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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it would not of hurt to let me know they were coming.

46 replies

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/01/2013 20:02

Bit of a back story, relocated 10 months ago 150 miles from my home.

Always had issues with my brother and sister growing up, even though I was the youngest I was the first to move out, get married have kids etc etc, they have always been a bit weird with me and take every opportunity to make sly digs and put me down and belittle me.

About 3 months ago the doorbell went I opened the door and there was my sister, no warning, just turned up to see me, obviously with such a long drive they (her dh and dn) turned up with an overnight bag. I do have a spare room but it also doubles as a junk room, it took an hour to get it sorted for her to stay all the while digs saying it should always be ready, I said had I known she was coming then I would of had it all ready etc, she then moaned about having a take away (I was due to go shopping the next day). Also moaning lunch plates were still on the table. etc etc

I chatted to db about it saying it was lovely to see ds but I would of preferred a call so I could of prepared for the visit.

Today I went for a walk with the kids to the park to make a snowman, when I got back DB was waiting in the drive, I had no idea he was coming, he is staying at a hotel, but said he is staying till Thursday !! The snow is quite bad and a lot of places will be shut so have no idea how I will entertain them.

We have/had plans for the week and now things are going to have to be changed / re arranged. I so wish I could say "sorry did not know you were coming and has made plans, so can not see you all the time"

Part of me thinks I should be grateful for them travelling up in the snow to visit, but would it of hurt to let me know they were coming.

They were here for a few hours and and I lost count of the digs, negative comments, I have got so much more of my self confidence back since I love away, don't need to be made to feel like crap for a week.

So AIBU to of expected a call to let me know they were coming.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 19/01/2013 20:07

YANBU.

Why can't you say "sorry did not know you were coming and has made plans, so can not see you all the time"? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/01/2013 20:08

They sound delightful Hmm your only mistake OP was giving them your new address, yanbu.

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 19/01/2013 20:09

YANBU It doesn't take a lot of effort to pick up the phone, send a text or send an email... Or to wait for a response

NickNacks · 19/01/2013 20:09

*have

And YANBU! I hate people who drop in unannounced. :)

DawnOfTheDee · 19/01/2013 20:10

Tell them you're moving again and give them a false address even further from where they live. Abroad if possible.

MummytoKatie · 19/01/2013 20:12

That's just weird I both cases. What if you'd gone away for the weekend? How long exactly would they have waited?

Decide what plan is most important to you and don't rearrange it. They are the ones being rude by turning up unexpectedly.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears · 19/01/2013 20:12

YANBU, but you can just say you're busy. I know they're family but it's ok to not like them much or to do what they want you to .

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 19/01/2013 20:13

they are unreasonable. carry on with your plans and fit your brother in where you can.

SparkleSoiree · 19/01/2013 20:13

YANBU. I too would explain that plans have been made so you won't be able to spend all the time with them whilst they are with you.

TotallyEggFlipped · 19/01/2013 20:13

YANBU.

Don't change any of your plans. If you're busy, then tough. They should let you know they're coming, and ASK before they turn up expecting to stay.

lippi · 19/01/2013 20:14

Nope, ynbu, I love when people call here unannounced but jasis, if they thought they were staying the night or for a few days they would be given numbers for local B&B's and hotels very quickly.
Ya drop in unannounced for half an hour not for enterainment because ya have nothing better to do.
Tell your brother it was great to see him and ya will meet him again before he leaves but ya have a life and your not changing it for him seeing as he did'nt have the manners to consult you in his plans for you.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 19/01/2013 20:15

What dawnofthedee said. Why can't you say that?

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 20:16

Of course they should have let you know they were coming, what it says when they don't is that you don't have a choice in whether they come over or not, they'll decide when they stop in your house, when you'll entertain them, and they'll go when they like.

You wish you could say that to them, what is it that stops you? Does the way they talk to you scare you into submission and obedience? That if you don't they'll think badly of you and say even worse things?

So. Fucking What??

Why do you give a monkeys bollocks what these arsewipes think or say about you? You don't like them! They make you feel like shit!

Tell them (nicely if you've got more about you than I have) exactly what you think of them and leave how they react up to them, I suspect they'll tantrum and hopefully stay away Smile

You're worth more than this.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2013 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/01/2013 20:24

Thanks for replies. Nice to know ianbu

Its a shame as dh has managed to get 3 days off work, (which for him is rare) and we had plans to do some bits.

I guess I will stick to the important things plans and rearrange the others.

I did say you should of let me know, and he said he wanted to surprise me !!! Catch me before I could put the hoover round etc

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 19/01/2013 20:26

Dont change your plans for them! No need to when you did not know they were coming!

KhallDrogo · 19/01/2013 20:26

It sounds like some miscommunication/confusion to me....people don't drive 150 on the off chance you might be in. Like someone else said, you could have been away from home. I think DB thinks DSis talked to you about it and vice-versa

Why don't you ask them?

TheSecretCervixDNCOP · 19/01/2013 20:32

Do not change a single plan, make them feel as unwelcome as possible. It is outrageous that members of your family feel it is acceptable to descend on you in this manner.

As for the comments, throw a few back at them!

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/01/2013 20:33

Nope I have never told them not to come, when I moved I said I would love them to come up and visit.

DS & DB are twins and have always been close, and growing up they ganged up on me and I guess its continued through to adulthood their ability to make me feel worthless, I believed this for many years growing up, but slowing through meeting my dh and having kids I no longer feel like this, until they are around.

I am sure DB probably turned up as he knew it caught me on the hop just like ds did.

I know I should not care what they think, but around them I feel like a 10 year old girl again being told i'm worthless. DB's fave was some girls look a million dollars, you are not worth even 2p

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 19/01/2013 20:37

they sound vile

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/01/2013 20:37

I have thrown a few comments back, when db said the house is smaller than he thought, I said well I love it and we own it outright. I know this bugs him as he has a failed marriage behind him, then got another mortgage and borrowed more, so the mortgage is 20k more than the house is now worth.

I normally tell mum when we are going away.

Apparently they were waiting in the drive for almost 2 hours waiting for us. I said if I had known you were coming I would of been inside waiting for you.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 19/01/2013 20:37

if you are convinced their only motivation in coming down is to catch you out so they have ammunition to insult you, then don't hesitate, tell them to bugger off

Original poster
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/01/2013 20:41

They have their moments, they usually give something with one hand and take with the other, so when I speak to mum she sings their praises.

I have just text and asked that they come for the afternoon now as we have plans in the morning. Sure he won't be happy but tough, thanks guys :)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 20:44

Of course you should try your hardest not to let what happened to you as a child affect the way you are now, and all of you are adults now, but you're left with the feeling that they treat you in the same way as they did when you were younger and powerless.

But because you're an adult, you can choose not to spend time with them, you're not forced to just because they've been cheeky fucks and turned up on your doorstep unannounced (and your sister having the gall to criticise your house is just staggering).

Where are your parents in all this? Are you worried about fallout on that front if you tell them where to get off? I'm just wondering what power they have over you that forces you to endure them? Usually it's that they'll go running to their mum and she'll exert pressure to obey, that makes some people think twice.

DontmindifIdo · 19/01/2013 20:45

Tell him you have plans for the next few days, say you can't entertain him. They will learn the hard way. Keep saying you would of course made more effort if he had warned you he was visiting... I'm sure he can cope without you.

I'd also, next week, e-mail them both saying "hi, just wanted to say, DH and I have a few friends coming to stay over the next few weeks, so if you want to visit, can you call first to check we aren't already busy with other guests."

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