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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset at schoolgate comments?

107 replies

1979Liz · 17/01/2013 23:37

I am feeling rather devastated by a comment made about my son by a grandparent at the schoolgate this week. I had just picked him up (he is in Reception), and as I called my son by his name, the grandfather, who was stood right next to me turned to his grandson and said rather loudly "Oh, (my son'a name), isn't he the naughty one?". He then looked directly at me. My face showed my shock, but I didn't respond I just smiled at him and walked away feeling utterly crushed.

Now I can't say my son is an angel. He has found it difficult to adapt to a more structured environment. He is bright and gets bored easily and can have a tendancy to get distracted and distract others. He is not aggressive and has never hurt another child in school ( though had a tooth knocked out in Dec when another child headbutted him in the face!), but I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area. These are the first issues I have been made aware of but obviously they may have made me a little sensitive over his behaviour.

I am really shocked that someone could be so unkind. I could have cried. I am now so concerned that my son has been labelled and that the parents could be telling their children that my son is naughty.

Do I need to get thicker skinned about this sort of thing or am I right to be upset and concerned?

OP posts:

cricketballs · 17/01/2013 23:42

"parents could be telling their children that my son is naughty" surely its the children telling the parents that he is naughty

ResolutelyCheeky · 17/01/2013 23:42

Er yes, it will be the children telling the parents he is naughty...not the other way around.

ResolutelyCheeky · 17/01/2013 23:43

Sorry cricket for the cross post

andtheycalleditbunnylove · 17/01/2013 23:43

your child is naughty. he's a child.
the grandad is rude. he's an adult.
i like your child better of the two.

Musomathsci · 17/01/2013 23:44

I think you've answered your own question, really... silly old man, ignore, ignore, ignore!

Kids label each other, it happens, and ignorant adults will join in. Next week someone else will kick the teacher or glue their friend to the climbing frame and they will be the new "naughty one". There's always one...

Original poster

1979Liz · 17/01/2013 23:47

Yes you are right, I have worded that badly. They are probably going home and telling their parents he has bahaved badly in school. My worry is that the parents are then reinforcing a label.

OP posts:

VirtuallyHere · 17/01/2013 23:49

Probably thicker skinned, ignore and just carry on working on your sons behaviour. My DS is 5 and they all talk about the 'naughty' boy in the class so the parents will know anyway. I do agree it seems rude how this man said it to you. But parents are generally sympathetic if they know you are dealing with it.

LadyBeagleEyes · 17/01/2013 23:52

And this made you want to cry Op?
Yes, it comes from the kids when he was naughty, Grandad obviously didn't think how sensitive you are.

SilveryMoon · 17/01/2013 23:56

Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear that. Imagine it's quite crushing.
Try to ignore it.
All children display undesirable behaviour at times and have triggers other children don't see or understand (adults as well a lot of the time don't connect the 2) so could go home describing something but not the reasons.
A boy in my Ds's class (according to my ds) uses some very choice language. I once told ds that x was naughty but then thought about it and doubt the boy in question has any idea of the anti socialness of his words.
Chances are your son is no different from any other child but the other boy just remembers what your ds has done and talks about it.
I try to ignore anyone with their judgy pants on.

Joiningthegang · 18/01/2013 00:17

My son is 5 and says who is "naugty" and who is wee behaved in class. Your sOn may not be really well behaved (but not badly enough to concern you). Rule abiding 5 yr olds only too happy to let you know how "good" they are conpared to others.
The grandad was rude and thoughtless but there is no need for you to feel "crushed".

Joiningthegang · 18/01/2013 00:18

Sorry for typos - it's late and am on phone

SquinkiesRule · 18/01/2013 00:20

You could stand near again tomorrow and when he calls his grandson, Of thats ..... he's the one with the rude grandfather.
Ignore him.

Catchingmockingbirds · 18/01/2013 00:25

I was pretty upset when I overheard my DS being talked about and referred to as the naughty one. We were having a lot of issues with him (undiagnosed ASD at the time) but it still really hurt to hear it. Yanbu to feel upset, but the grandparent was very rude, he should have never said what he did, especially the way he did so you would hear.

trofeewife · 18/01/2013 00:29

The parents/grandparents clearly encourage tale telling. Ignore them. Their life must be very boring if they have to fill it by gossiping about 5 year olds!

dayshiftdoris · 18/01/2013 00:39

I am another catchingmockingbirds (Child with ASD who was undiagnosed until 6 and behaviour issues)

Some people seem to work by the motto of 'All is fair in love and education...'
Normal, polite behaviour goes out of the window and everything else is fair game. It is hurtful and crushing and my only advice is to rise above it and not stoop to their level...

Even if this grandson burns the school kitchen down... just smile whilst silently going 'Nerr, nerrr, your kid is worse than mine'

Yfronts · 18/01/2013 00:53

The kids are probably telling lots of different stories about lots of different different children in their class. I wouldn't take any notice if I were you. My kids tell me all sorts and I have vivid picture of what the kids are like as a result. I expect some bits of info are exaggerated or forgotten though.

If you are really concerned about your child's behavior, talk to the teacher.

Backtobedlam · 18/01/2013 05:52

Just ignore it, my reception child is always telling me x did this, or y did that (only about 50% of which i guess is true). He of course is perfect, and has never even been told off, which unless he has a personality transplant every morning when he walks through the school gates, I know to be untrue. Your dc may be the naughty one this week, next week they'll be best friends!

FellatioNels0n · 18/01/2013 06:09

The grandfather was very rude, yes. But to be honest if your son is the naughty one of the class then you are going to need to toughen up a bit and learn to laugh it off, otherwise you are going to be feeling like this a lot. All parents get told who the naughty ones are by their children, and they all like to judge a little bit while being relieved and delighted that it's not their child.

The best thing would be to stop making excuses for him Saying 'he's bright and he gets bored' just make people roll their eyes all the more, I'm afraid. Other children/parents don't really care much what the reason is, they only care that their child might somehow be suffering because of it.

If it happens again just say 'Yep! That's my boy! Every class has one, and my son is it!'

Allaquandry · 18/01/2013 06:30

What fellatio said.

I wouldn't ignore and I wouldn't make excuses. I'd be doing everything I could to address it and check if there are underlying problems.

IME at school gate, the ones labelled by the kids as the naughty ones have without fail been genuinely poorly behaved and in a couple of cases behaviour has led to dx, haven't yet seen it spontaneously revert into good behaviour without intervention by parents.

Making excuses for the behaviour will only alienate you from other parents. Those i know who have openly acknowledged and tried to address problems have been fully supported by sympathetic parents (who are always relieved its to their kid), even if their kids stay badly behaved.

You are right, however, to consider the grandfather to be an absolute arse.

chutneypig · 18/01/2013 06:40

Smiling and walking away was the best response to that type of unnecessary comment, IMO. I also like Fellatio 's response.

In my experience the type of behaviour the teacher has spoken to you about is very common at that age. My son has been described as distracting and distractable by his teachers but is gradually getting better at that, he's in Yr 1 now, mixed R/Yr1 class. I have no need to hear playground comments because his twin sister is only too eager to give me a detailed breakdown on his trangressions each day . And she hasn't for a while, so I guess it's all progressing. So from that side I think time will smooth things. We've had children in he class both of mine were telling me were the naughty one, aside from DS who always features heavily in DDs accounts, but haven't heard their names mentioned for months now, so I wouldn't fear too greatly that its a long term label.

I wouldn't have been impressed but think you handled it well, so I'd try and concentrate on that and not worry too much.

Backtobedlam · 18/01/2013 06:41

Obviously I didn't mean ignore your child's behaviour if you are contacted by school about incidents. I meant ignore this grandfather and his judging. If there are issues you need to deal with that is between you and the school, not playground gossips who probably only have half truths.

Branleuse · 18/01/2013 06:51

Very sorry that a rude old grandad has upset you. Bit of a rude thing to say.
My daughter (also in reception) pointed out one of her friends to me recently - "thats Rhys - he makes the WRONG CHOICES, but now he is doing the right choices sometimes".
Which I think is a nicer more caring way of saying it, but the children are still all aware. They cant not be. I have a soft spot for little Rhys and his wrong choices :)

coraltoes · 18/01/2013 07:00

I'd be concerned about what the children are telling their parents, not the other way around. It can be a real pain being in a class with a disruptive classmate, they won't understand any underlying issues, SEN, or whatever, and will just view it as naughty. They are kids. The old man should have known better.

I love the Wrong choices comment, so so delicately put!!

EmmaBemma · 18/01/2013 07:01

There's a kid like that in my daughter's class - he always seems to be in trouble, according to her. I've got a soft spot for him too, like Branleuse! I can understand your concerns about labelling

Growlithe · 18/01/2013 07:04

Oh well, I know I'll get flamed for this but here goes.

Some grandparents have a lovely little relationship with their grandchildren which makes them kind of a grown up friend who can listen to the child, and be completely on their side without having to be PC about it.

It reminds me a bit of my very dear FIL who sadly passed away last year. A couple of years ago my DD didn't like one of the TAs in her class. She was a nasty sarcastic woman, and I'm not saying that just because DD didn't like her. I had to be very diplomatic about it, but when this woman put herself in the stocks at the summer fair, DFIL made sure he got her good and wet and had a giggle with DD about it afterwards, like an overgrown schoolboy. DD had a good friend and confidant in him.

Maybe this grandad was similar. Maybe his DGS has told him about an incident or two, and he's on his side rather than yours. Or maybe he is just a rude old man.

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