Calin - how does it get like that (women either doing most admin/life organisation, and having the headspace full of that, always doing the thinking/planning) -
I think it's a number of factors. The first thing I would say is - how much do you live with when things aren't done? You say, it was your dp's job to sort out the telly - if he didn't, you wouldn't have a telly.
Okay! Not too traumatic. But purely on the financial front - the direct consequences for me of leaving my dp to manage money have been the threat of utilities being cut off, losing hundreds of pounds in overpayments (only sorted out when after repeated requests for him to have a check, I did it), nearly losing out a mortgage (entire day taken off work to ring round banks/hmrc) - all the basic problems you get when you don't budget and live within your means (unnecessary debt).
i don't think it's my job to be laid back about that.
As far as other things go - I'm not happy for my dc never to go to parties, never have play with friends, have days out beyond what they do all the time, fall out of contact with relatives - or always be the family who take and never give. I want them to be registered with a doctor, a dentist. Be able to get and be taken to appointments when they have them.
This is a feminist point. It is one thing for women to end up taking way more than their fair share. It is another to blame them for it - for what is essentially a failure to 'manage' our husbands.
a kinder approach is to accept that one woman in one relationship cannot overthrow centuries/decades of social conditioning with one graceful wave of her modern woman's wand. That if we live in a society where it is still women who take maternity leave when the children are small, this always makes them the main carer in a pattern that is hard to break, and not simply the woman's fault for being unable to 'let go'.
I think too that so many cohabiting couples get into the situation where the woman does not just the majority of domestic tasks, but the household organisation too. When you have kids, those burdens get a hell of a lot bigger - and so women end up with a daft and very disproportionate workload.
Having your own brainspace MATTERS. My dp used to say 'just tell me what to do and I'll do it.' Like he was doing me a favour! I had to point out, time and again, that while we were supposed to be working (main breadwinner here, btw) that HE was just thinking about work - I was organising a diary and schedule in my head, I was clock watching when he was just waiting for me to tell him about something. It simply isn't equal or fair.
I should add, for honesty's sake, that we are not a neat and well run household. We do a minimum and anything not vital is let slide. No perfect cupcakes and matching kids' outfits here. But I do like not to be overdrawn if we can help it, for clothes to be clean and somewhere we can find them, for food to be in the fridge and the car to be insured. Oh, and ds to not just be left in the living room all day with the telly on.
So much of this is cultural. DP isn't stupid - far from it. He also has political beliefs and personal values that are entirely consistent with sharing domestic work equally with me. And yet it is a constant battle, and much of his failure comes from him badly underestimating how much time, effort and skill is required to do things like budget and shop. He wasn't raised doing it, he never got into the habit of doing it living on his own (or with other women who obviously did most of it) - he accepts that science and politics are 'valid' subjects that he will require him to make an effort and give brainspace to (he is academically v successful) - but going shopping with a shopping list is something that he only does when I insist on it. He used to think that floors never needed cleaning. Never used to look at bank statements because if things were ok, he didn't need to, and if they weren't, it would just worry him and make him depressed.
I think a few of his problems (and mine) are unique - but most of them I think are very typical, from looking at my friend's experiences.
My position is 'easier' because I am the main breadwinner, and always have been. I still get resistance, sulking and arguments about the division of labour - but it is a lot more clear cut than if I was working part time, or earning less.
Anyway, my point is - yes, things SHOULD be more equitable, and women should do what they can to make that happen. But it isn't all our fault for being in this position - the same as running into sexist attitudes at work is not because we fail as employees to 'manage' our sexist colleagues. If what we are trying to change is a very deep seated cognitive problem - 'these things are not really my job' - on the part of male partners, then that's damn hard.