? I did ask my ex to cut back, and he did, only to resent me for it , and accuse me when things didn't go right ; when his team were not performing!

NarcolepsyQueen · 23/01/2013 14:50

Sadly, it is fairly normal in corporate law. Are you assuming nobody is available at short notice to come over? You could perhaps try anyway? How about a hobby that you can do at home, or an on-line course?

Original poster
Daffy55 · 23/01/2013 14:52

There is nothing fishy going on.

I used to work in the industry myself and know that all-nighters are common in finance / law in the City. It comes as a shock to some people (such as my parents who live in a small town and think 7pm is 'working late').

I regularly call him at midnight or 2am on his work landline and he is there. Sometimes he brings the work home and will work at home until 2am /3am.

He is definitely working. There is no OW.

OP posts:
JustAHolyFool · 23/01/2013 14:53

I have this problem too, it's a bit easier as I'm living away from my partner for the next 6 months.

It was never all-nights, but rarely back before 9, and then needed time alone til 10 to destress, then ate dinner, so we'd have maybe 30 minutes or an hour together in the evenings.

I think it's fine if there's a time limit. Like, if he agrees he'll work like this for the next 2 or 3 years, but then it will stop. But you can't go your whole life never seeing your partner, in my opinion (unless you're both happy.)

TeWiSavesTheDay · 23/01/2013 14:54

Yanbu at all.

Unfortunately I don't think you can do much except support him in looking for another job.

Your friends might still be available on short notice too! No harm in asking.

JustAHolyFool · 23/01/2013 14:54

gabby what nonsense. Perfectly normal in the city to work all hours.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 23/01/2013 14:56

It's rubbish. Sad

How long are you together? Do you have DC? Does your DP want to climb the ladder or is he hoping to save bonuses etc and exit for something calmer at 30? (Very few people who say they plan to do that actually manage to Sad)

gabbymum · 23/01/2013 14:56

That kind of scenario isn't normal in my book. I hope he manages to find a job that gives him the time to be your husband. After all, that's why you married him OP.

littlewhitebag · 23/01/2013 15:04

Sounds EXACTLY like my DH. He works in finance too. This week so far he stayed over night in city on Monday as had a dinner to go to. Last night home reasonably early (around 7) Today he is at a meeting in another city so not home until around 10 pm. Usually his day is leave house at 6.25 - get home around 8 pm. Then he checks and sends e mails when home. This is him with his work hours under control.
In the summer he had a bit of a meltdown - working all day and night with no let up. He ended up having to be off for about 8 weeks. I had to nag him to see a doctor and i am so glad i did.
My DD and i watch a lot of TV in the evenings and we got a puppy in the summer to keep me company.
I am not sure what you can do. I think people who are driven and perfectionist (like my DH is) are always like that.

houseelfdobby · 23/01/2013 15:06

Sadly, all-nighters are indeed fairly common in corporate law. You should arrange your own social life on the basis that DH would NOT be home eg join a gym/ bookclub/public lectures/ film/bridge club/ evening classes/ whatever and have a regular babysitter, say for Tuesday and Thursday nights. If your DH makes it home then you can go out together for dinner instead (if would otherwise be the gym or some other activity that you can easily miss).

It's a miserable way to live though as you will end up being the housekeeper and you will both end up distanced from one another with only a working relationship. There is a sky high divorce rate amongst city lawyers for a reason.

Perhaps you will learn to see yourself as a very rich single parent. It could be worse.

legalalien · 23/01/2013 15:08

My only useful suggestions: (a). pick one night a week when you will definitely do something without dh and stick to it whether he is working or not ( that way you are assured of some social life); (b) make sure you make the most of down periods between deals, if and when there are any. Arrange lunch dates when you can - even when busy it's sometimes more manageable to take an hour out in the middle of the day; (c) pick a time of day to touch base and make a definitebcall on whether he'll be home for dinner or not (say 5.30), with a default position of "no" if you can't mke contact. He should be able to email or text even if in a meeting. That way at least you're not waiting around deciding whether to cook, sort your own dinner out etc.

Def par for the course in city law. As you know.

waitingagain · 23/01/2013 15:08

Tbh I would say it's fairly normal for that line of work. DH does overnights quite often and it's something that I accepted as part of his job when we got married. For me it shows his commitment to us as a family as it enables us to have a good lifestyle, and he's pretty driven by his work so I'd never want to take that away from him.

It's a shame that you feel so isolated though. I often have friends over quite late, or get a babysitter to go out. Is that something that you could consider? I am also quite happy to spend nights in on my own as I have my own hobbies, which I quite like working on from home and I enjoy having time to myself to get on with it. Do you have any similar things you could be more involved in, that doesn't need to be planned?

whois · 23/01/2013 15:13

*Hmmm - no notice? in office all night? Sounds fishy to me.

The information you've stated screams OW to me. Sorry*

Uh, no. It's totally normal in decent finance jobs in the city actually.

OP please don't give OP hassle about this. Don't ring him at work "when are you going to be home. Oh but you promised you would be!" Etc Be as supportive as you can to home because its no fun working late like that.

To cope without him? Um, why don't you like being in the house on your own? You need to fix that really.

Make a nice meal anyway even if its just for you. Have a glass of wine. Read a book. Watch TV. Phone your friends. Go to the gym. Get a hobby. Clean the bathroom.

There are lots of things you could do in the evenings.

HumphreyCobbler · 23/01/2013 15:16

there are lots of things the op can do, and I am sure she does them but it is still a bit shit. For her and her DH.

Ragwort · 23/01/2013 15:18

You really need to learn to enjoy your own company, presumably you knew when you married your DH that this was the sort of work he did (with the attraction of a decent salary no doubt Grin) - that's just the way it is in a lot of jobs. My DH has never worked 'regular' hours (unfortunately he doesn't earn a city salary either Grin) - but I have plenty of hobbies/interests that I can do on my own, and after 25 years it is a real shock if he gets home around 7pm !!

valiumredhead · 23/01/2013 15:20

Sounds normal to me not 'fishy' at all.

OP you sort of need to forge a life for yourself so you aren't 'waiting' all the time. The only way I used to be able to cope with it was to remind myself that it would be MUCH shitter if dh wasn't working.

Wrt not liking being in the house alone, could you get a pet?

Ragwort · 23/01/2013 15:21

Daffy - have you got children? Is there any reason you can't go out in the evenings? Why don't you just assume your DP won't be around in the evenings and organise some evening classes/gym/voluntary work etc so that you are happy and busy. There seems no need to sit around waiting for your DP to get home Hmm.

fromparistoberlin · 23/01/2013 15:22

not BU
not alone

and I agree, this is his job. and things in city-ville are super tough right now, loads of redundancies and pressure

Until his work changes you need to develop a plan B

night out
exercise class
friends!
DVDs

etc

develop some coping mechanisms rather than getting pissed off about it

gotta put bread on the table huh

Duritzfan · 23/01/2013 15:23

Yep another "city widow" here ! He's currently away abroad but is never home before 7.30, leaves at 5am
And late nights too .. I did used to hate it but now I have gotten used to it and we make the most of our weekends
Lots of tv, a hobby, bubble baths and email are your friends :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2013 15:25

The problem seems to be about expectations. (Let's ignore for the moment that it is reasonable to expect to see your DP of an evening).

At the moment, you are both living as if he is going to be home and you will be together. When it doesn't happen, it makes you both unhappy.

Would you be able to change that around? Assume that he won't be home, and have plans made to occupy yourself a few nights a week? Then when he isn't late (your OP makes that sound quite rare to me) it is a bonus that makes you both happy.

I wonder if you haven't already adjusted to that because you feel guilty planning a life without him?

valiumredhead · 23/01/2013 15:26

You need to plan your own evenings so that you aren't constantly disappointed if he works late. If he gets home at a reasonable time then it is a nice surprise.

FreeButtonBee · 23/01/2013 15:33

Ditto - it sucks. My DH has been working crazy hours for months ( had emails on Christmas Day - bloody americans) and while it'd be great to just move jobs, there's fuck all out there. You have to play the game while you're there and if that includes working through til 7am and then going bakc into the office for 11 am, then that's whatnit takes.

I am just about to experience the sharp end of this as i've just started maternity leave and am expecting twins - most likely a section as well I am going to be pretty much house bound for a while Luckily i have a few new baby friends who have similar lifestyles/understand the city work requirements.

I think the weekly babysitter for yourself is a great plan. Also watching decent boxsets rather than sticking on crap telly can make things feel a bit more interesting. Or watching films with a theme or by a director (lovefilm/netflix good for this on a budget).