AIBU or is DH - we seem to have totally different approaches to parenting and I didn't see this coming

[PenelopeChipShop]

Am a bit scared of posting in here but I really need other opinions / perspective and can't exactly moan about this at the NCT group. Our DS1 is 6 months old and lately DH and I seem to disagree all the time on how to handle him, mainly his sleep rather than anything else. He's not a good sleeper - settles fairly well in his cot in his room at 7pm then needs a feed between 10 and 11, then one at about 1am, then he wakes every 1.5 to 2 hours needing resettling (9 times out of 10 this is with a feed) until he's up for the day at around 5.30 or 6am. Although this is tough I gather its fairly typical for his age? On week nights I do all the night time duty as DH works full time - I guess this is reasonable. However in practice I get up on weekend nights as well and DH only helps if DS won't settle - I think this just evolved because he always seemed to need feeding above anything else and he is ebf. We did try to introduce bottles of expressed milk early but he never really took to them and I struggled to find time to express every day so that DH could try bottles regularly, with the result that he now doesn't 'get' them at all. I'm working on introducing cups but that wouldn't be practical for night feeds yet so I have to do them. I am happy with this as bf-ing has always worked well for me and I enjoy it.
The problem I suppose is that DH seems unhappy with how we/ I have managed things - he thinks ds is too reliant on me, that I feed him too often in the night, shouldn't let him fall asleep on the boob at 7pm as he isn't learning to self settle, and that we should be giving at least a bottle of formula a day, ideally late at night so ds will sleep longer. I don't have a problem with that last one at all but it just isn't working out as he doesn't do bottles. Dh also thinks I should be starting to wean him off the boob in general but I don't think either of us are ready. What we are rowing over is how to soothe ds when he is really fractious - I generally start with a cuddle but inevitably he will ask for a comfort feed and I always give it - I have always fed on demand, it's just what feels right to me. DH thinks I indulge him. I think that comfort is just as good a reason to feed as hunger. Last night this came to a head with DH physically barring me from approaching the cot and picking ds up as he cried. He said he knew I would feed him and that he was 'putting his foot down' and that I couldn't feed him til his 'average' time of 10.30pm (it was about an hour to wait). Admittedly I don't think ds was hungry from his cry but I wanted to comfort him as I thin he was teething - after giving the usual remedies he likes to suck to relax. DH insisted on just picking up and putting down until he cracked at about 10.20 and 'allowed' me to feed ds. By then he was completely worked up and wouldn't settle even after the feed - we were up til 1am which is v unusual. All exhausted today. I know his wakefulness might not be entirely down to DH's intervention as he is teething too but it certainly didn't help. DH thinks I am being controlling in not letting him try to comfort ds himself. I am outraged that he prevented me from feeding ds when I felt he needed it resulting in a very upset baby. This is sad in a way as we are not trying to do our best but I saw a very controlling, domineering side to him last night that I have literally never seen before - he is usually a very easy going, gentle person. So Was I being unreasonable not to give him a chance to help last night without interfering? Or should he not have made me go against my instincts to feed? I just find it so hard to listen to ds cry when I know I can make it better, but DH interprets this as a criticism of him. Good grief sorry this is long. Just so confused this morning and knackered.

I've read the first two pages, but not the last, so forgive me if I go over old ground.

I have two children; when they were born I wanted to do EVERYTHING on their schedule. For a time. Then I started wanting to impose my timings a bit more and claw back some control. I found there was a balance. On the one hand, there was the sleep I wanted. On the other hand, the amount of "pain" I was prepared to put my baby through to get it.

After a few months of to-ing and fro-ing, I found the balance tipping in my favour, but I think DH crossed the line before me.

With DS1, he saw me being exhausted and felt that it was the baby sucking the life and sleep out of me in the night (it was!). He wanted to stop it. He thought that it would save me, if he intervened. He also felt excluded from the baby's life. We had a really horrible time between 6 and 9 months trying to "make" the baby do what we wanted. He was teething, had nasty eczema etc. We weren't consistent, we fought a lot. I listened to the baby crying, without giving him what he (and I, at heart) wanted because we thought it was for the best. Eventually, he slept through once he was crawling and walking. He still needs to be absolutely shattered before he'll sleep, aged nearly 8.

With DS2, DH was happy to let me take care of the LO as he had DS1 to look after. I played it by ear, I didn't try to impose my will on my baby until I was absolutely ready and even then only little by little. Much happier me, much much happier baby.

So, probably your DH is feeling concerned that you're shattered, feeling pushed out of the baby's life and wants to join in and be a more active dad. Which is great! But he might have to be patient. Your baby is still completely tiny and it's really ok for it to be all about mum at the moment. There is lots that your DH can do to support YOU and take the strain off you, and at the weekend, he can have solo time with baby during the day to help him bond for a couple of hours at a time between feeds.

You've got this baby for the next 40 years! He will get to bond and share in the upbringing. It's very very early days.

Lots of good advice above.

It is really difficult adjusting to a new baby, they don't come with a manual and what works with one baby doesn't with another, they are all individuals. I would just like to say you are both feeling sleep deprived (if its anything like it was for me) and it is your first child and probably aren't thinking straight.

Both of you should sit down and talk and listen to eachother and agree an approach to take, stick to it and see how it goes for a couple of nights / weeks. See how it is working and decide if it needs tweaking or changing completely.

6 months is really young, babies need comforting but I would suggest trying to get him to learn to self settle. Maybe start in the day when you are feeling more up to it, he learns how to do it and then start extending it into the night.

Good luck and be kind to eachother, it is hard work at first but they grow, change and it does get easier.

I'm really sorry I haven't read everything (7 month old ds here !!!) But have you tried giving a dummy ? If ds will accept it then it might mean dh is able to comfort him more than he is able to at the moment, esp if ds is waking looking to suck as comfort.

Just an idea.

I will come back and post more when ds has a nap !

When you say only just stopped co-sleeping, was there a reason to stop? My two got chucked out at five months, but there's nothing wrong with keeping them in a bit longer - they won't still be in your bed at five unless you let em ;) I found that the pay off for having them in with me (easy feeding and resettling) got less and less as they got older, and the tipping point with both was around five months, but maybe you have a later tipping point with your LO?

My DD is very similar, poor sleeper and boob monster. For me 6 months was too young to try anything else and I went with the flow (I co-sleep so it's a bit easier to get some sleep). By 12 months she was a bit older and it became easier for DP to both put her to sleep and comfort her during the night.

I don't think your DP is reasonable to not let you comfort the baby or to not do it himself. If he wants to do nighttimes then he has to come up with a plan for comforting the baby, not just letting him cry.

For later on I found this technique to be quite helpful (although for us it has not been a cure for all, DD still has good night and then regresses if she is teething, sick, etc.)
drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

I think he was vu to bar you from the cot. Also to try and instigate a new sleeping routine - really that needs discussion and agreement followed by a consistent approach to the agreed method.

I also believe that as it is you doing the night feeds then it is up to you.

For us I cosleep with ds (23 mths) and bf to sleep and df supports this - he can now get ds to sleep when I'm not there - it works as ds still wakes in the night and neither want to look at cc or cio type methods. We did try pupd and df actively worked with ds on that but a bad tummy bug for all 3 of us ended up in cosleeping

Personally don't agree with the bottle of ff (not against ff) but if your ds is ebf then it could cause tummy upset which you don't need when starting solids.

I do think this is not a new side to your dh more frustration at feeling helpless.

I do think you both need to talk - get him some reading on bf and different sleep training methods and ask him to read through and discuss his thoughts. I would also get him the wonder weeks book which my df found excellent in explaining why ds goes through development phases and their impact - eg ds being more needy.

It's the age-old debate isn't it? :) FWIW I think your DH has good intentions - it's not as though he wants you to let DS cry it out because he can't be bothered to deal with it and wants the quickest route, not caring if it's best for DS or not.

I think you really need to discuss it at a time when you're not stressed about it and definitely not while one of you is trying to settle him. At the moment he's not keen on your methods and is undermining them by preventing you from doing them and you're not keen on his and are undermining by not giving him a chance to see it through - however much both of you think you're right, interrupting is not helpful to anybody. What you need to do is come up with a plan which has elements of what you both want and then stick to it and support each other in it.

I know you're tired, so rational discussion is difficult - what might help is if you both give each other time to think, talk, listen, digest - and if you're tired and feeling ratty and liable to snap/interrupt/not listen, then sometimes the best way is to - separately - write your feelings, your aims and your preferred method of achieving those aims (and why you think it's the best approach) down on a piece of paper, then come together, read the other's, and discuss.

It's very hard to let go of your defensiveness, especially when it comes to your baby - you can feel a very strong mother-tiger sort of feeling of "How dare he harm my baby??" - even though he's not harming him at all, it can feel like that if he's going against your ideal. Talk to him, discuss it, you'll probably find that you both want the same things and that you can find a way around it which works for you both. Try not to put barriers up about his approach and remind him to offer you the same courtesy :)

(Also as a final point - 6 months is very very early for a baby to sleep through, most don't. All of the articles and books etc which say they should be by this age are WRONG. How many parents get so stressed thinking they're doing something wrong when really they're just trying to achieve the impossible! Just because some babies sleep through at 6 months it doesn't mean that yours is ready to. If you can make the night wakings manageable for you then that is a perfect set up.)

Please repost in bf/bottle feeding! I'm still seeing too much on behaviour sleep and dh attitude, not enough on feeding which I think poss u need. I really think u could get some additionally specific advice that could really help u out.

Best wishes

I agree LaCiccolina that feeding advice may help, but the OP was asking whether she or her DH were being unreasonable so I really dont think the small number of 'yes your DH is BU' etc are out of line.

I think OP could also get some great advice if she posted this in Relationships too.

I haven't read all of the replies,

Your Husband was completely out of order from physically blocking you from comforting your baby. I genuinely would have considered leaving my DH if he had done something so vile. You are a fully grown woman and you do not need to be dictated to when and how you comfort your own child. IMO you need to tackle his patronising, controlling, bullying behaviour, I would not want this man around my child.

Aside from that, my DD was just like this, it's perfectly normal. I haven't got a lot of practical advice, just to follow your instincts and try to be relaxed about it. I can't remember exactly when she started sleeping through but it wasn't anywhere near 6 months!! IIRC stretches of sleep gradually got longer and she became more accepting of comfort from her dad and less reliant on milk to get to sleep. She's 2 now, still bf, but we take it in turns to get her to sleep at bedtime and she tends to sleep through unless she's poorley etc.

Basically, WRT the sleep issue, it will get better and it's not worth getting stressed over. WRT DH, he wants a slap.

i just gave mine the boob whenever they murmered,they are all fine,in fact i think its more natural and better for thebaby to do that,just my opinion though.

yanbu,he is.

Penelope, I've got a tool that works for introducing the bottle for a baby that refuses it, for you to consider.

We had various reflux / protein allergy / couldn't drink breast milk issues, so HAD to make it work.

What worked for both of mine was to introduce the bottle while they were asleep. Typically I'd do that just before their first main wake up, so in your case 10 pm ish would probably work.

Go quietly into the room with out turning on lights. Put the bottle into your baby's mouth, without lifting or moving them. At first they will certainly refuse it. As soon as they start to do so, stop, don't push it. Try again the next night and so on and so on. Typically they will take a little by the end of the first week and be able to drink a reasonable amount by the end of the second week, but you do need to stick at it, it won't work straight away.

I'd get your partner to do this. It will help with confusion of the smell of breast milk etc.
Research what the teats are recommended at the moment that are most like a nipple, I don't have up to date info in this.
Intially use a mix of EBM and formula, for taste reasons, and slowly change to formula.

Your baby once it is used to feeding asleep, will likely take the whole bottle that way. You can gently lift them to sitting to wind them afterwards if needed.
I used to have to feed my oldest his whole amount for the day this way while he was asleep as he got to the stage where he associated feeding with pain so much, he wouldn't feed at all.

Good luck with everything, I hope being able to talk about it and the advice you've been given here, helps you work it out without any more tension with your partner.

Oh should have added, that once mine took the bottle asleep, they would take them in the day too.
In your case you may not need to.

I used to go to bed around 7 pm when they did. My husband would do the asleep bottle feed around 10:30 when he went to bed and then I'd do wake ups from the next wake up onwards. That way I'd get at least a 4 hour block of sleep every night which really helps.

Also - if you want to introduce the bottle then maybe try with expressed milk first.

ginger I may be reading this wrong but are you suggesting giving the baby a bottle whilst its lying in its cot? You say without lifting or moving them?

That really isn't a great idea, choke hazard for one thing.

Op I think you and your duh obviously need to talk. He seems to want to help with your son but has some odd views on what your baby should/shouldn't be doing.

Your baby is very little and is teething so now is not the best time to sort sleep issues.

You say you stopped co-sleeping? Its good your D's will go down at 7pm and sleep for a few hours so you get an evening! The rest can be worked on and will improve with age.

Why does your duh want him off the breast and on to a bottle? Do you want this?

Your DH needs to take a long view - it's easy to get things out of perspective at this age.

The thing is, what you are doing is right. Breastfeeding is the best way to comfort a crying baby, and actually, if a baby is exclusively breastfed, it will be hard to soothe him any other way. We'd all love it if baby would happily be cuddled by someone else or take a dummy, but what a breastfed baby actually wants is the breast. Not because they're complete bastards who are trying to wind you up but because that's the way it works.

It is very very difficult, however, to make this argument with someone who is taking the view that you're spoiling the baby or giving into his demands too easily. I don't think you can resolve it easily, except that you can perhaps agree that at some point in the future, perhaps the time he's one, you will try to get him into more of a routine, maybe by using controlled crying (which really isn't cruel, by the way, though I know some people don't approve of it). Also by the time he's one he will be on solids and hopefully have a full tummy at night time and that might help him sleep better.

if you co slept would he just feed while you were half asleep?mine did,they woud make that kind of nuzzling noise and it would wake me and id latch them on and off they would go and then fall asleep again,could you do that?

Just realized dh has auto corrected to duh in my post!

I have to say I went down the co-sleep feed in ddemand etc, my five well sleep well now. Dd is just two and I with us purely laziness and because we like it, snuggles and waking up to a fabulously cute toddler saying 'nothing mummy kwisses pease' what's not to love!

Not nothing she says moring meaning morning!

Why would you leave your baby to cry if you can soothe him? You are giving your baby what he needs, when he asks. What is more natural than that? You dh is completed out of order, how dare he stop you from feeding or comforting your son! He may have been in pain, he may have been restless, he might have been hungry why is your dh better able to know what your baby needs? Babies don't care what time they normally wake up, they do it when they need to. It's not like at 6 months he's laying in his cot thinking 'I'll just wait for him to drop off and then I'll cry'. Although we all think they do sometimes Sounds to me like hubby might be a bit jealous?

babies should be able to sleep through by 6 months You are pandering to the child's needs by feeding him this often... so Im with your DH on this one. BUT I would be withdrawing slowly, not all on one go. Make a plan to cut this down so that n 1 month DS is sleeping through. You will need to be tougher but you are the adult and this much disruption is no good for anyone

babies should be able to sleep through by 6 months

Really? All of them? Is that a rule?

Cos mine damn well didn't!

Ps I also think Co sleeping saved my life - I have a mattress on ds' bedroom floor - leave him to sleep while I have my evening and then sleep with him.

You could try dream feeding when you go to bed and then if he wakes at 1am or whenever just go and get in to bed on the mattress with ds - he might go longer between then and morning and might stay later than 6am - I found the waking up frequently in the early hours exhausting but not so and less frequent when Co sleeping.

Hahahahahaha lemonstart that is the funniest thing I've heard :)

Lemonstartree, who says? It's common misconceptions like that that make things harder for the OP and her husband.