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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave 'd'h to sort this mess out on his own?

41 replies

lazycoconutree · 11/01/2013 18:29

'D'h hasn't seen his mum in a while. Because she's been away and he can't be arsed hasn't had time to see her.
So I stupidly asked him to invite his parents for dinner tomorrow night.

Dh's much older brother lives with his parents and dh invited him over for dinner as well.
I can't stand bil. He is truly obnoxious. Has always been nasty to me, lots of bad history, dh is fully aware of how i feel. So as far as I'm concerned I only invited pil over for dinner. Not bil.

I'm happy to make an effort for pil. But I will not make any effort for bil.
It's turned into a huge cold war situation between me and dh, and dc are picking up on all the negativity.

So wibu to plan a girls night out tomorrow night, or just go out on my own and do nothing for a change, and let dh deal with his family? Knowing he is absolutely hopeless in this kind of this and I'm the one that generally does all the organizing for when we entertain?

OP posts:

wiltingfast · 11/01/2013 23:06

Jeez, it IS your husband's BROTHER you're excluding here! How would like it if he said he didn't want your sister in the house, she treated hikm like shit, left him out of conversations (yet argues with him)?

You'd think he was being ridiculous, she was your sister, he neede to get over it and no one was excluding your family from your home... But he's just a man so he should suck it up I guess?

Quite quite mad.

Tbh I was expecting some dramatic back story? Is there one????

lisianthus · 11/01/2013 23:26

Rubbish, wiltingfast. If I had a sibling who treated my DH like that, I wouldn't be inviting her over, and would ask her to leave if she did that while in our home. DH is my family as well, it's his home too, and he has a right to be treated courteously in it. How on earth can a marriage survive with that kind of "suck it up" attitude where you don't stick up for your spouse or care about his or her feelings?

katiecubs · 12/01/2013 00:04

What's his problem with you? Jealous of your relationship when he still lives at home?!

Try and take it as a complement and rise above it.

Inaflap · 12/01/2013 16:44

Just wishing you good luck. Channel your inner ice maiden and try and never be on your own near BIL. Do you think he is horrible to you because of what his brother has (wife, family, own homw). Whereas he is still at home with parents? Just mutter calming things to yourself, paste on a smile and ACT.

You can do this. You are a mumsnetter and a viper!

Fairenuff · 12/01/2013 17:00

I would most certainly absent myself.

But I'm not sure if you really would follow through with this OP.

The thing is, you have told your dh how his brother treats you and how it makes you feel, yet he felt 'obliged' to invite him anyway, because it would be impolite not to.

This speaks volumes. Actions speak louder that words and that is why I would go out and leave them to it.

I would also learn my lesson and not get involved in other family members' business again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2013 17:11

You just need to find a way to 'train' the BIL. Frankly, you need to get DH's back-up on this. I have a couple of difficult rellies on both sides and have developed ways of shutting them up dealing with them. What does BIL do, exactly so we can give you ammunition?

Sallyingforth · 12/01/2013 17:18

You need to go ahead with the dinner including BiL. Otherwise you are (unfairly) going to be blamed for spoiling the evening.

But you must lay down the law to DH that he is going to support you 100% and must step in immediately if BiL is rude to you in any way, on pain of whatever you know will hit him hardest if he fails to step up when required.

pingu2209 · 12/01/2013 19:43

Do you really want your dh to choose between you and his brother? Can't you see how unreasonable you are being to your dh?

As his brother lives with his parents, it is extremely difficult for him, as the brother/son, to invite his parents and not his brother.

I totally understand why he felt he couldn't invite one without the other.

However, I don't think your dh should allow anyone, family or friends, to speak to you or treat you in a disrespectful way. He wouldn't need to be rude to them, just firm.

Perhaps you can say to him that you will cook and entertain etc but if he doesn't have a zero tollerance on his brother's attitude to you (so not just what he says, but how he says it etc), then you will mysteriously receive a text on your mobile from a close friend that needs you straight away. Then leave the house and leave him to it.

Fairenuff · 13/01/2013 11:23

How did it go OP?

sayithowitis · 13/01/2013 11:36

Slightly off topic here, but still...

Can anyone explain to me why it is ok for a Bride and Groom to issue an invitation that specifically excludes their guests young children yet it is not ok for someone to issue an invitation to PILs for dinner that does not include an adult son?

choccyp1g · 13/01/2013 20:38

So OP how did it go?

choccyp1g · 13/01/2013 20:39

Please OP ...we all would love to hear the outcome.

Mia4 · 13/01/2013 20:52

sayithowitis The only thing i can think is the cost. Paying £50-199 (depending on whose wedding it is) per head as opposed to £5-10 from Tesco, can make people cut down and plus ones are first to go with kids usually the second to go.

However, I'm going to go against the grain, I don't think OP should have had to invite BIL. I've not invited my sibling/s when I've had parents over but perhaps that's because I'e treated it more like a double date. I've had my siblings over without the parents too and vice versa. I also think it's fine for a couple to do childfree weddings and not invite plus ones if they can't afford it. My close friend had a tiny budget wedding and couldn't invite my partner during the day, nor could she invite any other friends DPs or kids-it was a blanket thing so didn't bother either of us. He came in the evening to be greeted by my tipsy self.

thegreylady · 13/01/2013 20:57

The trouble is that the dinner invitation to p-i-l was your idea. Of course you can't go out. If b-i-l starts his nonsense use the mn putdown-"did you mean to be so rude?"

MidnightMasquerader · 13/01/2013 21:09

I disagree with the icy disdain and pithy retort advice.

The reason BIL winds you up is because he can. Because he gets a reaction.

The best way to handle these types, IMO, is to look as if you find them a bit laughable, pitiable, pathetic and generally as if they're a sorry state of affairs.

So yes, be absolutely polite and friendly and welcoming to PILs. But when it comes to BIL, just subtly act as if there's a bit of a private joke that he's not in on. A barely register-able smirk when he says something daft. A hint of an incredulous look when he does it again. A snigger here, an eye-rolly laugh there.

It will take the wind out of his sails completely. If he thinks you're laughing at him and don't take him seriously - it will do his head in.

I mean, what's up with him anyway, still living with Mummy and Daddy??! Why does he get to lord it over you?! Time to turn the tables...

PickledApples · 13/01/2013 21:16

Go out, take DC on an adventure - cinema, bowling, soft play, pottery (!) anything - eat out drive thru and go for warming hot chocolates somewhere. Tell husband what time you will be back, that you expect BIL to be gone by then. If he is still there - turn tail and go out again! He has the choice to respect your wishes or show his true colours...

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