To be fed up with unreliable friend.

[CanIRingTheBell]

I do like her and I'm generally a patient person but I am running out of patience now.

She keeps inviting me to her house for a coffee during the day whilst our children are at school. About 6 weeks ago, she approached me at the start of the week and asked if I was free for coffee on the Friday. I said I was, and we arranged a time, at her house. On the Friday I turned up at her house at the said time only to find no one was in. She doesn't live far from me so I went home, and text her to say I hoped everything was ok as I'd been to her house as planned and she hadn't been there. I received no reply until the Sunday, when she said she'd been tired so had gone back to bed once she'd dropped the children at school.

I thought perhaps she'd been ill or feeling down or something like that, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt that time, and a couple of weeks later she invited me round again, which I accepted, but this time rather than turn up at her house, I decided to phone her on the morning just to double check arrangements. There was no reply on her landline 10 minutes before I was due round to hers, so I left an answerphone message saying I had been ringing to check all was ok for this morning, but I was assuming something had cropped up as she wasn't home, could she give me a quick call if she still wanted to go round. And nothing, no reply, until 2 days later again when she sent a quick text saying sorry she hadn't answered her phone but she'd been ill and had left her phone in the car so couldn't text me.

I decided after that to just leave it. I wouldn't class her as a good friend, so I thought I'd let it go, having given her a fair chance. However she approached me at the school again yesterday and asked was I free this morning. I said that I wasn't and she then looked crestfallen and said it was such a shame as she really wanted to catch up with me as we hadn't met up for ages. And now I feel really bad, but tbh I don't want to keep being messed around by her. I know there's the possibility she could be ill or depressed but she's still going to work, and going to the gym each week so she can't be that bad.

I can just see it getting into a pattern of her letting me down all the time if I let her.

I think I'd be letting it go, too. If you really felt you wanted to give it one more shot, you could, but I'd certainly be doing "three strikes and you're out"

That's what I was thinking too VoiceofUnreason, perhaps one more shot. Looking back though, she asked me on a night out around September time and I said yes, I'd love to go, and she then never followed it through even though she was the one organising it. I feel with her that she's quite vague, she suggests things but then expects other people to chase her up and make the plans.

YANBU. That would annoy me too. If you're not fussed about being friends with her I'd just keep making excuses til she stops asking. If you want to try to get to the bottom of things then next time she asks tell her straight that you worry about making arrangements with her in case she bails out again. Or try to say something in a jokey way like "I would - but I'm not sure you really want me to because you're never there when I actually come round." x

I think I would let it fall by the wayside too, as I wouldn't constantly want to be let down.

Yanbu and I certainly wouldn't bother with her again.

Life's too short for this type of shit.

She seems to think her time is way more precious than yours.

I'd be straightforward and say you've really wanted to meet up too, but each time she has had a problem and that impacts on you. For whatever reason, it sounds as though it would be best to let the friendship go by the wayside, but I think it would benefit you both to clear the air on this. You deserve an explanation and she needs gently reminding that people have busy lives so if she makes commitments with friends she needs to stick to them to keep those friends!

I don't feel like I know her well enough to be totally honest with her about it all.

I was just wondering if you had asked her round to yours at all? Did she go?

I'd give her one more chance. She obviously wants to meet up with you. But I think ringing before you go like you did already is a good idea. You could also say to her very clearly when you make the arrangement that if she can't make it for whatever reason, then she is to let you know, and just say that it isnt fair on you.

Yes she's been round mine once; however when invited round here we made the arrangments, and then on the day I saw her on the morning school run and said "See you at 10" and she said "Oh! I assumed it was cancelled because I didn't hear from you" She did come though, although she was an hour late. I've invited her round one other time when some other friends were coming round too and she didn't even reply to the text.

It's like if she suggests something she wants me to chase it up, and if I suggest something she wants me to chase it up. It's all vague.

reading everything back that I've written about her I think I have the answer to my own question...

I find with people like this it is best to arrange something straight after drop off. That way they have no reason to be late/go back to bed.

You could invite her back to yours straight after drop off and see how it goes? If it doesn't work well then there doesn't have to be a next time

I know someone like this. I'm not really bothering with her anymore!

Our children are best friends at school and we have babies a similar age so it would have been nice to get friendly but we've arranged to meet or go round to one another's houses for coffee so many times and every time she isn't "feeling too great" or "was up with the baby in the night". The baby excuse is particularly annoying as I've usually been up with mine too!

I've come to the conclusion that maybe she doesn't really like me but nevermind! I don't think this is the case in your situation, OP but I would still cut her loose because it's a PITA being let down. You could have made other plans for the day!

I think that deep down she probably doesn't value my friendship, as I always think that if someone really really wants to meet up with someone and spend time with them then they will no matter what. I can't help but feel too that the way she has treated me is quite disrespectful.

I would probably give it one last shot, if she messes you about again din bother with her

I went through similar situation last year and guess what, I will not class her as a friend this year. She is dumped.

I had a lovely friend ( and she was lovely ) who did this weekly " oh lets go to the cinema on Friday " or " coffee tomorrow ? " and forever cancelling plans or just not bothering to turn up i just stopped bothering . I did soften when she was a bit pissed on a subsequent night out and apologise for 'being a shit mate' though

what I can't understand is how these flakey people actually have and keep friends? Do they just drift from friend to friend? Are they genuinely not bothered about who they upset and about whether or not people like them? Are they just so self centred they see nothing from anyone else's point of view?

Why don't you just say 'well the other two times you've made arrangement with me, you've not come through on them and I don't want to waste another morning' or something to that effect.

She'll know that you find it unacceptable for her to just change her mind and not let you know.

OldBag, no, she doesn't seem to meet up with many people really. She's actually moaned before that she has very few friends and feels lonely.

Dippy but not malicious so if the mood takes you next time you see her why not suggest, right now, this minute, come to mine for a quick cuppa. If she's genuinely keen to chat she'll accept. Otoh if you're not fussed, don't bother, she has to put some effort in.

I think ultimately it could come down to lack of confidence with her, like she wants me to reassure her I want to come by contacting her beforehand. I find sometimes though that she just doesn't reply to texts. I sent her one over Xmas wishing them a happy xmas and got no reply, and sent her one on her birthday a couple of months ago too and again got no reply. But I know she uses her phone as she texts me!

I am not surprised she feels lonely if she is unable to commit to or stick to arrangements. Just leave her be. Not your problem, so dont waste any more of your time on her.