To be fuming at DP because I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed?

[BunFagFreddie]

I've just stopped smoking and I'm having trouble getting to sleep. I can only nod off if I have the TV or radio on. I can't fall asleep with earphones as the they are uncomfortable.

DP is a light sleeper and he has to turn the TV or radio off. He always does this just as I'm drifting off, so then I wake up and I have to go and sleep downstairs. By then I'm pissed off and I can't get back to sleep. Sometimes I'm not getting to sleep until 5:00am. Once again I'm on the bloody sofa and wide awake. I'm so pissed off. Apparently he can't sleep on the sofa, because he is a light sleeper. I can't get to sleep now because I'm really angry. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow and I'm the one who has got to get up in the morning. He's even got a day off tomorrow, cheeky fucker.

To be fair, he is a light sleeper. You can't even fart without waking him up. If it's not the TV or radio he moans about me fidgeting, snoring, talking in my sleep and I end up having to sleep on the bloody sofa. Apparently I have to sleep on the sofa because I'm short and I'm a heavy sleeper once I've drifted off.

I'm honestly worried that this could potentially break our relationship. I've slept on this bloody sofa every 'school night' for ages and I'm very, very resentful. I actually miss my bed. He's a nice bloke in most respects, but I feel this is taking the piss.

AIBU to be fuming about this? I just want to be able to drift off in the most comfortable way in my own bed. Arghhh!

I have a pillow with speakers in it. It is not entirely silent to dh but better than headphones.

www.soundasleeppillow.co.uk/

You need to sort out your rooms. You obviously need separate rooms because of your completely polar opposite requirements for sleep and you are putting barriers up as to why you can't do this.

I can understand not sleeping in your office, that makes sense. But what about this "back room" that gets chilly? Either move your office into it, or sort out the "getting chilly" part and use that one. And don't faff around with a sofa bed, get a proper bloody bed!

DH and I sleep in separate rooms and have done since DS1 was born. I much prefer it that way because he kicks, farts, has "episodes" (waking dreams, like sleepwalking without the walking), prefers to sleep under just a duvet (I prefer sheet, blanket and duvet) and generally keeps me awake. He also likes a much softer bed than I do (and yes I know you can get individual sides of the bed done to different softness but that doesn't alter the other problems). I also like to read in bed to put myself to sleep - the light keeps him awake. So we sleep separately and everyone is happier that way. I have my own double bed (just as well now DS2 is here and I'm co-sleeping with him, as I did with DS1). Why not?

OP, for someone giving up smoking, I think you're being delightfully reasonable.

I think your other half is being rather obstructive. Yes, it's not normal to need a tv/radio on to sleep, blah blah blah, okay, we've covered that. The important bit for me is that HE'S not normal for waking you up if you fidget or make any noise whatsoever in your sleep, he's a selfish twat for doing that to you. I'd go ape if my husband woke me up. In fact, the only time my husband wakes me up is when I'm clearly distressed and having a nightmare, where he'll rock the bed a bit to disturb me so I come round. If I am proper upset, he'll give me cuddles, but if I 'self settle' and go back to sleep, so does he. This is what nice people do.

So, in my view, your other half is being horrendously unreasonable in feeling like he has the right to wake you up if you are disturbing his sleep. The more mature response would be to quietly go off elsewhere to sleep. He will not do this. It's almost like he believes he is more important than you. Is there any truth in this? Is this why he would not be quiet during the day so you could nap?

Who would be paying for a new bed for the spare room to provide a much better sleeping solution for you - would this come from joint expenditure or from personal savings? I know if my DH ever goes all 1950s on me and 'puts his foot down' I just reach for my little personal savings bundle and get what I wanted to get anyway. I'm probably lucky in that situation, but I refuse to let anyone else dictate to me how money will be spent - especially if it's joint. Joint money, joint decision.

If it's just become a problem since giving up smoking, it's temporary, so there's no point in spending a lot of money doing up the back room. Those speaker pillows are quite good - DH has one and I can't hear it at all.

We're in a similar situation at the moment. I've had a filthy cold and have taken up snoring, so as it's me causing the problem I've decamped to the spare bed. Fine so far, except that the spare bed belongs to a friend and he needs it back tomorrow. I'll be on the not-ever-so-comfy sofa bed until I stop snoring. It won't be forever.

Is he being an arse because he works out of the home whereas you work at home and can possibly nap in the day?

Just trying to figure out why he's so opposed to a reasonable solution. It's weird.

I had the soundasleep pillow as well but as it's not washable I now have something similar to this

www.johnlewis.com/230519298/Product.aspx?s_kwcid=ppc_pla&tmad=c&tmcampid=73&pup_ptid={adwords_producttargetid}&pup_kw={keyword}&pup_c={adtype}

Congratulations on giving up smoking :)

Agree that what you actually need is separate bedrooms as you are so different.

But I would also urge you not to get hooked on tv/radio to fall asleep. It may cause you long term health problems by interfering with the quality of your sleep.

My DMV started doing this when she was menopausal and it's fucked up her sleep ever since, contributing to other problems.

Maybe speak to your GP or look at relaxation/meditation etc. Sorry I don't have a huge amount of advice on that.

Again well done on giving up smoking, keep it up.

Thumbwitch Mon 14-Jan-13 10:03:20
You need to sort out your rooms. You obviously need separate rooms because of your completely polar opposite requirements for sleep and you are putting barriers up as to why you can't do this.

I can understand not sleeping in your office, that makes sense. But what about this "back room" that gets chilly? Either move your office into it, or sort out the "getting chilly" part and use that one. And don't faff around with a sofa bed, get a proper bloody bed!

This. You have a practical problem. Don't make it emotional.

Why not get a futon? Folds up but more comfortable than a sofa bed.

Her husband is being equally unreasonable as even when there's no tv or radio on, and despite wearing ear plugs he still thinks she's making too much noise and she's relegated to the sofa. Ridiculous. I would never see my partner sleeping on the sofa every night, its just ridiculous.

Since you have the space OP I would turn the other room into your bedroom. Get a comfy proper bed. His solution to your non-compatible sleeping habits is to have you sleep on the sofa every night? Bollocks to that quite frankly!

There's lots of comments about you needing the TV on not being normally and BU. but I think his level of light sleeping isn't normal. So even when you don't have any tv on and you're asleep, you moving in bed or farting (?!) will wake him? Even with his ear plugs in? See I don't think that's normal and him waking you and making you go downstairs because of his light sleeping isn't fair. In this situation HIBU.

Also, why can't you nap today just because he's off work? If you're tired just go to bed whether he thinks you should nap or not

I thought about you last night Freddie. Dh was snoring like a fog horn, I got so annoyed I shouted at him "turn over" and I was shocked to find he did it, in his sleep LOL. So I didn't have to leave the room. I hope you got some sleep too.

purrpurr DP is generally very laid back and a nice bloke. I think he expects the special treatment because of his issues with sleep. I don't want him to go to sleep every night whilst I have the radio on. However, he has a kingsize bed, with a new memory foam matress to himself and I'm on the sofa. This is what peeves me the most about things.

And yes, I literally have woken him up by farting on a few occasions.

I slept today (in the bed - yay!), so I'm not working tonight, through the night. This means that I'll be sleeping in the bed tomorrow during the day. The nature of my work means that I'll have Skype meetings from time to time with people from different time zones, so my working day is all over the place and I keep funny hours anyway.