to be fed up with DSS2 staring at DD when she's sleeping on my exposed boob?

[Enfyshedd]

DSS2 is 6, DD is 8mo.

I'll admit that DSS2 has been irritating me a bit recently (like constantly losing his school shoes in his room by chucking his comics, toys & dirty laundry on top of them and when he nearly brained DD yesterday with a wooden shape sorter toy when he lost his grip when swinging it around ), but kneeling up on a chair to stare at a sleeping, BFing DD is really bugging me right now.

Anyone have any ideas on how to get him to stop looking?

[cory]

I somehow missed that your dd is already 8 months and got the impression you were still in the early days of baby blues.

This makes it even more urgent that you should have a plan for sorting things out/getting treatment, as this means a long time has passed during which your dss has felt unwanted and short of attention every day.

Also a long time during which you have felt anxious and unhappy which is not good for you.

Agree with valium that your very strong reactions about near accidents do suggest unusually high levels of anxiety. I would go and see your HV/GP about PND. You may also need counselling about your traumatic birth experience.

You need to do this now, partly for your dss' sake and your own, but also for your dd's sake. Soon she will be becoming mobile, she will putting herself into a hundred scary situations every day because that is what babies need to do to develop, and you need the stamina to cope with it.

You also need to think about how your dh contributes to the family.

[valiumredhead]

Instead of 'staring' he might well just be wistfully wishing it was him getting all the attention. Poor little thing sounds as though he has had a really rough time.

[MrsMelons]

I think you are being unfair about him staring when you are feeding as most parents do not get 'privacy' from 6 year old DCs. If at all possible just try to ignore him if he is looking, he's likely to just get bored but if he has questions then continue to answer them.

I can absolutely understand how you feel though, I have a 6 year old DS and he is trying my patience to its limits with back chat and attitude and he is my own child, I am not sure how I would feel if he wasn't, probably fairly irritated. I love DS unconditionally of course but that is not necessarily the case with step children and that is not entirely wrong to feel that way.

He is only 6 so it really doesn't sound as if he is doing all that much wrong and you have been through a lot but it really is you not him with the issues.

I had a very traumatic birth with DS1 and he was in intensive care also, it is so hard to cope as your emotions are hard to control aren't they and it seems that moods/tears are completely involuntary.

Keep speaking to your DH and maybe try to have some time out with DD (or alone) at weekends if you feel it is getting too much. Mums do need a break too sometimes!

[cory]

More thoughts: have you had a debrief about the birth? It's the sort of thing the hospital might be able to organise. It may be that you aren't able to let it go until you have been through it thoroughly with a professional.

[McNewPants2013]

Can I ask why does it make you uncomfortable.

I echo what other said, get down the doctors because from experience I would say you are showing signs of PND.

[cory]

Also, how is your dh doing? And how did he cope with his PTSD- did he try to get treatment or did he just skive off and let you deal with everything though by the sounds of it you were just as traumatised as he was? Once you get your immediate problems sorted, you may even want to look at family therapy.

[Tryharder]

It was supposed to be harsh, Boob, but ok, I had 3 hours of sleep last night so not at my most tolerant. So apologies OP if this is all for real.

But come on, you know you are being unreasonable, why even ask? I am sorry for a little boy that can't even look at his sister without being resented. The OP should love and care this little boy like he's biologically hers.

[CaptainVonTrapp]

OP. There is general agreement that you're BU.

Why not post a thread in parenting which I think would be more suitable and you'll probably find people in similar situations and generally more sympathetic.

I know theres been lots of good advice here about speaking to GP or someone but there have been some mean comments (as always on AIBU) which are really unhelpful for you. I hate to think you would ignore this thread and the good suggestions on it(when you are actually struggling) because of a handful of unkind ones.

[milf90]

This thread is horrible. Full of horrible judgemental self rightous people. Op is struggling, maybe instead of making her feel worse, you should step back and look at the whole scenario and maybe suggest some useful advice?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time op, I agree gp/hv sounds like the best option. I also think going back to work might actually help. Some time to yourself away from the kids might give u a new lease of life!

[DoctorAnge]

Some posts here are way OTT. The OP may not be handling things too well but she has every right not to be stared at while she feeds if it makes her feel Uncomfortable. The posts about exhibitionism and " she doesn't deserve children" are personal attacks and vile.
OP I hope you are ok. You sound overwhelmed and depressed...

[PatriciaHolm]

Enfy, I think you'd be better off with a thread in parenthood. I think you all need some external support; have you tried proactively telling your HV/GP how you feel? Life seems like it's dealt you a bad hand this last year or so, so I really think accessing some external help for you all would be helpful.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Poor little boy.

Your dislike is apparent on this thread, god knows what you are like around him.

He sees his real mum twice a week....and you think that's good then do you?

Poor kid, I feel so :( for him

[EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy]

OP, it sounds as if you may be traumatised from the birth and possibly struggling with PND. But you do sound very detached and your posts are quite frighteningly cold towards your little dss, and I feel terribly, terribly sad for him - and until you posted more information about your situation, I felt searingly angry with you. I want to tell you that not as judgement but to help you understand the gravity of this situation. I hope this thread is a wake-up call to you. You must get some help for yourself and possibly your dp too, and one of your priorities must be this little boy (not forgetting his big brother) as well as your bio child.

Good luck.

[KateSMumsnet]

Morning everyone,

Thanks to those who brought this thread to our attention. We'd like to remind you all of our talk guidelines, and that the aim of Mumsnet is to make parents' lives easier. So please make sure your posts are constructive, and not personal attacks.

[Allaquandry]

When DB's second wife had a baby, suddenly her attitude to her SD and SS changed. SD was 5 at the time and was shouted out for 'pestering' the mum because she wanted to (a) help change a nappy, (b) help make up a milk bottle. Then DB's wife started asking for more 'space' for the three of them, without the other two children being there 'every bloody weekend'. After a year of trying to reconcile everything, my DB moved out. He was heartbroken, torn between leaving the baby he loved and adored, and protecting the daughter he equally loved and adored. The exW of course now sees that she was reacting illogically, but couldn't see it clearly at the time. Too late for them to be reconciled of course.

OP the way you are posting doesn't sound right. Please heed everyone's advice and speak to your GP. Your family needs good support and if that means you need some help from your GP, then so be it. I was detached from my own DD for a long time because we nearly lost her as a newborn and i kept thinking she might die, so I know how it feels, but is not right for your DSS to feel the effects.

[spanky2]

Ds1 was more3 when ds2 was born . we found him pushing a cushion over ds2 's face when he was a newborn . He really didn't know what the consequence of that would be rather than being the spawn of the devil. dss may have dyspraxia. THis behavior seems normal to me. He needs love and support actually. It's normal for boys to be curious about parts they don't have. You are the adult take ownership of your feeling s and cover your boob .

[PessaryPam]

Yes to milf90 Tue 22-Jan-13 10:21:42 This thread is horrible. Full of horrible judgemental self rightous people. Op is struggling, maybe instead of making her feel worse, you should step back and look at the whole scenario and maybe suggest some useful advice? I think that Enfy need to see her doctor and talk to her HV. She sounds like she has some form of PND (which can manifest in many ways) and she needs support.

Enfy, I know you feel overwhelmed by it all at the moment but it will get better, really. You need to talk to someone and get some support. Have you got any family who could step in and help?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Enfy you mentioned you are returning to work very soon which may bring about more pressure in a different way. So please look after yourself and if things get too much, don't hesitate to have a word with your GP.

I didn't have a high needs baby or a stepson but although I know squat about what the past 8 months have been like for you, starting this thread was a good move. Looking past the sharp pointy stick approaches there has also been a lot of good advice.

[ZipItShrimpy]

I don't think AIBU was really the best place for the OP to start this discussion.

Maybe if she had put it in parenting or behaviour/ development she would have got a totally different response.

I think that posters are just very upset that although the OP may be having a hard time, none of it is the fault of the step son. As the adult, she needs to seek help from either her partner or other support to make sure the SS isn't affected.

Hope you do seek help, Enfy.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

TBF, I and lots of other posters on this thread posted way before the Op started drip feeding (for want of a better word) all her other issues.

[PureQuintessence]

My youngest son is now 7. He adores babies. He loves looking at them, and cuddling them, and has been wanting a baby sister or brother for the last 4-5 years in fact! (not going to happen)

As many small boys, he has a fascination with mummys boobs. Not in a sexual way of course, he is just a little boy! In a nice and cuddly and comforting sort of way. I think boobs reminds him of cuddles and closeness and breastfeeding. And when he snuggles himself right into my bosom, I interpret this as him wanting to be extra close, babied, if you like.

I am wondering if you dss when he is looking at you feeding your dd is thinking back and wondering if he was breastfed? If he was also enjoying this closeness with his mum?

I think you need to be very careful with your feeling of being fed up with him, and this goes for his dad also, you might be weirded out, but he may be longing for closeness and the same love he sees bestowed upon your dd.

[gotthemoononastick]

Op,motherhood is hard and you are in that brainfog at the moment.You did choose to be in this situation,though.Seek help..the little boy's story could become what Brothers Grimm fed us all on.

[crashdoll]

I know OP had a hard time but her first post did come across very badly. The reason why people hate drip feeding is because of situations like this! The OP would have had a much easier time if she'd told the whole story at the start.

Anyway, Enfy perhaps post in parenting and see if you can get some different advice. All the best!

[AnyFucker]

After a rough start, the OP has had good advice on this thread.

A website cannot solve these problems. Professional assistance is required.

[exoticfruits]

I thought he was going to be a teenager-not a very young child-why not just give him a cuddle and read him a story while you are feeding his sister?