to say I'm not doing all the organisational stuff anymore?

[Mandy21]

I have posted about this before but its finally come to a head now.

Long story short - we are a normal family I think - 3 children under 8, 2 at school, 1 at nursery. I work 3 days (have our 3yr the other 2 days), H works full time. Both do the same job, stressful, deadlines etc. Family life is busy and we're strapped for cash most of the time.

DH is a brilliant father, good husband most of the time, hard working. He is great at doing what I ask, pulls his weight with childcare / household chores / DIY. Doesn't have expensive hobbies or go out with his friends all the time. He is generally great.

Except for anything to do with organisation / planning of our life as a family. He will stretch to liaising with a couple of the other dads re lifts to DS's football matches. He also arranges for the cars to be serviced. Thats it. His salary goes into the joint account and a nominal sum goes into his own personal account to do with what he likes. He has no idea re finances - he couldn't tell you to the nearest £500 what the mortgage is, I manage all the finances, pay bills, budget, search for better deals all the time for utilities / insurance renewals etc. He doesn't plan any weekend activities, holidays, help to sort out things to do with the children in school holidays. I arrange play dates / after school activities / children's parties / presents / our social lives. I feel like I am constantly "thinking" about what needs to be done, whether everything is sorted / planned - just so all of the plates keep spinning, whereas he does what hes asked and can then just get on with his working day with no other demands on his time.

I've said I'm not doing it anymore - I'll give him all the details for bank accounts / payment dates / provisional dates for holidays but he's got to manage it all now. I'll do the day to day stuff - playdates for the children, be the point of contact for childcare etc, but all the "behind the scenes" organisation, he can do if from now on.

Am i expecting too much or do most mums / wives end up doing what I do?

I agree sowornout, my nana was the same after my grandad died - she used to ring my dad in a panic when a bank statement arrived - she didn't know what they were.

rainrain, YYY!. Your comment on 'running the show in your head' is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. It is ALL the crap that DH doesn't appear to realise that someone has to be thinking about. I hate having to deal with all these thoughts - I'm not a naturally organised person - and I feel swamped and overwhelmed lots of the time, because there are always so many 'to do' jobs on my mental list that I'm feeling stressed when I lie in bed at night trying to remember what I need to sort out that week - and knowing that only about 75% of it will probably get sorted.

DH will do jobs if asked - but I have to think about them. So he'll put the bins out - provided he is asked, reminded, asked again, and probably left a note about it. He will never ever notice that something needs doing and just do it. Not even unload the dishwasher or wash the pots up. If asked, 'could you wash up?' he will look vaguely surprised and say, 'Aye, nae bother' but it doesn't seem to occur to him that someone will need to wash saucepans after the evening meal. To be fair to him, he does work very long hours, and is self employed - but I'm the one who juggles work, 5 dcs, home, bills, and doing all the paperwork for his business and paying his lads. It doesn't ever seem to occur to him how I fit it all in - or how I have to be constantly thinking of things in advance. This week, for instance, he suddenly said on Wed eve, 'Could you pay the lads tomorrow, instead of Fri? One of them needs his wages and I said that would be ok'. And I had to say, 'Well, no. I can't. Because tomorrow I am teaching until 3.45, and then I have a dept meeting from 4.00 til 5.00, by which time the bank will be closed. I also have a lunchtime club tomorrow and I work in a small village which is 15 miles from the bank. When I pay the lads' wages I have to come flying out of school, drive 15 miles and hurtle into the bank at around 4.25 - when they close at 4.30pm. It is a pain to do every week - as I keep on telling you, but you simply look at me as though I'm mad and say, 'Aye - but I'm at work on a site from 7.00am - 5.00pm. I can't pay the wages'. His mother used to do all this stuff for him, and he automatically thinks that I will, without appreciating how difficult it often is for me.

sowornout - I felt worn out reading your post! That was a useful bit of perspective for me.... I'm not 'naturally' organised either, it is an effort and I don't really enjoy it. Although I do like the feeling of not being out of control of my affairs.

Just to pick up on what a couple of others have said about financial affairs - yes, there are different ways of being in an unequal relationship. I read here sometimes about marriages where the husband refuses to tell the wife how much he earns, how much money he has, where it goes etc. And I always find that gobsmacking because it is so far from my own experience.

I think that where a woman has been financially independent and lived independently before marrying (which is surely most women these days?) then that situation is less likely to happen. Obviously still does, though.

Sometimes it feels like these relationships where men just don't take a role in running the domestic show are because a memo from feminism never reached them. For women, the deal so often seems to be - yes, by all means, go out to work, be more independent (well - women have always WORKED, they have not always had careers, which is a big difference) - but you, women, must either fit your work around your exisiting domestic duties, or find a way of doing it all at the same time.

Logically, if women want to do more, men have to take on some of those duties - or be more flexible about what they see as 'theirs'. Each relationship will be different, and we all have different ways of organising things to suit us.... but I know SO many mothers who take on virtually all of this stuff because the men are unwilling or unable to do it. That isn't fair. And I think in talking about it, there 's often a double kicking to be had, because not only are women doing too much, but also, running a household, or anything domestic and to do with basic child welfare, is just not seen as being important. So in complaining about it, we're seen as being small minded and petty.

But like I said before.... put it in a work context, with women being expected to do unpaid cleaning and admin duties for their male colleagues, and we'd all see the unfairness.