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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExP is saying he wants to take me to court

49 replies

AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 17:19

For full custody of DS.

Sorry this isn't an AIBU but I know this is the busiest topic.

DS is 9 months and exP and I split before he was born (exP left for his ex girlfriend..who is now also pregnant)

He is on DS's birth certificate, after a fashion now pays maintenance, and sees him every other weekend. I have offered him more time plenty of times as he could see him every weekend if he wanted to but he wants to keep it every other weekend.

So I am I obviously very much DS's main carer. Things are 'ok' with me and exP now but we have had a few very tense times since DS was born.

I have just received a text from him saying he will be taking me to court as he wants full custody of DS?! Can be even do this? I really know nothing about court or what I even need to do but how likely would this be?

I'm now concerned that he won't bring DS back this weekend, but don't want to disrupt DS's schedule too much. If he kept DS, is there anything I could do about it? He has PR since he's on the birth certificate but DS has always lived with me.

I feel so upset and so scared.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 10/01/2013 17:22

He is entitled to go to court if he wishes but it is unlikely he will be awarded full custody unless he knows something about you that you haven't told us! If he works then this will cost him a lot so it might just all be bluster.

littlewhitebag · 10/01/2013 17:22

Also, if i was you i would go and get legal advice just so you can keep yourself right.

manicbmc · 10/01/2013 17:26

Get advice and have your fears logged about flight risk. Make sure he doesn't have access to any passports or official documents concerning your ds as you are his primary carer.

If he was to refuse to return your son, it would count against him in a very serious way if this goes to court.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 17:27

I have never hurt DS, haven't had a drink since before I was pregnant, don't go out and leave him with anyone etc so nothing like that.

It might sound silly but him and his family have more money and a better house than me and I'm worried the court would think he's better off with them.

Part of me thinks he's just trying to scare me, he likes to have control over me. If that's what he wants it's really worked.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 17:28

If he refused to bring DS back is he allowed to do that? Is there nothing I could do?

OP posts:
thegreylady · 10/01/2013 17:29

I would get a free consultation with a solicitor.If the weekend contact is a casual arrangement you need to get something legal in place.
It sounds as if he is being wound up by someone else-a new gf perhaps or his family.it doesnt sound from the rest of your post as if he would want or cope with full custody.
Perhaps you could try to talk to him about what is going on.I wouldn't let him have ds unsupervised until this is sorted.

manicbmc · 10/01/2013 17:29

In that case, it's a control thing. Once his next child turns up, he'll lose interest in pursuing this probably.

If he has plenty of cash, he'll have to pay fees so it'll come to nothing.

wilkos · 10/01/2013 17:32

You have hit the nail on the head OP, he is trying to scare you and control you. My DH did this to me when we first separated, purely because he's an evil so and so who was trying to frighten me into taking him back.

It nearly worked, until the following morning when I spoke to my solicitor who told me he didnt have an icicles chance in hell of getting custody.

YorkshireDeb · 10/01/2013 17:35

Courts don't base their decision on who has the biggest house. The vast majority of the time custody is awarded to mothers anyway, with some contact arrangements for fathers. The sorts of things people are suggesting might swung things in his favour are if you were an alcoholic or drug addict - that is, he has some reason to believe you are not able to care for your child to an adequate level. Personally I think he's trying to scare you. And I also think he's insane cos he'd spend an awful lot of money in court just to have other people point out he's a dick who doesn't deserve full custody of your child. X

YorkshireDeb · 10/01/2013 17:37

And no, he's not allowed to take your child & not bring him back. As far as I know that's called child abduction & is against the law. Doesn't matter that he's the father. You're the mother. He can't take your child away without permission. X

millie30 · 10/01/2013 17:41

Actually if there is no court order in place and he has PR all the police would be able to do is speak to him and check the welfare of your DS if he didn't return him. But you could get an emergency hearing for him to be returned and it would go against your ExP. I think you need to save all his communications and speak to a solicitor asap.

pingu2209 · 10/01/2013 17:47

There is a lot of sickness bugs going around, would it be plausible to text/email him and say that your ds is ill with D&V and so needs to stay at home and away from his pregnat girlfriend as you wouldn't want anyone else to get it, especially a pregnant woman.

This will buy you time and allow you to get legal advice.

BelleoftheFall · 10/01/2013 17:50

Don't reply to the message. Let him see that it won't get any reaction out of you. Say absolutely nothing to him about it and if he brings it up in person just nod or say "Okay then". Don't give him any emotional reaction or engage in an argument or debate, or he'll just see it as a successful tool to use against you.

Bogeyface · 10/01/2013 17:51

Totally agree with pingu that you need a political illness right now to buy you some time. All you need to say is that he has had a really runny nappy and been sick, at 9 months your child cant be questioned on it.

Then get to a solicitor asap, tomorrow if you can. If you explain the urgency then I am sure you will be able to get an appointment.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 17:56

I am on benefits and have just moved house so I can't afford legal fees if it comes to that?

Thanks all so much for advice already, I was getting myself in such a tizz.

OP posts:
zippey · 10/01/2013 17:56

I am wondering if you should give your son over to him at all this weekend. You dont say if it is a court ordered or voluntary arrangement that you have with regarding visitation. If it is voluntary maybe the best thing to do is keep hold of your son and work your way through the legal system and make everything official.

Im not sure if this is the best advice or if it would count against you, but its a suggestion, especially if you are worried he wont bring DS back.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 17:58

His contact with DS is informally arranged between us I just don't know what is best right now. If he didn't bring DS back I would be completely heartbroken he knows DS is the best way he can get at me. But if I don't let him are DS as you say it could count against me if we go to court and also disrupt DS's life.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 10/01/2013 17:58

If you're on benefits you will get legal aid. Your best bet is the citizens advice bureau as a starting point.

Don't let your ds go this weekend, as others have said.

littlewhitebag · 10/01/2013 17:59

If you are on benefits you might qualify for legal aid. It is worth going to a lawyer and finding out. Choose one which specialises in family law.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2013 18:03

What reason has he given and was there anything like an argument previous to the text?

Amytheflag · 10/01/2013 18:04

I agree with the others. Make an excuse for this weekend and don't let him go. The police can't force him to bring your son back and it can get messy when you have to fight to get him back. As long as it will look like a valid reason to keep him home this weekend it won't be used against you in the future either. What a turnip he sounds though.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 18:10

No argument at all, the last text between us is me asking if he would like any of DS's old baby equipment for the new baby!! Totally out of the blue.

OP posts:
funkybuddah · 10/01/2013 18:23

My friends ex tried this and also refused to tell her his new address , she went to a solicitor who issued him with a letter saying that she feared he wouldnt return baby etc and it actually made him apologise to her, i think he realised she wasnt going to be intimidated (she still was but he didnt know that) and they managed to work out a good routine.

A visit to a solicitor is well worth it

CloudsAndTrees · 10/01/2013 18:30

You would be very very wrong to lie to your child's Father so that he can't see him. I'm shocked that so many apparently rational people are advising you to do that. It's terrible advice, and it would be an awful thing for you to do.

Your fear that he might not bring your ds home after his visit may or may not be rational, but from what you have posted so far, you have no valid reason to think that he might not bring him back. If you are considering lying to prevent your child from seeing his Dad, then the Father has far more to fear from you then you have to fear from him.

CarlingBlackMabel · 10/01/2013 18:33

I would post this in Legal, with a title "Ex threatening to go to court for full residence" so that the family lawyers who post in Legal can advise you.

Extremely unlikely that he would get anywhere near getting residence of your baby, but in your place I would seek advice to ensure he doesn't try and keep him after this weekend.

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