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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it would not of hurt to let me know they were coming.

46 replies

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/01/2013 20:02

Bit of a back story, relocated 10 months ago 150 miles from my home.

Always had issues with my brother and sister growing up, even though I was the youngest I was the first to move out, get married have kids etc etc, they have always been a bit weird with me and take every opportunity to make sly digs and put me down and belittle me.

About 3 months ago the doorbell went I opened the door and there was my sister, no warning, just turned up to see me, obviously with such a long drive they (her dh and dn) turned up with an overnight bag. I do have a spare room but it also doubles as a junk room, it took an hour to get it sorted for her to stay all the while digs saying it should always be ready, I said had I known she was coming then I would of had it all ready etc, she then moaned about having a take away (I was due to go shopping the next day). Also moaning lunch plates were still on the table. etc etc

I chatted to db about it saying it was lovely to see ds but I would of preferred a call so I could of prepared for the visit.

Today I went for a walk with the kids to the park to make a snowman, when I got back DB was waiting in the drive, I had no idea he was coming, he is staying at a hotel, but said he is staying till Thursday !! The snow is quite bad and a lot of places will be shut so have no idea how I will entertain them.

We have/had plans for the week and now things are going to have to be changed / re arranged. I so wish I could say "sorry did not know you were coming and has made plans, so can not see you all the time"

Part of me thinks I should be grateful for them travelling up in the snow to visit, but would it of hurt to let me know they were coming.

They were here for a few hours and and I lost count of the digs, negative comments, I have got so much more of my self confidence back since I love away, don't need to be made to feel like crap for a week.

So AIBU to of expected a call to let me know they were coming.

OP posts:

ihearsounds · 19/01/2013 20:52

Do not change your plans for them.
Do not be sorry that you weren't in.

It is own fault that he had to wait. It is his own fault that he now has to entertain himself.

The only way you are ever going to get through to them that they cannot simply pop in and expect you to change plans/accommodate them is to stop doing it.

You owe them nothing. So what if they are family. This isn't a reason to do what they want how they want, when they want. If this was some random person, you wouldn't let it happen. Make this year the year you stop being wet, and be more assertive with them.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 19/01/2013 20:52

I hate people who just turn up with a passion, it is so fucking rude!!

You should have explained you are busy and will see him when you can.

Last Sunday one of dh's friends who he has not seen for a couple of years arrived on our doorstep at 09.50 - THAT'S TEN TO FUCKING TEN ON A SUNDAY MORNING!!!

I was in my pj's with big bed hair and unbrushed teeth, dh was asleep as he had been working all night!

Who does that?! He had travelled from the other side of London for nearly two hours by train and not though to call or text dh to say he was coming.

He didn't even say "sorry to turn up unannounced" or anything.

Fuckwits.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffypillow · 19/01/2013 21:45

YANBU. I hate surprise visitors well, any visitors tbh

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 21:50

Waiting for you on the drive for 2 hours is very determined isn't it?

And a bit weird if you ask me.

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 21:52

Same here fluff

My Dad's good at just dropping by, but at least he sometimes gives us a 10 min warning they're on the way and more importantly, respects what time we get out of our pits .

bedmonster · 19/01/2013 22:12

My Dad does this, you have my every last ounce of sympathy.

He even comes from another fucking country with a rucksack on his back. He swans in, sticks said bag on the floor and waits expectantly for a coffee. Well the last time he did this, he carried on waiting. I was getting 3DC ready for the school run. He made it himself then scarpered to my Dbro who lives in a different town. He was over for 4 days in the end. I had plans that week and only saw him briefly in passing. He was a bit pissed off. I told him to deal with it. His problem for not having the courtesy to tell me he was coming.

OP, YANBU, some people are just downright cheeky. Put a stop to it now, or else this will be happening on and off for years. Your siblings are acting like twats

2rebecca · 19/01/2013 22:18

I would be quite blunt and say that you're pleased to see them but in future can they please phone and arrange visits in advance as you like to be able to plan for people visiting and have other things arranged. If they moan I probably would be quite blunt and say that I think just dropping in and expecting me to drop everything I had planned and look after them is a bit rude and thoughtless. It sounds as though they have gone now, but I'd probably write them seperate letters saying it was lovely to see them but next time can they please phone in advance if they plan to visit . saying that you will phone them if you'd like to arrange to visit them.

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 22:22

The OP said to her brother that he should have said he was coming round 2rebecca, but he thought he'd surprise her

gimmecakeandcandy · 19/01/2013 22:23

They are bullies
Stop letting them bully you! Send them an email saying that in future you will need notice if they are visiting

Also you need to tell them outright that you are be not going to put up with their digs at you

2rebecca · 19/01/2013 22:34

When he said that I'd have said "Next time can you please phone though as I prefer to know if people are coming, it also saves you waiting in the snow for 2 hours". That makes it clear that surprise visits aren't appreciated, although I suspect he realised it wasn't a good idea towards the end of the 2 hours. If they're staying in a hotel I don't see why they waited on the drive for 2 hours, putting a note through the door with his mobile number or the hotel phone number on and telling you he was in the area would have been more sensible, the OP could have been out for 6 hours like I've just been, hanging around on someone's drive when you have a warm hotel nearby sounds mad.

AgentZigzag · 19/01/2013 22:41

Unless he was just making up waiting for 2 hours 2rebecca?

Because, like you say, it'd be ridiculous to hang about while you could be in a hotel room and just ring later.

If they're like that anyway, he could have said it to pile more shit on the OP?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/01/2013 22:52

It is not a surprise when visitors turn up unannounced from 150 miles away, necessitating overnight stays. It is inconvenient. Unwelcome . Fucking rude.

OP, your brother and sister appear to be stuck in some sort of childish loop, and as has already been pointed out, are bullies. Given their love of digs, I think you should feel free to pepper your conversation with as many pointed remarks as you can think of (the owned outright one was perfect!). And maybe prime your husband to do the same, if you feel too inhibited to do so. Make them aware of just how much of an arse they really are.

2rebecca · 19/01/2013 23:00

If my brother did that to me though I wouldn't feel he was piling more shit on me, just being rather stupid. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty for having been getting on with my life unaware he was sitting on the drive.
Luckily my brother is nice, and if he had visited and I wasn't in would have just stuck something though my letter box or left a message on the answer machine (he knows my mobile isn't glued to me on a weekend).
I suspect he'd exaggerated the 2 hours because it sounds as though he wasn't alone and if he is married I'd have thought his wife would have objected at sitting on someone's drive for hours. You might have gone away for the weekend.
I would get on with the main things you have planned for the week and see them when you're free. I doubt they want to live in your pocket until Thursday anyway so I'd just meet up on an evening for dinner of whatever is convenient, in some ways him not phoning is easier as he hasn't come to visit you, he's just come to the area for a few days with his wife.

Original poster

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/01/2013 08:23

I really appreciate all your replies.

I had a long chat with dh last night who thinks I am a strong minded person and stand my ground, but when my family are involved I crumble. We also had a good chat about how better I feel since I have got away from them. When he comes this afternoon I am determined not to let him get to me.

He is always clever to do the comments when we are alone, if I make coffee he will come out and say something, had a brilliant nights sleep and so determined today, what with the chat from dh and the lovely comments on here I am feeling brave today.

I do suspect he was exaggerating about the wait in the drive as he asked how long I had been out for, and I said about 2 hours. !!! he wasn't allowed to book into the hotel till after 2 so had no-where to go.

OP posts:

MousyMouse · 20/01/2013 08:37

yanbu
you need to spell it out to them that you need advance warning, if you can't do it in person, write it and send.

RuleBritannia · 20/01/2013 08:47

We are all different and I respect the way the OP feels. Mind you, I didn't have bullying S and B.

I like visitors whether they are surprises or not. I suppose I would appreciate a bit of notice though so I can put on decent clothes and face quickly get the house ready.

We had one incident though when we had had my M to stay for a bit and my own S and BIL were supposed to come and collect her to take her to their house 150 miles away, letting us know what day and what time. Sunday morning and they were on the doorstep at 8.30am. My DH had to get out of bed to answer the door in his saggy dressing gown nothing underneath and tangled, long hair. They said they'd left a message on our answering machine telling us what time they'd be here. Lies! My poor M (80 something) had to get out of bed, wash, dress and have breakfast in a tizz while my H and I tried to get ready, too.

That's the only time I've had 'unwelcome' visitors.

DontmindifIdo · 20/01/2013 09:01

I think there's a world of difference between someone popping over for a couple of hours (also bloody annoying not to tell you) and someone coming for the best part of a week, expecting you to clear your plans for an hour or 2 is rude enough, expectingyou to clear it for a week is so entitled you have nothing to fear from pissing them off. They obviously don't like you very much.

wheredidiputit · 20/01/2013 10:55

YANBU.

Don't change any plans that you have made it's not fair on DH and DC. The only way your brother and sister will learn is if you are not available to do what they want.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 20/01/2013 13:43

Seriously the only reason they don't phone ahead is because you might say don't come.This doesn't suit their plans so they don't phone.
I think you should receive a phone call from a sick friend and need to go and help her because he is really ill lol

diddl · 20/01/2013 13:54

I certainly wouldn´t be putting myself out for him-or her in the future.

They decide to turn up unexpectedly, then they take the consequence of how much time you spend with them-or not.

They don´t sound as if the deserve for you to bother with them much at all tbh.

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