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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave 'd'h to sort this mess out on his own?

41 replies

lazycoconutree · 11/01/2013 18:29

'D'h hasn't seen his mum in a while. Because she's been away and he can't be arsed hasn't had time to see her.
So I stupidly asked him to invite his parents for dinner tomorrow night.

Dh's much older brother lives with his parents and dh invited him over for dinner as well.
I can't stand bil. He is truly obnoxious. Has always been nasty to me, lots of bad history, dh is fully aware of how i feel. So as far as I'm concerned I only invited pil over for dinner. Not bil.

I'm happy to make an effort for pil. But I will not make any effort for bil.
It's turned into a huge cold war situation between me and dh, and dc are picking up on all the negativity.

So wibu to plan a girls night out tomorrow night, or just go out on my own and do nothing for a change, and let dh deal with his family? Knowing he is absolutely hopeless in this kind of this and I'm the one that generally does all the organizing for when we entertain?

OP posts:
HecatePropolos · 11/01/2013 18:37

So your husband is happy to have his brother treat you like shit? does he say anything to him? Tell him to stop? Stand in your corner when you say don't you dare speak to me like that?

I would certainly go out.

Partly because there is no way on earth I would remain in the company of someone who treats me like shit

And partly to show my husband that I think he is an arse because he thinks it's ok to invite someone to our home who he knows treats me like shit.

Screw being the bigger person and all that crap.

RatherBeACyborg · 11/01/2013 18:43

Yeah I'd go out. DH can have who he liked in the house ...as long as he doesn't expect me to stay in and be polite to idiots.

Original poster
lazycoconutree · 11/01/2013 18:44

Until I pointed certain thing out, like how bil deliberately leaves me out of conversations, always thinks my opinion isn't important, argues about everything with me with a f*cking smirk on his face, dh claims not to have noticed.
For an intelligent human being I think dh is bloody daft when it comes to his family.....and breath......

OP posts:
Original poster
lazycoconutree · 11/01/2013 18:46

rather he actually assumes I'll be making dinner as well as being polite

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 11/01/2013 19:00

Just make three portions of lovely dinner. One for you and one each for MiL and FiL.
OR, if you're feeling up to it (I know some people hate confrontation/fuss and aren't big mouth loud cahs like I am ) when BiL arrives, say "what are you do here? The invitation was for your mum and dad, not you" and positively drip disdain. Prepare a retort in advance for every possible thing you can think of that he might say then and use them. Just refuse to take any more of his shit, if he wants to treat you badly and with no manners or consideration, do it right back. Just keep calm and say things like "but you don't like me BiL, why would you want to spend time with me?" and "you've made your opinion of me quite plain over the years, why on earth have you invited yourself to my home?" or "oh have you intruded so you can be rude to me some more, or have you grown up and learned some manners now?" with a Hmm face.
OR if you can't be arsed with all that, go out. Leave DH with his family and the DCs and just go. If any of them say anything just look at them, smile sweetly and say "oh I'm sorry, for a second there I almost gave a shit. Then I caught myself on" and head out the door.

Inaflap · 11/01/2013 19:02

I would be the hostess with the mostest. I would cook a lovely meal and be absolutely lovely to pil. However, i would just be stiffly polite to bil and greet any attempts by him to undermine me by a stoney silence, a direct change in facial expression, eye contact, a long pause, possibly a pithy put down and the an immediate reverting back to being lovely and charming to pil. This was you can't be faulted, you make it perfectly clear that he is in the wrong yet pil get their meal. If he is directly rude you, just say 'if that is your attitude to me then I am sorry but I teach the children that all rudeness is not tolerated. If you persist in your small minded and petty judgemental comments then I am afraid I will have to ask you to leave." Deliver it channelling someone like Maggie Smith in Harry Potter. Just act school teachery. Tell your husband before hand that this is what will happen and that he is going to back you up otherwise there will be No Sex for at least 6 months.

manicbmc · 11/01/2013 19:04

Do what Inaflap says. It'll look bad on you if you back out now.

But if bil is being an arse just look him up and down and remember the MN mantra that is 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

FlibberdeGibbet · 11/01/2013 19:07

Your house, your rules. I would agree with Inaflap, be the hostess with the mostest, steer the conversation to topics that you are knowledgeable (any hopefully BIL knows nowt, so you can make him feel smaaaalllllll), and do your utmost to expose BIL as the arsehole he is to his family - perhaps point out (in a "lighthearted" way) how ignorant he is being - "Oh no BIL, that sort of misogynistic attitude went out of fashion in 1954! I'm sure you can't really mean that?"

Tell (D)H what you are going to do, and say you hope he will support you....

RuleBritannia · 11/01/2013 19:10

I do wish you luck, Coconut. Take Inaflap's advice because it works. My XH treated me like that but I see him fairly often and I give it back. If we're with a group of mutual friends, it has them in a fit of laughter. My XH then feels small and stops until next time.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 11/01/2013 19:11

maybe re-iterate how you feel about BIL to your DH and tell him that you want him to be on the lookout for BILs twattishness and pick him.up.on it there and then.

Hopefully once your DH is on the lookout for his behaviour he wont be able to ignore it. And I would treat BIL just like I was treating PIL just so dh couldnt say "well, you were being arsey with him".

I think then you would be well within your rights to say afterwards "dont ever invite this man into pur home again"

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 11/01/2013 19:15

I would go out

And if I stayed home there is no way in hell I would be cooking

If your DH wants to invite his brother then that's fine but then he can be the one to cook and organise

Original poster
lazycoconutree · 11/01/2013 19:16

Pombear and inaflap could you come hold my hand tomorrow night?

I'm absolutely awful at confrontation. And dh's family are always insanely polite especially his mother, very much a take the high road kind of family.

The worst thing is not even bil coming over for dinner, but dh deliberately inviting bil over, knowing how strongly I dislike him.
It feels almost deliberate.

Which has really really hurt me.
The invitation was very clearly made to his parents I don't understand how that got miscommunicated to and also your asshole brother

OP posts:
BillyBollyBrandy · 11/01/2013 19:18

I wouldn't have someone in my house that was rude to me. I don't see why you should go out.

floweryblue · 11/01/2013 19:21

It is very difficult to exclude a family member from an occassion, so I can see why your DH included his brother in his invitation, in spite of knowing you don't get on with him.

As to cooking the meal, I do most of the cooking in our house so if I suggest to DP that he invites someone over, he would assume (rightly) that I would cook. If DP asked me if he could ivite someone round, I would ask him what he is going to cook.

You said yourself that you were stupid to suggest your DH invite his parents (so in a way you invited them), but it's done now, so I think you have to put up with BIL coming too as he is part of the package, slap a smile on and get on with it.

You can punish DH later if necessary Grin

princesskc · 11/01/2013 19:22

I too would be hostess with the mostess to pil and bil and if/when he's rude sprinkle his dessert with laxative!!
But then I'm a bitch.

RuleBritannia · 11/01/2013 19:26

Ooh! I have a packet of itching powder. Would you like to borrow it to put with your BiL's knives and forks or on his chair or under his plate or on his napkin or on his cup handle?

worsestershiresauce · 11/01/2013 19:27

Given the BIL lives with the PILs you kind of have to invite all or none of them. It would create a lot of bad feeling not to, and I imagine your DH invited him to avoid that. It really isn't worth starting a feud over. It is a bit unfair to make your DH choose between keeping you happy and keeping his family happy.

If you don't like the way the BIL treats you call him up on it in front of everyone else. Don't grin and bear it, make sure he knows you aren't a push over.

PureQuintessence · 11/01/2013 19:30

Well, this will teach you not to meddle in the relationship between your husband and his parents! Why did you not just leave it all to him? Had you not nagged him, this would not have happened. Dont nag him again, let him handle how often he sees his parents himself in future!

Katisha · 11/01/2013 19:32

Yes I think it would be rude to the pils to be out. But definitely agree you should call bil on his behaviour if he starts up . The MN standby of "did you mean that to sound rude" could be useful...

MrsKeithRichards · 11/01/2013 19:40

What pure said.

Also as obnoxious as you think he is he's your dhs brother.

Inertia · 11/01/2013 20:16

Unfortunately, if you now go out it'll be perceived by PIL ad rude or odd.

I think in your position I would just make exactly the same effort that you intended to make - cook what you'd planned, and make plenty, but don't go out of your way to pander to any whims BIL might have. I think I would then be super polite - but call BIL on any rude behaviour (very politely using the MN standard phrase! ) . If he continues, tell him that you think it's despicable that he thinks it acceptable to belittle and behave rudely to his husband's wife, in her own home, when she has gone out of her way to welcome him.

And I'd tell DH that you are covering his arse this time to avoid a family row, but that you won't take any crap from his brother.

deleted203 · 11/01/2013 20:23

I don't think you can just go out, having invited PIL to dinner, unfortunately. It's pretty unforgiveable. I also think you should perhaps have made it abundantly clear to DH that he was NOT to invite BIL too, given that he lives with them. However, it is too late for that now and I think you have to grin and bear the fact that they are all turning up tomorrow night. I really like Inertia's above post and would follow that advice, personally. You have made an effort to be polite to the guests that have been invited and you are not responsible for BILs behaviour. If he chooses to be rude you are perfectly within your rights to say, 'please don't speak to me in that fashion'. Bearing in mind that you have said DH's family are impossibly polite does it not seem likely that BIL will have to mind his manners in front of his Ma? It might not be as bad as you are expecting.

Yfronts · 11/01/2013 21:33

Ask DH what he is cooking? Leave it all to him.

Be lovely to FIL and just don't give BIL your time unless he is polite or nice.

pictish · 11/01/2013 21:37

I think I agree with pure as well tbh.

I do sympathise, but you meddled, and that's what happens. You can't control everything. Your dh's relationship with his family is his business.

You forced the issue and now you're unhappy because it hasn't gone the way way you wanted it to.

Oh well.

OTheYuleManatee · 11/01/2013 22:00

I don't think you can invite your PIL but not the BIL who lives with them. It sounds as though he's a bit of a dick but I think your issue is with your DH and the others who enable him as much as it is with him.

Also there are times when you have to suck it up and spend time with people you dislike in the interests of general family bonds. If this is one of them then suck it up, be polite and find subtler ways to keep your end up. Don't go out and leave them to it - that is just rude or plain weird.