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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not take dd's homework to school

64 replies

ClaraBean · 10/01/2013 09:33

She will probably get a detention
She is in year 7 and I am so sick of her forgetting stuff all the time. It is not the first time I have had a phone call asking me to take homework to school.
She is forgetting to hand in important reply slips, we had to miss her winter performance because she forgot to get us tickets for two weeks. So we had to drop her off and stand outside waiting for her.
I have her a choice of coming home to collect it (and being late for school) or telling her teacher she will bring it in tomorrow (and probably getting a detention).
She is a really great girl, and excels at school, does lots of academic after school clubs, I just need her to take a bit of responsiblity for her stuff and her her homework.
So was IBU? I probably was wasn't I

OP posts:

TheSecretCervixDNCOP · 10/01/2013 09:35

YANBU, it's all part of learning consequences, in this case forgotten homework= detention.

threesypeesy · 10/01/2013 09:36

shes 7 surely you check her bag when she comes in from school for letters and such? and double check with her in the morning she has everything she needs? i think uabu, why let her get detention!

cazza40 · 10/01/2013 09:36

Yanbu she will learn a lesson from this hopefully

cazza40 · 10/01/2013 09:38

I think the op said year 7 not aged 7 ? - she should be old enough to take responsibility

valiumredhead · 10/01/2013 09:38

She's not 7, she's IN year 7

YANBU as it isn't the first time.

steppemum · 10/01/2013 09:40

I remember a similar thread to this a while ago

half the posters said no, you ar NOT BU, she has to learn, take responsibility, if you and she have a reasonable system in place (eg a calendar with which days she needs what) then back of, hand the responsibility over to her and let her get on with it, and take the consequences.
In this light I find it unreasonable that school phones you to ask you to bring it!

But then a whole group of parents came on talking about how their kids were struggling with disorganisation and they just couldn't get it together and they had to take a more supportive and structured approach, to try and get them there with a much longer time line

SO I think you sound very reasonable, but it might depend a bit on your dd, and how her coping skills are.

threesypeesy · 10/01/2013 09:40

she did just realised but i still stick by my opinion kids easily forget whats been handed out ever course of the day it would take 30 seconds to check before and after school and save from any detentions and things being forgotten

landofsoapandglory · 10/01/2013 09:41

I would do it, and I have done. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. I'd do it because you never know when you will want her to do favours for you.

realcoalfire · 10/01/2013 09:44

but on the other hand taking it in teaches her that you care about her, and want to help her. i would take it in this once and help her set up a system for making sure she has got everything ready the night before.I remember how hard the leap from primary to Y7 was in terms of organisation.I think at this stage of the game she needs support from you.

FryOneFatManic · 10/01/2013 09:46

I wouldn't do it. It's been a whole term since the start of the school year, time enough to get sorted by now.

DD forgot things a couple of times at the start of year 7, but as neither her dad or I could take them in for her she had to deal with the consequences. It focused her mind, so now in Year 8, she doesn't forget stuff. At the start of her first year at secondary, I prompted her at stages every day. EG time to get up, have you packed your bag, got lunch and all homework?

Now it's second nature.

Original poster

ClaraBean · 10/01/2013 09:48

Thanks.
Trouble is I have taken in other homework 'just this once'
She can cope with organising herself, if it is something she loves (like science) she is right on top of it. She would never have forgotten her science homwork, or her guitar, for example.
And I did remind her to put her homework in her bag last night, and she said she would.
I am hoping this will giver her a kick up the bum and she will sort it out.
I just feel really mean.

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 10/01/2013 09:55

tough but I think on balance YANBU, it isn't your responsibility.

I do go home when my Y5 daughter forgets stuff but that's only because a) we live 5 minutes away, b) I'm always running home when I forget my own stuff so it would be massively hypocritical of me not to do it for her and c) I work in her school so I'd get stick from the other teachers and called mean!

teacher123 · 10/01/2013 10:00

Neither of my parents had jobs which meant that they could bring stuff in if we'd forgotten it, therefore we had to suck it up! As a secondary school teacher if your dd was normally on time/reliable etc then I would prob allow her to hand it in first thing tomorrow morning or something like that rather than give a detention straight away. I am very firmly of the opinion that children need to learn to do these things themselves. It's not like it's something for a GCSE exam, then you would be unreasonable!

Hullygully · 10/01/2013 10:01

Depends on the child.

My dd is UBER organised.

My ds is willing and tries hard but lives in Vague Land and needs a lot more inout.

Hullygully · 10/01/2013 10:01

input

ethelb · 10/01/2013 10:03

In my day (not that long ago I am 26) one wouldn't have been able to call your mother to get her to drop stuff off as you wouldn't have a mobile on you. Plus my mother was a headteacher of different school so there was no way they wold have been able to bring my stuff in.

If anything you taking it in is v unfair on people who have 2x wohp.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/01/2013 10:03

Perhaps as she's in Y7 so just started secondary really if she does forget it again you could take it in for her ? Or could you still take this one in today ?
Just thinking getting one detention is OK and may teach responsibilty/ consequences but you don't really want her getting lots ?

You might find she does gradually get more organised towards Y8/9 (my DD is now in Y9 and getting there !) - it's all something that needs to be learnt. Don't think now she's at secondary she should be able to do it all perfectly ? It's a gradual process ! especially for some of us

mrsjay · 10/01/2013 10:05

I wouldn't take it to her she is what 11/12 she needs to sort herself out you could remind her but it is up to her to take it with her, dd is nearly 15 and her friend treats his mum like his minion she is always at school picking stuff up dropping stuff off for him , once she told me she went to school because he had P E and his bag was to heavy to carry dont do it

noblegiraffe · 10/01/2013 10:07

I'm a teacher, please don't take it in. Your DD would learn nothing except that her parents will pick up after her if she can't get herself organised and in the long term that will do her no favours. Better to teach her to be organised so that it doesn't happen again.

mrsjay · 10/01/2013 10:09

and 1 detention isn't going to kill her is it she might take stock and think oh I need to sort my self out, we can't and shouldn't protect them forever,

ethelb · 10/01/2013 10:09

oh and at my school teachers were deeply, deeply unimpressed when they found out that pupils had done this too. The teacher might punish them anyway.

DeafLeopard · 10/01/2013 10:12

I would do it cos I am a soft touch and I have a fairly flexible job that involves working from home.....but agree that she won't learn if you always bail her out.

Original poster

ClaraBean · 10/01/2013 10:15

Oh, I feel so much better now
She has never had a detention before, the other times she forgot homework I took it in as her school is on the way to my work, but I have the day off today and I have lazing around housework to do.
She is a good kid, polite, kind, gets lots of house points, and had 5 post cards home last term for being great in many ways .
mrsjay that would never be me poor woman. She will end up doing his washing when he is 34!

OP posts:

olgaga · 10/01/2013 10:21

My DD is Y7 and it has been a really difficult transition. Frankly the first half term was bloody awful.

They have so much to remember - homework every night, when to hand it in, what classes they have the following day. DD was in a state of high anxiety about punishments and detentions, losing/forgetting her log book/forgetting to get it signed/PE/food tech ingredients/ it goes on and on. She's also just started her periods and has to remember pads etc. too. It's getting a bit better now, but like you, OP, we almost missed the Christmas concert but we were lucky there were some tickets returned.

The only way I've found is to get a good routine going, and be (gently) on her case all the time about it. DD comes home, has a drink and a snack, does her homework. Then the logbook gets checked for the following day and her bag has to be packed the night before.

This has to happen before tea, TV, ipod, chatting with friends or anything else. We have a special crate where everything school-related is kept, so anything I find lying around the house gets put in there.

She hates me poking around in her bag but I do still have a good sort through now and then (when she isn't around) otherwise it gets heavier and heavier! I did this just this morning while she was upstairs getting dressed.

Gradually we're getting there. Yes they are old enough to "take responsibility" but some are better than others at different things at different times. At that age sometimes they're 11 going on 25, other times they are 11 going on 6. Like everything else, organisation is something you have to teach them - and keep teaching them - until it becomes a habit.

Loquace · 10/01/2013 10:22

I'd take it in.

I was a very late bloomer in terms of being organised and remembering things. My parents went in for the "tough love" approach. I got stressed, found it even harder to manage to keep all the balls in the air. I'm much better now, at nearly 45.

I work with DS. Let him "organise" then double check. He is better than I was at his age, but at 11 he still has a way to go in terms of being a bit distracted and recognising that the speed of storing things in your head isn't always worth the minutes lost in writng things down so they don't "fall out of head" when something more interesting from a kid's perspective comes along.

I think it was the need as a mother to stay on top of things when he first started kindergarten that gave me the final sprinkle of motivation to get organised to "normal person" degree. Still find it hard work, but at least I do do it now.

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