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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a teacher to acknowledge me when I help in class?

40 replies

lerump · 14/01/2013 10:26

I am a parent helper at school with several different classes, none of which my boys are in as it's school policy to help in other classes.

One of the teachers rarely acknowledges I'm there (by which I mean doesn't say a basic hello or goodbye let alone thank you) is off hand if she does speak to me and generally makes me feel unwelcome.

It's not the kids fault so I feel I should just persevere but it's getting me down. The last few occasions have been particularly bad including one where she took the class out mid session for an activity without speaking to me or telling me whether to wait for them or go home.

I don't have any problems in the other classes and I can't think of anything I've done that would cause this. She's never taught my kids so my interaction has been limited to this. Should I just stick it out?

OP posts:

mckenzie · 14/01/2013 10:29

I don't think it's fair on you at all but like you say, why should the children miss out? So either take a deep breathe and speak to her or go via the deputy head maybe.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2013 10:30

It's up to you whether you stick it out or not, I'm not sure it would make that much difference would it?

It sounds as though she doesn't want a parent helper but it's been foisted upon her.

Why not tell the Head or whoever lets you help out, that you feel unwelcome in that class and you'd rather help in another?

YorkshireDeb · 14/01/2013 10:32

No, you shouldn't have to put up with this. She should be grateful you're offering your time to help out in her class. If you particularly like that class I'd try to catch her before or after the lesson (when there's no children in) to chat to her. If you're not bothered which class you help in I'd have a word with the head & simply say she doesn't appear to want you there & could your support me more useful elsewhere. X

Eatingdoughnuts · 14/01/2013 10:32

I agree with Worra, I would just speak to the head and say you're happy to help but in another class as you just don't feel welcome in that one.

The teacher sounds a very rude individual.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/01/2013 10:33

She is being very rude I agree and would be equally fed up. The only things I can think of are that she is a rude lady with poor social skills and or that she feels a bit uncomfortable about having a parent in class with her but has been told that she must.
I am a teacher myself and must admit I sometimes feel self conscious when I have parents in class, not that I would dream of being rude to them of course. If I were you I would stop doing it or ask to move classes although I can understand why that would be awkward.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/01/2013 10:33

It's entirely up to you if you want to stick it out. Some teachers seem to be awful at dealing with parents, but at the same time can be great with the children.

Obviously she should show basic manners and say hello and thank you just out of courtesy, and I don't think she is showing her class a very good example.

Can you just stop helping that class and continue with the others?

If the teacher still needs help, she will ask for it.

Conflugenglugen · 14/01/2013 10:34

Why don't you speak to the Head and to the teacher in question directly? You might be able to sort it out that way.

SecondhandRose · 14/01/2013 10:35

I had same problem, she made me so uncomfortable, I left.

CaptChaos · 14/01/2013 10:36

What an awful example she is setting for her class!

Can you speak to her and ask her politely why she has been behaving like this? If not, speak to the head or whoever you liaise with and ask whether this is the teacher's normal behaviour towards people who help her, or if it is specific to you.

Sleepysand · 14/01/2013 10:39

Speak to the head or another teacher about it - she may just be shy or even not know who you really are! Teachers are a funny bunch of misfits. Don't take it personally!!!

Original poster

lerump · 14/01/2013 10:41

Thanks for all the replies. I think the problem is I'm not very confident after being at home so long so would find it difficult to bring it up and wouldn't feel able to leave unless I had a valid reson. I actually started helping to try and improve my confidence funnily enough, and in general it has.

I do think she probably doesn't want a helper but we have a new key stage leader who is pushing it. It's just hard when you feel like you're in the way - she gives me no instructions on what to do then huffs if things aren't how she wants them and has even snatched the reading list off me in front of the kids as she wanted to read with them while I was! She loses her temper a lot and I think she doesn't want a parent to witness it.

OP posts:

Eatingdoughnuts · 14/01/2013 10:42

why shouldn't the OP take it personally Sleepysand? It's rude behaviour. Just because teachers are a "funny bunch" it doesn't mean that rudeness is acceptable and everyone should just accept it.

Fakebook · 14/01/2013 10:42

That's strange. Surely if the teacher doesn't want help she'd tell the head she doesn't want it? I may be wrong.

Is there anything you're doing that may be annoying the teacher? Personal hygiene problems? Taking over things too much? Do you talk to the teacher and ask for a lesson plan? Is she an older more traditional teacher? All sounds very strange.

Eatingdoughnuts · 14/01/2013 10:43

Lerump, she sounds really horrible. I think it will help your confidence even further if you refuse to tolerate it. Speak to the head teacher, tell them that you won't put up with that kind of behaviour and in future you won't be helping out in that class. You don't have to get into any confrontations with the teacher, but you can refuse to be part of her games.

Sleepysand · 14/01/2013 10:47

I suppose what I meant by "don't take it personally" is that the OP shouldn't feel bad about it, this teacher is probably equally odd with everyone. Sort of "It's not you, it's them". I say they are a funny bunch as a teacher myself - honestly as a group their social skills are poor.

Take it up with the head, OP. They are bloody lucky to have you! It sounds like she is failing and needs more support for the good of the students in there, so whistle blowing is all the more necessary.

PlateSpinningAtAllTimes · 14/01/2013 10:48

FWIW, I'm a teacher and always try to at least thank parent helpers each time they come in, no matter how rushed off my feet I am. She sounds either rude or maybe awkward around adults? However dealing with parents and other adults is pretty essential in the profession - she needs to get over it!

Original poster

lerump · 14/01/2013 10:48

Fakebook - I have thought endlessly if I have done something but can't think of anything. She's new to the school and middle aged, I wouldn't say boo to a goose so very much do what I'm asked, just reading generally with a few kids quietly in the corner and just turn up and get on with it. I'm clean, neat and respectful so it isn't that. I've missed a couple of sessions as my boys were ill but left a message to let her know so hoping it isn't something as simple as that.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2013 10:52

Perhaps she lacks the confidence to talk to you too and sees your lack of confidence as rudeness also?

There's no excuse for lack of basic manners, but trying to see it from her POV it must be annoying to have an inexperienced, shy parent forced upon her in the classroom.

Some teachers positively welcome an extra pair of hands but some see it as an 'invasion' of their workplace.

ShatnersBassoon · 14/01/2013 10:53

I have a similar issue in one of the classes I volunteer in. The teacher does speak to me, but I've never been thanked in the three years I've helped her out. I feel a bit insulted that my time and effort are taken for granted. I feel obliged to go and I like spending time with the children, but every week I come away feeling like a mug.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/01/2013 10:59

OP I'm sure you are not doing anything wrong, you have said that the school is pushing this as an idea so chances are this teacher did not ask for help in the first place. She sounds a bit like dds teacher who can be very offhand/rude to children and parents alike but who is basically a good teacher.

Fakebook · 14/01/2013 11:00

I think she senses your unconfidence or shyness and misinterprets it as arrogance. It's happened to me loads of times where people have told me they thought I was stuck up for not talking, when I've just been too shy to speak up.

She also sounds like she's set in her ways and doesn't want anyone in her way. Try to stand up for yourself. You're an adult, not a pupil and you don't deserve to be treated rudely like that.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/01/2013 11:01

Exactly worra. That was what I was trying to say but less succintly.

Startail · 14/01/2013 11:01

YANBU
I used to hear readers for the whole of one morning (while DD2 was in pre school).

No acknowledgement and no coffee, teacher just sent me more DCs while she swanned off to the staff room.

In the years that followed I discovered it was nothing personal. Despite having advanced teacher status and being great with most DCs, I was far from the only parent who found her absolutely hopeless with adults.

Conversely the HT and the other teacher I've help with things were great.

Original poster

lerump · 14/01/2013 11:03

Worra - thank that's an interesting point, I hadn't thought she might be lacking in confidence as she seems so overbearing. I'm shy but not inexperienced as have lots of kids and helped previously with older ones, have just had a break with the younger ones for a while. I suppose I'm confident in my ability to help, just not confident in the sense of someone who arrives saying hello loudly and treating the teacher like an old friend like many do here. Perhaps she does misread my shyness though.

Shatners- I think you summed up a bit how I feel - I am quite happy to help the kids and don't want great thanks but I come home feeling deflated.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2013 11:07

It can be interesting at parent's evening when some of the most experienced teachers can be seen visibly shaking and going dry in the mouth when talking to parents...yet they're completely different with the kids.

Unless they're just like that with me???

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