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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

142 replies

nevermindthebuzzcocks · 11/01/2013 17:49

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. :(

OP posts:

Thisisaeuphemism · 12/01/2013 21:34

I sympathise too, op. .
DH also has a beer belly now. I adore him physically and always have. However, he is self conscious of it, and this can be off- putting, but more off putting is the thought - if you don't like it, why not try to change it?
I think the way to go is to encourage the healthier lifestyle and be clear, say its affecting your relationship and what can you do together to change that...

Original poster

nevermindthebuzzcocks · 13/01/2013 10:04

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. I'm so grateful to those who said I had a fair point. Those of you who felt I was being unreasonable - fair enough, I accept that it may come across that way.

Just waiting for the right moment to have a really good talk to him. X

OP posts:

FurryDogMother · 13/01/2013 11:31

Do a Google on the omentum (the proper name for the beer belly) and get him to read about the possible health issues that go along with having a big one (omentum, of course ).

He's obviously self conscious about it and would prefer not to have it. Exercise won't do a lot to get rid of it, I'm afraid, but a change in diet and what he drinks will. I would recommend (and I'm not a dietician or a doctor, I just have a husband with a belly, and have recently shed one myself) looking into low carb ways of eating, and swapping the beer for spirits with sugar free mixers.

There's a book called 'Wheat Belly' (I forget who wrote it) which might be worth a read. Cutting out wheat products (including beer) would probably bring the quickest results.

I sympathise with the way you feel about his belly - perhaps approaching it from a health perspective would take some of the more emotional aspects out of the discussion? Best of luck, it's not an easy topic to bring up in a way that doesn't put extra pressure on him and make him resistant to change.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 13/01/2013 12:31

If hes embarrassed, then help him with it, go out for walks, eat healthily, have a chat about his drinking, and agreed a weekly limit, get fit together and you'll both a much closer, healthier couple.

Dont demand things and say no sex, because this will damage his confidence even more.

HyvaPaiva · 13/01/2013 14:08

The amount of 'YANBU' on here is shocking to me. I don't understand how physical imperfection stops you wanting sex with the person you are in love with.

There is a current thread in the reverse (the OP's husband says SHE is too fat for sex) and the posters are saying 'leave the bastard!' Yet on here, everyone's supporting you, OP. It's the same scenario, why so different a response?

OP, focus on working together to get him fit and healthy, that's a great plan. Your feelings are deeper than the physical and you love your DH. For a beer belly to get in the way and stop you wanting sex is , particularly for your DH. I feel really sad for your DH and for the OP of the other thread. I'm afraid I think YABU.

SashaSashays · 13/01/2013 14:27

Hyva, I saw the thread on relationships and there are quite a few differences.

Primarily the other OP is a size 12 so not even fat, this OP says her husband has such a large belly that its getting in the way of the physical act.

Also this OP is trying to help her husband rather than just saying too fat, don't want him anymore. He hasn't accepted help, won't change and seems to think its not that bigger deal despite its ruined their sex life. She also still wants to be with him and ays she loves him.

It's a different situation, although yes it is typical mn contradictions to some degree.

scaredbutexcited · 13/01/2013 16:17

I think a constructive talk about how much you love him and why you are concerned would be good. I think an ultimatum would be unfair and counterproductive.

Thinking about it from my perspective, I am now six months pregnant and have a massive belly! I would be devasted if my DH said "no more sex" until after I had dieted following the birth. (I know pregnancy different to drinking beer but it may well take a while to get back to "normal" afterwards.)

CabbageLeaves · 13/01/2013 17:55

I think there is a world of difference between extreme weight gain thru' beer and pregnancy.

A size 12(other thread) is not comparable to the OPs DH.

Two separate issues.

----??

I also find all the suggestions that OP does all the weight loss work and motivating. Encouraging and supporting...yes. He needs to stop putting a beer can to his mouth. Simple step. for him

JaquelineHyde · 13/01/2013 18:36

Hyva I agree with you.

And unless we have seen both people involved we have no idea how big they are at all so we can't all start screaming about how a 12 isn't fat and that the beer belly is huge!

But as is usual on MN the man is a bastard and the op should leave him for not wanting to have sex with her, but the op of this thread gets tea and sympathy and the fat man must be given the ultimatum and stop putting the beer can to his mouth....Maybe Cabbage you could pop on the other thread and suggest the op stops putting the cream cake in her mouth

soulresolution · 13/01/2013 20:14

Wrong all round hyva and jaquelineHyde.

Despite the wording of the title it became clear after a few posts that the real problem here is the dh's attitude to his own body. He hates it so much that he refuses to have sex in any way other than with her on top and is paranoid about her touching or referring to the belly in any way. This has taken all the pleasure and affection out of sex for her - understandably - and hence her wondering if it would BU to refuse to do it any more. He also constantly says that he will do something about his weight issues but then can't seem to go through with it which I'm sure anyone would find really frustrating.

The situation on the other thread, where the partner is rejecting the op in a cold and cruel way, is quite different.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/01/2013 21:48

Agreed 100% Hyva and JaquelineHyde

As is all to often the case, objectivity is in short supply here

CabbageLeaves · 13/01/2013 21:56

Why would I tell a size 12 to stop eating cream cakes when there is nothing to suggest she does anyway?

Why would you not see alcohol abuse as a problem?

Original poster

nevermindthebuzzcocks · 13/01/2013 23:57

Thanks FDM for the proper word. I have found some really interesting stuff on google about Omentum. Some of it scares me to death.

I am genuinly concerned for his health too - as his best friend I should be being more forceful about this.

i hope i can't be compared with a man who refuses sex with a size 12 woman in a cold hearted way . i will pop over to relationships now to have a look.

OP posts:

DizzyZebra · 14/01/2013 05:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't fancy my OH if he got fat. It's not something i find attractive. I make an effort to keep my body in shape and i nearly always look good. I would be hurt if he didn't make the same effort. I'd probably end therelationship if he refused because i would take it as a confirmation that i'm not worth the effort.

Voiceofthevoiceless · 15/01/2013 10:30

Yanbu my wife got fat so I told her no sex until you loose weight as I couldn't maintain an erection around her.... she's talking about divorce now which I think is her being unreasonable. I have six pack abs and she is overweight its hardly fair, as soon as we got married she piled the pounds on as if she didn't have to make any effort anymore!

fuckwittery · 15/01/2013 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellerophon · 15/01/2013 11:22

Part of the problem here is the comparative element - the fact that the OP has made an effort in the last two months, and he hasn't. And she clearly resents that.

Are we really saying here that people with beer bellies can't have missionary sex where the man is on top?!! Clearly not. There are plenty of 20-stone gentleman making excellent love to their size 20 wives, and more power to them both I say.

I appreciate your candour, and I'm not having a go, but I do think YABU only from the perspective that you think "talking to him" (while witholding sex) will make things work.

No one likes being lectured. He's clearly either not happy with himself in some way and resorting to comforts he knows, or maybe trapped in a cycle. Get outdoors, do things together, find a way to change his metabolism without looking like you're changing him.

YANBU to not have sex with someone you don't fancy. But I don't like the thought that both partners have to maintain a weight ratio of some sort in order to continue a sexual relationship. Mothers gain weight during pregnancy, yet expect husbands to fancy them on either side of birth even if it takes two years to return to their former shape. People's metabolisms change, it's part of life..

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