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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel its a cheek to text for my nanny's number knowing she will be asking her to pick up her kid

104 replies

sorryimlateagain · 09/01/2013 18:09

I got a text today from another mum at the school just before pick-up time just saying 'can you send me 'your nanny's' number'. Last year she constantly called my nanny to collect and look her child from school on a particularly day of the week because she was on a course. Surely she should arrange and pay for her own Childcare rather than use someone else's. She didn't bother asking me if was ok. My nanny also felt 'abused'. Not sure how to handle it either. Wouldn't mind so much if she asked and it was an occasional thing but... She's obviously lost the number. So far not answered cos I was in a meeting. AIBU?

OP posts:
giraffesCantGoFirstFooting · 10/01/2013 16:17

Say no.

ChuffMuffin · 10/01/2013 16:22

I'd reply "I've asked , she says that's fine, it will cost £X". Bet she wouldn't reply after that, cheeky bitch.

showtunesgirl · 10/01/2013 16:24

What a cheeky bint!

OP, I do agree with others that you need to knock it on the head properly. At some point, she IS going to get a hold of that number. Best to deal with it now.

I still can't believe that anyone would think that it's ok. Fair enough if she was paying for some one off time but to just expect it is awful.

manicbmc · 10/01/2013 16:28

There was a thread a while ago, from a nanny's perspective. She'd been harassed by a parent (not her employer) to take on her kids as a favour and she kept on taking the Michael. So when the nanny said no to this entitled cowbag, the woman spread rumours of her being rude to her.

Luckily, I think her employer backed her up, but it was a nasty situation for the nanny and could have been avoided if the employer had told this woman to leave her nanny alone in the first place.

So I'd be speaking to the woman who thinks she should have free access to your nanny, who you pay, just to make sure there's no room for misunderstandings.

HecatePropolos · 10/01/2013 16:41

If you owned a typing company and someone kept coming in and dumping a load of papers on one of your workers desks and saying just type these for me... and asking you for their number so they could get them to type up some stuff on the company pc in work hours, while they were doing the job that they were being paid by you to do...

you'd have to be NUTS to say yes.

so why is this any different?

Your employee. Your responsibility to say no.

Please don't either make the nanny out to be irresponsible or unable to say no to people, or give out her number and make her have to be the one to fight off the piss takers.

Be assertive.

I employ my nanny to care for my children. If you want a nanny for your children - HIRE YOURSELF ONE!!

kerala · 10/01/2013 16:43

Shocking. Along the lines of people that sidle up to DH and I for legal advice. Grr we would still get sued if we gave them duff advice for free!

pingu2209 · 10/01/2013 17:12

Let me get this straight. You pay a nanny to look after your children. Another mum is asking your paid employee to do work (for free) whilst you are paying her.

Why on earth did your nanny say yes?! Surely your nanny should say no because I am being paid to look after someone else's children and it would mean less care if I have more children.

LadyMargolotta · 10/01/2013 17:16

You have to tell her very simply 'my nanny doesn't want to pick up your children'. And give her the number of a nanny agency, as someone suggested.

diddl · 10/01/2013 17:31

Perhaps the nanny didn´t now how to say no to her bosses friend?

Or didn´t mind as a one off & then felt that she couldn´t say no after a while?

SomersetONeil · 10/01/2013 17:49

You do actually need to deal with this - if you, or anyone else, passes on the number, then it's the nanny who's left to deal with the piss-taker and that's simply not fair.

It's not her fault that you have quaintances with no boundaries and a brass neck. It's not your fault either! But it is up to you to squelch it once and for all.

As I said before, the fact that your nany has told you she feels abused by this woman, means you need to step up to the plate.

LifeofPo · 10/01/2013 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 10/01/2013 18:19

what I dont get is this - was the other mum expecting the nanny to take her DC back to YOUR house with your kids?

whatever she thought, we are all agreed she was BVU

SauvignonBlanche · 10/01/2013 19:30

Cheeky mare!

Pigsmummy · 10/01/2013 20:33

Ignore her if she persists then pretend you have a new phone and don't have her number saved?

Primafacie · 10/01/2013 20:53

YANBU.

I have had the same nanny for over three years. As you would imagine, we have a good relationship. She is not my friend, but we can tell each other the truth, I've met most of her relatives and taken her abroad.

I cannot imagine any circumstance where anyone would ever ask me for her phone number.

I can, at a push, imagine our next door neighbours, who are good friends, and who know our nanny, might ask for our nanny's help if they had a medical emergency. However, this has never happened (even though they have had medical emergencies) and I am sure they would tell me their circumstances, and ask for my permission, first.

I know that my nanny has, on rare occasions, looked after other children during the day, for instance when her nanny friends needed to go the gp. As far as I know this is an exceptional occurrence and I have chosen to close my eyes on it as I know these nannies personally and I want them, and our nanny, happy and healthy. My oldest is now big enough that she would be able to tell me if this happened, so I can't imagine my nanny trying to do this behind my back.

All of our friends know we have a nanny. Many of them have met her several times. No one has ever asked for her phone number. I am 100% sure they would never do that without checking with us first.

That mother is a cheeky mare. I think I would either ignore her text, or call and ask what it is about. If she said that she wants our nanny to pick up her kid at school, I would very quietly tell her that I would expect her to check with me first, as I am the employer. And then I would ask her how much she is proposing to offer my nanny for the extra work, so I can advise her whether this is a good opportunity or not.

minibmw2010 · 10/01/2013 21:01

Any update ??!??!

JustFabulous · 10/01/2013 21:02

" She's being paid to do a job and I'm not getting the service I pay for, I've been quite annoyed at her to be honest, thinking of getting a new nanny if she keeps this up." This then allows your nanny to roll her eyes at your friend and say, "yes, Sorryimlateagain is being really difficult about it, I'd love to help you out but I don't dare."

Please don't do this. It is a stupid idea.

Primafacie · 10/01/2013 21:11

I agree with JustFabulous by the way, don't make it sound like you are resentful of your nanny for helping in the past, that is really unfair on her. This sort of behaviour would not be acceptable in any workplace. Your nanny is your employee and you owe her duties not to add, or allow any random bystander to add to her agreed workload, and not to blame her for things that are none of her doing.

DontmindifIdo · 10/01/2013 21:49

Actually, yes, I gave crap advise, that would be easier for you to do, but not best.

Tell her you don't want to share your childcare and that's it. Tell your nanny if she feels akward saying no if your friend asks anyway, she can say "sorryImlateagain says I can't" or "I thought sorryImlateagain discussed this with you, I only look after her children during my work hours, so I can't help out" if she finds it hard to say to them "I don't want too". I just assumed if she was feeling 'abused' by your friend but still didn't say no, then she's not the most strong person when faced with a pushy person, allowing her to say no in a way that isn't just her saying no might help IYSWIM. It's often easier to say "I can't" than "I don't want to" when faced with someone who's taking the piss.

But deal with it in a way that's not just ignoring your friend's text messages, because you might find this upsets your nanny enough that she looks for another job.

Original poster
sorryimlateagain · 10/01/2013 22:29

Thanks for all your advice and support. Will see the offender tomorrow and will have the chat. My nanny knows I support her and actually had to say no to someone else texting today offering a lift one morning a week to an 8am start club (which i do) for bringing her DC home from school - I was straight with her - not fair on nanny. It's hard cos we all need a favour at times, it just went too far. Like I said I've passed on the nannys number before so that play dates can be organised, especially in the holidays. With two DDs to organise I can't do it with my job. The vast majority of friends respect my nanny's position. Its just this one person. She does it to everyone including her poor mother. Many of us have had to have the chat at some point. She's actually a lovely person in many respects but lives in her own little fairy world. I've had to call before when the nanny has gone round to pick up my DD from a play date and is still there at nearly 7pm (nanny is supposed to finish at 6.30) - she told me they were having a nice chat...lives in her own world. Anyway looking forward to tomorrow!Hmm

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 09:29

I don't see how the nanny would be upset by her boss ignoring someone's text messages.

Original poster
sorryimlateagain · 11/01/2013 10:13

For anyone interested. Spoke to her, said 'missed message cos in a meeting but nanny has requested that I don't give her number out due to the number of calls she got asking for favours. If you need help do give me a call'. She then told me how she was accused of using a nanny last year but the mum didn't know she agreed to help the nanny on another day each week. I was too busy wondering whether she was referring to me (as had to tell her last year nanny was not happy being asked to bring home her DC to our house after school each week) to take opportunity to explain that that the nanny is employed to do a particular job which does not include making arrangements to look after other peoples children! It's not up to the nanny and she should have approached the parent/employer. She also said she had never had the number and it wasnt her - although had never referred to her, just 'some people'. Totally untrue. Not sure who she trying kid and whether she believes herself. Lovely girl just on another planet sometimes! Anyway it's done now Brew. Looking forward to the weekend Wine

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 11/01/2013 10:14

Let us know how the chat goes please.

manicbmc · 11/01/2013 10:29

Glad you had that chat so it's all clear and your nanny doesn't feel put upon or awkward.

DontmindifIdo · 11/01/2013 10:41

JustFabulous - because the nanny still has to see the cheekywoman at the school gate daily, if the OP had just ignored it and not dealt with it would still push it back to the nanny to sort out, which could easily have pissed off the nanny.

OP - sounds like a good result. You can keep repeating to your friend that while you are sure she wouldn't take the piss (!), there were enough "one off" requests from enough different people that it wasn't acceptable for you or your nanny so you've agreed with the nanny she should say no to all "one off" requests to avoid problems, but of course, if you aren't working and she needs a favour, that would be completely different...

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