to ask you what you consider 'essentials'

[limon]

As long as you aren't really struggling financially, do you consider toileteries and hair cuts and clothes you don't actually need as 'essentials' that should come out of the family 'pot'.

MrsKeithRichards haircuts aren't essentials just because you hate long "unkempt" hair

limon The what are essentials etc. or fairness is a red herring I think, you clearly have different ideas about money and that needs to be resolved. You'll resolve that through discussion with DH, there is no fairness, just what you both feel reasonable, DH presumably thinks your saving level is unnecessary, you think his spending level similarly. When you have the spare cash, both are reasonable in isolation, but not if you disagree.

I'm a bit confused now.

He doesn't want to change anything, but you worry that you are being unfair?

Could you spend £1000 on a new 'toy' if you wanted to?

If your appearance is an important part of doing your job the way your employer expects and ensuring your future job security then the moisturiser-make-up-hair-cuts-highlights-office-clothes count as essentials, absolutely yes.

I haven't had my hair cut by anyone but DH (badly no doubt) in 10 years. As soon as I get an interview I'm going to get a proper cut. I will doubtless hate it as much as I've disliked almost every hair cut I ever paid for, but it will be expected so I have to suck it up. If I actually get a job I'll have to go clothes shopping, too (blech).

We've finally had a comversation about it :)

He now understands where the money goes.

And doesn't want to have an all in pot as that would mean he couldn't spend his disposable so freely, he says.

But he now understands the family budget and what we can and can't do.

Understandably he struggles with not earning a decent wage and what he perceives as "living off" me. I don't see it as that but he does. I see it all as "ours" bit what's important is reaching agreement on what's important.

Beanjuice nothing chills my spine more than they fucking mumsnet hair cut, people cutting their own hair. It does always, without a doubt, look shit, people are just to polite to tell you!

Not looking like a tramp is essential therefore haircuts (I'm talking trims by someone who actually knows what to do. Not tipping your head upside down and attacking it with your kitchen scissors) are essential.

So - do you have as much 'disposable' as he does?

Why not put it all 'in one pot' then have an equal amount transferred to 'personal' accounts for 'disposable' spends - or does he like his disposable income to be 'secret'?

Gee - MrsKR - if nothing chills your spine like and MN haircut you live a very sheltered life. Try reading the Relationships board if you need a wider outlook on life.

Gee chipping, no thanks. I'm sure you fully understood my turn of phrase, if not well, I'd worry.

MrsKeithRichards letting your hair grow a bit is really NOT that bad, and I don't know what this mumsnet haircut thing is, but it's incredibly easier to trim your split ends or get someone to help you do it.

Looking like a tramp indeed

*easy

Mrskeithrichards am not sure how rock and roll it is to need a cut and blow dry every month.

Toiletries are essential. New clothes for growing children are essential - but rarely for adults. I bet most of us don't actually need new clothes.

Haircuts - depends. We're struggling financially atm and I haven't had my hair cut or coloured since September (as was getting married). I would really like to get it done again, but can't really justify the expense right now. But as I'm a sahm, I can get away with just tying it up, it doesn't really matter that it's getting a bit straggly and I have roots like motorways.

If I was working though, I think it would be more of a necessity to have had it done by now in order to look presentable.

MrsK I think you need a reality check, tbh.

Who said anything about a cut and blow dry monthly? I said at the start that my bare minimum in hair maintenance would be a trim every 12 weeks. That's essential basic grooming to stop you looking like a tramp with unkempt, scraggly hair. Bit like trimming your nails. And seeing as hairdressing is quite a skill, best leave it to the pros, home haircuts are shit. You don't need to book into tony and guy for 3 hours every month, just go see someone with a decent pair of scissors and some training.

Your hair will thank you, I promise!

I think he's taking the piss.

"bare minimum in hair maintenance would be a trim every 12 weeks. That's essential basic grooming to stop you looking like a tramp with unkempt, scraggly hair"

Wow, really? Perhaps you have particularly unkempt, sgraggly hair. I have mine cut about once every six months ish - I often leave it longer.

You missed out the my in that quote.

My hair is styled, I like to keep it that way. It's also long. Long hair == never needing cut!

What about putting all income from both of you into the family pot and setting aside the same amount each for your personal stuff?

So if he has a thousand - you do too. If he wants to spend his on some hobby and you want to spend yours on clothes and shoes and hair then fair enough.

But I tell you what's NOT fair - him spending money on himself and you spending money on the family.

That's called Taking The Piss.

I have my hair cut professionally about every five years.
It is up and smart for work. Most people do not know how long it is.

Ladies haircuts are a LUXURY
ALL hair colouring and perming is a LUXURY
all clothes over and above 2 sets school, 1 set warm, 1 set smart, 1 set cool are a LUXURY
Shoes above wellies / school / trainers are a LUXURY
restaurant meals / takeaways / eating out = LUXURY
pay tv = LUXURY

people in this country utterly forget how little one needs to survive.
Learn to be happy in your skin (as my BiL so rightly nagged me today)

extra clothes or not an essential buying an outfit because you like it is a want not a need so isn't an essential imo,

Well if Im not struggling financially then i dont need to consider if anything is essential. I suppose nice but not essential items would probably be things like decent shampoo,nice juice, decent food instead of whats reduced. Probably make up too. Actually make up even if i am broke i would rather not eat than go without. Decent moisturizer too. My hair highlighted. So nice but not essential.

If i am struggling though

Hair cuts are not essential. God no never. Ive done it myself plenty of times when i was too poor to afford to have it cut. So just toothpaste, shower gel/soap and some kind of shampoo. Moisturizer and eczema cream too i guess at least for me as its a health reason. Basic but healthy is food. The electric bill and the water bill.

But I tell you what's NOT fair - him spending money on himself and you spending money on the family.

^^this

I bet he bloody doesn't want to contribute to the pot if it means he spends less on himself! I earn more than DH, we decided a long time ago that we would both put into the family pot in proportion to our net take home pay. We then use whatever we have left to pay for what we individually want. So if your DH earns 40% of your joint net income, his contribution to joint/family costs is 40%. easy

I would class haircuts as essential, but going to the priciest salon as a luxury