Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To still be upset over this - Breastfeeding

37 replies

Losingexcessweight · 21/01/2013 15:06

DD is 14 weeks old.

When i was pregnant, i was very sure i didnt want to breastfeed, didnt feel i wanted to do it etc.

DD was born by EMCS. After i had been stitched up, DH had already given dd a bottle and she was already dressed. Feel bitter that i never got to do that etc.

If dd was born naturally i would of attempted to breastfeed, i know i would, as my feelings changed about breastfeeding when i had her.

My boobs never leaked during pregnancy or afterwards, and werent hard or felt full etc so i dont know if my body had actually produced milk.

The fact is even though dh had given her a bottle, i never tried to breastfeed afterwards.

I really regret this and wish i had breastfed her. I know its far too late now.

But i cant help feeling guilty.

Has anyone else ever regretted breastfeeding?

Someone please shake me out of this!

OP posts:

BinkyWinky · 21/01/2013 15:11

There is always something that we wish we'd have done with our babies when they were younger. You have to let it go. You've not done her any harm.

Arthurfowlersallotment · 21/01/2013 15:14

I don't think an EMCS will prevent breastfeeding as I did without too many problems. What happened after the birth? Did your DH not bring your baby to you?

Regardless I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by tormenting yourself with these thoughts. You sound like a good mother and you care which is going to only benefit your child. Formula feeding is perfectly fine and about half the mums I know chose that option.

Is it possible you are depressed?

Cat98 · 21/01/2013 15:15

I know you said it's far too late but actually it's not - it may be possible with hard work to relactate, people have done it.
I understand if you don't want to do this - just saying :) please talk to a bfc or post on the feeding board for more info about this.

As for the rest of your post - I completely understand and have similar regrets (not related to breastfeeding, but I di understand where you are coming from).
Big (un-mumsnetty) hugs to you, please try not to feel guilty we can only do what we think best at the time with the info we have at the time.

HopAndSkip · 21/01/2013 15:16

I understand exactly how you feel about not doing the first feed/dressing etc. My DD was premature, and so I didn't get to hold her for the first 24 hours, someone else dressed her first, tube fed her first, held her first, changed her nappy first so on. Someone else even did her first bath while I watched as she had too many wires.

but the thing is, while it got me very down at the time, DD won't remember any of this. Look at it like with cuddles, a babies first cuddle with mum is 100x more special than her first cuddle with someone else, whichever happens first.

And about breastfeeding, don't feel down, a lot of women start feeding, then find they hit problems/don't enjoy it/don't find it practical, so even if you had started, you may not have continued. You have your gorgeous baby, a small thing like breastfeeding isn't going to change anything in the big scale. Once she's a toddler you wont give what way you fed her a second thought

Cat98 · 21/01/2013 15:17

And ff is perfectly fine, of course it is. Yes bf is "better" but at the time perhaps you would have found it too much with everything else you had to cope with. Please don't worry x

valiumredhead · 21/01/2013 15:17

Even if ss had been born naturally there are all sorts of degrees of 'natural' and you still might not have felt up to BF her.

I'm slightly confused that you say you DIDN'T want to BF anyway, so what has changed?

valiumredhead · 21/01/2013 15:17

ds not ss

BigPantyGirl · 21/01/2013 15:19

You feel exactly the same as I did, in fact still do, and my dc is 3 now! Same situation too.
Please don't feel guilty. I know breast feeding is the better option, however my ff dc has thrived. She is no sicker than her bf friends, no eczema/asthma etc. and nobody has asked me for over 2 years how dd was fed! If they did now I'd just laugh at them. It is a sensitive subject but try not to dwell on it, it's done, can't be changed, and actually doesn't really matter that much anyway - only people with too much time on their hands will think it does.

PicaK · 21/01/2013 15:19

Hiya. Yes i regret it in some ways - it's hard work and i think contributed to pnd.

But - i'd say you are mixing a few things up here. You suffered a big loss when you didn't get to spend the first few minutes of your daughter's life with her. You may find it really useful to get some kind of debrief on this. I had a crash cs under ga and got a lot out of looking at the birth notes and reading about what happened whilst i was out for the count.

Your boobs often don't kick into gear after a cs and it's really sustained sucking that starts the milk flowing. (I never had the hard boob thing). Even at 3 months you could have a go if it's really important to you - lots of info to google.

Like you i deeply suspected i wasn't going to bf for long and then somehow ended up doing 18 months.

You need to figure out how much the birth and separation is affecting you and how much is about bf. And fast - cos constantly feeling regrets isn't healthy. Easier said than done tho i know.

It won't affect how your baby feels about you and that's the most important thing. Once they start to talk they look at you as if you are quite mad when you suggest you didn't use a bottle and loudly correct you!

FariesDoExist · 21/01/2013 15:21

I have regrets, but the other way round:

I had a c-section and went on to breastfeed, however I found it very very hard going, I cried a lot, I kept going because I put pressure on myself to do it, I often had times where I wanted to use a bottle, but I battled on for 6 months. Now I look back and regret that I spent my DD's early months fretting and worrying and crying and feeling so much guilt every time I even thought of using the bottle. Yes my DD had "the best start" etc. etc. but I look back at the first few months and I don't have many happy memories.

Even though DD was a baby I sometimes wonder whether my DD picked up on my anxieties and my stress at that time. She is now 6yrs old by the way.

I think what I'm saying is, make sure you enjoy this precious time as much as possible.

fiverabbits · 21/01/2013 15:23

I only breastfeed my first DC for three weeks, had to give up for several reasons mainly because of no weight gain. I then breastfed my second DC until he was 2 because of allergies and he wouldn't drink anything out of a bottle or cup and yes I tried for a whole year ! BUT I do not regret giving my DD a bottle because she needed to gain weight, you will find that parenting is hard even when they older and mine are 33 and 32. Do not regret anything you do with your DD to keep her healthy and happy, have a cuddle with her any enjoy it.

Original poster

Losingexcessweight · 21/01/2013 15:51

What changed my mind?

I really dont know! Never thought it would bother me when i was pregnant.

I give her a bottle and feel regret and guilt and really wish i was feeding her myself :-(

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 21/01/2013 15:53

I think a small amount of regret is normal, but if you are dwelling on this a lot then I think perhaps you should have a chat to the GP or Wife in case you are depressed? x

valiumredhead · 21/01/2013 15:53

Is it possible to get your milk going again? Have you tried?

Original poster

Losingexcessweight · 21/01/2013 15:55

I havent tried no, i wouldnt know how to get her to latch properly or anything

OP posts:

Thewhingingdefective · 21/01/2013 15:56

YANBU to be upset, but please try not to have regrets.

Thewhingingdefective · 21/01/2013 15:59

You can try to relactate, if you want to. It is entirely possible but will be hard work. By the way, leaky boobs in pregnancy are no indication of whether you can breastfeed or not. Putting your DD to the breast would have stimulated milk production.

valiumredhead · 21/01/2013 15:59

Have you a breast pump? Just put your nipple to her mouth and see what happens.

I have just had a brief google and it does seem it is possible. I would just have some skin to skin time and see what happens.

But really, it doesn't matter HOW your baby is fed, she is being fed by you just with formula instead, the same as millions of mothers do all around the world x

RedHelenB · 21/01/2013 16:01

I know plenty of people who FF baby no1 & bf subsequent babies so you may yet get a chance. Try ringing La Leche league for advice or talk to your health visitor to see if it would be possible to bf still.

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/01/2013 16:10

My Mum gave me a brillant piece of advice when DD was born.

It is a mother's lot to feel guilt and regret about the decisions we make. However, we must never ever use it to beat ourselves up.

If you want to give it a try you still can and there are lots of wonderful ladies here who will help and support you.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 21/01/2013 16:13

YANBU but honestly, if it wasn't breastfeeding there'd be something else about the birth/first few days/etc that you'd regret.

I regret having an epidural when I was so close to giving birth, which stopped my contractions and I ended up having a horrendously unnecessary long labour and a ventouse delivery. I brooded on that for a good few months.

My neighbour has just had an elective C section with her second child and is now deeply upset that she didn't try for a natural delivery and feels that she missed out on her only chance for this.

It is definitely worth a phonecall to your health visitor or La Leche for some advice. It might still be possible to bf.

VisualiseAHorse · 21/01/2013 16:19

You poor thing - there is nothing like the guilt of not breastfeeding your baby. Something inside just constantly gnaws at you, I know, I have been there!!

Yes, it may still be possible to BF - but BF is just one very small part of caring for your baby. I found that when I was struggling with BF, stripping my top off and bottle feeding baby in the bed (or the bath), and holding the bottle so the teat was close to my own nipple was a very good simulation of the real thing.

ICBINEG · 21/01/2013 16:21

Gosh I have dozens of regrets about the first 6 months of my DD's life and agree with everyone saying that you shouldn't let it get on top of you if possible.

If you are actually feeling an active urge to try BFing then give it a go. The worst that can happen is nothing.

If you regret not trying it but don't want to try now then don't of course....

valiumredhead · 21/01/2013 16:27

It is a mother's lot to feel guilt and regret about the decisions we make. However, we must never ever use it to beat ourselves up

I completely agree :)

lljkk · 21/01/2013 16:29

Us mothers just find things to feel guilty about. It's part of the motherhood package. I think that's your real problem. Nothing you did would have been good enough.

Must make your rational mind shake it off.

It's possible if you think long & hard enough you'll distill the guilt down to a single irrational belief or idea that you don't want to keep, and at that point you'll be able to shake it off.

Flip

1 2