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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExP is saying he wants to take me to court

49 replies

AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 17:19

For full custody of DS.

Sorry this isn't an AIBU but I know this is the busiest topic.

DS is 9 months and exP and I split before he was born (exP left for his ex girlfriend..who is now also pregnant)

He is on DS's birth certificate, after a fashion now pays maintenance, and sees him every other weekend. I have offered him more time plenty of times as he could see him every weekend if he wanted to but he wants to keep it every other weekend.

So I am I obviously very much DS's main carer. Things are 'ok' with me and exP now but we have had a few very tense times since DS was born.

I have just received a text from him saying he will be taking me to court as he wants full custody of DS?! Can be even do this? I really know nothing about court or what I even need to do but how likely would this be?

I'm now concerned that he won't bring DS back this weekend, but don't want to disrupt DS's schedule too much. If he kept DS, is there anything I could do about it? He has PR since he's on the birth certificate but DS has always lived with me.

I feel so upset and so scared.

OP posts:

Spero · 10/01/2013 18:39

you may not qualify for legal aid after April as it is being cut for all private law cases unless abuse is involved.

he is entitled to apply to court for a full residence order if he wishes but I do not see he would have any hope at all, unless as someone said there is something awful about your parenting that you haven't shared with us.

the courts are very big on status quo. There would have to be a really compelling reason to shift a 9 month old from one house to another. This is the life and the routine he knows, he is about to enter a particular stage of development where he is likely to feel anxiety about separation from his primary carer... I have been doing these cases for 10 years now and I just can't see it happening.

if he has contact and doesn't return the child, you can apply for an urgent residence order, courts are usually quite good at dealing with this quickly.

i know it is easy for me to say but try and keep calm and maintain a dialogue. He could have some genuine but misguided reasons for this or he could just be a nasty bully. Either way, he cannot act unilaterally and the court will be very slow to switch primary residence without very good reason.

TandB · 10/01/2013 18:43

What Spero said. All things being equal, he doesn't have a hope in hell and probably doesn't even have any intention of following through on the threat.

complexnumber · 10/01/2013 18:53

Can you actually see the situation through his eyes?
I'm not trying to imply he is right or wrong, just an appreciation of different perspectives.

There are many single mums who might cry out for the involvement that your Ex seems to be seeking

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 19:03

complex as stated in my op I have offered him increased contact numerous times. Every time he drops off DS I say to him he can have him the next weekend if he doesn't have plans, or to let me know if he has time off work so he can see him. He has still only ever seen him every other weekend. When he got his new girlfriend pregnant he decided to deny my son for 2 months.

I don't think most single mums would love for their exPs to try to take their child away from them.

OP posts:

JumpingJackSprat · 10/01/2013 19:08

Agree with clouds and trees. you have no reason to suspect he will not return the child. faking illness seems like youre deliberately withholding access and thats not fair on anyone most of all your son.

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 19:15

I didn't say I would fake an illness?

I agree that withholding access isn't what's best for my son. My reasons for thinking exP might not bring him back is that when he gets these ideas in his head he can act really unreasonably (like the example above of denying DS)

Of course as a mum it's my biggest fear so I may be overreacting.

OP posts:

oldraver · 10/01/2013 19:27

I agree with others for him not to go to his fathers this weekend, he IS threatening to take your child away by saying he is going for full custody which he doesnt have a hope of getting and he must know it.

You need to seek a residency order and put access on a legal footing. You would not be denying access just temporarily suspending it until it can be sorted out.

The fact that he has been so stupid as to threaten to go for full access I woudn't trust him to not return your son.

McNewPants2013 · 10/01/2013 19:28

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Get a residency order, then the child by law has to be returned to you

McNewPants2013 · 10/01/2013 19:28

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Clickable link

mumandboys123 · 10/01/2013 19:36

I know it's horrible and you won't believe me but you'd have to be a drug-addicted, alcoholic, living on the streets mother (and then some) before the courts would seriously consider removing a baby under a year old from it's mother.

What has prompted this? Have you had an argument this week? Did you threaten not to let him see the baby (even if you didn't mean it)? Have you threatened to move away or anything at all that might have frightened him? Do think carefully - sometimes we say things without understanding their potential impact.

It is likely he's got a bee in his bonnet about something. Ignore him. Saying is very different to doing. And if he takes you to court, he will need to show that he has attempted mediation first to resolve whatever issue it is he has with you. I would say just ignore the text (but keep it) and see what happens. If he hasn't actually said he won't return your son then you have no reason to stop contact - I know it's worrying but if you're going to court you really do need to think 'whiter than white' and give the court no reason to doubt your version of events. If you start a 'tit for tat' campaign, it will do you no good whatsoever.

If he doesn't return him, you will need to go to court on Monday - it will cost you approx. £200 (or nothing if you are able to prove you are on certain benefits - you will need to take proof with you) and you will need to ask for an urgent ex parte hearing with a judge (ex parte means without notice - just you and the judge, no one from his side). The court staff will give you the paperwork to fill out and you basically sit there until a judge has 5 minutes to see you. In the majority of cases, a judge would order that the child is returned to you - you get paperwork to this effect from the judge that you then take to your ex. If he refuses to return baby even with this, you have to go back to court, probably in a week's time and he'll have a solicitor and a story by then - and it had better be a good one! It is really, really unlikely to ever get that far, however. Most dads do a lot of threatening 'cos they know it hurts but they don't actually go through with it. You could obviously engage a solicitor on Monday to do this for you - if you are worried, have a ring round a few tomorrow, explain what is happening and ask them to be 'alert' to any problems next week.

Oh, has your ex accused you of anything in relation to neglecting or abusing the baby in some way?

mumandboys123 · 10/01/2013 19:40

'by Law' doesn't mean much with a Residence Order, McNewPants. I have one - but couldn't get the Police to return a breastfed 10 month old when dad decided to keep him overnight. He did return him the next day but the Police basically directed me back to the courts unless I could tell them that he was at risk in some way in my ex's care and I clearly wouldn't have handed him over if that was the case, would I?!!! Not really worth the paper they're written on, in my opinion.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 10/01/2013 19:44

Try to have every instance where he has refused more contact recorded. Just write them down in a notebook if it was all verbal, but if you can do it by text and keep the texts or emails that's even better.

He really hasn't a hope of getting residency. He almost certainly doesn't even want it - he is about to have a newborn and his GF surely won't want to be caring for a 9MO as well. This is either abusive nasty bullshit destined to go nowhere - or perhaps his parents could be pressuring him? Either way, keep a record of every time you offered more contact and he refused it. He'll be laughed out of court (not that it will get to court, this is a whim).

Seabird72 · 10/01/2013 19:45

and just how would his new pregnant gf feel about raising your child and her own when it comes along or will your ex be at home all day? Go to the CAB and get some advice but you have been the main carer of your child since he was born (well before!) and you split before the birth and he has himeself a new partner and baby on the way - the courts would take all of that into consideration IF it even got that far - chances are his solicitor would tell him he has very little chance of success unless he could prove neglect. Maybe you should respond to his text and ask why he's suddenly proposing this when everything has been fine recently and you haven'tstopped him having access. Even if he thinks that you being on benefits is a problem the courts won't. The main thing is not to panic, seek legal advice to put your mind at rest and maybe even speak to a solicitor anyway to have the current access rights put into writing.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/01/2013 19:47

Unless your a risk to your son, the courts wouldnt move a 9 month old from his mother, fathers have to prove beyond all doubt, he would be the better RP, so its a scare tactic, mostly used by men who are complete twats.

Mayisout · 10/01/2013 19:48

I bet he has just found out the sex of the GF

Mayisout · 10/01/2013 19:51

Oops
I bet he has just found out the sex of the GF's new baby and decided that it would be nice to bring it up with a ready made DBrother.
GF will probably have a fit when she hears this new plan.

The legal thread is here

Mayisout · 10/01/2013 19:52

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

addictedtolatte · 10/01/2013 19:55

If you have no skeletons in your closet he's got bomb hope and no hope. Let him waste his money. The courts don't take into account material possessions you can offer your child its about whether you meet your childs needs which you obviously can. Good look op and don't stress you have nothing to worry about

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/01/2013 19:56

If my ex threatened to go to court for full custody, I'd laugh in his face, he only sees her overnight every 4 to 6 weeks, that'll change now he has a new gf.

sleepsforwimps2010 · 10/01/2013 20:30

i have a friend whos ex did the same... left before ds was born then got a new preg gf wanted custody etc;
he sent her solicitors letter and my friend was scared to death! he then said he was prepared to except joint custody and have a 50/50 agreement;
his motivation became apparent when he said that a 50/50 split would mean he could stop all payments and would be collection ds after tea and drop off before breakfast (even at weekends) as 'it wasn't his gf's job to feed ds);
friend said take me to court then....
but as soon as new baby arrived his gf started 'needing him at home' he now hasn't seen there ds for 8months....
seems looking after a baby might be harder than he thought!
op, i wouldn't be at all suprised if money was motivating your ex as well......

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 10/01/2013 20:40

sleepsforwimps you could well be right he kicked off majorly when I contacted the CSA to make him pay. Do these men not realise full custody would be a lot more expensive for them?!

OP posts:

sleepsforwimps2010 · 10/01/2013 21:01

my friend ex was furious at her going to the csa 'living it up on his money'...
after all she was breast feeding so why does he have to pay? surely the 1 box of nappies a month he dropped off covered it??
id be amazed if your ex didn't fade into the background too once the new baby arrives..

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/01/2013 21:12

Anne Its about having to hand over the money to you, my DN's dad hated the fact he had to hand over money to my sister, and it was only £5 a week.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/01/2013 21:14

Like someone said on another thread, not being maintenance when you easily can should be a criminal offence.

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