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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not wake up to find MiL giving her house guests a tour of my house?

152 replies

abigboydidit · 16/01/2013 13:12

So..am still a bit bleary eyed & stunned & it may be that I calm down once I wake up but I doubt it.

Am currently 39 weeks pregnant with DC2. Inlaws live relatively nearby so we gave them a house key a couple of weeks ago and emphasised that it was for labour related emergencies only. We have avoided giving them a key before as they have a history of invading our privacy (when I was on maternity leave with DS they would regularly turn up without warning or checking it was convenient. On one occasion I was in the ensuite shower and they appeared in our bedroom to inform me they were visiting). We told asked them not to visit without calling first but they constantly ignored this and continued to let themselves in if DS & I were napping to the point I got anxiety related insomnia and we asked for the key back.

So, DS is currently teething and I was up pretty much half hourly from 3-6am with him and then got him up & ready for nursery while DH headed to work. After dropping him off I went back to bed to recharge and was shocked to be woken about an hour later by voices in the hallway. In the confusion of wondering what was happening (initially I thought it was the radio) I was hoisting myself out of bed when MiL barged into our bedroom with 2 house guests she has visiting from USA. We have recently renovated our house and she explained she was giving them a tour as she was passing. She was really quite snide about the fact I was sleeping and made a few cruel jokes to her guests about me still being in bed at 11am when the breakfast dishes were still sitting on the kitchen table downstairs before heading out again. By the time I grabbed some clothes and composed myself to go downstairs (I was a bit teary and shaken) they had left.

I would welcome advice on what to do please. Unfortunately we are reliant on them for childcare when I go into labour so I know I can't do anything too hasty but I am very upset. I haven't called DH yet as he is likely to fly off the handle. I have spent the last hour or so feeling rather pathetic so am off for a shower now (with the key left in the lock!) and would welcome suggestions as to how I can draw a line under this.

OP posts:
Otheregos · 16/01/2013 13:32

If you already knew what they were like why on earth did you give them a key in the first place?

Thumbwitch · 16/01/2013 13:34

Get a key to her place! Go in there randomly, preferably when you know she'll be in bed! See how she likes it.

(yes yes, childish, but sometimes it's the only way to show them how fucking unreasonable their behaviour is)

LemonBreeland · 16/01/2013 13:34

I think you need to let your DH go mad. She has to realise that what she did is completely inappropriate and unnacceptable.

So you really not have any friends you could ask to help out in case of childbirth? Most people who are even just acquantances (sp) would be willing to help out in such circumstances.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 16/01/2013 13:34

Use that chain.

When you get up with ds tonight, phone your MIL. Preferably around 3am. Explain (nicely, in a polite, friendly, helpful way) that you may be sleeping in tomorrow morning as you are up in the night, and you thought you'd ring and let her know that. Act surprised if she is upset at being woken, as you know she doesn't think sleep is that important. Repeat every night when you are up in the night.

Ask for a key to their house. If they say why, tell them you have some friends visiting and you may want to show them round. Insist you need a key. Use it at ridiculous hours. Pop round when they aren't there and steal all the bread and milk. Deny it was you afterwards.

And save telling your dh for a particularly bad moment during labour...

MumVsKids · 16/01/2013 13:35

Unbelievable Shock

If my mil did this, and I woke up to her touring my house with her friends, I'd have thrown the nearest, heaviest object at her!!

Definitely take the key back from her, or leave your key in the lock at all times so rendering her key useless.

Just one thing to consider, is your mil expecting that you will take your key back once baby is born?? If so, do you think she might get another one cut from it before she returns it??

YorkshireDeb · 16/01/2013 13:36

I reckon next time she turns up you should shout "get the fuck out of my house!" In the style of a heavily pregnant, hormonal woman. X

AngelinaCongleton · 16/01/2013 13:38

My goodness. My MIL did the exact same thing to me except when i was heavily pregnant. We had renovated the house, my fil had helped so I think she felt it was hers. Oh dear. Get you dh to to tell her that is unacceptable, scary even, he wouldn't like it if she did it to him, never mind his wife.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 16/01/2013 13:38

Your MIL needs a serious talking to - not just about letting herself into your house, but for speaking to you like that when you're heavily pregnant.

A similar thing happened to me when ds was newborn, only it was FIL (he wasn't showing friends around Shock ), just 'dropping something off'. Having had a bad night with ds, I looked an absolute state. Mortifying.

DH rang him, and politely but very firmly told him he must always ring beforehand, as it could scare the bejeezus out of me if I was on my own in the house, in the bath or the loo, and I heard someone just coming in.

He's never done it again, but the embarrassment will be with me forever...

TapirBackRider · 16/01/2013 13:39

She's manipulating you into thinking that she needs a key. Her behaviour this morning shows that she doesn't.

Your dh is the one to sort this out; if she huffs and sulks, then you get lots of lovely free time away from her.

Can you imagine what she's going to be like once you've had the baby? I can, and it's not pretty!

5madthings · 16/01/2013 13:39

Wtf?! She is being massively unreasonable I would have a bloody fit!

AngelinaCongleton · 16/01/2013 13:39

Actually reminded me how raging I was. What a lack of boundaries.

jumpingjackhash · 16/01/2013 13:40

She really is something, isn't she?! Does she feel she has some kind of right to just walk into your house when she feels like it?

Definitely tell DH and let him go mental at her.

KateUnrulyBush · 16/01/2013 13:41

She sounds so unreasonable I would change the locks if I were you. Good grief. Makes my mil look like a saint! She just knocks once then opens the front door which annoys me enough that I put the latch on now, but if she gave actual tours I would hit the roof, it just not acceptable behaviour.

smornintime · 16/01/2013 13:44

That's awful! Please tell DH, think seriously about other options for labour so she doesn't need the key. She obviously can't be trusted with it.
My DM has a key to our house and has NEVER used it unless I have asked her to (apart from once when we were at work and she was passing and needed the loo but I'll let her off that one :))

bonzo77 · 16/01/2013 13:46

Get the key back. Leave a stash of your DCs clothes, pyjamas, toys etc at MILs house. When you go into labour she can collect DC and take him back to hers. Maybe change the lock too if you think there's any chance she has/ will copy the key.

sudaname · 16/01/2013 13:48

Please tell your DH and now !! Do not protect this awful womans behaviour. i wonder as an aside what the American house guests thought. Unless they have same level of manners as your Mil then presumably they were horrified - especially by the derogatory comments.
Why is it some parents of grown up offspring seem to have this mentality that they still have'access all areas' rights like they did when their offspring lived in their home. They still seem to think they still have and always will have some sort of jurisdiction on the grounds they are their parents Hmm Angry.

Dont let her hold you to ransom over the child care issue either - put it this way, if she wasnt around something else would have to be sorted out. Dont a lot of hospitals have creches in maternity units these days [out of touch old gimmer].

Blu · 16/01/2013 13:50

Give yourself time to calm down and then I would compose a very calm but direct conversation. Tell her you realise she wanted to show off her DS's house, but you felt extremely intruded on, it was an invasion of your privacy, and the state of your kitchen was not as it might have been precisely because you were not expecting visitors. Furthermore having been up all night the state of your kitchen is none of her business. You appreciate their help and that's why she has a key, but this is an abuse of it.

And get your DH's support.

HazelnutinCaramel · 16/01/2013 13:50

My sympathy is a bit limited as you knew what they were like! Why on earth did you give them a key after their behaviour last time?!

Bury the key in the garden. When the situation arises that they need to get into the house without you, reveal its location.

zzzzz · 16/01/2013 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/01/2013 13:52

Bonzo's suggestion is very sensible. If leaving some clothes at her house wouldn't work, then I would change the locks and leave a key with a neighbour, then IF you have a pregnancy related emergency, you can let her know which neighbour has the key - or if there isn't a neighbour who will reliably be in, tell her that IF you have an emergency, the key will be under the third flower pot from the left, and only put it there if you have to.

And tell your dh and let him bollock her from here to a week on tuesday.

edam · 16/01/2013 13:52

Good grief, what a nutter your MIL is. Outrageous! She clearly doesn't need your key - anyone else would just take your ds to their house - she's engineered it. Scary.

EuroShagmore · 16/01/2013 13:53

What the actual ? I wish you had been having a hot one and staggered out of bed naked with your preggo belly. That would have learned her.

Get the key back. If she really wants to do labour childcare in your house for valid reasons, surely she only needs the key for the time she is there. She comes over, you give her a key, she hands it back when your husband gets back from hospital. Tell your husband now and let him sort it.

BTW, my parents hold our spare key for emergencies. They have never used it and wouldn't dream of doing so, except in an emergency.

Kiriwawa · 16/01/2013 13:54

I will look after your DS for you when you go into labour. Seriously - there must be someone else who can do it. You really need to make it absolutely clear that she has massively crossed a line and that she gets privileges withdrawn as a result.

Bloody hell - I would be incandescent

Pixieonthemoor · 16/01/2013 13:57

I am SO sorry for you - your mil is breathtakingly rude. Honestly, if I were you, my head would have exploded with rage!! She is extremely lucky you didn't hear voices downstairs, assume you were being broken into and call the police!! Another vote here for telling your dh and letting him lose his rag - she needs to be told. There is no need for her to have a key - she is perfectly able to look after your ds at her house!!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 16/01/2013 13:57

Wow. I am very sorry. you must be fuming. I have no experience of such family members I am afraid. I would though:

  1. Tell DH, cousins, anyone etc. what a cheek!
  1. reduce your exposure/her importance:
Do approach some mums at school. You are not asking for regular childminding duties here, just a few mums who are willing to be called/ pick up DS when you go to hospital. Your DS will know the other kids so it is also easier on him. I did this when DC3 came along and people are so nice. I asked most mums in advance and had a phone list in my handbag but only used a couple in the end.

I like turning up at her house in retaliation but not sure if it would not start the war of the roses (the film not the English History).

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