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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A little advice needed

26 replies

glittertree · 13/01/2013 15:38

Hi everyone I have posted here before but didn't get too many replies...I really need some advice I don't know what to do ....my mother in law has a terminal illness understandably she wants to spend as much time with her grandchild...but without sounding heartless she wants him every day the thing is I want to do things with my child as well and I feel I have to step back because she expects him to be doing these things with her....then she comes out with snidey comments if I do things with him such as oh it does you good to get out with him(as if I don't do anything at all) then she gets huffy if I do go out with him because she wants him....she spends most afternoons and evenings at our house ....the thing is I feel suffocated and I feel mean if I feel annoyed with her.....it's got to the stage he is starting to call her mummy what do I do am I being unreasonable ....she is dying but I am struggling with snide remarks such as did you feed him enough etc? And I need my time with him...sorry if its a ramble

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 13/01/2013 15:41

What is your husband's take on this?

Original poster
glittertree · 13/01/2013 15:42

My husband doesn't see what the problem is ?

OP posts:
Alambil · 13/01/2013 15:45

is she in the final stages? I think "suck it up" personally. It must be hard to hear the comments but she's probably terrified and it may be coming out in that fashion.

Explain to your child that "that's nanny" or whatever when he calls her mummy and get on with it; let her enjoy her last days in this world with the ones she loves - you'll have the rest of forever to "do things" with him

Can't you do some of these activities together?

Original poster
glittertree · 13/01/2013 15:46

I agree ...I should just get on with it ...it's just been a bit hard ..

OP posts:
Alambil · 13/01/2013 15:51

it must be extremely hard for everyone, especially adding in fear and grief, but try to step back occasionally and think "lasting memories for DC, nice times for MIL, not forever"

DeckSwabber · 13/01/2013 15:51

I completely understand that you want to do your own parenting. I might also be concerned that your child is going to lose his grandmother so needs to not be developing a huge reliance on her.

I think you need to gently challenge her if she gets huffy with you. Make sure she knows how pleased you are that they have this bond, and that she wants to spend time with him, but he is your child and this time is special for you, too.

Could she help in other ways, such as making tea or looking after him while you work?

bakingaddict · 13/01/2013 15:51

I was going to suggest you all doing things together too....I dont know how much energy your MIL at this stage has but could you go to soft play one day, coffee and cake another musuem, park etc.

It may be nice to plan activities for her like this as it will give your MIL something to look forward to rather than dwelling on what will be inevitable.

TotallyEggFlipped · 13/01/2013 15:53

How terminal is MIL? If she has weeks, then suck it up, but if she has months to years that's a different situation. Also, how old is DS?

Original poster
glittertree · 13/01/2013 15:53

Hi everyone the the thing is we include her in everything we do with him as we'll including weekends baths play areas etc...I think that's why I am finding it hard...she is still fit and well thankfully ...

OP posts:
Frikadellen · 13/01/2013 15:56

Make a schedule. This is when I have open slots that suits for you to have ds. Would you like to?

If not then no go. your child you dont need to ask to spend time wth him. You can be generous and allow mil plenty of access to him though if you wish.. smiles

OxfordBags · 13/01/2013 16:00

I want to reiterate what DeckSwabber picked up on - if he is seeing her loads every single day, when she does die, it could be hugely upsetting and confusing for him, as he will have become totally used to her being around so much. Your DH needs to see that side of things too. When she is gone, her memories and emotions stop, but the pain caused to your DS of such a huge part of his daily routine being abruptly stripped away will continue. If he's calling her Mummy in confusion, then he is clearly at an age where he will not be able to understand why 'that nice old lady' has suddenly stopped seeing him. If she truly does love him, she needs to think about his needs now and after her death.

Also, although I have every sympathy with her, it is no excuse for her to be snide with you and you have every right to politely nip it in the bud. What you do with him, where you go and what you feed him are one of her concern outside of pleasant conversation. She cannot reverse her diagnosis by turning back the clock and making herself the mother again.

It does sound a bit like she has fixated on seeing your DS as a coping strategy and then being bitchy to you to vent her bad feelings onto. As hard as this must be for her, she cannot prevent the inevitable by trying to take over your DH and his life, nor should she be allowed to, ultimately for her own sake as much as anybody's. I think some counselling for her to deal with this horrible burden would be much more appropriate and helpful for all of you than just letting her take over your son and your time with him.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2013 16:03

But she isn't fit and well. She just looks it. She is terminally ill.

This isn't going to go on forever. Coping with a relatives terminal illness isn't easy,it's really really hard. I don't think it necessarily brings out the best in anybody involved at times,because we're human not perfect.

I think perhaps a set few days a week would be better for you. You might want to bear in mind that this is your DH's mother and he may well want to spend this time with her too though.

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2013 16:09

How old is your son OP?

Isityouorme · 13/01/2013 16:26

How long does she have? How old is your DS?

YANBU, it's sounds awful but if she has weeks to live then ..... Keep calm and drink wine!

Original poster
glittertree · 13/01/2013 16:57

My son is 2 and my mother in law could have quite a while yet no one knows it could be up to a yr

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2013 17:02

A year isn't that long and I imagine there will a steady then more rapid decline in her health before her death.

As she declines she will be less able to spend active time with your son,if she goes into a hospice even less time would be spend with him because they have set visiting hours and there will be other terminally ill people to consider.

You're probably looking at 6 months max of having to "share" your son with her.

DeckSwabber · 13/01/2013 17:05

I'm sorry for your situation. It must be hard for all of you.

I wonder if you could use the excuse of meeting other mums as a reason for taking your son out yourself. Join a class/group. Tell your son and MiL that's your special time.

DeckSwabber · 13/01/2013 17:07

... I meant to say,that is also something that you can carry on with as your MiL is less able to help, providing a bit of continuity.

poachedeggs · 13/01/2013 17:10

We lost MIL 3 months ago. Enjoy the time, especially while she's well enough to enjoy it herself. Don't tolerate nasty comments but look on the positives. This isn't forever and while she may be around for a good while she may also not be well enough to cope with children for long. In our case the medication had a negative effect on her ability to care for DC.

I know it's hard but from this perspective all I can say is be generous with your time because it's the most important thing for your MIL.

HappyNewHissy · 13/01/2013 17:18

I think balance and perspective is needed.

Of course you have to allow her to see your DS, but you DO have the right to a routine outside of that.

Have a chat with her that you are trying to do the right thing by everyone and that a varied life for DS is necessary, that you will take lots of photos so that she can share the moments that she is not physically with you, and tell her that you WILL include her in everything as much as you can.

Don't tolerate nasty comments, from anyone. State that it'd be a shame if her legacy with you was snipy and snarky comments when you ARE trying to accommodate everyone here.

be honest with her, be straight and true to your word.

scaredbutexcited · 13/01/2013 17:42

YANBU. She is important but so are you and so is your DS.

You need to find a balance for everyone's benefit.

There has to be some time in the week when you have quality alone time with your DS. There should also be time for just you, your DS and your DH.

Does she not have anyone else? Can she join a support group? Does she have any friends or other relatives?

I totally understand why this is hard for you. Your DH needs to see this too. I think it is really important to try and get this through to him as this is something you need to deal with together.

You could also perhaps give relate/Macmillan a call for help in how to deal with her? Good Luck.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2013 17:46

She'd be dying a bit sooner than expected if she tried to poach my baby Angry

Before you say "how would you feel if it was your mother", my mother was lovely but she died before she ever saw any grandchildren, and MIL was also lovely but died when her DGCs were very small. I am not unsympathetic to relatives with terminal diseases (indeed, I realise that one day I may well be one). But she can't use a real live child as a comforter. He's a person with needs too.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 13/01/2013 17:52

YANBU - you are being tolerant, understanding and generous.

Your MIL is trying to grab every moment she can with her GS while she can & it's a sad & difficult situation :(

However, your son is only going to be this age once and you are entitled to enjoy it as well. I think you should have a few activities planned with DS where you are not available (swimming, music, tumble tots, time at friends etc). She can still see him several times a week, just not every day - that is not reasonable.

You just never know how long someone will have - my G was told 1 year, we lost him within 8 weeks; my G2 was told 6 months, we had him 1 year. Some people do 'go' quite quickly all of a sudden, some are 'ill' for ages. Sadly you just don't know how things will go. There has to be a balance of 'she wont be here forever' and 'we still have to get on with our lives' :(

You need to speak with your DH or show him this thread - he needs to understand you pov. It's OK for him, he's not there all the time and it's his Mum.

Original poster
glittertree · 13/01/2013 18:11

Thank you for all your kind messages...I will try harder to be more tolerant although I feel I have been there for her in everyway possible from hospital appointments to involving her as much as I can...it's not that I don't want to share my son and I hope that I don't sound selfish I just need some time for us as a family..
.it's so hard for everyone involved there are times where I just cry about this because I have so many emotions and guilt is one of them for feeling the way I do....
I know she won't be here forever and none of us really know how long ...I also have thought of how harder it might be if my little boy starts to really depend on her and not me...anyway thanks again I have no one to discuss this with its a very delicate matter x

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 13/01/2013 18:30

glitter you are allowed to think of yourself as well as your mil. I think having a couple of days a week that are just for you,your DP and DS is fine. It is selfish but not horrible selfish iyswim? It's a normal thing to want.

There should be no reason for you DS to depend on her more than you. You are his mum,you look after him day and night,feed him. Don't over think him accidentally calling her Mummy once or twice,it was an accident. At two I used to call random men I saw in the street Daddy if my Dad was in work. My mum used to get very embarrassed! But I always knew who my Dad actually was.

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