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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dogs and Grandchildren

30 replies

CurtainsForNow · 18/01/2013 18:23

I ought to make it clear at the outset that I understand that this is none of my business and I am staying out of it!! Just interested in MN opinions.

Anyway, a friend of mine looks after her 3 year old GC while her parents are at work.

The friend has recently decided to get a rescue dog. I've not met the dog yet, but she describes it as small (jack russell sized) and docile. She thinks it is about 5-6 years old (i.e. not a young boisterous puppy).

Her DiL has totally flipped over the dog and has now said that she won't bring GC to friend's house but that my friend must come to the DiL's house to look after GC.

Friend doesn't want to have to look after her GC in her son and DIL's house as she feels she is doing them a big favour anyway (which she totally doesn't mind doing) but wants to do it in the comfort of her own home.
She has undertaken to keep the dog away from GC as much as possible but can't guarantee they will have no contact at all and would want to e.g. take the dog to the park with them if they go. However son and DiL won't budge and they are now not talking.

Obviously my view is slightly skewed because one person is my friend. So please, oh MN, who is BU? Friend or her DIL?

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 18:27

Friend has the option to say actually no, I won't be providing you with childcare any more.

Her daughter in law and son have the right to not want their child with a dog, regardless what others think about how wise that is. They don't however, have a RIGHT to childcare...

LadyBeagleEyes · 18/01/2013 18:27

DIL is being UR.
Is the childcare free?

CheerMum · 18/01/2013 18:27

dil is perfectly within her rights to decide not to use your friend as free childcare.

however, your friend is also perfectly within her rights to say "f" off to overly precious dil and take her dog to the park instead!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 18/01/2013 18:28

DIL is being UR, friend is happy to keep dog away from children as much as possible. Is childcare free?

Original poster
CurtainsForNow · 18/01/2013 18:28

Yes, she provides childcare for free (i think her son and DIL take her out for a meal / buy her a present occasionally as a thank you). She has her GC for 2-3 days a week and occasional overnights.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 18/01/2013 18:29

I'd want to know if the dog had been usedto being around children. Docile and used to children are not the same thing and personally I'd worry (as I do with my own mums dogs) that they wouldn't be supervised as closely as the parent would like.

I don't think the dil is being ur.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 18/01/2013 18:30

Then DIL needs to find other childcare if she is not happy. Does her son have an opinion?

Pigsmummy · 18/01/2013 18:30

Two sides to this, free childcare doesn't give you the right to lay down the law and your friend can tell DIL to bugger but also remember that story about the Jack Russell that killed a baby at Christmas, that wasn't a puppy....

LadyBeagleEyes · 18/01/2013 18:31

Then I think it's time for DIL to find herself a nursery or childminder and pay for it.
She has no right to dictate to her MIL, when's she's doing her a huge favour and saving her a fortune.

SauvignonBlanche · 18/01/2013 18:31

I think your friend should tell her DIL to like it or lump it.

DontmindifIdo · 18/01/2013 18:32

Tell your friend to say no to going over to her DS's and DIL's to look after DGC, but if they want to make alternative arrangements for their childcare that's their choice.

Free child care is childcare you don't have any control over.

OurPlanetNeptune · 18/01/2013 18:33

Your friend has should get a dog if she wants, and getting a rescue dog is wonderful! She also can tell them to find free child care elsewhere. However, she cannot get into a strop about not seeing her gc. The son and dil have every right to refuse their child being around a dog they and your friend is unfamiliar with. They will have to find other childcare arrangements. They have no right to be in a strop about it.

DontmindifIdo · 18/01/2013 18:33

oh and 3 days a week would be £700 a month round here. she's giving them an extra £700, before you even look at overnight.

Nuttyfilly · 18/01/2013 18:34

Dil being unreasonable, your friend has said she will keep dog separate, and to be fair dil is lucky to have a family member look after her child for free regularly. But thats my opinion. Each to there own

13Iggis · 18/01/2013 18:40

The dog is an unknown quantity. And small does not equal harmless!

A trusted family pet maybe; but I would hesitate at this. Odd time for the grandparent to decide to get one.
I totally get what the parents are getting with the free childcare, but the grandmother also (one assumes) enjoys the contact and close relationship with grandchild. It's not one-way. I don't get any help from gps, but if my mum lived closer to us she would bite my arm off to mind her dgcs.

13Iggis · 18/01/2013 18:42

Friend has not guaranteed to keep them separate, by the way.

LadyBeagleEyes · 18/01/2013 18:43

It's a rescue dog so probably very strict criteria for adopting it.
I'm sure the rescue know the circumstances and type of home the dog is going into, I'm sure they wouldn't release a vicious killer dog into the home of someone who has children around.

lovelyladuree · 18/01/2013 18:45

Dogs. Shoot to kill. End of.

karatekimmi · 18/01/2013 18:46

I wouldn't be happy letting my pfb be around a dog, especially a rescue dog (neighbours had one and it went for the toddler. Luckily no one was hurt) however they need to accept that the free childcare is over.

HoneyDragon · 18/01/2013 18:51

It's not an odd time to get a dog if you want a dog. DiL is well within her rights to not want her children in a house with a dog.

Friend is sllowed to refuse to Nanny in DiLs home.

If DiL and son withold and access to GC out of spite for losing free childcare. Then I might hoick on the judgy pants.

biff23 · 18/01/2013 18:51

Totally dil being unreasonable, IMO. I have a cocker and she had never been around babies until my nephew arrived (I have 2 children but babies are different). I look after him a few times a month, in my home. The dog has had to get used to him, baby isn't so sure about the dog. All I'm getting at is that all dogs are a risk, not just rescue dogs.

I don't really see the issue they have and think the dog would actually be a bonus for your GC. As long as they are never, ever left alone together then I don't see problem. Ultimately though they can stop him coming to your house but like everyone has said, you have the right to refuse to go to theirs (which I would as I wouldn't want to be cooped up in someone else's house, especially when my beloved pooch was home alone).

Arseface · 18/01/2013 18:53

As the owner of dogs and toddlers, I would be very wary of a dog I didn't know being around my DCs without me there.
On the other hand, Dil sounds incredibly rude. While it's responsible to be concerned, surely Dil and your friend could work together to create sensible rules?
If I were providing so much free care and had the law laid down to me like that I would be most inclined to suggest Dil start looking into nurseries/childminders!

Dirtymistress · 18/01/2013 18:54

Your friend's life should not revolve around her grandchildren. She has raised her kids and is presumably retired. If she wants a dog then that is absolutely her right. If daughter in law doesn't want her child to be in same house as said dog fair enough (even though personally I find this irritating as there is nothing wrong with kids and dogs mixing under the supervision of a responsible adult). Not worth falling out over though. DIL will just have to find alternative childcare and MIL will just have to visit grandchild at their house. There is always the hope that DIL will come to love said dog and mellow over time....

wigglesrock · 18/01/2013 18:58

Well she can't really mind her grandchild in their parents home if she's getting a dog anyway (not for 2-3 days a week and perhaps overnight) - so thats out the window.

If her son and daughter in law don't want their child near a dog then as they'll have to pay for childcare. The dog wouldn't bother me at all but I know it does some people.

I don't really understand why its an odd time to get a dog - does your friend live alone? - great company and exercise.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 18/01/2013 19:03

Friend has the right to get a dog if she wants one, DS and DiL are within rigs to not want their toddler around a dog (known or otherwise) if they don't want, it's not being particularly precious, though they seem to be being a bit OTT about it.

I hate jack russells, everyone I've known have been horrid yappy and aggressive dogs, which would influence my opinion if I was DiL tbh

Your friend is also totally within her rights to watch the Dc in her own home, if the arrangement no longer works for all parties then sort out a new arrangement.

FWIW I left DS with a childminder who had a chocolate Labrador but she had two of her own small children and apart from walks the dog was kept in a separate room to the children she minded.

Hope that DS and DiL don't prevent ANY contact though, that would spiteful and mean. But likewise, all blame should surely not be put totally on DiL, does her DS not have a mind of his own opinion

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