AIBU to not discipline my DD (2)?

[ScarletLady02]

I'm really after hearing both sides of this argument. DD is just two and is my PFB so I have no experience on dealing with toddlers. I've been putting in some net-time trying to find advice on how to deal with her current behaviour. On other sites I've noticed a lot of people discipline their children at this age and even younger (things like naughty step etc). It seems way too young for me.

I'm not here to argue the merits or downfalls of methods of discipline but I have a feeling if I tried to do something like that to my 2 year old she just wouldn't understand what I was doing. She isn't really naughty, just cheeky and has started testing her boundaries. I'm trying my best to be consistent and not giving in to tantrums but I really don't see the need for "discipline" yet, as I don't feel like she is being deliberately naughty. She isn't violent, or nasty, she just sometimes wants things she can't have, or wants things RIGHT NOW and won't wait. Have I got it all wrong?

Cailin that's a brilliant post.

OP, the waiting thing is really, really hard for small children. Waiting for 2 seconds feels like forever. Sometimes it's easier to say 'no' and then present it as a 'new thing' rather than making them wait. Eg

'I want x' and you can't do it
easier to say, 'not just now, have y or z'.
And then later 'right, Mummy is ready now. Do you want to do x?'

Rather than
'I want x'
'OK wait a minute'
'I want X'
'Yep, just a sec, I'm just '
'But I waaaant X'

If it goes that way it can also seem that you're rewarding the escalation IYSWIM, so the next time she might think 'if I go straight in at But I waaanat X' I'll get what I want faster.

Thank-you WilsonFrickett you've completely hit the nail on the head. The second scenario is completely usual and I was worried that she would be thinking that by having a tantrum she will get her own way. I usually take the line that if she does have a silly meltdown then I will ignore it and distract her, and then return to the other thing once she's calmed down.

I feel like hitting DH round the head with a fish sometimes as he's much softer than me, and I don't want her playing us off against each other. I know he gets this from over-compensating for his own up-bringing...his Dad was an arsehole.

Ach, to be honest that side of it doesn't worry me. It's good for children to learn different strokes for different folks. As long as you agree on the big things (like ponies for Christmas) and back each other up (he doesn't say 'yes' if you say 'no' first) then a wee bit of diversity is a good thing.

Thanks :)

Just to add, I agree with Barbarian about things like biting. IMO hurting another child deliberately in any way needs to be dealt with like a tonne of bricks - no shouting or getting cross, but removing the child from the situation is an absolute must. It mightily pisses me off when a parent watches their little darling pushing/pulling hair/biting etc and just smiles indulgently and makes out it's "normal" or deals with it really feebly "Oh don't do that Johnny." The problem with violent behaviour is that it gets a strong reaction from the other child, so the violent child learns pretty fast that it's a good way to get what they want. Unless the parent steps in every single time it's really easy for that behaviour to become a real problem.

I had to end a friendship with someone because she persistently did nothing when her 3 year old daughter hurt my 18 month old son. I just couldn't put up with it.

My biggest tip. Pick you battles.

Ignore things that you personally think irritating and discipline for acting out or downright naughtiness.

I don't think you need to sit a 2 year old on the naughty step but I do believe they need to know tantruming is not acceptable and there are far better ways to get what you want. Often it just comes down to getting down to their level and speaking in a clear calm authoratative voice explains why such and such is not going to happen or why they cannot have what they want at that exact moment

I have a 21 month old and it hasn't even crossed my mind to have consequences for 'bad behaviour'. She is pretty mellow but even if she has a tantrum she forgets about it within a minute. I have a 5 year old boy too and if she hurts him (which is rare) I tell her it makes him sad. I have done this since she was able to understand sad and happy and it works. My DP and I try to not say, 'no' to her aswell because it is quite a negative reaction to activity that toddlers see as exploration and discovery. We will say, 'stop' and show and say why, like running towards a road. We also say 'danger' which she understands well but she has a good understanding of what we are telling her.

I think where you're sure the toddler in question wouldn't 'get' naughty steps etc, then there's absolutely no point. We use distraction a lot of the time, and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've had to sit DD (3.4) and have a serious talk with her about her behaviour. She has tantrums sure, but unless she's endangering herself or others, or being destructive, I just let her get on with them. Or join in. DD operates around a year below her actual age though in terms of language and social development. Handily, she's small, so I don't get too much 'helpful' advice from people when she's being a pain out and about.

I agree with CailinDana, two year olds are much better able to understand what is expected of them than they are a strict punishment regime. It's consistency thats the key and also, I second what's been said about looking at the circumstances in which so-called "bad" behaviour has occurred. If you are a tired and hungry two year old, you wont necessarily respond well to being taken out for a lengthy shop in the supermarket.

I also believe in creating, whenever possible, positive energy and would say that the very worst behaved children I know are not without punishment. Instead, their lives seem to be one long threat of punishment - many of which are completely impractical or genuinely beyond the comprehension of the child. The negativity merely breeds negativity. It doesn't improve behaviour.

My former ILS were great ones for "rods for your own back". But then they thought that even allowing a child to choose where they sat when out for tea came dangerously close to permitting complete anarchy. In their view, it was character forming to say "no" to your child as often as possible. In my view, that sort of negativity did nothing to encourage good behaviour.

Discipline doesn't have to mean the sort of punishment that the Victorians meted out and from what you say, OP, you are disciplining your dd but in a way that's appropriate for her age and her particular character. Because of course, every child is different and what works for one 2-year old may not work for another.

The word discipline actually means to teach, not to punish.
I agree with you re not using strategies such as naughty steps.

Thanks so much for all your replies and advice. I've had a chat with DH today about this and shown him this thread. He admits he does give in to her a bit easily and he has sometimes caved after I've said "no" about something. We've agreed to back each other up more and he's agreed to be more consistent.

It's really appreciated x (I know kisses aren't approved of in AIBU....but have one anyway you lovely people )

what you are doing is discipline though not giving into tantrums and being consistant it is all discipline , when mine were that age before the naughty step was invented I did used to put them on a seat to calm down or I counted to 3 and If they didnt to x they wouldnt get Y, everybody is different and you are doing nothing wrong

e've agreed to back each other up more and he's agreed to be more consistent.

you really need to or she willl start playing you off against each other, even if 1 parent doesn't agree with something it is important to show a united front

That's great Scarlet. A child playing off one parent against another can be a huge source of angst, so it's good to nip it in the bud early. You're both going to have your own ways of doing things, and that's fine, but one parent overriding another (unless there's an issue with a parent being unreasonable, or not knowing all the facts) is never good.