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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another baby at 41

133 replies

raceorama · 22/01/2013 10:19

I have 3 dcs and would really like a forth. My DH is not so keen though to go through the baby stage again not sure if I should try to change his mind. Anyone else in similar situation.

OP posts:
ExpatAl · 22/01/2013 23:02

There, there, love. Does cocoa make you too excitable? Shall I make just a nice cup of hot milk for you?

JaneFonda · 22/01/2013 23:05

ExpatAl - in what way was I patronising?

MrsDeVere - Actually, yes, I do think it is selfish to risk having a baby with severe health issues just because someone fancies a fourth child.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2013 23:11

'Actually, yes, I do think it is selfish to risk having a baby with severe health issues just because someone fancies a fourth child.'

As far as I can recall, the only health condition associated directly with advanced maternal age is Down's Syndrome, which some people don't consider a 'severe health issue' and which, of course, can occur in babies born to mothers of any age.

MrsDeVere · 22/01/2013 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carmenelectra · 22/01/2013 23:17

Omg eggsy. Over 40 is out of touch!

Jesus. I'm as so not out of touch! No different in a lot of ways to how I was when I was 20. I certainly am not some frumpy 40 plus who hasn't got a clue, dresses like a granny and is an embarrassment. Talk about old stereotyping!

fourfingerkitkat · 22/01/2013 23:19

eggsy11 - Appreciate that this is your experience of older mums but I would have to disagree. My friend and I (both 38 now but 34 when we had our kids) met up every Monday until a few weeks ago at the local soft play. We would be running around, up and down the shoot and playing with the kids. I often looked up to see a "younger Mum" glued to her Iphone checking FB or flicking through the pages of Closer....Maybe a stereotype but point I'm making is there are pros and cons to being a younger or older Mum...

ExpatAl · 22/01/2013 23:20

JaneFonda because you spoke as if older parents weren't aware of these issues and hadn't given them some thought. It is by no means a given that older parents will have a disabled child or a child with severe health issues. And there are all kinds of disability. You're being quite offensive.

fourfingerkitkat · 22/01/2013 23:23

Oh, and I would absolutely love a 3rd child though it would be completely selfish and irresponsible given that we are financially pulling into shit street as we speak....Also DH has concerns about our age and any associated risks.

carmenelectra · 22/01/2013 23:26

There are age related risks. From 35 onwards is the greater risks. I will add, I had two dc's over 35.

Risks as having a disabled child being downs syndrome. Imo. Absolutely not the worst thing that could happen, trust me. I work in maternity and I can say this is true from point of view.

Going back to those worrying about having a baby in 40's and thinking how many yrs it will be before you are 'childfree' again, well that's one downside for me. Even if I don't have another baby I won't have time to myself till at least late 50's. And I'd love time with dp, just the 2 of us! However, I agree with the poster who said its hard to live with regrets too.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2013 23:32

There are also risks that come with being obese, no matter what your age.

MrsDeVere · 22/01/2013 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 22/01/2013 23:34

Well I was almost 41 when I had my first - and only. Menopause at 44 did it for me, but I never felt particularly keen on another, I had terrible PND. If you can afford it, and you want to, why not? But do you really want to be struggling with two early teens in your fifties? One is bad enough IMO...

I wouldn't if your DH isn't keen. Logistically, can you afford it?

VelvetSpoon · 22/01/2013 23:35

i'll be 41 in May. I have 2 DC aged 14 and 11 but always wanted a 3rd child.

However after 2 accidental pregnancies, the first where I wasn't even really 'with' with the father, and the second with someone I had only been dating a matter of weeks (which then turned into a nightmare 7 years of verbal emotional and physical abuse) I decided years ago that I wouldn't have another unless I was in a happy relationship. And I have been single not for the want of trying for 5 years. So I really dont think it will happen for me. Not the end of the world, but a bit of a shame...

fourfingerkitkat · 22/01/2013 23:35

MrsDeVere Just read your earlier post and apologise if my comment about "associated risks" pissed you off. I was being lazy and should have explained that by that I was meaning miscarriage and Downs Syndrome (which I understand is more common among older mothers, at least this is what I was told when pregnant with DD).

It would be tough, I can only imagine how tough it would be, but I can think of far many things tougher than having a Downs Syndrome child. Unfortunately my OH does not feel the same and this is one of the reasons why he would not want another child. He has said that having had 2 healthy babies he would not want to take the risk.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/01/2013 23:37

What about those of us who were out of touch with the kidz when we were kidz? Even if I'd had mine before I was 20 I still would have been buggered :o

fourfingerkitkat · 22/01/2013 23:40

Gwendoline Yes !!! that was me. I was a complete anorak at school....so eggsy would probably say I'm fucked !!!

MrsDeVere · 22/01/2013 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2013 23:46

Applauds MrsDeVere.

Busyoldfool · 22/01/2013 23:49

In suppoort of Eggsy who has been given a hard time here; she is just saying what she thinks - she is entitled to that and she hasn't been offensive. I probably thought that when I was in my twenties. I had my DCs at 38 and 43 and I was full of energy and fit and "in touch with the world". I am the first to admit that it is harder now. I am in my 50's and have health problems and yes, less energy. And my son does get teased about his old mum and dad, (even older than me), I'm afraid so what she said isn't entirely baseless but it certaoinly doesn't apply accross the board.

fourfingerkitkat · 22/01/2013 23:49

MrsDeVere understand completey where you are coming from here but do you honestly think that having a first child at 60 (think someone used this as an example earlier on) is a responsible thing to do ?

williaminajetfighter · 23/01/2013 00:01

Go for it OP. I had my first at 36 and now trying for a second at 43. And I don't feel that old.

As for risks, the big risk/complication you're likely to face is just a higher chance of miscarriage due to the age of your eggs, but such is life.

The joys of having a child far outstrip the work and I don't think it's something you'd ever regret. As you already have 3 kids I figure you have quite a bit of energy and one more should be a doodle.

Can I say that having a teenager at 60 will not be a big deal in future when we are all living into our 90s...

Annakin31 · 23/01/2013 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 · 23/01/2013 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orlakielylover · 23/01/2013 00:30

don't so much need one Biscuit as the whole packet.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2013 08:52

'MrsDeVere understand completey where you are coming from here but do you honestly think that having a first child at 60 (think someone used this as an example earlier on) is a responsible thing to do ?'

That person is post-menopausal. That's an entirely different ballgame from what is being discussed here.