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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not discipline my DD (2)?

38 replies

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 11:57

I'm really after hearing both sides of this argument. DD is just two and is my PFB so I have no experience on dealing with toddlers. I've been putting in some net-time trying to find advice on how to deal with her current behaviour. On other sites I've noticed a lot of people discipline their children at this age and even younger (things like naughty step etc). It seems way too young for me.

I'm not here to argue the merits or downfalls of methods of discipline but I have a feeling if I tried to do something like that to my 2 year old she just wouldn't understand what I was doing. She isn't really naughty, just cheeky and has started testing her boundaries. I'm trying my best to be consistent and not giving in to tantrums but I really don't see the need for "discipline" yet, as I don't feel like she is being deliberately naughty. She isn't violent, or nasty, she just sometimes wants things she can't have, or wants things RIGHT NOW and won't wait. Have I got it all wrong?

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FoxyRevenger · 21/01/2013 12:15

Well if you have, so have I! My DD is 2.8 and I mainly just use the good old 'well if you don't do X you can't have Y' or count to 3. She has been on the naughty step twice ever. I don't see the point in escalating things to that unless there's a consistent behaviour that needs addressed.

Otherwise it's just life dealing with a 2 year old I think. That said, I am sure things will change as she gets older but that seems to be enough for now.

PenelopePipPop · 21/01/2013 12:29

Nope you have not got things all wrong. But bear in mind your toddler has a different personality from other children, and your personality is different from that of other parents.

I'm very like you. But I only have one child, and she is generally pretty mellow. If had 3 under 5, needed to get places in a hurry and one or more was prone to epic tantrums or they tended to wind each other up I might be more directed in the way I handled their behaviour.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:33

Oh I know that PenelopePipPop. I am very laid back, and don't see the point in making a big issue out of things a lot of the time. That said, I'm not a walkover. I was just wondering if I was doing the ol' "making a rod for my own back" thing and would end up with a wayward 3 year old who never listened to me. She does have tantrums (they are starting to verge on epic, but they're not frequent), but only usually if she's hungry/tired/bored, which I guess is pretty normal. Mostly though, it seems to be down to frustration, and her way of dealing with it....I don't see how that should be disciplined.

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tiggytape · 21/01/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redskyatnight · 21/01/2013 12:35

Consistency and not giving into tantrums IS discipline.

You say she's testing boundaries. What would you do if she e.g deliberately threw her drink on the floor? Tell her not to and ask her to mop it up maybe? What if she did it again? And again?

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2013 12:36

If you are being consistent with boundaries and not giving in to tantrums then that is discipline. So at the moment you provide the boundaries, in time you hope your daughter will provide her own (self-discipline).

I assume from what you are saying you think she is too young to punish. That's fine, many parents don't choose to at this age or even later, as long as you are able to prevent her harming other children (if she is that way inclined).

FWIW I did use the naughty step from about 18mo but only for really antisocial activities like biting and hair-pulling (much more painful than it sounds). I don't know if they 'understood' as such but they did both make the association b/w the act and a period of removal from the activity.

perceptionreality · 21/01/2013 12:37

I'm not a fan of punishment either and I don't believe it really works.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:37

OK, maybe I am getting my words wrong then. I suppose when people say "you must discipline your child" you just think of punishment, but you are right, it is more than that.

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Tanith · 21/01/2013 12:37

But that is discipline!
It's called positive discipline and is right for this age.

I don't know why people get so hung up on the word. Discipline doesn't have to mean unpleasant sanction and punishment.

LadyInDisguise · 21/01/2013 12:39

Nope you are completely right and I actually have found that applying the same method as they grow older gives some very good results too.

HecateWhoopass · 21/01/2013 12:40

I agree with tiggy. As long as you are guiding her to appropriate behaviour and not letting her do whatever she wants on the grounds that she's 'too young to understand' (eg letting her wreck things, or hit other children, or throw things... without stopping her and telling her that we don't do those things) then you are disciplining her.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:40

redskyatnight - she's started saying "no" when I ask her or tell her to do something. And she cannot comprehend having to wait for things. That's about it at the moment. Most of the time if she does something she shouldn't and I tell her to stop, she does.

BarbarianMum - it's more that I feel, from how I can see her processing and understanding the world, that if I were to do something like "the naughty step" (just as an example) she wouldn't have a clue exactly what I was trying to do. Does that make sense? Her speaking vocab is good, but I don't think she'd understand what I was telling her to do with something like that.

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LadyInDisguise · 21/01/2013 12:41

Btw, I have used time out, removal of privileges, sticker charts etc... either and my 2 dcs (11 and 9yo) are perfectly behaved.

Sometimes punishment looks like the easy and lazy way to parent tbh.

LadyInDisguise · 21/01/2013 12:42

YY to the fact she wouldn't understand.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:43

HecateWhoopass and Tanith - you are right, I hadn't thought about it like that. It was just that from the research I've done the only time the word is used is in that context and I hadn't thought it through completely.

I don't just let her do whatever she wants. If she does something she shouldn't I'll tell her she shouldn't and explain why. She usually listens. She has never hit another child or been destructive.

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city1984 · 21/01/2013 12:47

I was told distraction best for 2 year olds.

SashaSashays · 21/01/2013 12:48

As others have said, you are using discipline. Also as others have said it depends on you and your child.

All children are different, even within the same family or in twins you can get extreme personality differences. I have 5dc, they've all required different treatment to achieve similar results. Lucky if you have a naturally relaxed and well behaved child. However at that age and even younger some children can be quite aggressive and almost spiteful just visit a soft play so you have to maybe go at things more forcefully.

Do what works for you.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:51

Thanks SashaSashays, I suppose I have been quite lucky with her. She's pretty mellow really. I have very little experience with children of this age, and don't really have many friends with children, so it's all new to me.

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bowerbird · 21/01/2013 12:53

Scarlet you sound like a lovely mum! As other posters have pointed out, discipline doesn't have to be punitive and nasty. But not giving in to tantrums, not letting her have everything she wants right now etc, is all part of it.

One thing I will say, though, is that it's very important that she understands and responds to your "authority" and knows when you're serious. You may need it one day when out and about and she decides to push the boundaries by running into the road

all the best and good luck!

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:53

Sorry redskyatnight I missed your other question - if she did that again and again I would probably think she was doing it for attention and would ignore it and try and distract her with something.

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Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 12:54

That is something I worry about bowerbird, It's why I don't tend to use my "authority voice" unless it's really needed. She does instantly stop if I raise my voice, so I hope that's enough. And thanks by the way, I try my best.

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CailinDana · 21/01/2013 13:03

I don't use any formal discipline methods with my DS (2). Luckily I don't really need to, he's pretty compliant most of the time. But I think part of that is because from day 1 I've been absolutely clear about what I expect and if I say no, it absolutely means no, no negotiation. Not that I'm massively strict or anything but he doesn't even bother tantrumming (though he does whinge in an annoyed fashion now and again) because he knows there's just no point. I do think a 2 year old is too young for time out (I wouldn't call it "naughty step" because I don't like the word "naughty") and that it'll just confuse them.

From my point of view, I think parents make a few basic mistakes with children of this age that lead to "bad" behaviour.
-Taking a child out to a stressful situation like a supermarket when they're tired/hungry/already strung out. Recipe for disaster and really not fair on the child who isn't really able to manage their feelings well enough to deal with that sort of situation
-Not being consistent. Sometimes saying yes, sometimes saying no, so the child gets upset on the occasions when he/she is told no (understandably).

-Negotiating with a child who can't handle it. A lot of the time a straightforward "no" is the best way to go. Negotiation, rather than giving the child a sense of choice or control, just stresses them out.
-Feeding the situation negative energy. Children that age forget things in a second, so IMO if there's a fraught situation it's best to just deal with it and move on at lightning speed. But some parents seem to drag a situation out and make a massive deal of it which just upsets the child and the whole thing deteriorates and gets out of hand.
-Too many rules. Most of what children do might be a bit messy or annoying but it's basically harmless and trying to be too controlling is a surefire way to escalate stress. Just let a child get on with it and focus on things like interacting with others (preventing fights and grabbing) and any dangerous situations. Expecting a child of that age to behave immaculately at all times is really making life hard for everyone - just accept they're young and not able to handle all situations, help them if needed but don't automatically get annoyed if they're not perfect.

BarbarianMum · 21/01/2013 13:11

ScarletLady02 I guess what I was trying to say, is that some behaviours - biting for instance - need to be stopped as quickly as possible, even if the understanding is not really there.

So with ds1 (also a very naturally obedient and well behaved child albeit one who bit) he quickly understood that attempting to chomp resulted in an immediate period (1 min) of isolation in the hall/in the buggy. He didn't like that, so quickly stopped (doesn't work for all). I didn't call it 'the naughty step' or warn him what would happen if he xyz - that he wouldn't have understood. But he 'got' the punishment long before he understood that biting hurt another child.

This sounds like I'm a big advocate of the naughty step - I'm not particularly - and it doesn't sound like you need it anyway. I'm just not a fan (huge understatement) of the sort of parenting were any behaviour in toddlers is tolerated on the basis that 'they're too young to understand'. Which wasn't what you were saying, I know.

Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 13:12

You speak a lot of sense CailinDana - I think I agree with pretty much everything you've stated. It's just hard to know what they can truly understand and what they can't isn't it?

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Original poster

ScarletLady02 · 21/01/2013 13:15

I get what you are saying BarbarianMum - If she did something like bite another child, I would deal with differently. I suppose I'm just lucky nothing like that has happened yet.

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