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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be annoyed at my bil and his girlfriend

26 replies

chester21 · 10/01/2013 18:02

Aibu to get annoyed over my bil and his girlfriend impending wedding. To start at the begining ive not really hot on with them from first off dont know why they up until recently not done anything to me. They got engaged about a year ago which is fine apart from we still havent been told we found out via a social networking site. We recently lost my mil and they have announced that they are getting married in her birthday this will be the first year we will be marking her birthday since her tragic death. aibu to think that its a bit out of order. my other issue is they r getting married a fair distance from.where we all live snd expect us to travel.a good three hours with a young toddler just for a ceremony as the evening party is held at a later date. Another point i jsve is that yhe only resson we eere told was so that i didnt arrang my friends hen do at the same time otherwise we would still be in the dark until invites arrive.

OP posts:
FellatioNels0n · 10/01/2013 18:04

Er...yes, you are. On all counts.

DreamingofSummer · 10/01/2013 18:06

Posting in English would be nice

oldebaglady · 10/01/2013 18:06

yes, lots of people hold their weddings on recently deceased family members birthdays to sort of include them and have them there.. of sorts.

you. don't. have. to. go. y'know!

do them a favour and decline if you're going to go with a cat's bum!

CheCazzo · 10/01/2013 18:08

Yeah but no but yeah but no but shu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!

ihearsounds · 10/01/2013 18:08

3 hours is nothing, so thats a very lame excuse.
People mention dates all the time before invites are sent, but maybe this is just my world. I think thats a good idea really, as you can also test the waters so to speak to make sure that the people you want to spend time with will be able to make it, before going ahead and booking date, sending invites etc.

whattodoo · 10/01/2013 18:09

So what is it they've done wrong?

Not made a formal engagement announcement, merely let everyone know via facebook?

Chosen to mark bil's mother's birthday with their wedding?

Chosen an inconvenient (for you) location?

Given you an early warning of the date to help you avoid a diary clash?

CloudsAndTrees · 10/01/2013 18:10

I'm not sure where your actually reason for being annoyed is.

Were you expecting them to plan their wedding to revolve around you rather than make perfectly acceptable plans to make themselves happy for their own special day?

Convert · 10/01/2013 18:11

Leave the bastards Grin

pictish · 10/01/2013 18:12

Yabu. None of those things are any of your business or within your jurisdiction.

ihearsounds · 10/01/2013 18:12

Also are you sure that this wasnt something they discussed before his mum died? Maybe it was one of her last wishes to have a wedding or a birth on her birthday, a way so she would always be there.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 10/01/2013 18:14

My brother is getting married later this year, it would take me over 24 hours to get there (no idea of the exact time) I wish it was only3 hours away then I could actually go!

TeamSledward · 10/01/2013 18:14

Here, have a Biscuit.

crikeybill · 10/01/2013 18:16

ERM..what exactly have they done wrong ?

maddening · 10/01/2013 18:21

Yabu - it's his mother's death and if he wants to use that date to mark it as a memory to her then that's his choice and nothing to do with you.

They are entitled to get married wherever they want - you don't have to attend but personally think you go the extra mile for a family member's wedding.

It's nice they hope you attend the hen do don't you think?

spidermanspiderman · 10/01/2013 18:23

YABU. Think your jealousy/ dislike of them for no reason is clouding your judgement. You could try to be pleased for them and actually look forward to sharing in their day. I think bil will need love and support on day esp as his mother will not be able to be there rather than someone whining and acting like a brat. Try thinking of someone other than yourself for a change.

Original poster
chester21 · 10/01/2013 18:28

I believe my reasons for being annoyed is that theve not mentioned anything to my fil. my oh isnt happy with the date either he feels it wouldnt be a joyous occasion this year but on any other year yes it would be. i do know dates were not discussed with my mil before her death as she was unhappy about the engagement as such due to my bil not telling them personally we were under the assumption that they had been told so.when we mentioned it five days after it had been posted on social site they hadnt a clue what we were talking about.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/01/2013 18:32

Why are you getting involved?
As his sil through marriage, you don't get a say. If your dh and fil are put out for whatever reasons within their family, then it's up to them to sort it out surely?

Pagwatch · 10/01/2013 18:33

It sounds as though the date is the biggest issue for you but are you sure that they are being insensitive?
They may have chosen it to mark her birthday or they may have not noticed.

Tbh I think it's not really your concern. I would kep out of it.

IneedAgoldenNickname · 10/01/2013 18:34

Did they book the wedding before your mil died? Or is it possible that's the only date they could get?

CloudsAndTrees · 10/01/2013 18:34

Your OH is being a bit silly. It's not like they are planning their wedding on the anniversary of his mothers death. It's her birthday. Birthdays are occasions to be celebrated, to be thankful that someone existed and had a life.

The wedding will have a tinge of sadness that your MIL isn't there whenever it took place.

Maybe your BIL and his GF have a much more positive and nicer outlook on thins than you do.

What did you want to do on the birthday instead?

DontmindifIdo · 10/01/2013 18:42

OK, bit by bit, let's take this. Firstly, the venue for the wedding, is this somewhere near where the bride's family lives or a venue that means something to them? If it's just the wedding ceremony, does that mean they have picked a small group of people who mean a lot to them to spend the day with but are having 'big extended friends and family' to the wedding party a later date? That means they've decided you are one of the important people in their lives. This isn't an insult, you've been selected as 'close'.

The very fact that it's your MIL's birthday might be why they've decided to separate the wedding ceremony from the party - it could well be that they think it's fitting to get married on her birthday with just people who are close to them (as it'll be an emotionally charged day) but don't want to throw a party on that day - that seems very considerate to extended family's feelings. This is your BIL's mother we are talking about, not yours, if he wants to mark his mother's birthday in this way so it's never forgotten between him and his DP, that's a really big gesture.

When you were told - normal etiquette for a wedding is to send formal invites 6-8 weeks prior to the event, however as that is rather short notice, so as you might have had something else going on, they've contacted you to ensure you can hold the date, as I guess they aren't planning on doing "save the date" cards as well as invites. That's actually rather considerate - again, they obviously want your DH (BIL's brother) to be there and are ensuring that you can all make it.

Re travelling with a toddler, 3 hours away isn't bad you know, it's perfectly do able. If you really think it's going to be a problem, go the night before and stay over so you only have to do the drive one way on the day.

But most of all, you are acting like you are the key person in all this, it is BIL's mother who has died, I know several people who got married or engaged shortly after a parent dying as it made them stop and think about what was important to them - I can also see that if his engagement came close after his mother's death he wouldn't want to throw a big engagement party or make a big fuss about his engagement at the time. It might be all linked in his mind to losing his mum.

DontmindifIdo · 10/01/2013 18:45

oh, just seen your MIL didn't approve of the engagement - well then I think that's answered why just after she died they didn't feel they could do a big engagement announcement and party! It must be hard to know your dying mother doesn't approve of your partner...

Original poster
chester21 · 10/01/2013 18:59

Dontmindifido the wedding is in just over four weeks official invites havent been sent yet i do know the wedding is on a weekday which is leaving it a bit short notice for my other half to get the day off work. I think its lovely that they chose the date but i do think he should have discussed/asked his fathers and brothers opinion. I will not be able to make the evening party as i do have another family party ive already committed to attending

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 10/01/2013 19:09

I'm thinking that you and your DH where lucky to get an invite

TandB · 10/01/2013 20:33

I'm confused.

You say in your OP that you think they are "out of order" over the date. In your subsequent post you say that you think that it is "lovely."

And YABVU regarding the wedding being 3 hours away - should they have arranged it for your convenience rather than theirs?

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