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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see less of someone in order to preserve my self esteem

27 replies

polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 11:03

I think this may make me sound nuts but here goes...
One of my resolutions (I know, I know) is to improve my self esteem/self acceptance. In order to help with this I have decided to see less of a friend that I do really like but who, through no fault of her own, makes my resolution harder. Dh and I are good friends with her and her dp, through DH's job. She's very lovely and works hard to please everyone etc but I've realised that I am quite often 'faking it' in their company. I'm not like that, no energy for it, and I also find myself swearing less and pretending to find things funny, and generally holding back on my sarcasm and 'me' really.
god I am bu aren't I?? Dh is angry that I don't want to see her as much as he doesn't get it but I just need time to accept that I'm not like that and that that's ok. Am I making any sense?

OP posts:
AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 10/01/2013 11:05

That's your issue.
It would hurt me if a friend just dropped me like that.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 10/01/2013 11:06

Why don't you just be yourself around her rather than a fake version of yourself?

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 11:06

I won't be dropping her, I'll still see them as a couple, just not go for lunch and stuff. Am I just being shit?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/01/2013 11:07

I think it's a shame as you've said you do really like her.

While I can understand what you're saying, 'hiding' from her isn't going to help with your self esteem is it?

Will you be ok with your DH socalising with them while you stay home?

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 10/01/2013 11:07

Why be fake though?

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 11:07

missy I think I'm a bit afraid of rejection and would hate to embarrass dh as perception is quite important in his job and unfortunately the men are the biggest bitches!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2013 11:09

Why are you faking it?
If she's a friend she will accept you for who 'you' are.
Stop being so false around her and let her see the real you.
She may like you even more.

MaxPepsi · 10/01/2013 11:10

Perhaps she is having the same problem as you Polka and you are both sarcastic sweary people with different senses of humour?

Try sounding her out - you might really get to enjou each others company then.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 10/01/2013 11:12

You are good friends and you say she is lovely. If thats true then just try being yourself, very often people swear more and become more sarcastic when they know someone a while and they drop the airs and graces.

I very much doubt you will do anything to embarrass your dh, its not like you will get roaring drunk and start dancing on tables..... will you?

ScentedNappyHag · 10/01/2013 11:12

YWNBU if she was doing something to damage your self esteem.
The fact that it's your behaviour that is the problem means YWBU to limit the friendship, you can modify your behaviour to fix the situation seeing as you do like this woman. It'd be a shame to miss out in a good friend because you don't like not swearing in front of her for example.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 11:18

You're all right, I should just try being myself. I'm being wimpy aren't I? Struggling to like myself very much right now and she just reminds me of how I 'should' be. Fuck, I never used to be this pathetic. I'm almost in tears about the loss of my confidence.
I would get drunk and dance on tables but only if everyone else did! (And no drink is another resolution!)

OP posts:
GailTheGoldfish · 10/01/2013 11:25

See her as your biggest helper, if what you want is to be yourself and the biggest test is her company then embrace the challenge! Ring her right now and arrange to meet!

Mumsyblouse · 10/01/2013 11:31

Not swearing in front of your husband's colleagues is hardly suppressing your authentic self, just considerate normal behaviour when out in public. I think you would be better off getting a good therapist as your New Year's Resolution rather than fixing on this person as someone who makes you a bit 'fake', I don't think it's anything to do with her, and it is quite normal to slightly modify and adapt your behaviour when out in public/with husband's colleagues even if friends. Also, consider confiding in her if she's a nice person about your confidence, she may have something nice to say or reassure you, or even feel the same way herself. Cutting off people isn't the way to go with this one.

RyleDup · 10/01/2013 11:34

Just be yourself. You might be surprised.

Proudnscary · 10/01/2013 11:35

I think in reality most (all?) of us are different parts of ourselves with different people.

I definitely adapt to whoever I'm with - to an extent.

I understand your resolution in essence, but think you might tie yourself in knots.

If poss can't you try and cut through all this and actually work out whether you genuinely like her company and enjoy meeting up with her whichever 'you' you are with her.

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 11:38

Thank you for all your considered responses. Lots of food for thought

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 11:39

If I did want a therapist how do you get a decent one and how expensive are they?

OP posts:
3smellysocks · 10/01/2013 12:20

can you just be yourself with her instead?

littleladyindoors · 10/01/2013 12:25

Be yourself and if they dont like it-thats their problem. My DH used to do this, fake who he was and it wasnt good for him at all, it was getting him down, he was really struggling. He made the decision and tbh he did lose some "friends" from before. But the friends he has now are his true friends and know him for him. He is so much happier and has so much better esteem because of it.
Good for you for wanting to make a change and be the person you are.

maddening · 10/01/2013 12:37

See her but make your resolution to be yourself around her - if she distances herself then she was never a friend and you've achieved the same outcome.

LessMissAbs · 10/01/2013 12:42

It sounds like she's good for you. Why is suppressing swearing and being sarcastic more important to you than socialising with people who include someone, by your own admission, has been a good friend? How far would you take this? Becoming a social recluse? Slippery slope, op

Anniegetyourgun · 10/01/2013 12:48

See, the trick about self-esteem is to like yourself (easier said than done, obviously). But if you avoid everyone who makes you feel you're not as nice as them, the net result is you only surround yourself with people who are not nice. Are you really so horrible that you only deserve horrible companions? Don't you prefer to surround yourself with pleasant people? They may be a different kind of nice, but then again the world would be awfully dull if we were all the same.

Practicingjinglebells · 10/01/2013 19:09

While I agree with the posters who say that the solution is to just simply be more yourself (without the swearing), I think I understand where you are coming from.

You say that she is lovely and works hard to please everyone. My experience with people like that is that they are lovely, yes, but also holding back on their true opinions and emotions which means that most of their friendships remain on quite a superficial level. Trying to please other people usually means trying not to offend, not to be edgy, not to have controversial discussions, but instead to smooth things over, be very discreet with all things personal, and to keep the conversations on a safe level.

That's perfectly all right if it works for them. And I do enjoy their company while I'm with them. But I never quite warm to them, always feel that it's a shame that our friendships never progresses to the next level where you can talk more openly about your opinions and feelings. At this point I realise that they probably don't feel the need for such close a friendship with me and that they have plenty of friendly acquaintances like me. Being an introvert with a very busy family (and work) life, I tend to choose the people I spend/invest time with/in carefully. It's just too much hard work for me to always be at my most polite, friendly and suave self, I need friends I can chat to openly. So, I find myself distancing myself a bit from those people. I'm still friendly and chatty, but I am quite passive in making contact, if that makes sense.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 10/01/2013 19:39

I sort of feel I need more detail. Like others have said, it's pretty normal to restrict swearing and sarcasm with your spouses work colleagues. It doesn't make you "fake", it makes you appropriate and sensible.

How exactly do you feel lacking, what exactly is it you don't like? Could you be more specific at the way you feel she is how you "should" be?

Original poster
polkadotsrock · 10/01/2013 21:03

I suppose she behaves in a way that is becoming of a wife in the circle of friends I am referring to. But I think praticing has pretty much nailed it. I don't feel like I want to continue being a superficial friend with her and it gives an emptiness to a lot of encounters when we are being so 'careful'. I need to not hold her to account for how I feel about me though, I need tonkearnbto separate those things.

OP posts:
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