to be fed up with DP constantly working really late / being home alone?

[Daffy55]

DP works in finance in the City. Constant late nights.

He has just called (again) to say he is not sure he will be home tonight as a big deal is completing so he might be in the office all night (again).

I am just so fed up of this. It happens a lot, and always happens without any notice (ie. I have just found out now he won't be home tonight) so it is normally too late for me to arrange to see friends / make alternative plans and we can't plan around it.

DP is really low and fed up with it too. He is keeping his eyes open for other jobs but there aren't many around and he can't 'just quit' as we have a mortgage to pay etc.

I used to work in corporate law myself so I know how it is and these jobs do involve long hours. But I am just so fed up of being home alone without DP all the time (and not knowing in advance so I can prepare myself so to speak). It does not help that I don't really like being in the house on my own at night (because I am a super-wimp).

Does anyone else experience this?

When I worked for a merchant bank we used to have to work through the night on occasions. It's not unusual in the City. Unless he and you are prepared to see his salary cut drastically, I don't think there's an alternative.

gabbymum why did you feel it necessary to post something like that? Not helpful to the OP is it.

gabby By the sounds of things the OP's dh is providing security for his family - sounds like a good husband to me!

When people make remarks about 'other women', I can only presume they have no idea what long hours some people are expected to work.

You get used to it eventually. I have been married 27 years and i now have no expectation that i will see much of my DH during the week. I choose to work part time so i can get all the housework/shopping/drudgery done which leaves the weekends for us to do things together.

Also - box sets are a must!

Thanks for all the replies

Problem is I work myself and don't get home until 8pm ish myself then I need to eat and wash. I have looked into evening classes but they all start a bit too early for me. I do go to the gym or swimming sometimes.

We are quite new to the area so I don't have any friends in the area, and it's hard to meet any as I work fairly long hours myself. I have started to get involved in a couple of weekend activities so should meet some people soon I hope. I can phone my non-local friends but they are often too busy and don't answer the phone. They all have busy careers, partners etc.

No kids yet. Can't get a dog as I am out of the house 7am - 8pm myself. Would love a dog but can't realistically get one. DP hates cats.

I just hate always coming home to empty house, eating myself and getting into bed alone.

I don't mind when DP gets home between 8 - 10pm, it's just the increasingly frequent all-nighters that get me down

Ragwort yes, the OP could find some hobbies etc...but it's not too much to expect to spend some time with your partner is it? Personally, I would hate to be in a relationship where I never saw the other person. It just seems a really empty way to live your life.

I sympathise, as I'm frequently in the same position (corporate law 'widow') in my case. Nothing remotely fishy about it, except my dh doesn't pretend to be unhappy in his job....he loves it, and I'm delighted for him :)

That doesn't mean that neither he nor I get rather despondent when he doesn't make it home (heck, he's my best friend and we miss each other....) but it's a good sign, and means his career is going well. It's a balancing act - he never ever gets home to see the dcs in the evening anyway, but they (and he!) get a bit miserable if he has to leave before they wake up more than 2 days in a row....

What do I do? Well, I work ft, and almost always have tons left to get on with, so that's one option. If the aupair is in anyway, I might go out or go to the gym but on the whole I don't want to go out again after a long day in the office and 30 mins dcs bedtime...

Most days I excercise on the xbox, catch up on some chores or batch cooking, call a friend for a lengthy chin wag, have a 2 hour long hot bath or watch some crap tv that dh would never agree to.....:) It's a rare evening I don't have plenty to do.

Yes, I got a bit p-d off with dh last week when he very nearly bailed on long standing dinner plans, but that was because the couple we were meeting were already en route; most of the time I take the view that getting upset or cross would imply that dh was doing it on purpose, and i know he isn't/

So I think Y probaby AB a bit U, although it is understandable if you've been looking forward to seeing him all day. If it is really getting you down, on a regular basis, then you need to have a proper lifestyle chat about it, or you need to come up with a list of alternative activities that make you happy and don't require planning (see my list above!) so you can revert to Plan B without feeling short changed.

Yes I definitely need to get box sets!!

I will sign up for LoveFilm!

x posted with OP.

But I've just seen you have no dcs yet

Well, in that case YABU. Sort yourself out...moping about and being too tired to bother going out (subtext: you want dh home to entertain you) when he is working hard in the office, is not a good way to go.

He will start to feel defensive about working hard, and (as you said) he's not volunteering for extra duties, this is about doing his job properly.

Why don't you go out after work rather than going home? Sign up for an evening class or something. Don't be a drip.

And (I'm going to get flamed for this, but never mind) do not have dcs with this man until you sort out your expectations....if you think its not nice now, just imagine how miserable you will be if you are on your own with a small baby at home all day and then your dh doesn't come home to help out/give you a break/keep you company.

The trouble is you get used to it and then find yourself getting a bit annoyed with them if they come home at a normal time and spoil the lovely evening you have planned

Is he happy about it? Does he want to climb the ladder or does he have an exit strategy?

A lot of people would be very happy with your lives but that doesn't mean you both have to be.

I think you need to both sit down and figure out what your dream life looks like, what sacrifices you are bth prepared to make, and how you'd like to get there.

(FWIW DH and I have been there and went down a totally different path to a very different lifestyle, with massive pluses but also massive risks. I am so very glad we did but we still have lots of City friends who are happy with their choices too.)

TBH don't really think there is much you can do unless he is prepared to take a lower paid job. Can you manage financially on a lower wage?

It's pretty much been my life for 20 years so I can empathise. DH works in same sector in the city and works similar hours, although things have improved over the years he's still yet to ever really get home before 7:30pm.

I think it will get easier as you make friends, also if you have children things will change. I don't know where you're working but I used to go and meet DH, and I still do depending on the DC, for dinner because he could normally get out for an hour or 2.

I also had set nights a week that I did things, if DH came home and had to be alone that was his issue, my plans were set. Do you have anyone at your work who you could go out for dinner or drinks with after?

I love my own company but even so it is really crap being on your own, I think that the waiting and the unpredictability also exacerbates it and its probably one of the reasons DH and I had children so early on. It's one of those things you have to work out, you have to try to find things to fill your time and make it so you aren't just the one waiting at home or it will make you very unhappy.

webwiz - that is so true! And i hate it when DH leaves the house later in the morning and he is hanging around the kitchen getting in my way and sitting in 'my' spot at the table.

Lol webwiz! I sometimes get annoyed when DH calls me from the office when i'm i the middle of a tv programme. I can pause it and sometimes he really just wants a wee chat and moan and catch up. I am trying to be less ungrateful!

OP - sometimes i find it's best not to go home and then try to get out again. Do things on the way home - even go to the cinema! I find it's really hard to get out of the house once i've got in.

Webwiz ....I hate having to add cold water to my lovely hot bath because dh gets home and wants to join me!

My DP doesn't do all nighters but he gets in most nights at 10 and goes in for a day, 9-5 at the weekend. He is Part ii Architect and has to sometimes work in the London office, other times work locally. Sometimes he has to visit 'a site' which could be anywhere in London. Ordinarily he'd be back about 8 but he has a year to go before he is a fully qualified Architect so stays in the office to work on that after he has finished his paid work. Obviously, being an Architect doesn't have the sort of financial reward that corporate Law in the City does but hopefully this commitment will pay off next year.

My brother is a Partner in a City firm and his wife is often in your predicament but she does organise nights out for herself and arranges for someone to babysit. I think she accepts it as they have planned for early retirement, also they live in a lovely big house, etc. I find it difficult because you don't get that lifestyle to compensate on my DP's salary but it could be a lot worse so I'm ok with it for now.

I was thinking of posting somethig similar a couple of months ago when DH was working long hours. It's calmed down now but it was a bit miserable waiting for him to get home (made worse by being at home all day so felt even longer)

Do you have any hobbies you are interested in? I sew and knit so can absorb myself in doing that if DH is back late.

It is perfectly normal to work these hours in law and finance. The only upside is that your dh is well paid. Make sure that you are both enjoying the fruits of his labour. Plenty of treats, new purchases, weekends away etc. Try to focus on the good things that his job brings. It is very hard when work takes over your life, you need to make sure that you both enjoy the time you have together.

OP YANBU. I have been in your exact position and it does wear you down. Hobbies etc are essential and legalalien's points are great, but ultimately you really just want to see more of your DP so it's always going to be a bit of a sadness. It's also one of several reasons we're unlikely to have children.

Just realised that sounds really miserable, but I'm just commiserating as ultimately that's just the way it is!

Thanks

But to the people who have suggested we are rich......., sadly that is not really the case! We are both quite junior in our careers so while we earn decent money it's not megabucks!! And if you divide DP's salary by the number of hours he works - per hour he is probably not that well paid

I just thought about the things I used to do to fill my time.

Definitely nights out and exercises glasses or taking yourself shopping.

But I pretty much decorated our entire old house in the evenings when DH wasn't around. It sounds quite bizarre but I would be itching to get home and do some painting or tiling and would as webwiz said quite pissed off if DH would suddenly appear and interrupt.

Also, and some will call it unfair division of labour but I never minded anyway (as I'm a total control freak who can't sit still) but I would get things done when DH wasn't there so that when we spent time together we didn't have to do cleaning or the supermarket shop or worry too much about dinner.

Definitely join lovefilm. Something I and DH do now though is buy tv eps from iTunes, he puts them on his iPad and watches em on his commute and I watch them on the laptop at home then we are both up to date with them and chat about them. That sounds really sad reading it back but I quite enjoy it.

If your DH is junior it will be harder but we have date night each week and once its arranged DH will really try and stick to it. Even if its Saturday where you arrange to do something special I do think it helps the relationship.

It does sound callous but if you have no dcs yet you should really make the most of your time! You have to build a life that doesn't revolve around him being at home and then it's a bonus if he is!

My dh is rarely here. He travels a lot for work and if he's in the uk he often works late or has other commitments. I can't get to anything else as I have 4 dcs at home and no babysitter.

You need to find a similarly placed friend with small children who lives nearby. They will mostly be home and glad of a visitor to provide adult company in the evening :)

Agree with others who have said make a routine around yourself. Assume DH isn't going to be there so when he is, it's a bonus.

I realised about 7 years into our marriage, with 2 young DDs, that I had to accept the situation would probably never change or leave. I decided to pretend I was a single parent during the week and just enjoy and get on with life.