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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?

153 replies

Confusedandrejected · 14/01/2013 19:48

Am a regular but have namechanged for this.

I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.

Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.

I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)

I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.

So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 14/01/2013 19:50

Sounds a charmer!

JusticeCrab · 14/01/2013 19:54

'He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.'

Disgraceful!

The rejection is one thing, but comments such as this one are a step too far.

chandellina · 14/01/2013 19:54

Yanbu, and he is extremely rude to criticise the body that has borne his child.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, it takes some women and men a while to get back into sex, but he really needs to put aside the porn and re establish intimacy with his wife.

Coconutty · 14/01/2013 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlmostAHipster · 14/01/2013 19:55

Jesus! What a total cunt he is!! Seriously, he's pointed out the bits of you which are 'unacceptable'? When you've just had his baby??

I couldn't live with such a cold and cruel, arrogant twot!

TwoFacedCows · 14/01/2013 19:56

he sounds a total twat! your body has grown his baby and is feeding his baby! You sound very sweet, but he is a knob

Samnella · 14/01/2013 19:58

YANBU. Is this really someone you want to stay with OP?

BettySuarez · 14/01/2013 19:59

Your husband sounds like a very childish, selfish and cruel man.

Rather than trying to get him to change his opinion of you, I think you should be considering whether you married the man you thought you had Sad

lockets · 14/01/2013 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatatwat · 14/01/2013 20:00

he is a prick.

AngryTrees · 14/01/2013 20:00

He sounds absolutely disgusting, and I don't say that just because he's struggled with the changes. It's his sheer disregard for what you've been through, the suggestion of surgery so your breasts are how he wants and his complete rejection of you.

It sounds like he's punishing you for your body changing by refusing to touch you or offer any physical comfort or contact. That's outrageous behaviour.

allthegoodnamesweretaken · 14/01/2013 20:00

He's being a twat. You do not deserve to be treated like this, tell him to sort his vile, nasty attitude out, or you'll quite rightly dump him.

btw, they're not stretchmarks, they're flames of creation! You should be proud of them Grin

thebody · 14/01/2013 20:02

Hugs to you and so sorry you are living with this complete and utter twat.

Tell him its unacceptable, tell him you need sex and deserve to be loved and respected. Tell him this situation isn't negotiable.

He should be loving you all the more after what you have been through.

Can you chat to your Hv or GP to see if he can access someone to talk to sbout this. And you too.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 20:04

I'd love to come round there and give him a piece of my mind he wouldn't forget very lightly. How bloody terrible for you OP. He's a shallow minded arsehold. But hey, you on the other hand have just produced another human being, how awesome is that!

ClippedPhoenix · 14/01/2013 20:04

arsehold ? well come to think of it.... he clutches his tightly doesn't he.

SpottyBagOfTumble · 14/01/2013 20:07

That's sounds horrid. Yanbu to want affection and intimacy in a relationship. It doesn't have to be sex as such. It is difficult adjusting to the body changes after a baby and he should be supporting you in this, not making it worse. :(

Sidge · 14/01/2013 20:07

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you with so little respect and regard? Sad

ledkr · 14/01/2013 20:08

Cunt cunt cunt of a man!
I'd be turned off him just for his behaviour alone.
Don't dare keep trying.
Make your bedroom really nice just for you.
Show him how much you are enjoying having it to yourself.
Start to make a life if your own. See friends maybe stay at family one night with the baby.
Just carry on and don't show him you are bothered by his childish behaviour.
If he wants to wank away his nights let him get on with it the sad prat. Just enjoy yours and your baby's life if he decides to change his mind then let him grovel if he doesn't then at least you will have some pride left.

FaceLikeAPickledOnion · 14/01/2013 20:09

What did he think would happen to your body after having a baby? His perceptions have been warped by too much porn, he needs to start living in the real world.

Shutupanddrive · 14/01/2013 20:10

What a twat! Angry
So sorry your going through this OP, he sounds like a selfish bastard. Show him this thread

Tryharder · 14/01/2013 20:10

He needs a slap. I have gone from a size 10-12 to a 16 in the decade my DH and I have been together and he hasn't said a word.

How fucking dare your DH say those things! He is the one with the problem and needs to get a reality check.

apostropheuse · 14/01/2013 20:11

He is being a complete and utter arsehole. I cannot find the words to describe how much this type of man repulses me.

He is punishing your for something which is not only out of your control, but is caused by carrying and nurturing his child.

You ought to be proud of what you've done in creating this beautiful new life, and in what you are doing in nurturing that new life to the best of your ability by feeding your baby yourself.

I wouldn't be begging him to touch me, nor offering ultimatums about him having sex with me. You don't need to demean yourself in that way. He should want you just as much as before, perhaps even more.

I honestly don't know what you should do, but you certainly should not let his disgusting behaviour lower your self-esteem any more.

Keep your spirits up and don't let him undermine your self-confidence please!

ChaoticintheNewYear · 14/01/2013 20:11

He sounds like a nasty, vile twat.

He should love and respect you and it sounds like he does neither. Don't tolerate this behaviour OP you deserve better. Of course your body has changed it's grown and given birth to another human being. An amazing accomplishment on its own but even more so compared to his 2 second contribution.

Right now you're probably exhausted stating the obvious I know but when you start to feel more like yourself then have a good think about what you want in a relationship and what you deserve in a relationship, ie. a man who loves and respects you.

CocktailQueen · 14/01/2013 20:11

'Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.'

Shock How awful; what a twat. If he has been 'put off' Hmm by YOUR birth experience, how does that stop him from hugging you or kissing you properly? What a selfish twat. That makes me really cross on your behalf. And I bet his body is perfect?!

you have just had HIS baby and are feeding HIS baby. He needs to grow up and be offering YOU support. Offering him blow jobs????? No way!!!!!!!!!

Hope you get it sorted.

mrsstewpot · 14/01/2013 20:12

Firstly well done on losing the baby weight - my baby is 15 months and I've lost nothing and I'm nowhere near a size 10/12!

You should be feeling royally chuffed with yourself right now - not sad and rejected. Any changes to your body are like badges of honour. What your body went through to bring your little baby into the world. I salute and admire you.

Now, whilst it is understandable for a man to feel a little put off or even scared especially after witnessing the birth, it is quite another thing to put you down, criticize you and generally make you feel like crap.

Don't know what to advise but I would not be taking this lying down. How dare he make you feel like this!

Hope you find the courage and confidence to deal with this and gain the love, admiration, respect and intimacy you deserve.

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