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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming at DP because I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed?

89 replies

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 01:41

I've just stopped smoking and I'm having trouble getting to sleep. I can only nod off if I have the TV or radio on. I can't fall asleep with earphones as the they are uncomfortable.

DP is a light sleeper and he has to turn the TV or radio off. He always does this just as I'm drifting off, so then I wake up and I have to go and sleep downstairs. By then I'm pissed off and I can't get back to sleep. Sometimes I'm not getting to sleep until 5:00am. Once again I'm on the bloody sofa and wide awake. I'm so pissed off. Apparently he can't sleep on the sofa, because he is a light sleeper. I can't get to sleep now because I'm really angry. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow and I'm the one who has got to get up in the morning. He's even got a day off tomorrow, cheeky fucker.

To be fair, he is a light sleeper. You can't even fart without waking him up. If it's not the TV or radio he moans about me fidgeting, snoring, talking in my sleep and I end up having to sleep on the bloody sofa. Apparently I have to sleep on the sofa because I'm short and I'm a heavy sleeper once I've drifted off.

I'm honestly worried that this could potentially break our relationship. I've slept on this bloody sofa every 'school night' for ages and I'm very, very resentful. I actually miss my bed. He's a nice bloke in most respects, but I feel this is taking the piss.

AIBU to be fuming about this? I just want to be able to drift off in the most comfortable way in my own bed. Arghhh!

OP posts:

YorkshireDeb · 14/01/2013 01:45

YANBU. You need to talk to him about why his solution isn't working for you & come up with a new plan together for how you can get through this. Maybe you could head up to bed am hour before him & go to sleep watching telly & he can turn it off when he comes up? X

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 01:46

is there no spare room or could you share with the dcs?

tbh in your situation unless there is a spare room i would invest in a good quality sofa bed and have that as either his or your bed permanently. the person who goes to bed earlier would have the bedroom, unless the stayer upper was happy to vacate the living room every night when early sleeper wanted to sleep.

MidnightMasquerader · 14/01/2013 01:50

YANBU to be pissed off - sleep is crucial.

But I had an ex who needed the TV on, or something else, to get to sleep and it kept me awake and drove me spare.

You probably need separate beds, or even rooms. I'm not sure what to suggest as a compromise. :(

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 01:52

your dp could try ear plugs and a sleeping mask and you could try headphones to see if that helps.

Original poster

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 01:53

I am looking at getting a sofa bed, but the spare room is also my office. I really don't want to be sleeping where I work. I could put it in the back room, but it gets chilly in there.

I also know that I'm the one who's going to be sleeping on the sofa bed. That pisses me off.

My sleep pattern is now completely fucked because of this. I work for myself, so I shall probably get on with some work now, because I'm so riled I'll not be able to sleep for ages. Then I'll have to wake up at 7:00 to make sure teenage Ds drags himself to school. By then I'll be fucked as usual after 2 hours sleep, but worst of all DP will be home. I won't be able to go back to sleep because he'll be doing lots of jobs round the house, which I wish he wouldn't fucking well do on a work day.

Sorry to rant and swear, but I'm so angry and sleep deprived.

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 01:57

why will you have to be the one sleeping on the sofa bed?

Original poster

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 02:01

I've already mentioned to DP that we might need to sleep apart. He asked me if I would get a sofa bed, to which I replied "Yes, that would be a good idea."

He said "You should do what you feel drawn to."

Anyway, the upshot was that he didn't think he would be able to sleep on a sofa bed. Tbh I could, but I would be really jealous and peeved that he had the bedroom.

OP posts:

amazingmumof6 · 14/01/2013 02:10

tough one, see if I'm the one to give you advice

I've had the last 8 +months bf DD in bed at night, lying down, so just not enough room, so DH was sleeping in kids bedroom with DS4 & DS5- very useful for when DS5 wakes up, he can quickly get him to sleep, plus I could carry on bf at night - but he was moaning about wanting to go back to his bed.
I said tough cookies...love him but DD is priority (she had problems with feeding &slow weight gain, so got a bit overprotective, sue me)

we reshuffled the sleeping arrangements over Christmas, oldest 4 now have moved into the loft, DS5 on his own - just until DD is one, then she'll move in with him - but when he wakes up I'm woken up too (noise, light, DH swearing coz he's got to get out of bed to sort him...)

we are back in marital bed, DD in cot and she's mine to sort at night, plus bf in bed still, very uncomfortable and getting tricky as sh'e learnt to crawl...

biggest problem is that he's snoring so he wakes us up both, DD does sleep for 8 hrs sometimes, or would if not woken up, but when she does I have to sort it, so also very resentful of situation.
I'm cold even with 3 blankets - plus my boob's out when bf so gets v cold, but he's too hot, so turns heating down. constant battle

I want him out, but he refuses. I can't sleep on the sofa or kids' bed - just not safe for baby.

so I end up doing this, (mumsnet or playing tetris) while DD is sleeping in my arms till crazy o'clock - then I have a very restless few hours' sleep and try to make up for it by having naps (also stressful, have to give early lunch to DS5 and DD, coordinate their sleeping time and I also worry about missing alarm and being late for school pick up)

plus I'm groggy all evening, get f all done, up all night, exhausted.
question is why should he sleep in our bed and I'm up all night, or sleep really badly, then suffer in the day - when I sleep really well without him even if woken by DD wanting to bf?

he wanted for us to sleep next to each other (as it is lovely, right and reasonable) but I'm not in bed, so that's not happening anyway!!

I'm not ready to stop bf, so resent DH big time.

sorry for venting, selfish me, hardly helpful....

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 02:10

i would be peeved too. i dodnt see why you should be the one doing all the giving up. i think he needs to be prepared to try things too.

have you tried earphones? has he tried ear plugs and eye mask?

SquinkiesRule · 14/01/2013 02:13

To be honest I can't sleep if the TV or radio is on and I'm a pretty normal sleeper not light.
If this is a daily thing, then maybe she should take turns with you sleeping elsewhere.
When Dh was too loud (snores like a train when stressed and overtired) I would go and sleep in the other bed in Dd's room and leave him to snore alone.
You defiantly need to invest in a second bed somewhere in the house, but you also can't be pissed at him for not sleeping through the TV or radio, you don't like headphone he doesn't want earplugs, you are as bad as each other.

HavingALittleFaithBaby · 14/01/2013 02:14

Can't he sleep with ear plugs in? DH has trouble sleeping, I'm a light sleeper so he watches stuff on the iPad with headphones in, I put earplugs in and a black out mask on til he's done.

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 02:15

even one earphone in one ear so the one you are lying on isn't uncomfortable.

i also fall asleep far quicker with tv or radio on and i have a terrible body clock so anything that helps is a blessing for me. i understand your POV but also his. my dsis is a very light sleeper so uses eye mask and ear plugs.

StuntGirl · 14/01/2013 02:16

Well I don't think its fair that either of you should be pushed out of your own bedroom. You need to try and find a compromise as has been suggested above. If you try and go to bed earlier, or using headphones, and he tries a sleep mask (which are bloody wonderful by the way) or earplugs then you can try and work from there. If neither of you are interested in a compromise then that's the bigger issue, rather than sleep.

I have to say if he's such a light sleeper that normal, quiet noises wake him then earplugs should really be the minimum he should be trying to do for his own sake as much as a compromise.

Original poster

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 02:17

amazingmumof6. I salute you, I would be a jibbering wreck with all of that going on. I hope you get something sorted, because sleep is so important.

Booyhoo. I've tried earphones, but I just can't get comfortable with them. DP already has earplugs at night, as every little noise wakes him up. He says he can't get to sleep with an eye mask.

I am going to have a chat with him tomorrow and say that we need to get that sofa bed asap and work out fair sleeping arrangements. I'm fine with sleeping apart, as we can still have some 'quality time' before we go to sleep.

OP posts:

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 14/01/2013 02:18

i have had problems sleeping for years. i cant sleep without listening to my ipod, as dh snores and when he's not, i find the silence deafening.

i wear an eye mask, and i have ear plugs. the best ones to get imo are from ebay, yellow, and say "E-A-R Classic" on the packet. we last got a job lot of 52 packs and they are lasting ages. as for listening to music, i have problems with the normal types of headphones (they do blooming hurt!) and i use "jmc marshmallow" ones... which you can also buy from ebay for £7. they fit snuggly and block out any extra sound. i can also lay on my ear and still be comfy.

sorry i cant link, but im on my phone. if you need links just ask and ill post them tomorrow

StuntGirl · 14/01/2013 02:20

Could you do something to make the back bedroom warmer and put a large sofa bed in there? That way whichever one of you wakes in the night can shuffle off to another bed for some rest.

The very fact he won't even sleep on the sofa when he knows he has the day after off seems very selfish.

StuntGirl · 14/01/2013 02:22

x post.

If he has earplugs how can your radio disturb him? Ambient light from the tv I can understand as being a distraction, but a radio playing quietly while you're wearing ear plugs shouldn't be so bad.

Original poster

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 02:22

Thanks for that David Tennant I just found the ear phones on eBay and bought some. DP gets those yellow ear plugs already.

I was going to sleep earlier than DP, but stopping smoking has really disrupted my sleep. Hopefully it will settle back down. Thanks for practical advice for everyone. Sofa bed backup, chat with DP and new comfy earplugs for ipod.

OP posts:

Original poster

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 02:24

Apparently it still bothers him StuntGirl. He must have super hearing. I can't stand silence when I'm trying to get to sleep. I actually wake up if the noise stops. Different strokes for different folks I suppose.

OP posts:

JusticeCrab · 14/01/2013 02:25

Considering separate bedrooms is definitely the way forward here. Neither of you has unreasonable sleep needs; you're just different. I do think you need to swallow any potential or actual jealousy of him having the bed in the bedroom, but I speak as someone who can sleep on a padded windowsill if I need to, so perhaps I'm being judgey.

StuntGirl · 14/01/2013 02:26

I hope you can get some sleep freddie, sleep deprivation is the worst.

Have you tried any sleeping remedies as a short term solution 'til your sleeping habits settle? My boyfriend swears by malt drinks at night, and some other friends of mine swear by a herbal sleeping tablet from Boots. I have yet to find something that helps me get a good night's sleep, but they seem to work for other people!

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 02:30

how about instead of a sofa bed, getting an actual bed and making the back room your bedroom so you wont be resentful of him having the bed. i know a couple who have this arangement due to snoring. they each have their own room and it works very well for them.

if you have space i would go for that option. and work out a way to get the room to be warmer so it is really a proper bedroom not just a necessary evil IYSWIM.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 14/01/2013 02:31

you're welcome. i hope they work for you

Original poster

BunFagFreddie · 14/01/2013 02:32

I've just decided that I'm fine with having the back room. It gets a bit chilly in the winter but it's lovely in the summer, very Zen and calming in there. A couple of duvets and I'll be toasty!

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 14/01/2013 02:35

yay!

excuse to decorate and have a room exactly to your own taste aswell! that would mean loads of cushions for me . exp hated them all. i bought loads when he moved out

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