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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DD's boyfriend out of the house?

34 replies

WendyCapulet · 16/01/2013 04:02

My DD(20) met her boyfriend through a mutual friend, they began dating and after 2 weeks she asked if it was ok for him to stay the night, I agreed.

A month later and he's still here!!

He leaves the house to go to work and that's about it. I get the impression he is one of those people that has no friends because he's always blown people off in favour of his current girlfriend.

He eats the food here (dinner, breakfast and takes food to work), washes his clothes here, showers etc.

Am I being a precious mother by thinking this relationship is too full on? He has practically moved in and I wouldn't suggest any couple should move in together after just 2 weeks.

I don't mind him spending time here, but every single night?? aibu?

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 16/01/2013 04:08

No YANBU, but I think YWBU to say yes after they'd dated for 2 weeks - anyway, time for him to bugger off to wherever he was living prior to yours!

TinyDancingHoofer · 16/01/2013 04:10

YANBU! Kick him out or ask for full bed and board, which is about £50 a night.

Original poster
WendyCapulet · 16/01/2013 04:14

Really? She's 20 so an adult in my eyes and I'd rather she slept with someone who was her boyfriend of just 2 weeks in her own home then have a one night stand with a boy in a random house.

I respected her more that she asked me first too.

But maybe that's just me.

OP posts:
ScubaSarah · 16/01/2013 05:39

Wendy YANBU and I agree with your initial decision too. I'd far rather my kids felt able to have that conversation and stay home than getting it on in the park or whatever...
Have you tried talking to your DD and explained your concerns that it's very 'full-on' and you'd like her to have time for other friends and herself too?
I'm sure if it's done with positive intent and letting her know it's not that you disapprove but rather that it's better to savour these things amd habe other interests too she'll not react badly?
Sounds like you have a close relationship, best of luck

MrsMushroom · 16/01/2013 05:50

It's nothing to do with not respecting her as an adult....she's taking the piss and so is he. I would never foist my partner on my parents when I was at home. It's not her house is it...it's yours and she can't move non-paying guests in.

Campari · 16/01/2013 05:50

Have a quiet chat with your DD, find out what's going on. Why has he stayed so long, does he have anywhere else to go? I would also suggest you ask for a contribution to the food shopping. Its only fair.

Longdistance · 16/01/2013 05:51

He needs to chip in some cash if he's gonna be living with YOU full time. As at the minute it's free bed and board Hmm
If he doesn't then I'd be worried he's using your daughter tbh. And taking advantage.

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2013 07:06

Yanbu at all.

PenguinBear · 16/01/2013 07:07

YANBU, tell him he has to leave!!

JusticeCrab · 16/01/2013 07:12

Such entitled behaviour! Broach the subject with your DD first rather than directly to him, though.

feministefatale · 16/01/2013 07:16

I wouldn't want a stranger staying in my house after only 2 weeks but I can see your point about preferring her at your place to somewhere else.

But yeah, he needs to fuck off out of your place

feministefatale · 16/01/2013 07:18

Oh and mention to your daughter that she really doesn't want to be with an adult who thinks it;s Ok to stay at someone's house and not contribute at all.

Adults don't do that.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2013 07:20

In your endeavour to be "cool" and down with the kids you appear to have turned into a mug

HecateWhoopass · 16/01/2013 07:21

Is he paying his way?

If not, then you need to insist on money for the food he eats and a contribution towards the electric etc.

Whether he continues to 'stay over' (although face it, he's living there Grin ) he should be paying his way.

Nobody should get a free ride.

And if you don't want him there, then tell your daughter. Set a limit on the number of nights he is allowed to stay over and say that if they want to live together - they should find a flat, because you don't want to share your home with him.

And you are allowed to tell him to leave.

carabos · 16/01/2013 09:21

I wouldn't have the conversation via your DD. This man is an adult visitor in your home who has outstayed his welcome. Simply ask him when he is leaving and if he seems unsure, explain that he is welcome as an occasional overnight guest as anyone would be, but that's the extent of it without some other formalised arrangement including payment being discussed (not necessarily agreed).

Chattymummyhere · 16/01/2013 09:33

This is like when I met dh..

Within a week I asked if he could stay overnight, he would go to work nip to his mums shower change then back. After a while we moved into a bigger bedroom though at which point he started paying £100 pcm rent.

Although I was a bad teenager and if my mum had of said no she knows I would of just walked out the house and been coming back at 4am then staying in bed(go college) till bf finished work then out again.

It was not his fault though or mine really we wanted to spend all our free time together alone or with friends but dh parents would never let gf/bf stay over so in effect they pushed him out thus within a week he had almost moved into my family home, within a month he had properly moved in and they only saw him once a week, going down to once a month if they where lucky as they pushed him out..

They realized though let SIL have her bf over took him on holidays and after taking her V and getting these free holidays dumped her ass at his house with no way to get home, as she was way to emotional to drive..

pictish · 16/01/2013 09:35

Yadnbu!

You seem to have aquired another dependent. Ridiculous. Tell him to go home.

pictish · 16/01/2013 09:36

Oh yes - and stop being such a doormat!

Chattymummyhere · 16/01/2013 09:37

oh yanbu but talk to them! they probably think you are happy with it as you have not said otherwise

Anomaly · 16/01/2013 09:39

You've let him stay a month? I would tell your daughter one or two nights a week and if she wants more they need to find their own place.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2013 09:41

Well first off, my initial response would have been "you've only known him two weeks". Had I then said yes, I'd have been saying yes to one night, and I'd have pulled my daughter up on day two. I'd have pulled him up on day three and told him this was my home not a dosshouse. I'd have gone ballistic the minute he started laundering his clothes! I'm not saying this in a 'I'm hard, me' boastful way; I'd just consider this to be normal and I am thunderstruck that you appear to have said nothing to either of them for a whole MONTH Shock when surely there have been opportunities to do so. You know you're not happy with this so what I am wondering is why they don't know, and what is stopping you from raising it with either/both of them? Because there must be something making you bite your tongue, and I'm wondering just what that can be.

pictish · 16/01/2013 09:45

As another asides...spending so much time glued together after a fortnight, is very fucking intense. TOO intense.

chipsandpeas · 16/01/2013 12:51

i would be asking him for dig money

5Foot5 · 16/01/2013 13:15

YANBU but I wouldn't follow the suggestion that some have made of asking for money as if he pays up that will just legitimise the situation and he will consider that he now lives there properly.

Why can you not just say to your DD that enough is enough and it is time he moved back home. That you don't mind the odd night but you certainly did not intend him to move in. I would also be worryng about my DD getting in to a relationship with someone who is such a sponger.

snoopdogg · 16/01/2013 13:22

Junior Cocklodger