AIBU or is DH - we seem to have totally different approaches to parenting and I didn't see this coming

[PenelopeChipShop]

Am a bit scared of posting in here but I really need other opinions / perspective and can't exactly moan about this at the NCT group. Our DS1 is 6 months old and lately DH and I seem to disagree all the time on how to handle him, mainly his sleep rather than anything else. He's not a good sleeper - settles fairly well in his cot in his room at 7pm then needs a feed between 10 and 11, then one at about 1am, then he wakes every 1.5 to 2 hours needing resettling (9 times out of 10 this is with a feed) until he's up for the day at around 5.30 or 6am. Although this is tough I gather its fairly typical for his age? On week nights I do all the night time duty as DH works full time - I guess this is reasonable. However in practice I get up on weekend nights as well and DH only helps if DS won't settle - I think this just evolved because he always seemed to need feeding above anything else and he is ebf. We did try to introduce bottles of expressed milk early but he never really took to them and I struggled to find time to express every day so that DH could try bottles regularly, with the result that he now doesn't 'get' them at all. I'm working on introducing cups but that wouldn't be practical for night feeds yet so I have to do them. I am happy with this as bf-ing has always worked well for me and I enjoy it.
The problem I suppose is that DH seems unhappy with how we/ I have managed things - he thinks ds is too reliant on me, that I feed him too often in the night, shouldn't let him fall asleep on the boob at 7pm as he isn't learning to self settle, and that we should be giving at least a bottle of formula a day, ideally late at night so ds will sleep longer. I don't have a problem with that last one at all but it just isn't working out as he doesn't do bottles. Dh also thinks I should be starting to wean him off the boob in general but I don't think either of us are ready. What we are rowing over is how to soothe ds when he is really fractious - I generally start with a cuddle but inevitably he will ask for a comfort feed and I always give it - I have always fed on demand, it's just what feels right to me. DH thinks I indulge him. I think that comfort is just as good a reason to feed as hunger. Last night this came to a head with DH physically barring me from approaching the cot and picking ds up as he cried. He said he knew I would feed him and that he was 'putting his foot down' and that I couldn't feed him til his 'average' time of 10.30pm (it was about an hour to wait). Admittedly I don't think ds was hungry from his cry but I wanted to comfort him as I thin he was teething - after giving the usual remedies he likes to suck to relax. DH insisted on just picking up and putting down until he cracked at about 10.20 and 'allowed' me to feed ds. By then he was completely worked up and wouldn't settle even after the feed - we were up til 1am which is v unusual. All exhausted today. I know his wakefulness might not be entirely down to DH's intervention as he is teething too but it certainly didn't help. DH thinks I am being controlling in not letting him try to comfort ds himself. I am outraged that he prevented me from feeding ds when I felt he needed it resulting in a very upset baby. This is sad in a way as we are not trying to do our best but I saw a very controlling, domineering side to him last night that I have literally never seen before - he is usually a very easy going, gentle person. So Was I being unreasonable not to give him a chance to help last night without interfering? Or should he not have made me go against my instincts to feed? I just find it so hard to listen to ds cry when I know I can make it better, but DH interprets this as a criticism of him. Good grief sorry this is long. Just so confused this morning and knackered.

I don't sleep through the night at 41 years old so I would t expect my dcs to either.

Pander on, op.

5madthings, Sleep feeding is not unusual. As I mentioned my son would not take much in during an awake feed, and relied on sleep feeding. It's quite common to sleep feed with baby's who have reflux like that. He was allergic to the protein in my breast milk, so he associated feeding with pain.

This happened with my daughter as well, both ended up having to take a hydrolised formula called Neocate, after being breast fed for some time, so that's why the battle to get them to take a bottle, they had to, and sleep feeding was the only way we managed it.

It is right to consider the a risk of choking while the baby is lying down though, and I should have mentioned that OP. It is also possible to gently lift lift them and hold in a more sitting position and do a sleep feed to avoid that risk, and have the same results I mentioned otherwise.

OP if you are interested in trying it, it is easy to find more information on google about it, and weigh up whether it is the right thing for you personally.

OH so as not to confuse, I also wasn't meaning that sleep feeding was something the OP should consider, just that it helps to get a baby onto a bottle, which is her issue.
Once a baby takes one asleep it will then take it while awake as well, so OP wouldn't need to sleep feed on an ongoing basis in her case. Just until her baby would take a bottle.

Oh yes sleep feeding very common. Mine went through phases of only feeding in their sleep but never lying flat on their backs, i would either bfeed with them on their side or with the two that had bottles i would scoop them up into my arm or when in bed with me they would lie snuggled up, head on my shoulder, arm around them iyseim.

I just thought lying flat on their back and being given a bottle usnt recomended?

I would go nuts if my child had woken up that much when they were 6 months old.

These threads always seem to attract the co-sleeping comfort crew, who posit that anything less then responding to any little whimper is cruelty and then add some sentimental, rose-tinted bollocks about how lovely parenting in the third world is and then they wonder why/play the mummy martyr card about how little sleep they get.

I echo the advice that O.P should sit down with H in the daytime and get herself a plan. Unsettled night when they're teething is one thing, but if it's ongoing then you need to look at managing it.

OP I have not read all of the replies but I have 2 suggestions

1 get a hold of a copy of "the no cry sleep solution" and both you and dh read it. (not so much for the sleep settle tips though I think they may help too but more because it explains babies needs in a good language for dh to learn about)

2 Contact your local children center and find out if they have a parenting course. One that both you and dh has to attend that focuses on how to work out jointly how to cope with differences in opinions on how to raise your children.

good luck

Penelope - I've only read the first page as short on time, sorry, but just wanted to say my DD was pretty much the same with regards to sleep. Didn't take a bottle so I too did all the night wakings. It's hard because its so exhausting but everything I did felt right to me (did try shush pat and CC but these methods either didn't work or felt wrong for us).
Anyway, DD was fully weaned by 13 months (was only having one bedtime feed by that point and none overnight) and went in a bed at 15 months at which point she started sleeping 10 hours per night most nights although we still have a tricky night now and then. My point is, there is light at the end of the tunnel! It's obviously really difficult that you and DH have different ideas and I'm sorry I have no advice specifically but I am a firm believer in trusting your instincts and comforting your baby as you see fit, a fathers point of view is also very important to take into account but seeing as you have stated you deal with the night wakings yourself anyway then I think you should have the deciding vote on how you handle the nights.
It won't be forever.

OP, have seen a number of posts saying that your baby is behaving like a much younger child and it's down to your behavior...FWIW, my DD is just 6 months today and I've coslept and BF on demand from the start. Until last week, she had 1-2 wakings a night and slept through very occasionally; just this week she's gone to a night schedule almost exactly the same as you describe. My behavior/environment/etc. hasn't changed - it's just down to her developmental stage. Don't beat yourself up! They'll settle when they're ready.

I would say this is an issue about your differing opinions on parenting - and as such, needs to be discussed when you're not knackered or trying to soothe the baby.

Fwiw, ds has only just started sleeping through (16mo) and only stopped night feeds at 13mo. He was 2-3 feeds a night at that age, and also went through a HUGE growth spurt at 6 months where he reverted to hourly feelings for a few days! I always went with it and fed at nearly all night wakings as it was the quickest way to get him back down. I also always fed to sleep until 7 months or so when ds decided to go down awake. But my dh agreed on all this (and wasn't the one getting up).

Do you know why your dh has issues with feeding to sleep etc? If he's feeling a bit excluded from the relationship, there are plenty other things he can be doing with the baby to bond - does he? I see/hear a lot about mothers not really letting their oh do things with baby - your OP doesn't sound like this, you're just a bf mother who knows its a good, reliable way to settle your baby. That said, sometimes, especially with teething, nothing and nobody will be able to settle the baby easily. Good luck

Wow so many replies I am not going to be able to thank people specifically but there is some great advice here. I was scared of this board but glad I posted as you've given me lots to think about. I will take on board that teaching to self-settle is certainly something we have to do at some point - so I suppose not doing so now is just delaying the inevitable. I think it's just that I am so zonked by 7pm after disturbed sleep and a day of looking after ds since 6am that I just choose the path of least resistance and feed to sleep. I suppose that is a bit lazy but in my sleep deprived fog it's hard to take the long view. Also I do think that it's a bit rich of DH to preach that when part of the reason this 'habit' has been established is simply that its only been me doing night duties from when ds was 2 weeks old so of course he is going to want a feed from mum!

Anyway to update - he did apologise this morning, without prompting, for the barring incident so I was relieved about that. I said it had better never happen again. I also reiterated that breastfeeding mums are 'in tune' with the baby's feed pattern in a way that dads just can't be so therefore the final decision on feeding ds has to be mine. It can't just be judged from the clock. He agreed to that so fortunately my two big issues were agreed to. We got a chance to talk while the ILs took my son out and we each put our pov across more calmly. We have decided to read the mo cry sleep solution and the Andrea grace book and see if we can 'diagnose' ds problems and come up with something to tackle this that we are both happy with, starting it next month maybe.

To answer some of the questions above, he is generally a fab dad but I do think in his heart of hearts he feels a bit left out by breastfeeding - but as I keep pointing out he is weaning now so there's plenty of opportunities for DH to feed him! This morning he was downstairs with ds though and forgot to do hi any breakfast before the morning nap! Argh!

And to those hi suggested co sleeping I was doing that til just before Xmas and it worked well for us til the 4 month sleep regression. Ds started seeming to need more space and wanting to sleep on his front so that prompted sorting out his room and cot. I would rather co sleep when feeding this much but if he's not going to sleep either ey it doesn't really help! If I'm honest I am struggling a bit to let go of the tiny baby stage when he slept in my arms and suckled on and off all night. It sounds mad but I loved that - was much easier than now because he would jut fall straight back to sleep so I felt like he was sleeping through even though he wasn't.

Anyway thank uou for all the advice. Especially those who gave some much needed perspective. I just imagine ever getting 8 hours straight sleep again at the moment but I suppose it has to happen eventually!

DH physically barring me from approaching the cot and picking ds up as he cried

That is totally unacceptable. I can't believe you allowed that.

Babies sleep through the night when they are ready to, I know I have had enough of them and they are all different,

The more you push them away the more clingy they become, it's perfectly natural for a baby to want it's mother, comfort and food.

send him to some parenting classes he needs them.

Aw, glad you had a chat with dh and cleared the air. Re teaching to self settle - personally, I don't entirely agree this is necessary (obv depends on your baby though...) and ds just started doing it of his own accord around 7mths. But he was fed to sleep after night feeds until he dropped those of his own accord at 13mo. Oh, and he still doesn't self settle for daytime naps...so do whatever works for you and your family is my best advice :)

I remember 6mo being a really difficult time and we also bought no cry sleep solution at that time! But by the time it arrived, the sleep issues had mostly resolved themselves. So don't despair just yet. I was still napping when he napped at that age, if necessary. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a good reason!

Good luck - it does get better and we regularly get 8-9 hrs sleep in one go now (ds gets 12 but I don't go to bed when he does!).

Self settling at 6 months is far too early. Ridiculous to expect such a young baby to do this especially so soon after co sleeping.

I have always encouraged self settling for a lunchtime nap before attempting it 'cold' at night. Everything seems much worse at night.

Fwiw mine were having a dream feed at 11 or so and then waking once at about 3am at that age and then they slept through after we were well into the weaning, one with some gentle but longwinded sleep training and one after only one night of cc.

I always hated those times when through illness or teething or development they would swap their nights and days so werent interested in bf during the day then wanted to be on all night. Make sure you offer constantly during the day if thats the case.

'diagnose' ds problems and come up with something...
Why do you think it's 'problems' ?
With the best will in the world, some babies don't sleep easily, whatever some may say about sleeping through the night from birth/six/months/whatever.

I'm not saying you won't find a 'solution', but it may just be that he needs to mature, cope with solid foods and then he may settle better.

Your DS doesn't have a problem, he sleeps, he cries. he eats. he sleeps. It's not his problem it's the adults perceived problem of a baby acting quite normally.
Some are hardwired to need more of your time and attention than others, you can't teach that out of them, all they do is learn that no one will come to them when they need it so don't bother asking.
Now If he were over a year old and wanting to nurse every 2 hours then maybe no cry sleep solution, or happiest baby on the block would be a good idea, but Controlled crying or Crying it out are cruel and unnecessary. Babies schedules change constantly, just when you think you have figured out what time they need to nap or eat, they will have a growth spurt and change the schedule on you.

dont' want to jump into a massive bun fight but I think you're wrong when you say that waking up every couple of hours is "fairly typical for his age?" I don't think it's typical - it would be on the extreme end I think. Seeking comfort is definitely typical and it's around this age that babies seek blankies, dummies, special places for sleeping. Clearly something's going amiss if your baby is seeking you as a sleep prop. The co-sleeping thing might have set you up with some interesting sleep associations that now have to be un-done. As a start I would suggest looking for other ways to introduce comfort. Someone's suggested a dummy. How about introducing a special blanket or muslin?

The other thing is to make sure baby is warm enough / not too hot. This is a common cause of wake-ups. If you're not already, consider using a merino sleeping bag?

No. No. No. It's not normal for a 6 month old to wake up that often at night. To accept it as normal is just martyring yourself. A baby who wakes up twice at night is normal, waking once a night is better, waking not at all better still. Why is it wrong for parents to want and need better sleeping habits? Certainly baby will be better off with good sleep - it's a win-win to get it sorted out, surely. Take charge, think about what you're going to do, discuss it with your husband, implement it.

It would have been dangerous for DH to step between baby needing fed and me at 6 months. Motherly glare of death.

At 6 months nursing should still be on demand. You produce more milk at night so lots of feeding makes sense from a biological point of view. You shouldn't be weaning at 6 months unless you really want to, it really is much better for your child if you continue for at least two years if you are happy to. Even though many introduce solids at six months breastmilk should be the primary source of nutrition for a breastfed baby.

Perhaps you and DH should book an appt with your health visitor to discuss it.

Oh God. Am going to see health visitor today so will ask them about sleep too. Squinkies, I would never consider CC - I just don't have the stomach for it, I doubt it would work on ds anyway and at any rate it isn't recommended before a year. But is there really NO happy medium between feeding entirely on demand all night (which I have always done and continue to do) and letting him cry?? On some level wouldn't it be better for his development to sleep longer?

Babies feed frequently. Some babies sleep through, some don't. As for the 'he thinks it's time to wean/introduce formula' tell him when he is qualified in infant feeding and nutrition and is working for the WHO who recommend breast milk for 2 years, Then he gets a say.

Sleep with a blanket then give it to your ds. He misses your smell and my two have both had blankes to sleep. :) helped alot with us

Of course there's a middle ground. I went to see Andrea Grace and did her programme which was basically gradual retreat and cutting down feed times gradually ( by a minute each time ish). It worked w

Of course there's a middle ground. I went to see Andrea Grace and did her programme which was basically gradual retreat and cutting down feed times gradually ( by a minute each time ish). It worked with no crying :)

There are happy mediums !

I am pretty outraged on your behalf, I'm glad your dh apologised, but it's pretty shitty behaviour from him anyway. He used his physical strength to enforce his wishes above yours, to physically prevent you from reaching your child. It's abusive. I don't think an apology would be enough for me, I'd need him to understand how far he'd crossed the line of acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

I don't think it's at all unusual for a 6 month old to wake every couple of hours, mine did at that age. It sounds like you're coping as well as you can. If you're doing all the night waking then I think you get to choose how you settle your dc.