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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to reward my dd for her accomplishments?

99 replies

Jinsei · 12/01/2013 19:20

DD is lucky, and does very well at lots of things. She has plenty of natural talent, but she works hard and listens to her teachers too. As a result, she achieves well in several different spheres. We are proud of her and she knows it.

Her latest achievement was an excellent result in a recent dance exam, and the nice lady who helps on the desk told me that "she definitely deserves a present for that." It was just a throwaway remark, but I know of many parents who do actually reward their kids with gifts or treats for work well done.

I was always brought up to believe that the reward is in the achievement itself. DD is thrilled with her results, and I don't see how a material reward or treat would increase her happiness or sense of achievement. To me, the good results are enough.

I am unlikely to change my stance on this, so perhaps not a genuine AIBU as I'm convinced that I'm not! Nevertheless, I'm curious to know if I am in a minority on this one, or if most parents would agree. So do you reward your kids for their accomplishments, or do you think that the reward is in the achievement itself.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 12/01/2013 19:59

I don't (read wouldn't) reward my DC for doing something they enjoy...they get a certificate don't they?

I do reward for doing well at things they didn't want to bother with like 100% in spelling tests or learning times tables.

LynetteScavo · 12/01/2013 20:00

But of course they get verbal praise.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2013 20:01

Rewarding good work does not need to mean buying a gift.

wigglesrock · 12/01/2013 20:02

I do the odd time. If one of my children does really well in something, or has worked really hard at something, I would take them to [shock Grin] McDonalds, a sneaky nosy round Home Bargains, 10 mins to do their worst in Poundland etc.

I found academic achievement quite easy as a young child - my parents were of the "only 9 out of 10 on a test, how come you got one wrong?" mindset - it caused a lot of resentment. I have made a conscious decision not to go down that route Grin

CheerMum · 12/01/2013 20:02

To each their own, IMHO

I often get dd a little something, be it a small present or a nice treat, if she has done something fab, or got through a tough time. My parents never rewarded me, and like heyho I was the A grade student and my siblings were nowhere near the same level....but THEY got stuff. This unfairness has stuck with me and so I am very keen to shower praise and rewards on my dd. plus she is a bit shy and unconfident so it does her good to be "bigged up".

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 20:02

always verbal praise but never too much as this can make them expectent of it ( is that the words I want Confused ) I am quite stingy with over praising I must admit ,

WheresMrMonkey · 12/01/2013 20:03

I think choosing her favourite dinner or a trip to the bakery is the perfect kind of reward. Don't think gifts are necessary in these circumstance but a treat like this would just say well done

DoodlesNoodles · 12/01/2013 20:03

I know DC's that are paid for GCSE/A level results. I would never do that but each to their own Confused

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 20:08

I gave dd1 a card with some money after she got her results she did well TBH it was her dad who gave her it I wasn't in much agreement with it but she was grateful and used it to buy stuff for college

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 20:08

we*

CailinDana · 12/01/2013 20:08

I was similar to HeyHo, I was a very high achiever while my older sister was average and struggled a lot in some things. I never got any recognition of my talents, it was taken for granted that I would do well, so much so that my parents booked a holiday for when my final exam results were coming out even though they could have easily gone another time. Bear in mind that my exam results were so good that I won awards and was on the national news.

I know it might seem petty but to this day the fact that they never made any fuss over anything I did gets to me. The achievement itself means very little, but a lovely little treat from a parent (even something small like some chocolate or a nice day out at the beach) means the world to a child. High achievers tend to strive for approval, it's part of their motivation, and not getting that approval can make them drive themselves too hard. That's certainly what happened to me anyway. The reward isn't about paying a child for their efforts, it's more about recognising just how hard they've worked. People at school used to praise me to high heaven, but all I wanted was some small moment where my parents really made an effort to show they had some interest in what I was doing.

BackforGood · 12/01/2013 20:12

YANBU - like you, I think the 'intrinsic award' of being chuffed with yourself for achieving whatever it was you set out to do, is worth FAR more than a material gift.
I do think it's important to let your children know when you are proud of them, and, if you are honest about it, that can be fantastic.

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 12/01/2013 20:14

Oh, callin, that isn't nice Sad
I think the best form of recognition is a hug and a well done and a trip out for an ice cream or similar if it's really really good.

Nuttyprofessor · 12/01/2013 20:15

I have often given rewards for commitment and achieving the best possible.

I rewarded DS for achieving level 5 in year 3 sats, getting into a super selective grammar. (Stealth boast)

I rewarded DD for going to college and getting her qualifications with hypermesis during her teenage pregnancy.(maybe not)

It is acknowledgement of them doing their best, nothing extravagant.

MrsMelons · 12/01/2013 20:15

Some of my friends actually buy their DCs lego etc after good parents evenings when the DCs are 5 or 6 years old. Its daft as I don't really think the children don't really consciously work hard at school at that age.

I make sure I praise DS lots (and bribe them sometimes Grin) but I try not to just buy presents for random reasons.

I would say that winning something or achieving a good exam result should make the DCs happy! I may be more likely to reward the DCs for trying really hard at something they find difficult.

A happy medium would be nice as Heyho sounds like she had a bit of a rough time so probably deserved a lot more praise than she got.

CailinDana · 12/01/2013 20:16

Oh and just to make me seem a bit sadder - when I passed my driving test DH bought me flowers and a bottle of bubbly. It still stands out as one of the most amazing happy days of my life, partly because I was delighted to pass the test, but mainly because the feeling of being celebrated for once in my life was fantastic. Passing the test would have been great on its own, of course, but that extra thing of DH making the effort to buy me a present to acknowledge my achievement was great.

Squiffie · 12/01/2013 20:17

Yanbu! This has made me think of that show jumper from the Paralympics, Lee something or other, who was reported to be pissed about not getting a knighthood! The whole thing that his medals should be reward enough in themselves.

I think what in getting at is that too many 'rewards' produces spoilt b@$^@{?$!

MrsMelons · 12/01/2013 20:18

I failed all my mock GCSEs mainly as I failed to turn up for them so mum and dad offered money for each A (£40), B (£20) and C (£10) for my actual GCSEs. I got all A's and B's - funny that Grin

CheerMum · 12/01/2013 20:20

I do pay dd when she has to have blood taken (health issues). Going rate is £5 per bottle ( though I do put a max of £20 on it per trip after nearly falling over when the nurse once produced 6 bottles!)
She's got to go in to hospital for a day next week and she is being rewarded with a trip to the hairdressers for colours.

mrsjay · 12/01/2013 20:22

I was pissed off at lee pearson not getting a knighthood he so should have he has been in about 6 paralympics

sorry got sidetracked Grin

FeistyLass · 12/01/2013 20:23

Another one like HeyHo and CailinDana here. I always did well in exams but I had to work hard at it. (I wasn't one of those clever types who could just turn up without studying and get As!)
Anyway, I remember getting a reward only once. Most of the time comments would be along the lines of 'What happened to the 2 marks you lost on that paper?'
I would have loved to have some kind of fuss or recognition. I did have a sense of achievement but I longed for my parents to show they were proud of me and appreciated my effort. I think the outcome of my personality and my parents' attitude was that I associated my sense of worth with my achievements and that I looked to work/studying for a sense of fulfilment to the detriment of relationships (that may seem extreme but definitely my parent's response was invariably disappointing whereas the personal sense of achievement could be relied upon).
I think when parents are accustomed to having a child who achieves they can sometimes take it for granted.

CheerMum · 12/01/2013 20:23

To join in with the sad revelations I remember that hen my siblings got their mediocre exam results they got given cash. When I got my pretty darned impressive results I got......a small umbrella!!!!

MrsReiver · 12/01/2013 20:24

Oh Callin your post made me sad, DS is a bit of a high acheiver at school and I think we're maybe starting to expect things from him, and take good results for granted.

I'll make sure we pay a bit more attention to him and give him plenty of praise when he does well. A wee trip to the corner shop for some sweets won't do him any harm at all.

Loquace · 12/01/2013 20:27

It still stands out as one of the most amazing happy days of my life

Smile I'm glad that happened.

And I am also glad you are making me feel less like a "gets it wrong again" mum being the only one who so far has confessed to a pretty expensive pressie reward for a brill job done well.

Ah fuck it, the look of sheer delight and pride when he saw the thing and why he was getting it was worth it even if "wrong, all wrong!!!"

It may not end up one of his happiest memories, but his face when he found put what and why it is going in my box of "memories I will treasure forever".

GetWhatYouNeed · 12/01/2013 20:30

When my children were young they were rewarded with verbal praise or if they had done well in piano/ballet exam they had a small treat eg book,cd and I always swore I would never reward good results financially. How things changed when they got to 15/16 or so and the temptations of boys/girls/parties/hanging around in the park with bottles of cheap alcohol started to distract previously very conscientious children. I did then resort to briberyfinancial rewards for GCSEs and A levels. Having talked about this with them afterwards they said that they realised themselves they wanted to be successful for its own sake but the promise of money for certain grades did give them a much needed boost when enthusiasm for revision was waning.
So people with younger children may find they change their minds about this later on.