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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to reward my dd for her accomplishments?

99 replies

Jinsei · 12/01/2013 19:20

DD is lucky, and does very well at lots of things. She has plenty of natural talent, but she works hard and listens to her teachers too. As a result, she achieves well in several different spheres. We are proud of her and she knows it.

Her latest achievement was an excellent result in a recent dance exam, and the nice lady who helps on the desk told me that "she definitely deserves a present for that." It was just a throwaway remark, but I know of many parents who do actually reward their kids with gifts or treats for work well done.

I was always brought up to believe that the reward is in the achievement itself. DD is thrilled with her results, and I don't see how a material reward or treat would increase her happiness or sense of achievement. To me, the good results are enough.

I am unlikely to change my stance on this, so perhaps not a genuine AIBU as I'm convinced that I'm not! Nevertheless, I'm curious to know if I am in a minority on this one, or if most parents would agree. So do you reward your kids for their accomplishments, or do you think that the reward is in the achievement itself.

OP posts:
AlmostAHipster · 12/01/2013 19:21

I've never rewarded my children with a present for their achievements as I'd be bankrupt Grin

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 19:22

I am with you sometimes a 'present' is an incentive for children to work a wee bit harder but I didnt hand out 'things' to my dds when they passed something I did give dd1 some money when she past her school exams but she didnt know and didnt expect them, sometimes a reward is nice sometimes the passing is the reward in its self , yanbu though

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 19:23

I've never rewarded my children with a present for their achievements as I'd be bankrupt

get you boasting Grin

showtunesgirl · 12/01/2013 19:23

When I was growing up my parents only ever said well done if we did extremely well and that was it. There were never any monetary or material rewards such as with many of my other friends where if they got an A grade, they were given £50 etc. It was definitely the achievement of the thing that was the reward in itself.

I plan to do the same with my DD.

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 19:23

passed* not past Blush

LuluMai · 12/01/2013 19:24

Bit of a stealth boast that op.

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 19:25

It isn't boasting at all it is a genuine question,

fwiw I was teasing almostahipster

MrsReiver · 12/01/2013 19:25

YANBU, I totally agree that the achievement is reward enough.

DeckSwabber · 12/01/2013 19:25

I reward effort. If a child works hard for an exam I'l try to do something nice straight away - then when the result comes through they get a hug (whatever the outcome!). But I rarely reward with a present. A treat of some kind which generally we all share.

LuluMai · 12/01/2013 19:26

The first paragraph is a complete boast!

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 12/01/2013 19:26

I am going to boast and not even stealthily Grin

When I was a child and teenager I was very high achieving in school work, exam results, music, and sport. I don't remember getting any presents as rewards, and I didn't expect any either. Praise yes. Presents, no.

Stick to your guns, OP.

Original poster
Jinsei · 12/01/2013 19:26

Sorry, honestly wasn't supposed to be a stealth boast. Grin Had I wanted to boast, I'd have done it openly and bigger up her achievements a bit more.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 12/01/2013 19:28

her daughter does well in lots of things how is that boasting Confused I do think children are rewarded for all sorts these days and it isn't needed , I have in the past taken dds out for lunch at the end of term for working hard AND DOING WELL during the year is that rewarding achievements ?

5madthings · 12/01/2013 19:29

I reward effort rather than achievement. Tying hard and having a good/positive attitude is more important IMO.

Original poster
Jinsei · 12/01/2013 19:30

I put the first paragraph in lulu to give some context. If dd rarely enjoyed a sense of achievement, I am not sure if I might be tempted to make a bigger deal of stuff. I hope not, but if I had a child who was lacking in confidence, who knows?

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 12/01/2013 19:30

Well, presents arent always expensive OP so YABU for assuming they would bankrupt you. For instance after a good.parents evening (which was every parents evening - seeing as you are all stealth boasting), I'd get a Cadbury Caramel.

Pennies, but so lovely of my parents to think on the way home "Gold has done really well, we are very proud of her, lets just get her a little something nice".

Loquace · 12/01/2013 19:31

It depends on the achievement.

DS got an iPod for xmas becuase his report was so good. And that was in stark contrast with previous reports. We changed his school so he had a far better fit, but he was the one who had to pull his finger out and start all over again with new stratagies re how to study and learn in a very different system, being taught in his "other" language. We did our part, but he kept up his side of the solution and then some.

He got all As. And a peice of work put in the "outstanding" gallery. I admit to having to go to the bathroom for a quiet sniffle of relief joy when I got my sticky mitts on the report.

Previously a pass mark in a few subjects would have me grinning with relief that the report wasn't a total washout.

He hasn't had a pressie for anything else though.

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 19:32

I think maybe school aside jinsis dd reward for trying really hard in her dance class was to pass the exam and I assume move up a level ? so that in it'self is a reward she did well good for her jinsei

Original poster
Jinsei · 12/01/2013 19:35

It wasn't me who said that rewards would bankrupt me! It isn't about what they are, it's about the concept iyswim. I just wondered what other people do.

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 12/01/2013 19:45

If you've got a hard-working, high-achieving child generally you can't keep giving them rewards every five minutes, but I do think it's nice to occasionally make a fuss.

When I was a kid and did well at Richmond tests (showing my age!) my mum used to let me have any ice cream I wanted on the way home from school instead of the usual choice of Fab or Mini Milk!

If DD gets a good end of year report, or gets chosen for something particularly special (i.e. last year she was one of 18 children and only 2 girls in the county picked for a G & T science course), we'll usually take her out for a Chinese or to the pictures as a treat.

We don't go over the top or do it all the time though, and she doesn't get 'presents' - just a treat/celebration that we all enjoy together.

treas · 12/01/2013 19:49

We reward dc on occasion for their achievements at school as and when we have been impressed with their hard work and results - mind you we are really hard to please Grin and they do not get pocket money.

On the other hand if dc do not achieve what their teachers have expected from them or if we know that they have not put in any effort they do lose a privilege such as time on the computer.

The majority of the time they have to make do with any reward or praise from their school or teachers - who also seem hard to please!

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud · 12/01/2013 19:52

I agree with Spiro. We opt for praise and treats rather than consumer durables.

HeyHoHereWeGo · 12/01/2013 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocoluvva · 12/01/2013 19:54

NBU, OP.

DieWilde13 · 12/01/2013 19:59

I think you're doing the right thing. Passing the test or moving up a level is a reward in itself! And doing well just in order to get the present is not really the kind of motivation you are looking for, either.

Both dcs watch out for shameless boast are pretty high achievers and know that we expect them to do their best. They are praised when praise is due and do get rewards for outstanding achievements. That can be anything from cooking their favourite dinner to a special outing, never money.