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AIBU?

To feel upset at schoolgate comments?

107 replies

1979Liz · 17/01/2013 23:37

I am feeling rather devastated by a comment made about my son by a grandparent at the schoolgate this week. I had just picked him up (he is in Reception), and as I called my son by his name, the grandfather, who was stood right next to me turned to his grandson and said rather loudly "Oh, (my son'a name), isn't he the naughty one?". He then looked directly at me. My face showed my shock, but I didn't respond I just smiled at him and walked away feeling utterly crushed.

Now I can't say my son is an angel. He has found it difficult to adapt to a more structured environment. He is bright and gets bored easily and can have a tendancy to get distracted and distract others. He is not aggressive and has never hurt another child in school ( though had a tooth knocked out in Dec when another child headbutted him in the face!), but I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area. These are the first issues I have been made aware of but obviously they may have made me a little sensitive over his behaviour.

I am really shocked that someone could be so unkind. I could have cried. I am now so concerned that my son has been labelled and that the parents could be telling their children that my son is naughty.

Do I need to get thicker skinned about this sort of thing or am I right to be upset and concerned?

OP posts:

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seeker · 18/01/2013 13:40

Is it entirely routine for a parent to be asked to talk to the teacher twice in 2 weeks?

Summerblaze · 18/01/2013 15:00

I had the same happen the other day. DS (also in reception) was walking into the entrance and a boy said hello to him. The boy said something I didn't hear to his dad and dad said very loudly "oh, he's naughty is he".

My DS has had severe glue ear from only a few months old til just this summer when he was 4.5. This has caused a significant developmental delay and is currently about a 3 year old in age for certain things. He is possibly going down the route of getting a statement and 1:1 help. He isn"t violent or nasty in fact he is quite popular probably because he does naughty things which other children think is funny. I know this, I worry about this and about what people say about him. When I heard this man I felt sick even though I know he is and am working closely with the teachers to help him. IMO naughty or not, helped by parents or not, people should keep their nasty thoughts to themselves.

FWIW, I was talking to one of the mums of my dd's friend and was telling her about ds. She said that she removed her eldest from one school as she was going through hell as her ds was naughty and parents were being horrible to her. I couldn't believe it, he is 14 now and is a lovely well mannered boy.

nellieellie · 18/01/2013 15:13

Heck, if a little 4/5yr old boy is not naughty in Reception class a few times, then I think that's a little sad. And no-one likes a sneak. Seems to me that if history has taught us anything, it's the over compliant kids (and the informers) we should worry about.

seeker · 18/01/2013 15:18

I am a bit at some of the attitudes on here!

lljkk · 18/01/2013 15:32

Behaviour issues twice in a term is nothing, OP.
Daily from the start of term is a pain.

lljkk · 18/01/2013 15:34

Really, Seeker? Don't you notice in real life that certain parents speak to the teacher at least once a week about behaviour issues? And that's what's easy to observe, usually on top of individual private consultations. Or are they really all little angels down where you are?

feministefatale · 18/01/2013 15:34

Your kid probably is a bit naughty if he is building a reputation, but the granddad sounds like a wanker and was really rude

1979Nelson · 18/01/2013 15:54

Goodness Chickenshavenoeyebrows, I am shocked at what was said to you about your child. That was really nasty.

Thanks to all of you sharing your own experiences. Summerblaze, it is really hurtful when you experience it. I am sorry you have experienced it too.

It seems such an unkind thing to do. I wouldn't dream of doing the same to someone else. In fact, when my son pointed out the boy who headbutted him and knocked out my son's tooth, within earshot of the boy and his mum, I shushed him and told him it had been dealt with and smiled at the Mum.I was upset at what happenes but trusted the school to deal with it and imagined the Mum would have been upset too.

It is good to hear about the 'naughty ones' who grow up to be such delights too. Good luck to all of you going through similar and thanks for sharing xx

LaQueen · 18/01/2013 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ironman · 18/01/2013 17:24

1979nelson Ignore the man! I know from experience at the school gates that plenty of children were labelled naughty etc; and they used to play with my ds and turn up at my house! The children are the ones saying he/she is naughty, but it is the parents who segregate the children and say who they can play with etc. From my experience some of the parents do speak to the teachers about other pupils behaviours and they can get labelled. I'd speak to the teacher before they did. Your son is very young and IMO boys are labelled naughty when they are not, it's part of boys behaviour.
Don't worry about it!

bamboostalks · 18/01/2013 17:26

Oh hon. It is upsetting. Just pick yourself up. I'm afraid you made the fateful mistake in your op by describing your child child as bright and bored. That will being out all the mums on here who have bright children who are never naughty because they are parenting them so perfectly. He's only wee and it will all settle down. Horrid inappropriate comment from someone who should know better.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 18/01/2013 17:29

Fuck me! Did I just see a "hon" on MN?

MrsMushroom · 18/01/2013 17:32

You have a bright, challenging child....be happy that he is yours and you aren't struggling with anything like illness. Let the comments be like water off a ducks back.

I don't judge the kids in my 4 year old's class because I know that they're all very small and have their own little journey's to embark on and their own quirks. Many parents are like me. Some are like that old man...bugger him and his negativity.

LaQueen · 18/01/2013 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMushroom · 18/01/2013 18:08

Oh get over yourselves. It's not a frigging rule...just a bolloxy "thing" that some Mnrs decided to pick on others about. I've been here under various names for three years and over that time I've seen it again and again....its a word that's all.

In fact I prefer it to the shite jokes like "Gavel" and "Ltb". They're old hat. As is the biscuit thing.

I don't say "hon" but if I wanted to I would.

LaQueen · 18/01/2013 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Growlithe · 18/01/2013 18:20

Is a 'hon' better or worse than a 'hun'?

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 18/01/2013 18:21

Sorry didnt mean for the thread derail Op. I've taken it elsewhere.

VenusRising · 18/01/2013 18:22

I think attitudes were very different to when this granddad was a boy.
Then it was quite acceptable to talk about people in labelling terms, even over the subject's head! Some people still do it to people who happen to be disabled.

It takes a few years for some kids to realise that they are limited in their movements in school - having to sit still is quite difficult for 4 and 5 year olds, let alone adults! I'm sure your bright little boy will get the hang of seeing what's required of him, (sitting still, keeping quiet) and complying (always a bit sad to have to learn this IMHO)

There will be comments in the future from interfering people, that I can guarantee, as it happens to everyone - best to develop a thicker skin and let them all wash off. Nod and smile hon.

VenusRising · 18/01/2013 18:36

Blasted Autocorrect

I think attitudes were very different now to when this granddad was a boy.

Sorry you're going through this OP, and if you're worried your son is being labelled, have a word with the teacher, and head teacher, as its surely in everyone's best interests if labels such as naughty, are kept well out of the classrooms and yard.
Maybe the school needs to run an anti bullying programme?
Chin up, er, hon.

VenusRising · 18/01/2013 18:37

Blardy 'ell are

lovelyladuree · 18/01/2013 18:48

Unfortunately, the truth hurts. I cannot wait to be old so I can say exactly what I want. Oh, hold on, I already do

monstermissy · 18/01/2013 19:09

My five year old hit year one and I spend most days having a word with the teacher, in fact I'm always last in the line to discourage everyone listening. Although if its anything interesting ill hear about it from the kids coming out first. It's never nasty or agressive/violent or really involving others. Low level disruption like appearing at the class door five minutes after everyone else has sat down after playtime. As he's been elsewhere when the whistle has gone ... (Thank god they lock the gate nowadays) . Everyday he comes home flithy, he likes to roll in the mud, not listening, being silly with his friends etc etc I have regular meetings with head about it and the class teacher. We are working together and trying various approaches till something works. He just does not seem to bother about being in trouble, missing playtimes or even having to go to the heads office. Nothing phases him. At home he's lovely mostly like any other five year old.

I make a point of chatting to all the mums in the class, I'm open about what he's up to (their kids are ttelling them anyway) I smile and am polite, I engage with their children and so far I think its going ok, I don't feel like I'm being looked down the nose but he is infamous as the class clown/silly boy. If anything happens in class his name is offered up even when his teacher knows it wasn't him. So he will have to work at shaking that off. Your not alone I promise.

Perhaps the grandad didn't know you were the mum in question and looked at you as felt you looking at him when you heard your sons name?? Maybe...

monstermissy · 18/01/2013 19:11

Sorry that was long.

marjproops · 18/01/2013 19:56

Feel for you OP. i took DC once to a birthday party and the entertainer, when she heard her name, said, into her mic -'0h, xxx, ive heard about you'. what????? and then a child fell over at some point, my DC was at the other end of the room and this twat again said, into her mic-'oh did xxx push you over?' I was too shocked to say anything. i didnt even KNOW the woman, obv my DCs name had been floating around. Autism. thats what I should say her name is!!!!

some people are just insensitive and quick to label. its hard to wear a thick skin when infamy sets in.

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