To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

[nevermindthebuzzcocks]

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. :(

YABVVU Way to go if you want him to go elsewhere...simple as that. Missionary position is not the best with fat tums though lol...there are others.

I think YABU

We all have times where we're not at our best.

This is an opportunity to show your love is unconditional.

What if you get ill next year? Would you expect him to shun you because of appearances?

I don't think love for our partners is unconditional. That's an ideal.

Nor is fancying

You're being honest OP. YANBU

There is a world of difference between loving and being sexually attracted to someone who ages naturally, develops grey hairs and wrinkles and puts on a little bit of weight to doing the same for someone who has an extreme weight gain

My ex became v overweight. He once developed a skin infection where his beer belly was in contact with his thighs. Redness in the crease turned into ? Thrush?
He still expected sex.

Was I turned on? No. Do I matter? Apparently making him feel sexy is more important than me according to some on this thread. I don't consider myself shallow for finding 5stone and consequences of that a turn off

Current DP is not Adonis. It's not an issue because its not extreme.

ukatlast just to clarify - are you saying that women should have sex with their DPs regardless to ensure they don't go elsewhere?

neveronamonday I agree with everything you have said, I think looking after orselves shows our respect and love for our partners. I don't think it should be to the extreme either way ie ensuring we look exactly the same as before DCs etc or when we were 20 but I think it is important.

I've posted on here once but I really think people are being very harsh on your dp. Fancying someone is not unconditional and I don't want to say you are being unreasonable in feeling this way but I do think that if you genuinely love your dp and want to help him lose weight you are not going yo do this by telling him this and getting angry at him.

I really think from your description of his drinking and your sex life that he is possibly suffering from depression and self esteem issues and is using drink as a crutch in the same way as I used cake when I was depressed. I ate because I felt shit about myself and having a dp who was constantly critical about the way I looked as I gained weight only drove me to eat more. Then, of course, I felt even more shit about myself so ate more and dp was more critical and told me I wasn't making an effort and so I felt even worse and ate even more. It was finding a dp that assured me he adored me whatever I looked like and was there for me whatever that finally allowed me to realise that food had become a crutch for me and that I no longer needed it as I had him to lean on.

I know this is a bit rambly but what I am trying to say is that if he is drinking for similar reasons to why I ate then being critical of him and telling him your love is somehow conditional on his looks will drive him away from you and simply to drinking more. The best thing you could do to help him lose the weight is to make him realise that you love him no matter what and are there to support him no matter what (of course after 7 years of being told by you that your attraction to him is conditional it might take some work for him to actually believe you). You can then help him to deal with the reasons he is drinking and why he feels so crap about himself, if he had treatment in the past for depression it might be worth him goi back to this or looking at counselling or self help groups.

You can't just 'man up' out of depression and telling someone they are ugly and you don't fancy them anymore really is not going to help them deal with their self esteem issues.

On a slightly side note I think if a woman posted on here and said she had suffered from depression in the past and for the past 7years her dp had been constantly critical of her appearance to the extent that she could no longer deal with him looking at her during sex because she knew she revolted her there would be lots of shocked and appalled, leave the bastard faces being made. Even with the drinking she would be told to look for help to deal with her drinking. I don't think many people would be saying her dp was completely reasonable and she should just sort herself out, stop drinking and lose weight as she had brought it all on herself.

hammyimo this isn't really q case of a time when he's not at his best this is almost a decade of systematically increasing his belly.

I don't think it can be compared to another sort of change - if he had lost a leg in the war I like to think I wouldn't be so shallow as to not want him sexually.

Can I just confirm I have not been telling him he is ugly for years. He sometimes says you don't fancy me anymore and I always reply - I love your face, your legs and bum are great but I am, as you know, struggling with your tummy.
We often tell each other we love each other - because we do.
I have not actually refused him sex I'm asking WOULD it be wrong? Because I don't want my sex life to be like this for the rest of my life.

Lastly, I don't think a man should make love to someone he no longer finds attractive either.

Neveronamonday - alas we have been down that road so many times. He is always GOING to start swimming but then decides he doesn't want everyone looking at his belly in the pool. We manage the occasional walk but not enough to have an impact.

No YANBU. Sex is also about attraction.

I can completely understand why he wouldn't want to go swimming, being nearly naked and surrounded by young fit people when you are self-conscious about your body is a bit nightmarish! Not sure a gym would work either -you're not quite as exposed but still surrounded by very fit (and often a bit competitive) types, male and female, which will only exacerbate his bad feelings.

I suggested biking when I posted last night - it's a fun thing to do together and people often find they improve quickly, doesn't require any special equipment other than the bike, is low impact and suits all shapes and sizes - is he not interested?

If you don't want to have sex then don't that's that but you must talk to your dh about it and give him the oppertunity to lose the weight.

However, if you think it is just going to be as simple as that you may be in for a shock.

Some people will take that as the last straw and start losing weight.

But for others this will just be another added pressure and although your dh will probably want to lose the weight and enjoy a full relationship with you it may not be something he is able to control just yet.

Do not take this as a sign that the relationship is over or that he doesn't love you!

Also having a huge stomach does not mean all you can do is go on top! Trust me this is rubbish and you need to be talking to your dh about trying different things in the bedroom as well as about him losing weight.

Imagine how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
I wouldn't tell him, it would shatter him
Instead why not come up with new meals that are lower in fat, ask him to gradually his alcohol intake and go on walks together and maybe take part in a more active hobby together as a couple?

Unless severely overweight, I Don't think it would be right to withhold sex.
Withholding sex isn't the right way to go about it and tbf he will lose more calories taking part than not at all.

reduce his alcohol intake

May I ask if it is just sex that is the problem? Are you and your partner still otherwise affectionate, snuggle up on the sofa, hold hands, kiss etc?

Also is the no touching/looking at his abdomen rule his idea or yours?

Tell him how you feel. I tell my dh if he's eating too much junk or is getting chunkier, likewise he's mentioned to me too. We support one another on eating healthier and exercising. I've suffered with my weight all my life and work really hard to control it, it's a constant battle but I fight it for me first and foremost. I really don't think it's wrong to broach with a partner, if my dh was to gain loads of weight it would really affect our relationship.

Neither of us are skinny, we are average build and I have plenty wobbly wobbly bits but it would get out of hand if we let it slide.

If the shoe was on the other foot I think I'd make the effort for him. God, I'd hate someone to be making love to me and wishing I had a smaller belly or whatever!

To answer the question regarding affection, we do hold hands and snuggle on the sofa BUT he has started putting a cushion over his belly which has the effect of making it larger. We don't always sleep in the same bed because he now snores - again this never happened before.

We do have bikes and we do sometimes go for bike rides with our children but again it is rare. TBH he could do an hour on a bike = great and them come home and drink 8 cans of beer = what was the fucking point of the bike ride.

Sorry if you have posted and I've not answered - I'm reading all the posts and am very grateful for your comments - it's just that I'm on my phone so struggle to name check.

Ps. We did go for councelling years ago regarding another matter and his drinking was touched on then. I fear I'm going to have to suggest more councelling.

The drinking is the issue. Only your DP can tackle this.

All you can manage is your reaction to it. You should never have sex out of obligation or as a favour to demonstrate your commitment.

He obviously isn't committed enough to stop downing pints of beer.

I can understand this. And men do stop fancying their partners due to weight gain, all the time. They might not say it, but they do.
I think the problem is an alchohol dependency, and the fact that it is making him uptight and weird about sex.
I have been with men of all shapes and sizes, in fact the guy who was the best in bed was also, objectively, the one with the biggest belly and the "ugliest " face. I thought he was ace. This was mainly due to the fact that he had bags of confidence and no massive ego getting in the way. And he was a genius at oral sex
Self consciousness and ego are the enemies of great sex, more than bellies.
If I were you I would shower him with love and reassurance. That is far more likely to help him change his ways than reminding him of his shortcomings.
You love him. Be his friend, be on his side and help him feel better if you can. If he needs more than this, get him in touch with a counsellor or group who may be able to help with his drinking.

I think there is more to this issue than the size of your dh belly op. I have a dh with a big round belly and he is slightly shorter than me. However we have a healthy sex life and no issue seeing each other naked, touching etc. years of practice mean we know each others 'preferences'. Imo good sex is not about perfect bodies slotting together like jigsaw pieces, it is a good connection on an emotional and imaginative level.

I worry about dh health and want him to lose weight and yes i would find that more attractive, but I still enjoy sleeping with him as he is now. Sexual rejection is hard for anyone to deal with, I understand the lessening of your attraction but it is a sad situation for you both.

I hear you. Same situation with me. Two years ago,after the birth of dc2 I made a determined effort to slim down and more importantly, get healthy. I went from a size 14 to now a size 6 but husband has remained at 16 stone. Quite frankly, he is too heavy on me to have sex. Tis difficult. And I sympathise x

IfNot i gained weight AFTER being rejected by my husband over a number of years. So sometimes it happens the other way round too.
After losing ten stone i had a long term affair. The guy i had the affair with wasnt what you would call conventionally good looking. But My God the chemistry and connection between us was electric. I kept the weight off during my affair because i had a reason to. OM and i split 5 years ago and i comfort ate after my affair ended. I am now trying to put it right.
I guess what im saying is when you hear a man saying he is no longer attracted to his wife because she has gained weight, dont always assume he is telling the truth. He could have rejected her first.
I thought my situation was unique until i posted on here 18 months ago. Then i found out that it wasnt.