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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?

153 replies

Confusedandrejected · 14/01/2013 19:48

Am a regular but have namechanged for this.

I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.

Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.

I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)

I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.

So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Twixed · 15/01/2013 00:27

we're existing on my SMP alone until I go back to work

Woa - you're supporting him financially too?? Or does he pay for his own porn??
I really feel for you, he sounds awful, you don't deserve this!

LadyBeagleEyes · 15/01/2013 00:28

Oh, I've just seen that Op.
So he doesn't work either.
Unbelievable Hmm.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2013 00:28

I find it unbearably sad that women think utter twats like this are all they can hope for.

he isn't a good dad, OP, not by a very long way

OTTMummA · 15/01/2013 00:36

Anyfucker Lately I have been quite literally pulling my hair out mouthing 'WTAF,, WHY, WHY defend the asshole?!!'

If you think this is the best you can get OP, then someone some where along the way has done a number on you, otherwise you wouldn't of ended up with this piece of shite.

Better suggestion, get yourself some therapy to rebuild your self esteem and self worth.

soontobeburns · 15/01/2013 00:38

I do agree he sounds like a dick but I also agree it could be PTSD or even PND..men can get it too.

You need to have a long chat him OP please If

Ariel24 · 15/01/2013 00:43

OP he really does sound vile, you poor thing. You say he's not all bad but how on earth does he think it's acceptable to make such cruel comments to the mother of his child when you are recovering from pregnancy and birth, and dealing with all that having a new baby brings? Selfish git. I had a baby 3 months ago, my lovely DH tells me every day how great I look, tells me my tummy looks fab, even though I see different. He tries to make me me feel good, that is what a loving DH should do. You deserve so much better.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2013 00:47

I wouldn't care if he is suffering from depression, PTSD, PND or his frontal lobe had been removed with a rusty spoon, nobody would talk to me like that and still get to share in my life.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/01/2013 00:53

When did your DH lose his job, OP?

Adversecamber · 15/01/2013 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF · 15/01/2013 09:20

What a poor excuse for a man. He is not a good dad - a good dad does not get so pissed off about being woken up by their bfeeding baby that they need to decamp to the spare room.

You say he has form for being critical of the way you look. Even if you can get over this cruelty, can you ever imagine feeling comfortable and confident with him again? Have you considered how it will make you feel in 10 years time when he is having a go because your boobs have sagged a little, or in 20-30 years time when he shows revulsion because your body is aging even more? What about when your hair goes grey?

Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of ever lowering self esteem. He just isn't worth it.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2013 09:23

No man is worth that.

SophisticatedFury · 15/01/2013 09:30

I've been through this years ago. I used to be made to leave the baby sleep in the crib downstairs and myself on the couch, just so exp could get a full night's sleep. We are no longer together.

manicbmc · 15/01/2013 09:30

He criticises your post baby body. He belittles you. He doesn't work.
He looks at porn all the time. And his one redeeming feature is that he sometimes does get up in the night.

He won't get any better, OP.

Lavenderhoney · 15/01/2013 09:48

Op, your life should not be a relentless struggle to maintain the body of a lithe 18year old who has not had children. You will also get older, is he going to comment on your wrinkles too?

You have a new baby and should be enjoying that, bf and eating pretty much what you like. Breast reduction? Is he mad? Don't let him spoil it for you. And time to yourself does not have mean pounding the pavements or going to the gym. It can mean a deep bath, chocolate, glass of wine and a book. He doesnt get to dictate you free time or influence it with his bizarre ideas of motherhood.

He should be supportive of you and tell you how fabulous you are. Tbh, if my dh spouted anything like that he would not be begged for sex etc, plus he would not be in my bed anyway.

it's a control and power thing isn't it? How he feels about your body shouldn't dictate your self esteem. Tell him to leave you alone. Don't mention sex, and maybe a date night in and a long chat might help. He needs to change though, not you!!

KenLeeeeeee · 15/01/2013 09:59

What an utter fucking jizzrag of a cunt of an excuse for a man! How very fucking dare he criticise your body THREE MONTHS after you've given birth!

OP, please do not defend him or claim he has other redeeming qualities - nothing in the world could excuse the way he is trying to justify a total lack of intimacy & affection.

DreamingofSummer · 15/01/2013 10:04

What a wonderful lot you are! The OP comes on looking for support and advice and all she gets is a thesaurus of insults to her husband.

It must be wonderful to live in black and white land

The internet at it's worse.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2013 10:06

Nope, a relationship at it's worst

manicbmc · 15/01/2013 10:09

Either the OP needs to have a proper talk with her dp and tell him his behaviour is going to change - she needs to change her behaviour too to facilitate this.

Or she needs to leave him and rebuild her self esteem. He will only get worse unless his bullying ways are challenged. I speak from experience.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/01/2013 10:46

OP has got support and advice.
The support is that everyone has said she has done an amazing thing with her body, should feel proud, and deserves to be loved properly.
The advice is to realise that nice men and good fathers do not tell their post-partum partners than their jiggly tummy is revolting and they need a breast reduction.
Why are you living on your SMP OP? Does this charmer not work?

AnyFucker · 15/01/2013 10:54

...and male behaviour at it's worst

that needs to be called for exactly what it is

Sazzle41 · 15/01/2013 11:01

Is he a 'women are either sexual or they are mothers' type ? Stretchmarks fade, your boobs will go back down eventually, you are already back to a small size... He has issues, its not you.

If this isn't symptomatic of your whole relationship (and if it is, time to reassess my love) ask him if he actually read or took on board any pregnancy info re changing body/sex after birth? Point out his body defects - loudly and often. Invent a male friend who has joined your circle of friends and loves 'yummie mummies' ..... wear lots of perfume and dress up for a 'girls night out' then come back later than estimated with a huge grin ... and start saying 'Mark' (or your fave name) says ........ Sounds lame but it worked for a friend ....

AgathaF · 15/01/2013 11:21

The thing is though Sazzle (and I know this would work for some women) the OP shouldn't have to play silly games like this. She shouldn't have to make him jealous for his attention and affection, and if that is the only way she can get attention from him, what does that say about their relationship anyway, and him generally? How is that sustainable in a long term, healthy relationship where people age, change, have good times and bad etc?

shesariver · 15/01/2013 11:22

He does have form for criticising my body and made me feel crap on several occasions, even before I was pregnant

Then the warning signs were there Im afraid! You are in a relationship and chose to have a child with someone who criticises you, why?? You can do so much better than this. So its not just pregnancy and theres no way its PTSD or whatever, hes just a nasty wee piece of filth who is into control and making his partner feel bad. Good luck if you stay with this man, you are going top need it.

carmenelectra · 15/01/2013 12:02

Bloody hell. What is there to say that has been said already?

Taking into account he may be traumatised by the birth(I'm being generous here) then fair enough. Understand not wanting sex but why the cruel remarks? No excuse for that.

Don't think my dp mad keen on pregnancy and probably didn't think childbirth was a barrel of laughs either but never once has his critiscised how I look. Sex was straight back on the agenda too. Well it was never off the agenda to be honest.

And what's with the porn and wanking in the next room. What an arsehole. Nothing wrong with porn and obviously wanking, alongside sex but instead of? And so blatant! Its like 'I don't want you, I will go and look at some birds I do like'. Vile.

He's making a mug out of you OP. While I'm not exactly saying leave him, I do wonder what the solution is. Continue to let him humiliate you until maybe you fit his ideal?

I agree with whoever said they could never take their clothes off in front of him again. Btw, I'm presuming he is a fit as fuck?

carmenelectra · 15/01/2013 12:10

dreamingofsummer, WHAT? Do you think her dp is okay then? Should she stop bf and have her breasts reuduced maybe?

Not saying he is wrong for not wanting sex or even I guess not finding her as attractive( though soon after having birth I'm a bit hmmm) but the way he is going about it!

Rude personal comments, wanking in another room(as punishment). What would. Happen is she became ill or disabled or when she gets old? Will he trade her in?

The breast reduction is ludicrous! Did he not expect them to be temporarily bigger while bf??