Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To expect BiL to stop trying to drag DH on big drinking nights out now I'm pg?

26 replies

Alias78 · 14/01/2013 15:58

DH and his older brother have always been very close. Both were really into clubbing etc when they were younger and we're both big party animals/drinkers.

Since DH and I met, he has mostly really calmed down and we've settled nicely into domestic life. He still goes out from time to time but tends not to get drunk out of his mind.

BiL has struggled to get his head round this as even though he too is married he still acts like he's single as far as I can tell - partying, drink, drugs on a regular basis. We get on OK but I've picked up on a bit if jealousy. I try to ignore it and I try to always be friendly.

We have just found out I'm expecting a baby and BiL is now constantly nagging DH to go out on big drinking nights out. It's like his last-ditch attempt to wrestle DH back off me (in his eyes). This has included trying to arrange a "boys weekend away" when we really ought to be saving for baby things, and also we're in the process of trying to buy a house and are scraping together a decent deposit, moving costs etc.

I guess it's not really the money. Its BiL's lack of respect for our relationship. DH doesn't like to say no to him because he feels guilty I think. It doesn't help that BiL and his wife are unable to have children, which I feel genuinely very sad for them about. But I'm pg, feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and need a little extra support and I want BiL to back off. AIBU??

OP posts:

Ragwort · 14/01/2013 16:00

Surely it's up to your DH to say to his brother 'thanks but we are saving up/I'm happy to stay in etc'. The fact that your DH feels guilty about saying 'no' makes him sound rather weak (or perhaps he wants to go out but is scared of saying so & therefore 'blames' his brother for encouraging him?).

Your DH is a grown man - surely he can deal with this?

BigStickBIWI · 14/01/2013 16:00

Yes, YABU.

This is his brother. He has a relationship with him that is completely different from the one that you have.

And why shouldn't he go out, just because you're pregnant?

You are being a bit precious about this, I think, and you sound old before your time!

NatashaBee · 14/01/2013 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squitten · 14/01/2013 16:05

YABU

Your BIL is entitled to ask his brother to do whatever he likes. The fault is with your DH if he is refusing to say no. It's up to you and your DH to work out your budget for all this stuff that you need and then he knows what he can and can't afford to do.

You're annoyed at the wrong person

MaxPepsi · 14/01/2013 16:05

Do you get on with your SIL?

Everytime BIL suggests a big night out, arrange to do something with SIL? Or a friend.

You should never try and come between siblings, but on the other hand a sibling should know when to back off and realise that things and people change.

BIL does sound jealous but that's for him and your DH to work out.

ihearsounds · 14/01/2013 16:05

You both need a life away from each other. Doesn't matter if you are pregnant or not. To expect him to give up any social life because you want your hand constantly held because you are pregnant, is precious.

SparklyVampire · 14/01/2013 16:06

Ill assume that since your pregnant you're not 500 years old, So why on earth are you acting like you are. You only just found out your pregnant then you have plenty of time left to get baby things.
Let him go out and have fun while he still can, (that applies to you too btw).

HazleNutt · 14/01/2013 16:07

YABU, your DH should stop going out if he doesn't want to and would rather be home supporting you.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2013 16:07

I think it's about time your H put his cojones to their secondary use

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2013 16:08

I get it. DH has a friend, since childhood, who always saw DH as his single 'fun' friend. Everyone grew up and moved on but DH didn't want to get married and have kids so the friend always had a partner in crime. It has been hard for the friend to deal with and he has a habit of calling his friends' wives no fun, boring, nagging etc. when the truth is that the men are bored with partying all night, taking drugs and flirting with teenagers. Easier to blame us women than look at his own sad and pathetic 40 year old man clubbing self.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/01/2013 16:10

Yabu.

Original poster

Alias78 · 14/01/2013 16:12

Thanks for the honest replies. It does help to get others opinions.

Maybe I need to speak to DH how I'm feeling? I did kind of get the sense I was being a bit unreasonable. It doesn't help that BiL's idea of a good night out is drinking himself into the gutter but i guess thats no reason to think DH will do the same!

I really have gone into my own shell quite a bit with this pregnancy. It's my first and I'm finding it emotionally quite overwhelming. Probably making me over-react a bit!

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 14/01/2013 16:13

YABU.

You're pregnant, it happens to thousands of people all the time. It doesn't mean you, or your DH have to stop living.
If he doesn't want to go out to play, he needs to have the balls to stand up and say so. You not wanting him to go out because you're pregnant doesn't mean he has to stop going out.

AnyFucker · 14/01/2013 16:14

You don't think your H is being a bit of a wet lettuce then ? I do. Unless he's giving you a crock of shit about not really being bothered about going out with his brother.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/01/2013 16:14

Yabu. Your DH has a voice, he can say no if he wants to.

I appreciate you may need to save now, but the best way to do that is to work out how much you want to save,and how you can achieve that. When your DH knows how much spare money he will have after savings, if any, then it's up to him how he spends it. There is really no need for his life or yours to go on hold just because you are having a baby.

I think you should bear in mind that it will be difficult for his brother and SIL when you are starting your family, so BIL is likely to need some support from your DH.

When it comes to saving for baby stuff, you have to make a distinction between the things you want and the things you need. It is not fair to make your DH stop doing things because of baby stuff you want, rather than what the baby needs if your DH isn't bothered about having extras.

sooperdooper · 14/01/2013 16:15

YABU

Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean your DH can't go out, in fact you can still go out too if you wanted to! When the baby arrives, you can still both go out and see brothers/sisters/friends too and still have a social life

Your DH doesn't have to get absolutely pissed when he goes out, and I understand why you'd want him to maybe tone down the drinking, but I don't see any reason why he shouldn't carry on having the occasional night out with his brother

I don't think he's jealous, why would he be jealous, he probably feels a bit sorry for his brother who isn't 'allowed' to have fun anymore

CaptainVonTrapp · 14/01/2013 16:19

If you feel like you need a bit of extra support from your DH (for whatever reason) he is the person to talk to about it. No point expecting your BIL to know this and stop suggesting nights out.

If you need to save money for baby stuff then DH needs to explain this to your BiL.

weeblueberry · 14/01/2013 16:21

I think if you're genuinely not worried about the financial aspect of it and are just concerned about his relationship with his brother then, yes, YABU.

However if you and your husband agreed to save every little penny for the baby/house etc then he's not exactly coming up roses...

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 14/01/2013 17:30

It sounds as if your DH and his brother are being very realistic and reasonable in realising that some stuff which they used to enjoy is about to be become much rarer when your baby arrives. If I was advising them I'd say yes, have several cracking nights out before the baby comes, just as I advise pg women to go to as many plays/concerts/fancy restaurants/parties (whatever floats their boat) as they can manage because it probably won't be happening much for the next decade year or two.

If they assumed that weekly nights out on the lash would still be happening when you had a newborn then you really would have something to complain about. Of course there is a conversation to be had about money, and you wouldn't want him to be getting drunk and incapable once you're past (say) 36 weeks, just in case.

squeakytoy · 14/01/2013 17:33

" I advise pg women to go to as many plays/concerts/fancy restaurants/parties (whatever floats their boat) as they can manage because it probably won't be happening much for the next decade year or two."

You dont know any of my friends then! They have babies and children but are more than able to go out to gigs, restaurants, even weekends away.. having a child does not mean you are physically joined to that child until it reaches puberty. You can leave them with other responsible adults and go out on your own!

HollyBerryBush · 14/01/2013 17:48

partying, drink, drugs on a regular basis.

The drugs would be the deal breaker for me.

However, like others have said, being pregnant doesnt stop your life. It is just different, but it doesnt stop you going out.

Although, to be fair to the OP I have seen friendships where the unmarried male has desperately tried to wreck a married mates relationship by trying to manipulate him into going out all the time on the grounds that babies don't require much attention and 'she' can look after it, and 'it's only a swift half'.... Your DH needs to make his own decisions, once a month fine, every Friday night completely bladdered and you will unfortunately be one of those on a Friday Night with the endless 'My DH isn't home' threads - which will provoke a different answer to the ones you are getting at the mo.

Everything in moderation.

TBH your BIL is over compensating for not having a family of his own - You might find a marked change in him when his neice/nephew arrives - I sense you don't really like him much BUT he could be invaluable to you both in the future - try enouraging him and SIL round a bit more when the baby is here. Minus the drugs of course

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 14/01/2013 17:55

I did say "probably" squeaky . Obvs if you have amenable GPs living nearby and you aren't BF on demand then it's a doddle, but if going out involves an extra fifty quid for a babysitter and a two year old jumping on your bed at 6am the next day then it's a bit more of a palaver.

Original poster

Alias78 · 14/01/2013 19:05

HollyBerry yes the drugs do make me uneasy. I'm not naive or prudish on this subject either. I like to think I'm fairly liberal! I don't dislike BiL but I do feel he doesn't know when to stop. His wife actually confided in me once that she worries about all the drinking. He also has anger issues. So he feels like a bit of a chaotic person to be around sometimes. And there is alcoholism in my family too which I was exposed to from a young age so my wariness of that probably is making me sound "old before my time" on the subject of booze too. Though I'm not trying to sound like a sob story or anything!

Having said all that I know full well my DH has been offered drugs by BiL recently and turned them down so its not like he can't say no if he wants to. I guess I need to have a bit more faith in DH!

OP posts:

Chunderella · 14/01/2013 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yfronts · 14/01/2013 20:14

I think he can still go out and have a nice time with his brother AND support you. He will need to let his hair down and have support too. Life doesn't end once you have kids.

The only thing that would make sense is being extra careful with money in preparation.

Flip

1 2